'Tis the season for miracles.....

December is the month we celebrate miracles. Especially the miracle of birth. A week ago today we celebrated the birth of our new son. And there are too many miracles to count as we rejoice in his birth.

We were supposed to be at the hospital by 10am. We got there just in time. Everything was going smoothly and I wasn't even nervous as noon rolled around. That was the time I was supposed to walk into the operating room and be prepped for my 10th c-section. As noon approached, the nurse came in and said that Dr. Chambers was held up in another surgery, in another hospital. But plan on 1pm. 1pm became 2pm. The nurse joked that it was all hurry up and wait and watch... as my doctor gets there, something will come up and I will be waiting for anesthesia. Funny how her prediction came true. By 3pm I was nervous and not very eager to go face the knife (so to speak) and had completely scared myself silly. But it was time to go face the music. Thayne and I were taken to the operating room where I climbed on the table and waited to become numb. It didn't take long and everything seemed to be going smoothly, except I was scared to death. I was shaking. And so, I started doing what I always seem to do when I get scared. I pray! And I pray, and I pray. And soon this wonderful calm came over me and I knew it would be okay. Though Thayne did say what he always says before my c-section begins. He said, "You cannot do this to me again!"

My doctor had expected the surgery to take a while. I have never actually watched a c-section but I could see everything reflected in the light above me. So I watched. I was very removed from the whole thing since I knew in my mind they were cutting on me, but since I couldn't feel anything it was easy to convince myself that it was some gross episode of a Baby Story or somehting. I just couldn't help myself. Dr. Chambers kept commenting that there wasn't as much scar tissue as there was last time (yes, because SHE did the last c-section and actually takes pride in her work and didn't leave me a mess!!!) and how easy this was. She said the incision on my uterus was thin, she could see baby through it, but it was holding tight and she commented more than once how she couldn't believe how well I hold up. :) I didn't tell her that this was just one of the many miracles that we have seen in our lives having children.

Nathaniel was sideways (though he had moved several times that I was being prepped.... we saw that thanks to 2 ultrasounds) and his back was up, in a position they say is most difficult to deliver by c-section (I would imagine it would be completely impossible to deliver naturally.... but that's another story!). I could feel a lot of pressure. It felt like somebody was jumping on my belly. It felt like the most wild roller coaster ride ever. Again, Dr Chambers continued to comment on how well it was going. I watched as they were able to get his head out. He had a head full of dark hair and the most adorable little face. I told her to make sure she really cleaned out his lungs. I have had amnios with kids at 38 weeks that showed the lungs weren't mature and honestly, that was my biggest fear knowing I would have to deliver before 37 weeks. At 3:32pm our amazing Nathaniel Adam was born weighing 7lbs 5oz and 19 1/2 inches long. The cord was wrapped all around him, his arms, shoulders, stomach... he moved around way too much before he was born. I heard him cry, and they were cleaning out his lungs good, but I still heard him suck fluid back in. Thayne went over to take pictures of him because our kids were making us crazy waiting for us to send them pictures. What a world we live in today. We can be 3 hours away from our kids, but because of a little thing called a cell phone we are able to take pictures of their brother only seconds after birth and they can receive them. They were jumping for joy. He has the most beautiful features... in a wonderful, handsome sort of way! But he was having problems breathing and they wanted to get him immediately to NICU. I was heartbroken.... but knew he had to get help. I told Thayne to go with him, I would be fine. And I started praying again. We had prayed for weeks that his lungs would be mature and that he could come home with me. I had prayed that after having him on Monday, we would be able to come home on Thursday and all would be well. Yes.... we got that miracle also. When I finally heard anything from the NICU they said that he had been on 58% oxygen, but had weaned down to 21%. But they were talking about him being in the hospital through Christmas. So I prayed harder. Thayne stayed in the room with me (if you knew how bad Thayne hates hospitals, you might even consider that a miracle!). He got up the next morning to go check on Nate while I showered. I was going to see my baby and nobody was going to stop me! They wouldn't let me go the night before. Thayne called me and said that they told him I should get right down there so I could try to nurse him for the 8:30am feeding. Wild horses couldn't have kept me away! I fell in love all over again looking at his sweet face. He is amazing. I am always amazed when people tell me I can't possibly love so many children the same. I think they are silly. I don't love them the same. I grow a new heart everytime I have a new child. He doesn't share my heart with any of the other kids.... he has one of his very own. I sometimes feel overwhelmed, humbled and in awe that I have 15 hearts walking around on the outside of my body. Oh, and by then, he was completely OFF of the oxygen and they were going to watch his blood sugar, wanting me to come every 3 hours to nurse and if we could keep that stable he would be coming to my room that night. They finally brought him to me at 9:30pm Tuesday night. By Wednesday morning his doctor said he looked fantastic and didn't think it would be a problem for him to go home Thursday morning! Still another miracle.

The nurses couldn't believe when I told them I wanted to get up and moving. They said they liked to wait 12 hours. I finally told them I would get up with or without them, but I was washing my face and brushing my teeth. And I wanted to eat. They were worried that I would be sick. I wasn't and ate like I hadn't in days! The kept telling me that people did not recover from a c-section the way I recovered. They couldn't believe how I was up and going. I told them I always did that. That is another miracle. Everything about this pregnancy and birth are miracles. I know it! We have been so blessed. This wonderful little man is so loved. His brothers and sisters fight over him, beg to hold him... I have to get up before the birds if I want to bath him, otherwise his sisters think he is their personal doll and they fight over what outfit he is going to wear and who gets to bath him today. The most beautiful sight happened the other night when Tanner (17) came in at about 10:30pm. Everyone was in bed except Nathaniel and me. Tanner asked if he could hold him while I got myself ready for bed. The lights were all out except the lights from the Christmas tree. I came out of my room and there sat Tanner... holding his little brother, looking at his face, stroking his ear (Nate has Tanner's ears... there is a little bend at the top of their ears and Tanner thought it was awesome that his brother has the same thing!) and talking so sweetly to him. A newborn baby brings a touch of heaven to our home everytime!

