March 29 ~ 10 years later

It's hard to believe that it has been 10 years. 10 years ago my phone rang, and I answered to hear my only sister on the line, in tears, waiting, with her husband, her childhood sweetheart, for them to come and get his body. It wasn't a surprise. We knew the time was getting close. Yet, it was a horrible shock all the same. Is anyone really ready to hear that someone you love is gone? My thoughts that night were the absolute pain in my heart for my little sister. She had been the one I watched over, shared a bed with until the day I left home, the one I had watched fall in love, with a love as overwhelming and powerful as I had felt for Thayne the moment I had met him. And now here she was, waiting for his body to be taken away. At the moment we talked, there was peace. It seems like there always is, right before you are thrown into the storm, or maybe while you are in the middle of that storm. The peace came. Before she had to start living the nightmare that was now hers to bear. And my heart broke... melanoma. Cancer! How could it be so cruel. And it IS cruel.

We met Mike when we moved to Illinois. He and Tammy were juniors in high school. There was definitely something different about him when Tammy started bringing him around. Something special. It seems that there was a connection with him... Thayne always felt like he was his younger brother. Tammy was happy and in love. There was no surprise when we knew they would marry. There is, always was something special about Mike. Isn't that the way they say it is? Only the good die young?!

Mike fit into our family as if he were born to be there. One of my greatest memories is going to the Cheese Plant where Mike was working, to tell him that Tammy's water broke and we needed to head to the hospital to wait for Rhett to be born. He was SO excited. He jumped over and around things to get to the door... his heart full of absolute joy of becoming a dad. And he was determined to be a dad to his son... to his sons. You see, Mike wasn't raised with a dad, and he was determined to be the BEST dad. He loved his 4 sons. No... he LOVES his 4 sons. There have been too many experiences to let us know that Mike may have moved on, his body may be gone, but his spirit watches over his family with the same passion he had when he was here. They were always, and always will be his priority.

At 16, he moved right into the role of brother, uncle, friend... Through the years he became a favorite uncle to the kids. A friend to my husband, and no matter what, he was the love of my sister's life. The kids still talk about the time Mike did this, or the time Mike did that... or remember when Mike and Tammy.... And Tammy! The torment she felt when she learned he had melanoma... a mole, gone crazy in his body... how was it possible to do so much damage. And so, that night we talked for what seemed like hours while she waited for someone to take the body of the boy she had fallen in love with and given her heart to. How do you do that? I ached for her, I ached to take away the pain and heart ache that she would have to walk through. I ached to save her from that pain, and to spare her boys the heartache of being raised without their buddy... their dad. It's interesting how fate works. Mike, who had always wanted a dad, ended up being a great dad to his boys... and fought with all of his might to stay with them. In the end, like he had lived his life, he told the Lord, "Thy will be done"... but I can only imagine the cost of doing it! We met a boy of 16... 10 years later we lost the man that boy had become, with 4 boys of his own.

The greatest pain was knowing that my sister was alone now... alone to raise those boys. Alone to feel the pain of his absence after she had put the boys to bed at night. How do you go from somebody being your world, to losing that world, and still having to find a way to push on, and function. Because 4 little boys lost their dad, and needed their mom. It wasn't fair! Too many times she got her heart broke and there was nothing we could do to make that better.

10 years later, things are different. We still miss Mike... it doesn't seem possible that he has really been gone so long. It doesn't seem possible that life keeps moving forward and we are very grateful now that last year Tammy did find joy again. She found it in Pete.

To be honest, we worried when she said she was running off to Hawaii to marry a guy she had recently met. She had been hurt before and we didn't want to see that happen again. But something was different. And when we met Pete, we knew why. He loves Tammy... he lets Tammy BE Tammy, and that means mourn when she needs to mourn... and makes her laugh, when she feels like crying. Pete doesn't compete with Mike, he just loves Tammy and her boys the way Mike would be so happy about.... Tammy says she feels sad that her boys missed out on a dad for so long but is so grateful that Pete has stepped in and treated them as his own, loves them and cares for them... he is a good, good man and I was so grateful to know that she finally has found true joy in life again!!! (Thank you Pete for taking such good care of them!)

