A moment in time...

There are moments in life when you wish you could go back... just reverse time to the second before everything changed and your life started spinning out of control in a way that could terrify you if you let go of your feelings for just one second. That second before, 24 hours before... the day before your world changed in such a drastic way that you feel like you have been sucker punched, like you are falling in a black hole, grasping for the sides, begging for a rope to stop your fall, wanting so badly to wake up from a nightmare that keeps playing over and over in your mind... tightening it's grip on your heart until it feels like you can't survive another second. Thinking of all of the ways life could possibly change. Stopped cold when somebody says it sounds like Job... and yet, not quite like Job, because our friends have not betrayed us, but wondering if we have the faith, the courage to keep moving forward and not look back. Yet, for a moment turning into a pillar of salt sounds almost better... less painful than what you know you must face. Wishing to wrap our family in the cozy cocoon that our home has always been... like a cold winter night, with the storm outside raging, yet we are warm and cozy inside with the roaring fire...keeping the cold away. I want that cocoon right now... I want to circle the wagons and demand that the outside world leave us alone... let us go back to the moment before everything changed... before we have to face the cold dark night. We won't be alone... we have each other and we have the knowledge that sometimes the storms will rage around us and the only peace we will be able to find is within our own hearts... holding on tight to each other and praying for the winds to stop blowing, for the nightmare to end, to go back to that second, that moment before the storm began.

Yes, that is what I feel right now... and it hurts.

So grateful to be their mom....

I love being a mom to these amazing people... I joke that I can never take credit for them being good because I am not going to take credit for them being bad... but honestly I am in awe of the amazing spirits they were blessed with. Yesterday I went with Kailee, Kassi and Kinzee to the young women's broadcast. As I listened to the talks, I thought of what amazing young women these girls are. They do arise and shine forth and stand firm in the things they believe. They don't feel the need to fit in. Instead they accept everyone, without judgment. They love to pull anyone and everyone into their circle and they love unconditionally. The light of the Savior truly does shine in them. Recently Kassi asked a girl in school who claims to be one thing, but acts a completely different way why she felt the need to criticize and cut everyone down behind their back. This girl had hurt a lot of people and Kassi wanted to know why! This girl then told her that she didn't realize that was what she did and that she would try to change. I am grateful that they don't feel the need to fit in with the crowds, or have to change who they are to accepted. They are who they are, they do not sway with the wind and they are beautiful inside and out because they know who they are and what they believe! After the broadcast we went to dinner with Shelly and Bri and had a great time.

Last night we went cosmic bowling with most of the older kids and several of their friends. Kimi, Matt, Tanner, Kailee, Kassi, Kinzee, Willie, Tiffany, and their friends Bri, Tanner and Kenah. It was so much fun laughing and dancing and bowling and talking. It is such a blessing to be a part of their lives. It is such a blessing to have a relationship where they insist that we go with them! I imagined when I dreamed of having this family that it would be like this and I am so grateful that the dream has become a reality. I love having a houseful of people, laughing, talking, teasing and playing together. It is a blessing to have them just hanging out. It's fun to have Matt come over on the weekends and when Jace and Caitlyn and Tiffany and Garrett are here hanging out. I love to hear them laughing and interacting and you can truly feel love... it's something alive, and something very real! It is a blessing when they figure out that the things that you have taught them their whole lives really are true and when they want to be what they were raised to be! I know that we will have hard times and that life won't always be smooth but I am grateful to know that we will always have each other to lean on and that we can always count on our family to get us through!!!

So today, I count my blessings and find joy in the little things, like everyone hanging around in the kitchen and laughing and teasing while breakfast was made this morning... I am grateful to watch our family growing, seeing the kids find the love and joy that Thayne and I still feel and to see the joy on their faces as they find the things that matter most in their own lives!

All in a day....

There are some days when you feel like you want to just climb back in bed and start the whole day over.... like today!

I'm pretty sure the day started at 1:30am when Nate woke me up jerking my hand, stomping his foot and demanding, "MOM!!!" To which I stumbed out of bed to be taken to the kitchen, fridge opened and he hands me a Pediasure. No doubt he was starving since he had been so sick yesterday. I didn't really go back to sleep after that and just dozed until I really had to get up. That's where the fun began...