So tonight, the night before Christmas, the night we celebrate the birth of our Savior, I am celebrating the birth of my own newborn son, and I am so grateful for the miracles I have seen this month. The house is quiet. Everyone is asleep, or pretending to be asleep waiting on Santa's visit. But my heart is full as I think of all the gifts I have been given. And no amount of money could have ever bought these gifts. Tonight my parents are asleep downstairs and will be here to witness the joy of Christmas morning with my family. My children are safely tucked in bed (except Garrett, but I look forward to his call tomorrow afternoon) and I am married to the most amazing man I know. And by faith miracles happen.... and I knew that it could be this way!

3 days.... and counting!

3 days until we meet this little man that has consumed every heart in our home. 3 days. This is more exciting than Christmas at our house. We went to the doctor Wednesday. I knew that I wasn't going over to have him. It is too early. The 17th is still 3 weeks early but we know we need to get him out then so we are just praying his lungs are developed and he is healthy and ready to come home and meet his crazy family! But every couple of minutes we would get a phone call, or a text message asking if we were staying. We hadn't even made it to the doctor, but they wanted to know if we were staying to have our baby! Then they told us they were just excited and wanted him to come now so they could hold him. Thayne told me he didn't even need a bed, he would have plenty of arms to be cuddled in. Haha, that's funny! Get the boy's bed set up.... he is not being held 24 hours a day! (Okay, he seriously might be held 24 hours a day but I am really going to try to prevent that!)

My doctor appointment went really well. People are so worried about me (which is nice but still....). One of my friend's asked Thayne yesterday if it was hard to convince my doctor to let me come home. He told her it was quite the opposite. She is very positive and sent me on my way saying she would see me Monday!

Monday!!! I can't believe it is almost here. Monday. Between now and Monday I have got to get my house cleaned, bedroom organized, Christmas finished, baby stuff ready, laundry done (yes, I know... it's never done but it is now about neck deep and growing so I really need to do something!) and kids taken care of before we leave. My sister in law is coming out Monday night to do dinner with them. They will love that. I have wonderful friends that will take care of things while I am gone, but oh how I look forward to coming home with our new little man, sitting by the Christmas tree with all of the lights off and just the pretty lights from the tree shining, drinking my mint hot chocolate and looking into the face of our newborn son.... now THAT is something I am looking forward to. I love the look on the kids' faces when they meet a new sibling. I can't wait to have them see him! They all want to be there so badly for this. I can't wait to put him in all of the cute clothes we have just hanging there, waiting for him to come home.

3 days!!! This pregnancy has gone so fast I can't believe it! 3 days! Last night Thayne and I were watching him moving around. My belly was changing shapes, you could literally see him rolling over. And I just kept thinking how amazing this is. After 14 other kids, the 15th can still make me sit back and be amazed at the miracle of life. What a great time of year to be having a baby. A time of year when we celebrate other miracles. This is the best! 14 children, and I always wanted a December baby. The 15th, a complete surprise, and we finally get that December baby. A miracle. Nathaniel.... a gift from God. And he most certainly is!!!!

Where are the elves????

I want to know which union Santa's elves are working for because they certainly aren't doing their job!!! If the little men/women are the workers, why do I feel like I have been hit by a truck, my back is so sore from walking, (the term shop till you drop comes to mind) and then sitting to wrap all of the gifts, for hours yesterday?

Wednesday was my doctor appointment so off we went to Salt Lake. And then we hit the stores. We figured we really were pushing it by not having Christmas ready and it was time to get something done. By the time we got home it was almost 2am Thursday morning. We had shopped, walked, picked out the best deals, and finally I waddled my way to the car and thought I was going to pass out. Thayne and I took turns driving home because we were both so tired. Thankfully the little kids were spending the night with a friend of ours so we got to sleep in until 6:30am. It was blissful. I don't remember sleeping 4 full, continous hours in a very long time. Which only made me more tired!

So, yesterday we hit a couple of more stores here in town, and then I came home to start making my lists, checking them twice, knowing that even if the kids are naughty they are not being left out! :) Heaven forbid they wake up Christmas morning and one have too many gifts to open and another not enough. On top of it all, we had not gotten Garrett's packages sent off to Puerto Rico yet so I spent a good part of the day getting that ready and it only cost $60+ to send it! Couldn't we have just sent pictures???? :) But... back to the wrapping. I wrapped, and wrote down everything I wrapped. And then I wrapped some more. There were times when I needed to get up and couldn't, so I would call Thayne to either pull my poor pathetic self up, or get me whatever it was I needed. My hips hurt. My back hurts. My feet hurt! I need an elf to rub my feet while I do this! They obviously weren't coming to wrap the gifts. I'm just not so sure about the whole Santa thing. He is not the reason for the season, that's for sure. But he sure gets a lot of credit for something he doesn't do!!!! :) I am going to make a complaint. Where I will send it, I'm not sure.... but it will make me feel better just writing one! Kind of like those lists I make. Now I have to watch my lists and hope that I am sneakier than my mom, who made the lists but then my brother and I found them and knew everything we were getting for Christmas anyway! Live and learn... that's what we need to do!!! :)

One week and counting.....

One week to go. Almost to the hour. I can't believe I only have a week left and I will be holding my newest little boy. If I can make it that long. I've had contractions all night. Even staying down isn't stopping them. One week, I can do this! The problem is that I have such a busy week that I wonder how I can get any of it done feeling this way. I haven't even been nervous about the c-section yet. Usually I am awake at night terrified. I'm not yet. I am just so very excited to see this little man, to hold him, to love him. To have him in our home, to be loved by everyone. His brothers and sisters are so excited. His dad is so excited. I am so excited! To be able to celebrate Christmas with a newborn baby is going to be amazing.

One week... we can do this!