I don't know where Tammy thought she would be 10 years later. Not sure that she thought she would be HERE though... with a little man they named Rhiley Jay. Such a gift to complete the joy after so much pain. Such a beautiful little boy who seems to have healed his mom's heart in ways that maybe nothing else could have! It is so much fun to hear her talking about the joy this child brings to her family. He is a gift... 10 years later, a precious gift to mend some of the suffering.

And even funnier is when she talks to me about having another... and another. What in the world??? If you could have heard her before... to hear her now talking about doing pregnancy again, and maybe again... you would only be able to blame the fact that she has found true love again, and found a reason to smile... or, many reasons to smile!

10 years ago she went through the most horrible thing a woman can go through. She said good bye to the love of her life. 10 years... so many hard times, but she has watched her boys grow up, and did the very best she could by them, and for them. Her oldest graduates from high school this year... but she has a new baby boy to keep her busy and a husband that loves and adores her and so much living to look forward to!!! Miss you Mike! And love you Tammy! And thank you Pete! May the next 10 years be so much sweeter to wash away the pain of the last!

Grandma Time!

There is something REALLY awesome about being a grandma!
Like when your grandson gets up and tells his mom he wants to go to Grandma's house!!!
Gabe got up and told his mom he wanted to come to see me.
She told him they needed to go to church first
but he insisted that he should go to church with Grandma.
Now how do you say no to something like that???
She dropped him off on her way to church and he came with us!
He sat on my lap looking at pictures on my phone and talking to me,
went to class without a fight and then told me he was coming home to my house!
His mom got to nap and he wore himself out playing here.
So much so, that he asked her to go to bed last night!
Grandpa asked him who he loved best and without hesitation
he said, "Grandma!"
He told me to come out and see him.
He wanted me to watch him riding the horse.
He just wanted me there... next to him, knowing I thought he was amazing!
There are few things in life as wonderful as knowing you are completely,
unconditionally loved by your grandma!
Yep...
that's this boy!!!

Date night at the concert!

Thayne called me the other day and said he wanted to run away... to get a room, with a jacuzzi and see who was playing in concert. I admit I wasn't sure who Chris Isaak was when I saw his name... so I listened to some of his music and recognized a couple of songs, and I was sold! I told Thayne I got the tickets and we were set for a really awesome, amazing date night! We could have sat and listened to his voice all night. He was INCREDIBLE. I am going to tell you just how amazing he was... he got Thayne up, out of his seat to dance! :) That's saying a lot!!! He sang Unchained Melody and said that it was a love song, and there is nothing better than dancing (and kissing) to a love song... so he wanted to see couples up dancing. And Thayne did! I know, I know... don't fall over!!! I felt his forehead to see if he had a fever! It was so much fun. I think that this was one of my very favorite concerts we have gone to and I really hope we get a chance to see him again! GREAT NIGHT!!! I love hanging out with my sweet husband!!!

Because this is how we do spring...

We live in a crazy place.... it's always been crazy. It's called the high desert. Desert! Makes me think of cactus and sand and no water and heat. A LOT of heat. Instead we get crazy weather that can be well below zero when we get up in the morning and well into the 70's in the afternoon. Like I said, weird! And our desert consists of dirt, and sage brush, and critters roaming through the yard!

So, we should be used to this type of crazy weather. But it never ceases to amaze me that I still stand at the window shaking my head when it gets really crazy. Like last week. Beautiful weather. Spring... has pretty much been all winter. There were moments of freezing, but we waited for that pretty snow storm in December that never came. No sledding on Christmas Eve. No building big snow men. Nothing!

The weather warmed up so much that I was fighting the kids to stay out of the shorts/t-shirts. But they just can't help themselves. Nate especially! :) Wyatt had his scooter out, and Nate was desperate to get a ride around the yard on it. So, he showed up outside ...

Begging Wyatt to take him for a ride....

Dressed like this! Yes, he dressed himself. With Nate, pretty much EVERYTHING has to be his idea. Including the shoe on the wrong foot and the Elmo slipper. But he was SO happy to be out in warm weather... so VERY happy!