I had been asked to take dinner to a lady at church so I got the crock pot down and threw in all but one of the roasts I had bought because I decided to cook their meal in the oven. But decided to get ready to go first and get Nate ready to go, he had a doctor appointment early. Then got a call from Kailee saying that I needed to bring another key because the key she had wasn't opening the video store. Left to get to the store and found that none of the keys worked... the lock was jammed or something! But we had to run to the doctor. Got there and Nate was a bit scared thinking he was going to get another shot but we convinced him it was okay and the appointment went much better. Dr H said she was ready to admit him yesterday and was afraid he would be worse but thankfully he had improved a tiny bit (we had so many people praying for him I am not sure he could have done anything other than improve!!!) and that the pneumonia was breaking up, but that he is still a very sick little boy! Headed back out to the video store... went to ask the video owner if they happened to have a key to the back door... nope, they didn't. So we called one locksmith and got no answer. Called another and well.... let's just say that after much wait and stress the man left the door exactly how we found it this morning... thank heavens! His idea was not to actually FIX it, but to drill a hole in the door and break in! I came home because I had to get the dinner going and get Nate his medicine and breathing treatment and get a couple phone calls made and get things ready before I go to work at Curves. Thankfully Kailee was able to get in touch with the other locksmith and Kimi and Kassi were able to meet him over at the store and get it taken care of and oh MY, he was able to do it without drilling a hole in the door!!! :) I got the dishes done and a couple of loads of laundry finished and cleaned up a little bit and then got to work right on time!!! Kept busy there but thankfully was able to close a few minutes early since everyone had left and I got home exhausted and ready for bed... except the house was insane because Kimi was all wound up and H.A.P.P.Y because Matt is coming tomorrow. It's finally time for bed and I really need to sleep since I open tomorrow but now I am exhausted, but not really tired! Love days like this!!!

Pneumonia AGAIN....

I don't think I have felt so afraid since the last time Nate was flown to Primary's as I felt today. He got up sicker than he has been in a very long time... we couldn't get him moving at all and I knew he was very, very sick. I called his doctor and told them that he is worse than he was yesterday, breathing extremely fast and still running a fever even after being on antibiotics since Monday. He was sick all weekend, and they told us when they did do the dental surgery that the breathing tube could make his respiratory problems worse. It definitely did! They told me to get him right in so I loaded up and ran to town. When our nurse checked his oxygen we knew we were in trouble... it was in the low 80's. When Dr. H came in and started her exam the fear I was feeling was mirrored in her face and I felt a little dizzy and sick! She listened closely and told me that his lungs were full and crackling and that we needed to act on this right now. He got a shot of Rocephin and changed his antibiotic since what he was on wouldn't break up the pneumonia... and that they would see him first thing in the morning to determine whether or not he would be admitted to the hospital. She said if he hasn't turned a corner tomorrow morning he would have to be admitted... but if he got even the tiniest bit worse tonight to get right to the hospital. I think she is a little more lenient on me since we have pretty much everything here to watch over him... I could monitor his oxygen levels and know if he was getting worse. We are doing constant breathing treatments and banging on his back to get the gunk broke up. Thayne tells him to cough and he does on demand which helps too since we HAVE to get that stuff out of his lungs! He is so sweet that he will sit and take the treatment and we told him that he needed to or he would have to go to the hospital.

Tonight Thayne, Garrett and Jace gave him a Priesthood blessing. I am always amazed at the faith of this little boy. He folds his arms and he knows, you can see that he truly believes that the blessing is going to make him better and it never fails that Thayne ends up in tears telling me what a strong spirit this little man has.... add that to the power of the prayers that go up immediately from friends from all over when they hear he is sick, and well... I guess I would have to say that anyone who doesn't believe in the power of prayer has never met our sweet Nater's. Because he is a walking, talking miracle and I feel so blessed to be his mom!

Hopefully tomorrow will bring nothing but good news and we can get this little boy on the mend and keep him healthy and well. I am still so frustrated that they didn't qualify him for the Synagis shots this year... last year through the winter he didn't have one respiratory illness... this year he has had bronchitis or pneumonia every single month since October. It is so frustrating. It is so hard to watch him suffer... but we are so grateful for all of the prayers that have brought him through the illnesses safely!

Sweet Relief for Nate...