100 Santa bags....

Done! Tomorrow is our party at the church. I have got all of the turkeys handed out and my 3 are cooking (we slow cook them all night and they fall apart when it's time to eat... YUMMY!), and got the bags that Santa will hand out after the program all done! Oranges, candy canes and all kinds of chocolate! All I have left to do is decorate, make gallons of gravy, mix up the instant potatoes (hey, I have to peel 20lbs just for my family... there is no way I am peeling enough potatoes to feed 250+ people) and make some pies. I am getting closer to crossing everything off my "Need to do before the baby is born" list. I even packed my hospital bag today. I did NOT get my house cleaned like I wanted but I have a few days to worry about that. Besides, it won't really matter since I will leave home and the kids will still be here so it doesn't matter that it is not the way I want it anyway, right??? I'll keep telling myself that and maybe, just maybe I can be convinced.

Now, if only I could sleep tonight! That would be a real treat!

12 Days to go.....

In 12 days I will be holding my new little boy. 12 days. Not even 12 days because the surgery is scheduled for noon. It is the 5th of December already. Where did the last 11 months go? Who said time could go so quickly? I have done nothing today. I was contracting all day and since I really need to make it 12 more days, I just did nothing. Of course my house shows that I really did NOTHING. Thank goodness for Kailee. She helps me... she makes me take care of myself. But these last 12 days are the busiest of the year. I have a 1st grade program tomorrow night. This is after another important meeting that we have to attend earlier. I need to be on the phone right now following up with plans for the Christmas party I am in charge of on Friday. Calling to make sure everyone that signed up is bringing the pies and salads, making sure Santa has his outfit cleaned and ready, making sure the 100 bags of candy for good (or bad) little boys and girls are ready for Santa to hand out. I have 4 turkeys to cook, decorations to get ready. Saturday is a baptism we are going to, and then Thayne's company party (I am so glad my sister and her husband are going to be there!) and nothing to really wear since I will be 9 days from delivery and getting bigger by the day but no real need to buy any more maternity clothes. The next week will be just as crazy since I still need to shop and pack, finish Christmas shopping (yes, AFTER we get paid again but BEFORE we have the baby... this will be interesting), get the house in order, figure out what we are doing with the kids, make another trip to Utah for my doctor appointment, which will take all day of driving and nothing accomplished but see that I gained 2 more pounds and yep, see ya on Monday, scout pack meeting to which each boy volunteered to take crepes, becauseit is one of our family Christmas traditions, and sugar cookies because that is another tradition. I have to get the video store ready, the new releases in the computer early, the hours sent in to the owner, the laundry caught up, decisions made on what we are doing with the kids while we are gone. I need to get all of their gifts for school parties bought and wrapped and sent in. I still have a blanket to finish. And a bed to get, and a stroller to put together, and don't get me going on how I still need to put together a Christmas box for Garrett in Puerto Rico and get it sent so he will have Christmas there.... does the list ever end???

Is it any wonder why the days pass so quickly and I still feel like I have accomplished nothing???? I think I need to send the kids on vacation and let me get the house cleaned and then spend the next 12 days in bliss of a clean home and no responsibilities. I have people offer to help me all of the time and then say I don't let anyone help. I wonder what they would do if I actually said, "Oh sure, come on over, take the kids, here's my laundry, shopping list, things to get done list, and could you make sure dinner is on the table at 5:30pm?" They would flip. The offer to help is one thing... :) Living life out loud is something completely different!

I'm tired, but I can't sleep. My mind is tired, but it never shuts off. Thayne tells me I need to concentrate on one thing and not stress myself out with so many things at once. Is this just a man thing? Because every man I know makes his list and concentrates on one thing. Don't bring up too many things, just that one and life will be grand. Women think of 6, 7 or 15 things at once (usually depending on how many children they have!) and know that you cannot do just one thing.... it's not possible.

And knowing me the way I do... I won't even take time to relax in the hospital. I just don't. I stay awake looking at the new baby. I can stare forever at a newborn face. I can't sleep because I will miss those precious moments that I will never get again. And I know the minute I walk in the door I will have to share that newborn with more than a dozen other people who will love and adore that new baby. So, I have decided that in about 18 years I might be able to rest again. But I won't count on it! Because by then I could have 18 grandkids to love and spoil!

Choices..... changes......

Isn't it interesting how we resist change? I used to be a 'fly by the seat of my pants' kind of girl. Thayne had been out of work for several months and got word that he may have a job in Milwaukee. MAY! Not for sure... he was told he MAY have a job. We had 4 kids, the 5th on his way. 4 kids 3 and under. And we loaded up the truck, a small U-Haul, the car, and off we went. We were somewhere in the middle of nowhere when I freaked out and stopped him. I asked him what we were doing. He told me it just felt right. Yes, it did! So we got back in and drove. We were there 18 months and it was an experience that made our lives better. We learned things we wouldn't have learned otherwise. We grew together. It was fun. We ate out a lot. It was really cheap to eat out with 4 kids under 3... they ate free everywhere we went! :) haha We moved again to Illinois without a care in the world, and then back to Utah. And then we moved to our current home 14 years ago. And here we have been. And now, the opportunity to change is here. And it sounds tempting. I told Thayne if we only had 6 kids we would have been on the road already. It sounds fun. It sounds scary. All of the things you have to think about now. All of the responsibility. As if 5 kids wasn't real responsibility. Add 10 and everything changes!!!! We lived in motel rooms and moved to several states in one year, but here we are now... stuck in a rut, or at least it feels like that right now. What used to feel like home now feels something similar to a ball and chain. But choices are scary. The what if's are very real. Too many things to look at. Grown up stuff that wouldn't have mattered back in the day when we loaded the few things we actually had to our name and left for lands unknown. Is it right? Is it wrong? Wouldn't it be nice if the answers were always so clear, the future always predictable? Or maybe not. We learned so much when we had to just go and do. Maybe it's just that I am a tramp miners daughter, it's in the blood. The thrill of the change, new job, new life, new friends. So I wonder how it is that my husband inherited that same blood. It's not a good thing when both of us have gypsy blood. Although for 14 years I have kept it under control. Now the gypsy in me is coming out again. Mabye I just am in the last 12 days of pregnancy and I want to do something different with my life. The last year has been tough in many ways and maybe the lure of a fresh start is inviting. Who knows.... maybe nothing will change. Maybe everything will change. Maybe I stay right where I am and make changes in my life that I have been feeling I need to for a long time. Maybe not... who knows. Choices.... changes.... life!