Mostly because when it is spring here... you know that the next day you are likely to wake up to this.... yes a foot of snow ended up falling at our house, and then several more inches after the first storm stopped! Gabe did not appreciate having to walk in the snow at Jace's house when we went for cake. But I admit, he looked really cute trying to lift his feet in the snow that hit him to his waste in some places...

So he told his dad to hold him! Much better to have big tall daddy packing you through the snow!
It was crazy!!! It started falling and dumped more snow than it has in years. I think they said 1996 since we had a snow storm like that! It was fun, but it started on a weekend so the poor kids didn't even get the joy of getting a snow day called. It was great 'snowman' snow. And for a few days it felt like December!

And then it started melting. And for the last 2 days I hear water literally running off my house all. day. long! Yay.... spring is here!

To my daughters... my thoughts on womanhood

I have been thinking about something for several weeks and have felt strongly that I need to share it with my kids, especially my daughters. I am not sure why I feel so strongly about it, but the more I have felt it, the more I have seen discussions online about it and I want to share with my children my feelings on womanhood, and motherhood, and the testimony I have of both. I can only express what I believe, and that it comes from my deep belief in the gospel of Jesus Christ, and that it is true. So my beliefs are different than what the world seems to believe, but I cannot deny what I know to be true.

For some reason, it seems that many women struggle with being a woman. They seem to think, that in the church women are looked down on, are less than, because men hold the priesthood. I cannot understand this thinking AT ALL. It doesn't make sense, knowing what I know and believe about the Priesthood and about how Heavenly Father designed each of us. Being a woman is amazing, a gift, and it was not what was left over after Heavenly Father gave His sons the Priesthood! I hear so many women talk about the husband being the 'ruler' in the home... but I have found nothing in the gospel that suggests that men in any way rule over women. On the contrary, it is the exact opposite, as far as what the world refers to the meaning of 'rule'. After hearing women complain about their fear that women are less than men, I have studied and read everything I can get my hands on in regards to what 'rule' or 'helpmeet' means. The only conclusion I can come to is that the meaning of the words have been changed (and yes I can back this up by words of our prophets and others, most especially the Lord). Today, helpmeet seems to indicate a person of lesser stature, a subject or a subordinate. Which couldn't be further from the truth. In reality the meaning(s) mean "Even with or equal to", or the original meaning seems to suggest "to rescue", "to save", or "to be strong" or that Eve (woman) was created to be "a power (or strength) equal to him. Howard W. Hunter taught that "The Lord intended that the wife be a helpmeet for man (meet means equal) - that is, a companion equal and necessary in partnership."

We are equal. Not the same, but equal. Women complete men... men complete women. Two different parts to a puzzle. Two necessary parts to be exalted. What a wonderful and amazing idea... that man, and woman complete each other. Necessary to accomplish Heavenly Father's plan here on earth. I hope that I have lived my life in a way that each of you know that I am not afraid of how the world looks at womanhood, and motherhood. It is not something to be looked down upon. It is not something to dread, or despise, or wish away. There is nothing more noble than being a mother to children. But it isn't even about being a mother. If I had never given birth, I know that women are given that 'mothering' instinct for a reason. The Proclamation to the World explains what we believe. That the role of men and women are different. It is no surprise that the voices of the world scream that gender roles are unfair. I have taught you this for years... that there are 3 things that Satan will never have, he will never have a body, he will never be married, and he will never have children. Those three things are the reason we are here, the purpose of mortal life. So of course he will stir the pot and make gender roles something to be looked down on. It has gone so far now that we are criticized if we stand up for the Lord's truth, called prejudice, or not so enlightened. There is a reason the Lord has said that the father should be the provider and the mother the nurturer. That isn't a bad thing. I have seen my kids come in the house and look to see where I am... it's interesting to see that even now, Gabe comes into the house and yells, "Grandma, I'm here!" That tells me something. Everyone wants to be loved, and accepted and everyone wants to know that someone cares that they are 'here'. Don't ever be afraid to cherish and love the role you were given. Our Heavenly Father has told us that gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal and eternal identity and purpose. So rejoice in it. There is a reason that we are created the way we are, there is a real reason why the Lord has asked for mother's to be in the home... I know there are times that it isn't possible for the mother to be a stay at home mom. But I promise that it is worth the sacrifice. We knew going into our marriage that this was what we wanted to do, needed to do, and were supposed to do. We knew the sacrifices that would have to be made. We knew that it would mean putting some worldly things aside. It is worth it! If at all possible, it is absolutely worth it!