This has been such a long haul waiting to get Nate's teeth fixed. The poor little boy... he had 4 deep cavities that we knew of for sure. The problem... we had to get definite answers about his reflux, was he aspirating, what was going on there before any dentist would even think of putting him under to fix the teeth... and it seemed the only option was to put him under. Finally we get the answers and get referred to another dentist, that we had to go to Idaho to see. After driving a little over 2 hours, and waiting over 2 hours to even be seen... yes they were running terribly behind... the dentist messed around with his mouth for a few minutes only to say that there was no way they were going to put him under with his history of breathing issues.... and referred us to Primary Children's! DUH! Why didn't we think of that in the first place??? So last Monday, after getting the message the doctor had left on Friday, called us and said to come in today. Now, the worry begins because, as been the norm, he had a fever late Friday night, all night Saturday and Sunday too, and was coughing horribly all night long. So I feared when the nurse came in to check him they would refuse to take care of him. Sure enough she left us to get the doctors to see what they were going to do. Thankfully, a sweet older man who was going to be the aneshesiologist said that with any other kid they would likely send him home, but it was obvious that we were constantly dealing with a window of opportunity with Nate and this might be as good as it gets. He told us his associates would most definitely decline to do the surgery, but he had a good feeling and he might be a cowboy but we were going to get the baby done!!! I didn't know if I felt absolutely terrified or completely relieved at that moment... was it possible to feel both??? He told me he would be giving him some antibiotics and would write a presciption too and then we walked back to the operating room. They told us to come in and shut the door so nobody could see us since we were breaking rules by not being in a sterile 'bunny' suit! Thayne helped hold him down while they gave him rootbeer flavored gas and then he was out. We were both a nervous wreck and ended up walking downstairs to get something to eat. I thought it was kind of funny when the nurse in the waiting room gave us instructions on how to get to the cafeteria... if only she knew the hours I spend there while at the hospital with our little man! They told us it would take about an hour and a half barring no complications... but even warned us with his respitory problems it could be an all nighter... so we walked down, came back up within about 25 minutes and no sooner sat down and here was our sweet cowboy coming out to tell us it owuld be about 15 more minutes and he had done just fine!!! I could have hugged him! Nate was not a happy camper about the iv in his foot and he was mad at the bandaid and the nurse bugging him. But he was in recovery for about 15 minutes and we were gone!!! We went to eat and then drove home while he slept comfortably in the car. He was so happy to be home and reveled in the attention he always seems to get when he walks in the door... he chased Jace around and showed off his new stuffed animal which is absolutely adorable.... and that is that! Our day is complete and now I would just love to crawl into bed!!!

This night was SO fun!!!

We had planned a big pizza party to celebrate all of the March birthdays, and well... to just have an excuse to get together. Our favorite pizza place closed down just for us and it was such a fun night!!! Tallin came from Montana for the big event which was wonderful and we had so much fun visiting with everyone! The evening couldn't have been more perfect!!! After the big party we decided to go to the late movie with Buffy, Tracy, Ric and Katie. We had wanted to see the Bounty Hunter so we went in and laughed and had a great time. About half way through the movie Jace text me to have his dad call him so Thayne went out and called. Cait thought somebody might have been in her house because the door she thought she had locked was open. They were nervous so after the movie we all rode out to the rescue to check the house. It is so wonderful having such fantastic friends that we can laugh with and have such a wonderful time hanging out with. We went in with guns a blazing.... no not really, but we were all laughing so loud that had someone been in there we would have scared them away... checked all of the closets, under the beds, around the corners and anywhere somebody could have been hiding... and got the all clear! However we were not leaving our Caitlyn there alone so she spent the night at our house... which was just as well since Matt was here, and Tallin was home, and my 3 nephews, and the girls friend Bri... yes, I wonder if we could have believed this was what would happen when we thought we wanted a 'full house'!!! And it couldn't be more WONDERFUL!!! I am so very grateful for good friends, a wonderful family and for all of the many, many blessings we have in our lives!!! What a great way to celebrate life... and love... and the gift of friendship and families!!! We might just have to do this every year!!!


Kassi is taking on Tracy now....If the younger girls can cheese for the camera so can Buffy and I!!!

Bri and Kailee... Bri is like an extra daughter and we love her!

THAYNE! Not my Thayne... the other Thayne!

Silly Kassi always cheesing when the camera comes out!

Ella, pretty girl!

Tracy was a little grumpyin the beginning... good thing Thayne was there to cheer him up!

You two are so much alike it makes us laugh... nice face boys!

Kassi, my obnoxious daughter... get out of my face! haha

What did we expect them to do with the balloons??? Really....

Sierra, Katie and Janae came to help us party the night away too!

Most of Caitlyn's family was out of town so we were glad that Tara was able to come... just having fun visiting and eating dinner....The gang's all here having a great night!

Kimi, Matt, Dana, Bri, Kailee, Kami, Cereta, Nate and Tiffany enjoying some pizza!

SHAYNE!!!! :)

Preston, Tallin, Harlon and Shayne hanging out at the pizza place!

Candice posing, while Shalum takes an important call!!! :)

We love Wii...

We had set up the Wii and the boys finally got their chance to play! It was so funny walking in and seeing all of them standing on chairs playing... they were so intense and having such a great time!