Happy Birthday Kailee Anne

Happy Birthday Annie Belle! 15 years ago today she made me so happy! Well, she actually made us happy ealier than that. Like the day I found out I was pregnant with her! I wanted another baby so bad. Kimi wanted a sister so bad! That is what she prayed for every single night. She had 4 brothers. I prayed for that sister every night. I really shouldn't have been able to get pregnant with her when I did. I had a miscarriage 6 months earlier and had some health problems that didn't seem to want to go away. But in my heart I prayed and prayed for her. And then, at 11 weeks it looked like we were going to lose her. And again at 16 weeks it looked pretty hopeless. And then at 19 weeks and another ultrasound, we got to see a picture of this sweet amazing girl. The u/s tech gave Kimi her own picture of her sister. She came out into the waiting room all smiles and showed every person that would look her new sister! She was due at Thanksgiving. We celebrated Thanksgiving but no baby came. My grandma S was there. My grandma would never fly, EVER.... but we were in Illinois and my dad had called her and asked her who she loved. She told him of course he knew, she loved him, and grandpa. Grandpa passed away before I was even born. So my dad told her fine, she would get her wish to see either us, or grandpa! :) Get on the plane and come, and if you make it, you will be here for Thanksgiving, and if the plane crashes, you will get to see grandpa! Pretty easy solution, it worked and she got on the plane. 5 days past my due date I went to the doctor and after another u/s he said that she was stuck sideways and he couldn't even get her to move. So, we could go in right then for a c-section, or wait till morning. Ummmmm... no brainer. Go in right then. She was tough to get out even having a c-section. But she was wonderful!!! They gave me some meds to relax me after the c-section and I remember them putting her in my arms and me wondering how I was supposed to hang on to her as they wheeled me to a room when I couldn't keep my eyes open. I remember my grandma and mom there, talking to me and me thinking how rude I was to not be able to keep my eyes open. But mostly I remember looking at this perfect little girl that we had waited so long for. Prayed so hard for. Our little Kailee Anne... Annie Belle.

She has grown into the most incredible young woman. She is my shadow, my friend, my helper, the other 'mamahen' in the house. She could run a household at 11 like most grown ups could never do. She is thoughtful and amazing and fun and WOW.... she's 15! She was telling me last night that she can get her learners permit in June. WHAT? June? Is that even possible? When did she grow up? HOW did it happen so quickly. WHY??????? Can't they just stay my babies for a while??? I will be forever grateful for the miracle that she is. She filled a spot in my heart that had been missing and I can't imagine life without her. She held on through all odds and plays such an important part in our family. WOW.... 15!!! What an amazing 15 years.

Happy Birthday Annie Belle! Mom loves you!

The day is set!

We know the date, we know the time... now it's all hurry up and wait! My doctor appointment was yesterday. Little Nate looks perfect and we have set December 17th as his official delivery date. I had been really worried about the 14th, because well, some of my babies have not been ready at 38 weeks, let alone 36 1/2 and it's so close to Christmas that I do not want to have to spend time in NICU with a baby who's lungs weren't ready. But waiting much longer than even 37 weeks makes the best OB's nervous with my history and going on 10 c-sections. Since I found out I was pregnant I wanted the 17th (19th would have been better...which was my grandma's birthday) and so, I feel this is perfect! My doctor is very positive about the whole situation and I am too! Now, to make the 'to do' list and get busy. We have so much to do!

~Church party planned and now have to pull off

~bags to pack

~school programs

~school parties

~get this poor baby a bed!

~Christmas shopping/wrapping to finish.... which kid still needs what and what have we already got for them???? Find THAT list! How does Santa keep track??

~work party, what am I going to wear?

~Two annual community parties, son helping do the fireworks

~will the elves do the laundry or do I have to figure out how to catch it all up again?

~are we taking the kids? If we do, what will we do with them? If we don't, what will we do with them?

~can I make it 17 more days with feet that look like marshmallows???

I could go on....

Last night I was going through his clothes, figuring out what to pack, and Thayne started laughing and said, "Oh, she'll look good in blue!" HUH? What are you saying man, the u/s was clearly a boy, should I show you again???? I still feel like there is a little girl waiting, but everyone seems to think 10 c-sections is a good number to stop at! He laughed again and said that when my mom was saying it would probably be a girl he felt a little shiver and just wanted me to know it would be oh so funny if that happened! Not funny AT ALL! How rude!!! I told him to keep it up and I WOULD be having that little girl... AFTER THIS BOY! Men just think they are so funny, don't they? haha... spend months wrapping my mind around a boy when I felt so strongly that it was a girl. Now I am extremely excited to meet HIM and sweet husband is joking about it being a her. I whipped out the u/s and pointed out to him and the children sitting around laughing that THIS is indeed a boy and let's not start any gender confusion at such an early age! :) My poor little Hyrum is still struggling because he wanted to be momma's boy so he thought he needed a sister to hold his spot.... I assured him that we have a 19 year old momma's boy, so he was pretty safe in his position since they never seem to grow out of it. He then asked if he would be momma's boy when he was 65 even though we have baby Nate. I told him baby Nate would be almost 60 at the time and they would BOTH still be momma's boys. He was fine with that. :) The mind of a child... oh to be so innocent!

So the day is set, the time is coming quickly, we will be having our little man before we can even blink. I need to get busy!!!

Random thoughts....

I am losing my mind. I have to spend a significant portion of each day off my feet to avoid the constant contractions. This morning I had to run girls to the video store we manage and thought I would make a quick trip to the store before I headed home and off my feet. There were 4 bags of groceries so I figured I could just carry them to the car instead of pushing a cart out and then having to push it all the way across the parking lot to put it away. I walked out and saw a man that used to work with Thayne. I said hi, kept walking. He stops, comes back and stops me to talk. As I stood there contracting I wondered why a person would stop an obviously pregnant and uncomfortable woman who has an arm full of groceries to talk. He's an interesting man... and the conversation was really nice. He asked about the kids and told me how much he would have loved a large family, how the kids are so wonderful and he can't believe how the oldest to the youngest just take care of each other and are obviously devoted to one another. That was nice.... it made my heart warm, but it was SNOWING by now and though my heart was warm, I was COLD and my arms ached. He told me that when they raise the two they have he told his wife they are going to adopt. Nice goal.. I would love to adopt one day, but in reality I have 19 years or so left of the babies I have! :) Funny thing? He has a 21+ year old not working, living at home.... so he must be looking into the far future! :) Okay.... see, random thoughts of the crazy pregnant woman.

