'Tis the season for miracles.....

December is the month we celebrate miracles. Especially the miracle of birth. A week ago today we celebrated the birth of our new son. And there are too many miracles to count as we rejoice in his birth.

We were supposed to be at the hospital by 10am. We got there just in time. Everything was going smoothly and I wasn't even nervous as noon rolled around. That was the time I was supposed to walk into the operating room and be prepped for my 10th c-section. As noon approached, the nurse came in and said that Dr. Chambers was held up in another surgery, in another hospital. But plan on 1pm. 1pm became 2pm. The nurse joked that it was all hurry up and wait and watch... as my doctor gets there, something will come up and I will be waiting for anesthesia. Funny how her prediction came true. By 3pm I was nervous and not very eager to go face the knife (so to speak) and had completely scared myself silly. But it was time to go face the music. Thayne and I were taken to the operating room where I climbed on the table and waited to become numb. It didn't take long and everything seemed to be going smoothly, except I was scared to death. I was shaking. And so, I started doing what I always seem to do when I get scared. I pray! And I pray, and I pray. And soon this wonderful calm came over me and I knew it would be okay. Though Thayne did say what he always says before my c-section begins. He said, "You cannot do this to me again!"

My doctor had expected the surgery to take a while. I have never actually watched a c-section but I could see everything reflected in the light above me. So I watched. I was very removed from the whole thing since I knew in my mind they were cutting on me, but since I couldn't feel anything it was easy to convince myself that it was some gross episode of a Baby Story or somehting. I just couldn't help myself. Dr. Chambers kept commenting that there wasn't as much scar tissue as there was last time (yes, because SHE did the last c-section and actually takes pride in her work and didn't leave me a mess!!!) and how easy this was. She said the incision on my uterus was thin, she could see baby through it, but it was holding tight and she commented more than once how she couldn't believe how well I hold up. :) I didn't tell her that this was just one of the many miracles that we have seen in our lives having children.

Nathaniel was sideways (though he had moved several times that I was being prepped.... we saw that thanks to 2 ultrasounds) and his back was up, in a position they say is most difficult to deliver by c-section (I would imagine it would be completely impossible to deliver naturally.... but that's another story!). I could feel a lot of pressure. It felt like somebody was jumping on my belly. It felt like the most wild roller coaster ride ever. Again, Dr Chambers continued to comment on how well it was going. I watched as they were able to get his head out. He had a head full of dark hair and the most adorable little face. I told her to make sure she really cleaned out his lungs. I have had amnios with kids at 38 weeks that showed the lungs weren't mature and honestly, that was my biggest fear knowing I would have to deliver before 37 weeks. At 3:32pm our amazing Nathaniel Adam was born weighing 7lbs 5oz and 19 1/2 inches long. The cord was wrapped all around him, his arms, shoulders, stomach... he moved around way too much before he was born. I heard him cry, and they were cleaning out his lungs good, but I still heard him suck fluid back in. Thayne went over to take pictures of him because our kids were making us crazy waiting for us to send them pictures. What a world we live in today. We can be 3 hours away from our kids, but because of a little thing called a cell phone we are able to take pictures of their brother only seconds after birth and they can receive them. They were jumping for joy. He has the most beautiful features... in a wonderful, handsome sort of way! But he was having problems breathing and they wanted to get him immediately to NICU. I was heartbroken.... but knew he had to get help. I told Thayne to go with him, I would be fine. And I started praying again. We had prayed for weeks that his lungs would be mature and that he could come home with me. I had prayed that after having him on Monday, we would be able to come home on Thursday and all would be well. Yes.... we got that miracle also. When I finally heard anything from the NICU they said that he had been on 58% oxygen, but had weaned down to 21%. But they were talking about him being in the hospital through Christmas. So I prayed harder. Thayne stayed in the room with me (if you knew how bad Thayne hates hospitals, you might even consider that a miracle!). He got up the next morning to go check on Nate while I showered. I was going to see my baby and nobody was going to stop me! They wouldn't let me go the night before. Thayne called me and said that they told him I should get right down there so I could try to nurse him for the 8:30am feeding. Wild horses couldn't have kept me away! I fell in love all over again looking at his sweet face. He is amazing. I am always amazed when people tell me I can't possibly love so many children the same. I think they are silly. I don't love them the same. I grow a new heart everytime I have a new child. He doesn't share my heart with any of the other kids.... he has one of his very own. I sometimes feel overwhelmed, humbled and in awe that I have 15 hearts walking around on the outside of my body. Oh, and by then, he was completely OFF of the oxygen and they were going to watch his blood sugar, wanting me to come every 3 hours to nurse and if we could keep that stable he would be coming to my room that night. They finally brought him to me at 9:30pm Tuesday night. By Wednesday morning his doctor said he looked fantastic and didn't think it would be a problem for him to go home Thursday morning! Still another miracle.