I love seeing my daughters grow to be strong, and not afraid to take on the world. I love that they aren't afraid to speak their mind, and aren't intimidated because they are women. I am grateful for my dad who taught that women were born on pedestals, and never understood why they wanted to step down, and become like men. He taught that women are born with all that is necessary to be able to go to the temple. It doesn't matter if a woman can physically give birth... she was still born with the gift of being a mother... giving life to all that she comes in contract with. He taught that men must become, and remain worthy to hold the priesthood. Not because he is 'less' or 'more' but that he was sent here with different talents, and different responsibilities and receiving and honoring the Priesthood makes him be kinder, gentler and better! Men who honor the Priesthood become great men because of it! If a man thinks that because he holds the priesthood, and as the man, he is someone more than a woman, he is wrong!!! Good men will preside over his family in love, kindness and respect... preside... President Kimball questioned the word rule because of how the world has used it. NOTHING about the Priesthood is selfish. A man cannot ever use the Priesthood for selfish reasons. Everything about the Priesthood is about service, and kindness. The Lord has even, in modern revelation explained that as soon as a man uses his position to cover sins, gratify pride or vain ambition, to exercise control or dominion or compulsion, in any degree of unrighteousness, the heavens withdraw themselves, the Spirit of the Lord is grieved, and when it is gone, Amen to the Priesthood or the authority of that man. What a scary thought... what a sobering thought. Any man who is given this authority must guard against using it unrighteously. However, I feel that it is important to find humility in everything... including being 'led' by mortal men. I have heard women complain that Church leaders somehow misused their authority and they claim that is the reason they left the Church. Do not ever be so proud that you cannot take criticism (whether it is correct or not) or advise. Think about when we watched 17 Miracles. Levi Savage was concerned about leaving so late in the season. His worries and concerns were valid. He was criticized publicly for stating his concerns. He had every reason to leave. He chose to stay. He didn't care about anything but being right with the Lord. We are living the gospel where mortal men and women are in charge. I remember struggling at one point after having my 5th baby in 4 years. Your dad worked swing shift, 2pm to 2am at least 5 days a week, and I was in a small apartment alone, putting the kids to bed, taking care of their needs, struggling with an empty cup so to speak. I was overwhelmed and tired and needed something to fill my own cup. I remember praying specifically for a calling in church that would help do that... something to make me stretch beyond what I was doing and fill my empty cup. Through a lot of prayer I soon felt strongly that I would be getting a specific calling. I was excited about it, but weeks went by and nothing. Then we had an opportunity to spend some time talking with our bishop. Through the conversation he said that someone had asked for me in a calling, but he knew that having 5 small children was just too much and to ask me to do more would not be right. That is when I told him what the calling was... and why I knew. That the Lord knew me very well, far better than he did, and that He knew what I needed the most. That day I saw a very humble man say that he had made a mistake thinking he knew more than the Lord did, and that he would learn that lesson well. I enjoyed that calling for the remainder of the time we lived there and I learned something too... we are all human! And the Lord sees us with His eternal perspective... not what we think we know about someone. We should be humble, we should be willing to forgive when others make mistakes and we should be willing to let ourselves be stretched and grow to become what Heavenly Father wants us to be!

I want you to know that I know that women are precious to our Heavenly Father. Man = male AND female together. You are precious daughters of our Heavenly Father. You were sent here for a reason, for a purpose so great that you can't possibly understand it right now. But you will!!! You have the ability to lift others in ways that I can't even begin to explain to you. When you are happy, those around you will be happy also. You each have the gift of reaching out a hand and lifting another higher than they are, and even higher than some believe they can be. You are strong, your courage amazes me. Do not ever be afraid of following the commandments exactly. Don't be afraid to share your testimony by word, and by action. Don't ever believe that you are smarter than God. True knowledge comes through the gift of the Holy Ghost. You are not enlightened when you turn your mind away from the Lord and from the gospel. You are free only when you live your life the way Heavenly Father expects you to live. You have the ability to influence generations. You are amazing. I love each of you and am so grateful to be taught by you. I love when we joke to never underestimate the power of a woman... but it is no joke. You are life... you are givers of life. Don't ever, ever take that for granted!!!