Also, working at the video store, it is amazing how often people bring their movies in late, even stating that they are LATE, and then complain that they are charged late fees. I mean, REALLY COMPLAIN! Maybe they know if they complain loud enough we will just take the charges off? The funny thing is that the computer keeps track of their rental records, and it shows who is consistantly late. Why do people have to be so complicated and mean?

And can anyone explain why they police in this town drive 54 miles an hour in the passing lane? We are not a big city by any stretch of the imagination, but mornings and evenings are busy, and more than once I have followed a long line of cars, afraid to drive faster than 53 mph, and a police officer in the passing lane enjoying the chaos he is creating. I have not seen the attitude in other officers in other cities or states, just here. It's like they have to take an ego class in order to be hired in this county. It's not just me, many people complain. A friend's son did a report about the officers in this county.... apparently we have more per block than Vegas has. Though there is crime and violence in town, it's nothing compared to Vegas... but they hang out at the local gas station, even seen a few gambling while sitting in there ON DUTY and then make me crazy driving slow in the passing lane. In fact one almost caused a serious accident because well... he forgot to slow down by the hospital and almost caused a wreck. Had it been a normal person, they would have been pulled over. Oh, and I love shift change because the officers are SPEEDING home (okay... I know they are coming off shift and going home because quite frankly I live by at least 4 of them!!! And quite often follow them home!) I told my kids it is really apparent that I am at that awful stage of pregnancy where I have no patience and do all I can to avoid road rage. But why oh why do people push me so??????? :) (Just joking!)

Why is it that it's only been 3 years since I had my last baby but I have forgotten how uncomfortable being in the last weeks of pregnancy can be? Yet I would gladly do it again if I thought I could!

Why does my 4 year old love Hairspray and how is it possible that he can sing the songs from it? And why have my kids had it on 3 times today? Why am I letting them watch it so much? It's not okay. They haven't really sat down and watched it, but it is on in the basement and I can HEAR it, and I have to say that John Travolta as a woman just does nothing for me... he will forever in my mind be linked to Grease and I will not accept him as a heavy set woman! Call me old fashioned!

I also have to question my sanity for getting rid of our waterbed earlier this year and getting a normal bed. Sure we spend a small fortune! But I am sooooo uncomfortable without my waterbed. We had just the right amount of water, and I loved sinking into the warmth and comfort of my bed. All I can think about is how much more comfortable I was in the waterbed when I was 8 months pregnant, and how I ache in bed at night now. And yes, it was supposed to be a top notch mattress... I just LOVE waterbeds. Do you think 9 months is too late to take it back? Get me a waterbed now??? ARGH... I may be sleeping on the couch for the next 2 1/2 weeks.

My mind keeps wandering and needs a good night's sleep. Maybe then I can concentrate on something and not feel like I am going crazy!

Nice comment....

It's always nice to hear your mom comment on your family in a positive way. This morning everyone was up, I had breakfast going and called everyone to the table. One child who shall remain nameless but is 18 and her name starts with a "K" was kind of grumpy. Granted, she did babysit all day long yesterday and I doubt she was in bed early last night and it was early when they got up. But I told her not to be grumpy. Later, I heard my mom telling the kids that even when they are grumpy she can't believe how well they get along. She had 7 sisters. 8 girls with one bathroom. She was saying how they used to fight... fights with hair pulling. I had walked in the room and she mentioned how the kids just seem to get along. No fighting. Really, as I thought about it, there is very rarely a real fight. They may bicker, but we don't allow true sibling fighting to go on much longer than it takes for us to hear it. She asked how we manage to get them to not fight. I really am not sure. We teach them that they should cherish one another. They have always been taught that they are a a gift to one another. But then when they do argue we make them work together. We made the two oldest dig a hole for the trampoline one day when they were bickering about something. It didn't take long for the hole digging to become some big party and though their dad just intended for them to get out of the house and be busy for a while, and then he would dig the hole with a tractor, they ended up digging the entire thing and having a blast doing it. They do warn their siblings that when dad says hard work cleanses the soul that he isn't kidding and they better find something else to do besides be grumpy. But it is always with a laugh. It's also pretty hard to stay mad at each other when you are then assigned together to do the lesson for Family Home Evening and the topic is 'love at home' or 'avoiding contention' or some other related topic, and then have to present it to the family. Or if they have to clean the kitchen together, or make sure the yard is picked up. Working together has a way of making you find ways to get along. It's funny how so many people think that life is all about 'me' but they are usually the most miserable people alive. When siblings think of each other first, they are rarely miserable. I think that we would all get along better in the world if we quit worrying about who got where first, who has more than me and how can I one up the next guy.... if we all took a little time to be kind and generous, we wouldn't have so many problems. It works like that at home too!!!

So, today I heard a wonderful comment on my family and it made me smile. It always makes me smile when I think that my mom actually believes I am doing an okay job at the parenting thing. It's not easy, but it is oh so worth it when those we care about the most recognize what a great thing it is to be part of this big, crazy, wonderful family!

Don't you just love a grandma?

Do you ever notice that a grandma can ask the hard questions that a mom just can't get away with? Grandma and grandpa (my parents) came out for Thanksgiving and spent the night. Today grandma was asking some pretty hard questions to a couple of my boys. Thayne and I just sat back smiling at each other. They are questions that are often on our mind, but when expressed out loud usually end up with grumpy teens and disgruntled parents. But grandma asks and they HAVE to listen, just to be polite if nothing else. The hard part? She expects an answer... so in the end they have to say what it is that is going on, answer the hard questions and maybe, just maybe they spend a couple of minutes thinking about their lives and what those questions really mean in the big picture.

