Weary

Tonight I went through Nate and Noah’s room to clean and organize it.  At one point the chaos was great and my poor Nate just stood there frozen with tears running down his face.  I found it ironic that I was struggling to not do the same thing.  It happened to me the first time I deep cleaned the kitchen cupboards after Hayden died.  I think it had been a year.  I had basically opened the door and stuffed whatever groceries were bought for far too long, and the day finally came that I had to do something about it.  Many times I stand by the dryer in the laundry room with tears running down my face.  Don’t ask me why.   Many times I would go down to do laundry and find Hayden’s clothes in the washer.  So I would dry them, fold them and set the basket in his room.   Always as I did it, I hoped he knew how much he was loved and how amazing I knew him to be.   The laundry room always makes me think of him.  Yet for some reason I could barely breathe cleaning their room tonight and Nate felt it too.  Unfortunately I know my closet is waiting for the same tender loving care, and I can barely breathe thinking about doing it.  

To be completely honest, I am weary to the bone.  I’m tired.  I’m sinking as I think about the holidays.  I just don’t want to.  My ideal would be to just go.  To a beach.  To my happy place.  Ignore       Pretend we aren’t celebrating another holiday with a piece of us missing.  But we have little kids.  We have grandkids.  We have people expecting normal.  Whatever that is.

I spend a lot of time okay... I have peace.  I find comfort.  But I am riding a wave of grief unlike any to this point.  I’m tired of expectations.  I’m tired of everyone else’s grief being more important.  I’m weary of worrying about how Hayden’s death affected everyone else.  I’m weary of having no soft place to fall.  Because whether anyone admits it or not, there is an expectation, and even a judgment of how I am supposed to be. I’m tired of feeling alone in a room full of people I love.  I’m tired of looking out for everyone else’s feelings and reactions but nobody checks in with me.  Or worse, is mad that I need my feelings to be seen.   I’m tired of being the doormat to everyone else’s feelings.  I’m simply tired.  Tonight I’m tired.  I have sat here alone in the hot tub and watched the trucks go up and down the back road and fought the demons screaming inside me.  Imaging what it would feel like to know the next truck I see go by is him, coming home.  Tonight I’m tired of the silence.  Tonight I’m angry that nobody sees me or my pain.  Tonight I’m angry at the choices that took him away and left anxiety, PTSD and utter heartbreak behind.  I’m weary of wondering if Nate is going to have a good night, or a night full of horrible dreams and listening for him to come racing through the house not even awake but in panic mode.  I’m weary of listening to Thayne’s  nightmares and whispers of “no, no, no” and trying to comfort him while he sleeps. I’m weary of hoping each morning will be an okay morning for Noah to go to school without a fight, or worse, a complete meltdown.  I’m weary of waking up at 2 a.m. wishing someone was listening for my bad dreams.

How’s that for a pity party.  I know I’m not alone. I know it. But I’m going to ride this wave tonight and just feel it.  And tomorrow I’ll get up and face the world and find a million reasons to smile.  Tonight I’ll be weary.

Hayden and Wyatt graduated together!

I am quite certain the school was more than a little bit excited to get these two boys out of there!  In fact that will likely be the last of our kids to graduate from that high school because so far the rest of the kids have decided to homeschool through high school.  I can't say I feel bad about it.  I had quite honestly come to believe that getting Hayden through high school would be next to impossible.  We pulled him out the end of his freshman year after some serious issues with a couple of the teachers.  We had tried everything and hoped that homeschooling with be beneficial to him.   But he was a square peg in a world full of round holes.  We pushed and begged and prodded him in hopes of him doing the work.  That boy just didn't fit any molds and he wanted to do things his way.  So Thayne put him to work, mostly to keep him near and help him figure out what he wanted to do with his life.  He left his freshman year with, I think it was 4 credits.  Despite his brilliance.  I felt lost for the next couple of years trying to figure out how hard to push.  The beginning of what would be his junior year, he met a teacher that was running a new program to help kids like Hayden finish high school. Within a few short weeks he moved through his freshman and sophomore year and by his birthday we learned that he would be graduating a year early.  Which meant he and Wyatt would be graduating together.  Poor Wyatt.  Not only did Hayden get to walk with him, but since his name started with an H, he would be receiving his diploma ahead of him!  If I was going to lose Hayden a month later, I am forever grateful that I got to watch those two boys walk together and receive their diplomas together.  I think maybe Wyatt may have been annoyed when he first found out.  But I know he is grateful now that he got to share that night with his brother.  They were two of the three original bandit boys.  They were the best of friends and enemies at times.  But they got this night together.  It will always be one of my best memories.  I was so happy that night.  I love these boys so much.  It wasn't easy to get here, but they did it, and I am grateful they did!

Catch up

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Is it possible to even begin to catch up the past 2 1/2 years in one post?  Or a dozen posts?   I have missed blogging so much.  I really can't use just one thing as an excuse; not even losing Hayden.  I have been lazy when it comes to opening my computer.  Social media is so much faster I suppose, and right there on my phone.  Yet I have really missed keeping up with my blog.  I have thought for a long time that it is time to start again.  To catch up.  We have done so much living since the last post.  In fact sometimes I am amazed at all of the living we managed to do, even though part of our heart is missing.  We still managed to live.  We have managed to smile, laugh, and sometimes cry.  Always together.  Hanging onto each other for dear life.

This picture was taken in September...  and it is almost out of date already.  We are only missing Matt.  He had to work.  And Hayden.  We will always miss him in our pictures.  The life he would have brought into every picture will be missed for the rest of our lives.  But life continues and we just keep growing.... and growing.  This is the group picture taken at the end of the reception for Wyatt and Mariah.  They got married for real in May.  We teased that this is their 'faux-wedding'.   We have 21 grandbabies and they were all here for this fun, crazy weekend.  We took pictures.  We laughed.  We stressed and laughed some more.   A sweet friend came and took pictures (just wait for that overload to come!), and as strange as it sounds, it was so healing.  We have learned we can do hard things.   Really hard things.  We are better because of it.  

I will get around to making a post for all of the things that I didn't post about, but wanted to.  Hopefully soon!  But life is really, really busy.  That's a good thing!  There are days I am not sure which end is up, and never sure if I am doing an okay job keeping up.  But I am doing my best, and if that isn't enough, I don't know what else I could do!

We have had births and weddings to keep us smiling.  We have a brand new engagement.  Which will bring 2 more grandsons into the mix!  A new baby is coming in December.  Kids are growing up, becoming adults.  The numbers in our home are shrinking, but our family is expanding.   The business is growing and I am getting busier with my foot zoning/energy healing.   We celebrated our 33rd wedding anniversary in June.  I have spent a lot of time thinking about where life has taken us.  There are some things I never could have imagined when we started this journey.  What an adventure it's been!