Jace is 24

Caitlyn had us over Sunday night for Jace's birthday. She made brownies and we put ice cream and chocolate on top because really, there is nothing better in the world than brownies, with ice cream and chocolate on top! To celebrate Jace turning 24. Such an old man. My sweet mama's boy is 24 already! Happy Birthday Jace! Hope this year brings all kinds of wonderful for you!!!

I love this picture of Nate... he is looking at Jace and you can see the adoration on his face when it comes to his big brother!

Blowing out ALL of those candles!

Sometimes...

Sometimes I am having a bad day, and my kids know it.
And sometimes... when I am having a bad day,
They do things like bring me flowers...
And chocolate... and a card that says I love you!
Yes
Sometimes I walk out of my room and have Kassi, and Kalli, and Kami, and Nate
hand me pretty roses, one at a time
and say I love you.
And my day suddenly becomes really amazing!

I drink this....

I drink this... a LOT during the day... Mostly because I miss this boy so much that it hurts some days.....

And the funny thing is, in his email on Sunday he told me to think of him when I drink Fiji water because he was there at the plant where it is bottled. And that he gets to drink it a lot because some of the owners are members of the Church.

But mostly I smile when I drink my Fiji water, because for some weird reason it makes me feel close to my son!

Even better... Gabe walked by the waters in the store and pointed to the Fiji water and told Garrett, "There's Grandma's water!"

Kasssi turned 18

Kassi is 18! 18 years old! Another adult. It kind of makes me want to cry to think of how fast another child has become an adult! It has been so fun to watch Kassi grow up. She is an amazing young woman. She is kind, and she has a way of making everyone around her smile. I have truly been blessed as a mother of daughters. They are amazing, and they are my friends. For my birthday Kassi made me a scrapbook. On the first page she wrote, "Most girls firght with their moms. I'm glad I'm not one of those girls. I'm glad to have you as my best friend, to talk to, to mess around with. You are amazing, and don't ever forget it. I love you!" I could say the same thing to her... and I hope that she never forgets how amazing she is. She is a blessing to our family... to me!

Kassi had finished her Personal Progress and wanted to receive her Young Womanhood Recognition ON her birthday. Leave it to Kassi to want to do it completely in her own way, and in her own time. I think the thing about Kassi is that she always lives the standards in For The Strength of Youth. She tries very hard to always live the Young Women values and her example is a great blessing to many. She shows that there is joy in living... and that you can be very happy while living the gospel standards and expects others to be the best that they can be also.

It makes me sad to think that it won't be long before Kassi spreads her wings and flies... but it also makes me happy, and excited to see exactly what she is going to do. Happy Birthday beautiful girl... may this be the beginning of a lifetime of amazing!

Kassi's young women medallion...

Gabe, sitting next to me, asked me to take his picture. How could I resist those eyes???
Kinzee was going to be singing tonight, but she was still a little shaken (okay, a LOT shaken) from the accident. In fact she was a little wobbly and almost tipped over. Poor girl!!!
Kassi and Gabe being silly!
Blowing out her candles at church for her birthday. Reta (Kassi's Young Women President) said she was going to make her a cake but then realized if she made a cake for Kassi she would have to make it for every single girl and that could get a little overwhelming! :)
Reta gave Kassi a 'sippy' cup for her birthday because, it seems, she has a problem with spilling water when she is at church!

Kassi thought it was funny to be '81' instead of '18'... she's so cute! :)

Make a wish.... (and she insisted on Oreo Cake... because she shares her birthday with Oreos!)