I just LOVE grandparents. Our job is never done in the lives of a child. Thank goodness somebody out there gets to ask those questions that mom and dad can't ask in such a way, and get the answers that make the child pause and reflect on what these things really mean in their lives!

And boy... do I miss my grandmas!

Children and Christmas

I love Christmas. I love children. Both of them together is amazing!

Saturday we got the tree up and the decorations put out. Kami followed me around helping with every part of the big occassion. She is 3. That is an amazing age. Her eyes lit up as bright as the lights on the tree. After some time her siblings were all bored and off doing their own thing. But not Kami. She followed me around talking and every so often she would say, "Oh mommy, it feels like Christmas.... it feels SO good!" I think as adults we sometimes lose the 'good' feeling because of the stress involved. She wasn't worried about gifts, or money, or if everything was going to be perfect. She was just concerned with the fact that it felt like Christmas and that feels SO GOOD!

I made myself a promise that day. As we move closer to the holidays, I am going to turn off all of the lights, turn on the Christmas lights, sit down with my children and remember that it feels like Christmas and that feels SO GOOD!

The dreaded insomnia has hit!

I have been awake for hours. I am too uncomfortable in my bed since the 3 year old climbed up there and promptly turned upside down with her feet in my back. Everytime she kicks, the baby kicks back. I have had gallbladder attacks and IT HURTS and I am just tired and swollen. Partial bedrest is good in theory, but you know how well that goes over in a household of, 15, or is that 50? It's hard to tell. Somedays it feels like 50. I can't even remember how many times I was in the bathroom. I tried reading, but was too nervous about the storyline and didn't want to cheat and look at the ending. So here I sit.... well, in truth I am partially kneeling because it hurts too bad to just sit. I need to come up with our annual cheesy Christmas card but that would take too much thought and effort. Funny thing is... I already have the cards done, and most of the envelopes addressed, so if I were really trying to be efficient I would get those letters done and have them all ready to mail.

The problem with insomnia is that you can't sleep because you can't shut your mind off. You think of all of the things you need to get done:

~Get birthday present for Kalli to take to party....

~Write cheesy Christmas letter so Aunt Shirley doesn't disown me....

~Did I pay the water bill???

~How am I going to get all of the Christmas shopping done when I can barely walk?

~What am I going to get the big boys for Christmas this year?

~The laundry is behind again, who's going to fix that for me?

~I forgot my hair appointment.... now what am I going to do?

~Finish wrapping the presents we got.... is that ALL we got for the money we spent on Christmas presents so far?

~Who needed what for their school parties on Wednesday?

~Why am I still in bed with this child kicking me in the back?

~How long can I hold out until I have to get up and go to the bathroom again?

I could go on and on.... the worst of all is that it all seems so large in the dark. I will really be tired when it starts getting light. About the time the kids come in and ask if they can make hot chocolate. And I will be too tired to want to crawl out of bed to do it for them.... which is fine, they prefer to do it themselves since you should add 3 spoonfuls of the mix and without me they can add SIX! But then I get up to hot chocolate powder all over the kitchen and chocolate stuck to the bottom of the cup that I will then have to use a jackhammer from the mine to loosen. At this stage in the game you just can't win. There are a million things to do, and zero motivation to do them. Mostly due to the fact that I can't sleep at night so I am dragging all day. At least today is Saturday. I can give my 'honey' some honey-do's and maybe if I am lucky he can get the kids motivated (he usually bribes them, but for some reason it works for him and not for me!) and we can actually get the house in order today, possibly the tree up (since we usually put it up next weekend but my doctor said if I can't get the pains to stop she may keep me after my next appointment and we can't NOT have all of the Christmas decorations up and ready by then!) and oh, I know what would be great.... THE LAUNDRY CAUGHT UP!

Now I will try to crawl back in bed for a few minutes before the troops are awake and on a mission of destruction!

Is there such a thing as "too quiet"???

There are moments when the house is too loud. Not all of the time as people would assume with so many people living in our home. There are moments when you wouldn't believe that there are 15 people in the house at the same time. There are moments when 1 child makes it seem like there are 20.... but really....is there such a thing as too quiet? Today I think so. I have been having a lot of pains and needing to take it easy. My older girls and my two youngest are at a friend's house and I am supposed to be resting. But it is TOO QUIET! I don't like to be alone. Even when I want to be left alone, I like to know that somebody is here with me. So here I sit, a chance to have complete silence, complete aloneness and I feel like my ears are ringing from the silence. I like the craziness of having people around me. I don't like the silence. My grandma used to tell me her ears would ring because it was too quiet. I completely understand what she was talking about. It makes me realize that even if I think I would like to be alone, it's just not true. I don't like it at all. I am happy with my busy, crazy, loud house! I don't like to be alone!

5 weeks 4 days until D day....

I have carried 14 other babies, went through the joys, trials, pains and the excitement of pregnancy and childbirth. But in all of those pregnancies I never took pictures to document the weeks and how my belly grew. Why is that I wonder? Is it because I expected to be pregnant again and never gave it a second thought? Maybe it was because I was to worried about how BIG I was getting? :) I don't know. But this time it has been an obsession. This time the girls are excited to take pictures to document the weeks. They are so excited that we are having another baby and will remind me that it has been too long since I took a picture. So last night I was in the same sweater that I had worn for another picture and they wanted to take the picture. My belly is growing. This baby is getting bigger and more prepared to come out and meet his family. I am so excited. I forget how uncomfortable it can be. And sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. But I am SO excited to watch this baby grow and move and I can't believe that the days are flying by and soon I will miss this time.... the time that is all mine, when I don't have to share the baby with anyone! :) But it will be nice to be able to bend over and tie my own shoes!!!

4 months today....