Shayne, Kalli doing Candice's hair and Shalum enjoying the party...

Having a great time visiting with everyone...

Shayne, Kerry Buffy, Hunter, Tracy, Thayne and Kalli and Shalum... going around the table from right to left...

Kimi and Matt giving us his tough guy cop impression!!! Poor guy, he gets teased so much about being a cop from everyone in our family... he is great though!!! And he puts up with us so we can't complain at all!

Matt and Kimi... Matt trying to look unimpressed with my desire to take a picture of him!

Checotah... and Dana telling a story... oh my! I didn't notice the picture in the background! :)

Crazy kids... Kailee, Bri, Tawni, Kinzee, Wyatt, Dana, Kassi, Checotah and Harlon... and when the last picture was snapped they fell into a huge pile on the ground, which would have made a better picture but they were scrambling up by the time I got my camara going again...

Cheese Caitlyn!!! And so glad Tallin came home for the big celebration!!!

Great time visiting with the birthday boy and enjoying all of our March birthdays....

10 + 10 + 2 = 22

Yes, 10 + 10 + 2 = 22.... at least that is what one obnoxious dad decided to put on his son's brownies he wanted for his 22nd birthday (instead of a cool cake said 22 year old's mom wanted to get him!!!) 22 years! How in the world did this happen? Have I said that before? 22 years ago I became a mom for the second time, on March 19th at the end of the BYU basketball game... to which I was kind enough to hold off pushing while the doctor enjoyed the victory... I gave birth to this son that has been a constant source of joy to me! Again, how did that happen. So often I see the boy within the man standing before me. And it makes me smile! Jace has gone through so much in the last 4 years, but finally... FINALLY I see the Jace that was there before the bad stuff happened, before he lost his friend, before he felt pain that he shouldn't have had to feel that young, in that way! But now I see the spark again, I see the joy he gets in living, I see him vibrant and happy and strong... and it makes me smile! There are so many reasons to be smiling now... so many wonderful things to look forward to this year. So many joys to make up for any of the sadness and pain. He is better because he walked through it, because you really can't appreciate the good unless you have truly felt the bad... and he has felt it, but it didn't win... he won! Because that is how he is! A winner! This son, who has always been my protector, who has always worried about my happiness, my joy, my pain... the young man who while struggling with his own horrible pain wanted to make sure I was okay... yes, he is 22 now, and this year he will become a husband, and then in time he will become a father... and what a great one he will be. To see him hold his nephew, to see him cherish Nate, and love his other siblings, to see him forgive, to persevere... to walk through the trials in life and come out the winner, to see him smiling.... a smile that goes all the way to his eyes... to hear him laughing, to hear him excited about his life... that is what matters most to me, that is what brings me the greatest joy!!!

Happy Birthday Jace.... I wish for you all of the greatest joys this year, and that even when times are hard, you reach down deep and find the faith to get through anything knowing that you are strong and that you can do absolutely anything! You are a joy to us and we love you!!!

Kimberli Nichole... 21! Wow!!!

Where did the last 21 years go? It seems like they have gone by so quickly. I can remember so clearly the day I found out I was expecting Kimi, and now, here she is, all grown up and starting a great adventure of her own. How is it possible that she is 21??? That means she is an adult. Can it really be????