The accident

We got one of 'those' phone calls the other day... one of those phone calls that makes you heart stop for a moment and things around you start to spin. Thayne and I were headed over to the temple. We were 3 hours from home when my phone rang, with a number I didn't recognize. Thayne answered it, but nobody was on the other end. Our service was in and out but it rang again immedietely. Those next few seconds are fuzzy in my mind. I think the Lord, knowing what was coming completely calmed my mind and comforted me before I even knew I needed it because I heard one thing, but Thayne said that he told me another. A sweet girl who knows Kinzee called to tell us that Kinzee had been involved in a bad accident in front of the high school. She said she didn't know how bad and that she could see her and would get information and call us back. I heard or maybe it was a way my mind could rationalize it all was that she could see her, and that she was okay. Thayne says he didn't say she was okay... because he wasn't sure of anything at that point. My thinking was that I did not know this girl, didn't have her phone number, so obviously in my mind Kinzee must have given it to her. Makes sense, right?

Over the next little bit, we started calling to get her help. I couldn't get through to Garrett or Jace right off so I called Kailee at work. She is just down the road working, and right next to the fire department and heard the sirens go off. Not long after, the same girl that called us, called Kailee at work also. Then we got through to Garrett and then Jace and they all headed to the school to be with Kinzee. I have to say that it was amazing to know that they all stepped up and went to be with her, taking care of her when we couldn't be there. Thayne also called Tracy and he and Buffy went right to the hospital too and stood in as her second parents! They have saved us more times than I dare even count! The boys stayed with her at the school and sent Kailee ahead to be at the hospital when she got there. While the picture below doesn't show the huge bump on her head, it was BIG. She had a bad concussion and serious whiplash. She was wearing her seatbelt but it didn't not lock until she had hit left to right (into the passenger side window) and front to back, hitting hard on the dash. They say it is a good thing the airbags were turned off (not sure why they were turned off but we are truly grateful they were), because had the deployed the force of the impact because the seatbelt didn't lock would have crushed her skull. There are so many tiny miracles all wrapped up in the big one... that she is alive and will recover. Accidents happen in life... I am just so very grateful that this accident wasn't any worse than it was.

Thayne and I rushed home to just hug her... to know for ourselves that she was going to be okay. But I am grateful for the way the kids stepped up and took care of each other. I am grateful for her brothers being able to go in and give her a Priesthood blessing. I am grateful for family and for friends who are there for us, always!
Kassi didn't dare let her sleep alone.... Kailee couldn't resist the picture!
All of the sisters were worried about Kinzee and cuddled in bed with her (although in this actual picture she looks grumpy, but she is hurting really bad!)

Tanner's Day

For the first time in I don't know how many years, we celebrated Tanner and Kassi's birthdays on different days. I mean, they were both born on the same day... but we usually do their celebrations together and honest, they dont' mind. It's been a tradition to have them stand in front of the fridge with their cakes and get pictures together. He teases her that she is the only gift he got that he can't return! :D (he's teasing... he really does think she was the best gift EVER) But this year schedules were conflicted (darn kids that think they need to grow up and do their own thing on their birthday!!!) so we told Tanner we would do pizza at our favorite pizza place and celebrate with pizza and banana splits (because Tanner hates cake... or so he claims, I mean really, who hates cake???). It was fun to spend some time with him and hang out as a family, minus Garrett and Tiffany and the boys.

I love this boy. I am so very grateful to be his mom. I hope that this year he takes on the world and shows them exactly the kind of man he is... he has greatness inside of him and I want nothing more for him than to reach inside and let that greatness shine!!! I have a tender spot in my heart for him. I spent many hours holding that boy as a baby, grateful that despite a rocky start, he was still there to be mine. The years haven't always been easy, for him, or for me. But there isn't a moment of my life that I haven't said a prayer of gratitude that I get to be his mom!

I love you Tanner James! It's time for you to shine!!! Happy Birthday!!!!


Here's some of the crew ready to party!!!
I love Tanner's tender heart. He loves his little brothers and sisters!

Noah hanging out with his big brothers!

Kassi! And Noah!

Wyatt... and Hayden

Beth, because she is just part of the family! We keep her around because she is shorter than Kinzee so Kinz doesn't feel as bad! ;)

Make a wish....

Tanner... yep, that's Tanner!

Caitlyn and Kalli are always ready to pose when the camera is near!!! :)