I can't believe that 4 months today is Garrett's release date. He has been on his mission for 20 months. Where did the time go? When he left I wondered how we could go 24 months without seeing him. I knew the time was going to drag on. 2 years of not seeing my oldest son. But I knew, without a doubt that he was supposed to be in Puerto Rico, that he was doing with his life exactly what he was supposed to be doing. But still, 24 months... it's proof positive that a mother's heart doesn't really break. It hurts, but still keeps beating. 4 more months, and then he is home and will have grown into a man and will be ready to jump into his own life. Which really is unfair in so many ways. We give them up as teenagers that know everything. We don't get to watch them develop into men, and then they come home, changed for the better but wanting to get on with living. And as mom's, no doubt we want to hug them and not let go for about, well... 24 months!

I remember when my little brothers came home from their missions. What an exciting time. One of my brother's came to visit and we spent several sleepless nights putting his scrapbook together. That was such a great time. Precious hours we spent putting pictures in a book and him sharing stories that he would have otherwise forgotten. It was great to hear his experiences. It was so fun to hear about the people, see the love he developed for them, the joy he found in serving them....I hope that I get to share times like that with my boys as they come home from their missions. And my daughters too if they want to serve missions.

But Garrett.... 4 months left!!! WOW! He is my first, so parenting him was such a learning experience. Of course every child is so different that parenting them is never the same. But there is something about a first. He will be 21 years old when he comes home. And yet... I still remember everything so clearly about the day he was born. I had been in labor for days. I hurt, he had gone on a growing spree and just a couple of days before he was born I got stretch marks, and my ribs started spreading. What strange things they do to a body. But the morning of February 25th I got up and got Thayne off to work. I showered and was doing my hair when that pain hit. I KNEW what it meant. It meant all of the other pains really didn't hurt before that one. Thayne stopped back by before he left town for work. I told him this was real, and he wasn't leaving. We got over to the doctor and he confirmed that this was it. My parents came up to the hospital. I had not eaten much for a couple of days. I was hungry. But they told me I couldn't eat. My dad and Thayne though decided to bring KFC to my room. I LOVE KFC potatoes. My room smelled like KFC. Isn't there some law against bringing food into a laboring woman's room???? I remembered that they finally ordered an epirdural. I remember the sweet relief as everything went numb. :) I had been in labor for soooooo long and they were concerned that he would be too big for me to deliver so they had a c-section team standing by. I remember the epidural wearing off and my mom hating to see me in pain so she hunted down whoever she thought could bring me relief! And then it was time. They moved me to the OR in case I had to have a c-section. I was determined not to.... and soon I delivered the sweet, 9lb 10oz boy on February 26th! I remember the look on his dad's face when they handed Garrett to him. His chest puffed up so much I was afraid the buttons would pop right off his shirt. This was HIS boy, and he couldn't have been happier! His son! Back in the day they didn't test for strep, and we had to let Garrett spend several hours in NICU. I couldn't wait to hold my baby boy. I finally told the nurse she would have to get me there, one way or another! She quickly got me to the nursery and I knew what heaven was when they put that little man in my arms for the first time. I had lived to be a mom... and he gave me that dream! There are so many moments that are like snapshots in my mind. Garrett had the most blonde, wild hair that just stood up! He was such a sweet little man, and loved it when his brother Jace came along. They were great buddies. Partners in crime (I'm not sure that ever changed, even in high school... I seem to recall something about eggs, the principal's house... oh, never mind, it's better to forget about the dumb moments they have had!) Garrett's role as the oldest is something that he was born to be playing!

So, I sent out a boy, and in 4 months my son, now a man will be coming home. I think that the experiences he has had there will stay with him forever. But even more, I hope that the experiences he has to look forward to will be even better!!! It will be fun to see where his life leads him now and what he will be able to accomplish! I can't wait to wrap my arms around him and have him home and see what he will accomplish with his life!!!!

The love between siblings....

I was reading on a message board about how older siblings don't want anymore kids in the family. I have always wondered about this. I guess maybe I never assumed to think I would let my older children make such a huge decision! I wonder what I would do if my kids didn't want more siblings. It's funny that they BEG for more. Even now, they tell us we can't be finished. Maybe I have just ruined my kids! :) That's a possibility. It could be worse I suppose. Thayne and I laughed one day when our now 10 year old came home from second grade and asked me if I would be okay with him only having 6 kids. After teasing him for a minute I told him that it wasn't my choice how many kids any of them had. He said, "OH NO MOM... I want LOTS of kids, but the girls these days......." I hid my smile. But I asked Thayne what we had done to first of all make him think that 6 is a small family, but also, what was this kid doing? Going around at recess time interviewing all of the girls???

The best part of being a parent is watching the love between the kids grow. I love to watch each child with the newest baby. I love watching my little ones get excited when the big kids come home. I love the way they cherish each other and care for each other. Today Kami and Hyrum were talking about when the new baby comes and telling me what they are going to do with the new baby and how they will take care of him. Kami took me downstairs and showed me all of her old blankets that she wants baby Nathaniel to have now. They were so excited about the new stroller and carseat that they had to open it and take it all out to see it, and then several times a day one or the other of them will come in and talk about how cute Nathaniel is going to look in it! Kids are amazing, even when they become teenagers! :)

Guess what I went trick or treating as??????