It seems like yesterday when they told us we were having a little girl. I had wondered if I would... it seemed that all of Thayne's cousins only had boys and I didn't dare believe that it would be a girl even after they told us. I remember so clearly the day I was in labor. Oh, I had been in labor for days it seemed, but this particular Sunday I had labored all through church, with everyone watching, counting the minutes between contractions. We finally decided that we would go to the hospital and a sweet nurse took pity on me and made sure they knew I was staying! After starting me on pictocin I only labored 12 more hours so bright and early Monday morning my beautiful, sweet girl was born... on my sister's birthday! Only the moment she was born was anything but worthy of rejoicing... the little girl I had been hoping for... praying for, was born silent, and so blue she looked black. She had the cord wrapped 3 times around her neck and I was sure I had lost her before I ever even had the chance to hold and love her. Several long minutes went by before I finally had the nerve to ask if it had been my little girl. That was when the doctor went to work trying to revive her. After a very long time, what seemed like an eternity to me, I finally heard a small cry. She was later found to have something wrong with her heart... the left side wasn't developed like it was supposed to be... and we spent 4 days of up and down, heart wrenching moments of watching her turn blue, wondering if she was even going to live. I remember the day they told me that they were life flighting her to Primary Children's and then left me alone to make arrangements. Thayne was called at the mine and he and my dad headed in. That was one of those moments when you have to decide if you truly believe everything you have spent your life saying you believe, and digging deep to finding the faith that would sustain you, no matter how the whole thing turns out. I remember holding her tiny hand and crying, and praying to Heavenly Father to please let me raise her, let me watch her grow, let me see her become the beautiful woman I hoped she would be. But then I stopped... I knew that it wasn't up to me. I knew that my will meant nothing... and that is when I wondered if she was meant to be mine here, now... was it right? What was in store for this sweet little girl? What was in store for our family. I knew what "I" wanted, but in that moment, I learned a huge lesson... I wanted what the Lord wanted for our family and while I hoped, prayed that it meant she would live, I told the Lord, "Thy will be done." And then I waited. I felt peace in my heart, absolute peace, even though I had no idea which way it would turn out. And then Thayne and my dad got to the hospital and Thayne gave her a beautiful priesthood blessing promising that she would be made whole and that all of the tests would come back negative. And then the helicopter came and I watched her fly away! We raced to Salt Lake, praying that she would be healthy and well when we got there. My parents had left before us so that they could be there when she got there. When they brought Kimi into the hospital the doctor asked why they had sent a healthy baby to them. They tried to explain away the heart defect by saying that they must have mixed up the x-rays somehow... which of course there was no way. She was the only baby in the hospital that had x-rays taken of their heart... she HAD turned blue, her heart was defective... until that blessing. And somehow some miracle took place and her heart was whole, and healed and we brought our baby girl home on her big brother's first birthday! Healthy, whole and wonderful! And now she is a grown up... a 21 year old woman with wonderful things in her future! A gift to me... a joy to have been able to watch her get to this point, a joy to watch as she begins to move forward with a wonderful, exciting future of her own. I am so grateful for what I have learned by being her mom. I am so grateful that I could see her overcome so much with a positive attitude and to see her find joy in watching others succeed in their own lives. She has the most beautiful, brilliant smile!

Happy Birthday my beautiful Kimi... I hope that this year brings everything you have ever dreamed of and that you find happiness and contentment in everything you do! Love you!!!

Sweet baby girl, so fresh from heaven! Our sweet girl brought so much joy to our lives....

She loved to swing...

Grandpa and Kimi napping on her blessing day! Aunt Shirley made her the most beautiful dress!

Kimi Nichole ~ 2 weeks old....

Sweet girl... her eyes were the most brilliant blue when she was a baby!

Kimi and Grandma C celebrating her first Christmas...

Aunt Tammy (who shares Kimi's birthday) and her friend Kim celebrating the 4th of July in Delta....

Sweet girl... always excited about life!

Kimi, Tanner and Jace....

Tammy loved having a niece!!!

Kimi on her first birthday... let's hope she eats her cake with a little less mess this year!!!

Trip to Idaho a total bust! Well, sort of!

We finally got to go to Idaho to see the dentist in hopes of getting Nate's teeth taken care of. We had to be there at 10:50am (Idaho time) and he had to go on an empty stomach. We got there right on time... and then we waited... and waited... and waited. For 2 hours we waited. The dentist was running behind. Finally.... the dentist came in. And the fight began. Nate does NOT like to be held down. And Nate's history left him very afraid of putting him under to fix his teeth. The dentist said that he is a stubborn man but he had finally met his match. He is going to make an appointment for Nate at Primary Children's to get his teeth fixed. He felt that with his issues of tracheomalcia, and dysphagia they want someone really experienced in taking care of children who may have their airway compromised. He wasn't a happy camper and though the doctor said that the flouride tasted like fruit, Nate was NOT impressed and was spitting and wiping his mouth on his dad's shirt! Poor baby, it wore him out fighting the dentist off! We of course made up for it by taking him to eat and shopping at Target!!!
Making faces while we were eating.... silly boy

Fish face... he was so cute while we were eating and as we were leaving this sweet little grandma stopped to talk to him. He was so sweet with her, and as she was leaving Nate blew her a kiss and winked at her, which completely thrilled the sweet little lady!

Shopping is rough on a kid...

We went shopping today to take advantage of the case lot sale at our local grocery store. We knew Nate was tired, but by the time we got to the check out line and started unloading the poor little man couldn't keep his eyes open. I kept trying to wake him up, but he just couldn't do it! I couldn't help it... after unloading 3 carts full of groceries the little man was still asleep so I had to snap a picture! Shopping is rough on a kid... poor baby!

You know you are a big family when....

You know you are a big family when you finally give in and go for the #10 cans of Tomato Sauce to make spaghetti sauce for your family!!! :)