I went as a middle aged, hormonal pregnant woman! Funny, I only had to tell people that and they stood back! I didn't even have to wear a sign. This is one of those days when I have endured simply because I made it to the end of the day. I am supposed to be taking it easy. That is funny! :) How in the world do you take it easy in my house? I tried to make the kids feel guilty by saying that if they didn't do their jobs then I would end up in the hospital on bedrest. Then it hit me... it wouldn't really matter, nothing would get done and they would all be happy knowing that they only had to work ONE day, before I came home, instead of EVERY single day. I walked down to the laundry room. I was very proud of myself. I didn't break down and cry, I didn't stomp my feet (only because it would have hurt me and my big belly) or even throw a fit. In fact I just bit my tongue and didn't speak to anyone at all. WHY is it possible for me to do 51 loads of laundry in one weekend and the kids STILL have clothes to wear? Why do I have 1651 socks that don't have matches? Where did the matches go? And why does my 4 year old insist on wearing a red sock and a purple sock, and not even care that they don't match his blue church pants or that he has a dozen pair of matched socks in his drawer? Why do I feel guilty for wanting to dead bolt the door closed and make them sign their name in blood before they are allowed to enter? Why do I care that nobody but me cares if the house is somewhat cleaned? If somebody came to the door, they would throw it open and welcome them in while I hid in the bedroom and pretended I haven't been home for a week to explain the mess? Why do I work so hard to have it all undone 2 1/2 minutes after I walk away? My husband has told me to relax, it's no big deal. But it is, it really is.... especially when I am hormonal and 6 weeks away from delivery with Christmas right around the corner. He supervises and underground mine. I have told him that he may go to work and see the same thing day after day, but at least he is getting farther into the mountain. Oh no, not me.... I just see the mountain of laundry grow and even when I am completely caught up with laundry I know that the kids only have to change into their pj's that night and I will have another mountain. I should be grateful I suppose. And normally I am. But not tonight! Tonight my fingers are swollen, my feet look like marshmellows and the kids LAUGH at the way they look. So I am not grateful tonight! But then maybe I should be, because my 9 year old grabs the lotion and rubs my feet when he sees them like this. So there IS a positive! But I am still hormonal and still think I should put myself on an island, all alone, until the baby comes. Then I won't make myself miserable wondering if my double oven will be installed anytime BEFORE Thanksgiving, or think about how badly it is going to hurt my back sitting there matching the 4 laundry baskets full of socks. I think the pioneers had something when they had a Sunday outfit and an everyday outfit. Do you think they worried about their socks? Rarely does this happen but today is one of those days that I smack myself on the head and say, "WHAT was I thinking when I thought having 14/15 kids was a good idea???" :) Okay, I'm joking... I would have done it even knowing that I would never have all of the socks matched in the house. And really, it would be nice to have enough confidence in myself that I dared go to church in a red and a purple sock!

One missing....

It's strange taking family pictures when one child is missing! I have never been a mom that doesn't want her kids to grow up. I love watching them grow, love watching them become adults, love watching them create their own world. My problem is nights, when I should be able to lock the door with 14 children safely tucked into bed. That will probably never happen in my life again. Maybe for a short time, but it won't last. And I wouldn't want it to.... but I remember the nights that I knew that they were all asleep, all at home and all safely tucked into bed. And I could go to their doors, look at their angel faces and then go to bed myself, content that for just that moment the world was right. The other problem is pictures. Garrett has been in Puerto Rico for almost 20 months. We take family pictures every year faithfully. But it just seems odd to have a picture with one missing. And I really LIKE our family pictures this year.... it's never easy getting what feels like 107 people looking in the same direction. So we are always grateful for what we get. But this picture would be so perfect if my oldest son... and my youngest.... had their faces showing also. Just about 4 months to go and the kids will have to dress alike again and pretend like they enjoy getting family pictures taken so that just one more time I can get all of them in one picture! I sure hope they marry people that will go along with me and my pictures. It usually only takes a small bribe to get them to go for it. Just the promise of a treat after the fact. But that takes on a whole other interesting experience! That of going to the store where people stop, turn, stare and often count with their fingers. What is it about a bigger than normal family that makes people forget they were taught manners at some point in their lives? My older boys have been heard to say, "It's going to take your toes to count too!" :) Bad I know, they WERE taught manners but I can't help but smile when they say it while somebody is pointing and counting loud enough to hear! The last time we went into the store after pictures before Garrett left, it was like a strange movie that moves in slow motion. One minute the store was it's usual loud and busy self. The next moment it becomes silent and people started staring, whispering, counting.... then the questions come. "Are they all yours?" "Is this a blended family?" "Are there any twins?" Oh, and those are just the nice ones! My favorite is when somebody asks if they are all by the same dad. I am not usually mean, but sometimes it is priceless to see their face when I say nicely, "Oh no, I like a variety! I try a new one every year!"

And isn't it fun to look at pictures and remember what was going on at that time? For instance my 16 year old was mad because he had gotten grounded. His punishment to us was that he was not going to smile for the pictures. So I forever have a reminder that I should ground the children for disobeying a rule AFTER the pictures are taken! It's like a wedding picture I have. My mom revealed a family secret during the photos.... my dad looked at her, shocked that she had revealed it and the rest of us were laughing at how silly the whole thing was anyway. But I always laugh when I see that picture because there is a story behind why dad was shocked and the rest of us were laughing!

Where did the time go?

I woke up yesterday morning and realized that I only have 7 weeks until I deliver this child. 7 weeks! I am not ready!!! I remember with my earlier pregnancies I was ever so ready to have that baby. Maybe now, because I am older... because I have older kids, I know that this is the best place for this sweet little man to be. He's easy where he is. He doesn't have an opinion except if I make him uncomfortable in the night and he insists that I move into a different position. He doesn't talk back, he depends on my completely. I am his world, just as he is mine. Maybe I am not ready because I know that this will be c-section #10 and I am a big chicken now, knowing what is coming. Maybe it's just that I know there are a million things to do and I don't know how I will find the time or the energy to get it all done. Maybe because my sweet husband took a new job and is so overwhelmed with it right now that I feel like I can't give him my honey-do list when he gets home because I am selfish and want those moments with him all to myself (and 13 other children of course!) or maybe it's just that there is a mountain of laundry growing downstairs and I don't want to have a baby until I am completely caught up with that. Which we all know will NEVER happen. I am also sad because my oldest will still be in Puerto Rico when my youngest is born. That may be the problem! I am always amazed watching the way my kids love and adore each other. I love watching the faces of my older children as they hold the newest baby for the first time. I love hearing them tell me that it isn't fair that we only bring one new baby home! (I doubt the hospital has an extra baby around waiting for us to offer to bring it home, though it would be nice!) I even love having to call "my turn" when it comes to holding the baby!

Okay, so maybe 7 weeks is going fast... but the kids are so excited that maybe 7 weeks isn't going to be so terrible! If it motivates me to get Christmas shopping done early and my house in order for the holidays, maybe this will be a good thing after all. Well.... that and the smell of a brand new baby sent right from heaven, with his heavenly new baby smell. Maybe the love he will add to our family.... maybe the way my family rallies together and the peace grows and the happiness overflows. So, maybe 7 weeks is TOO long after all!