The nurses couldn't believe when I told them I wanted to get up and moving. They said they liked to wait 12 hours. I finally told them I would get up with or without them, but I was washing my face and brushing my teeth. And I wanted to eat. They were worried that I would be sick. I wasn't and ate like I hadn't in days! The kept telling me that people did not recover from a c-section the way I recovered. They couldn't believe how I was up and going. I told them I always did that. That is another miracle. Everything about this pregnancy and birth are miracles. I know it! We have been so blessed. This wonderful little man is so loved. His brothers and sisters fight over him, beg to hold him... I have to get up before the birds if I want to bath him, otherwise his sisters think he is their personal doll and they fight over what outfit he is going to wear and who gets to bath him today. The most beautiful sight happened the other night when Tanner (17) came in at about 10:30pm. Everyone was in bed except Nathaniel and me. Tanner asked if he could hold him while I got myself ready for bed. The lights were all out except the lights from the Christmas tree. I came out of my room and there sat Tanner... holding his little brother, looking at his face, stroking his ear (Nate has Tanner's ears... there is a little bend at the top of their ears and Tanner thought it was awesome that his brother has the same thing!) and talking so sweetly to him. A newborn baby brings a touch of heaven to our home everytime!

So tonight, the night before Christmas, the night we celebrate the birth of our Savior, I am celebrating the birth of my own newborn son, and I am so grateful for the miracles I have seen this month. The house is quiet. Everyone is asleep, or pretending to be asleep waiting on Santa's visit. But my heart is full as I think of all the gifts I have been given. And no amount of money could have ever bought these gifts. Tonight my parents are asleep downstairs and will be here to witness the joy of Christmas morning with my family. My children are safely tucked in bed (except Garrett, but I look forward to his call tomorrow afternoon) and I am married to the most amazing man I know. And by faith miracles happen.... and I knew that it could be this way!

3 days.... and counting!

3 days until we meet this little man that has consumed every heart in our home. 3 days. This is more exciting than Christmas at our house. We went to the doctor Wednesday. I knew that I wasn't going over to have him. It is too early. The 17th is still 3 weeks early but we know we need to get him out then so we are just praying his lungs are developed and he is healthy and ready to come home and meet his crazy family! But every couple of minutes we would get a phone call, or a text message asking if we were staying. We hadn't even made it to the doctor, but they wanted to know if we were staying to have our baby! Then they told us they were just excited and wanted him to come now so they could hold him. Thayne told me he didn't even need a bed, he would have plenty of arms to be cuddled in. Haha, that's funny! Get the boy's bed set up.... he is not being held 24 hours a day! (Okay, he seriously might be held 24 hours a day but I am really going to try to prevent that!)

My doctor appointment went really well. People are so worried about me (which is nice but still....). One of my friend's asked Thayne yesterday if it was hard to convince my doctor to let me come home. He told her it was quite the opposite. She is very positive and sent me on my way saying she would see me Monday!

Monday!!! I can't believe it is almost here. Monday. Between now and Monday I have got to get my house cleaned, bedroom organized, Christmas finished, baby stuff ready, laundry done (yes, I know... it's never done but it is now about neck deep and growing so I really need to do something!) and kids taken care of before we leave. My sister in law is coming out Monday night to do dinner with them. They will love that. I have wonderful friends that will take care of things while I am gone, but oh how I look forward to coming home with our new little man, sitting by the Christmas tree with all of the lights off and just the pretty lights from the tree shining, drinking my mint hot chocolate and looking into the face of our newborn son.... now THAT is something I am looking forward to. I love the look on the kids' faces when they meet a new sibling. I can't wait to have them see him! They all want to be there so badly for this. I can't wait to put him in all of the cute clothes we have just hanging there, waiting for him to come home.

3 days!!! This pregnancy has gone so fast I can't believe it! 3 days! Last night Thayne and I were watching him moving around. My belly was changing shapes, you could literally see him rolling over. And I just kept thinking how amazing this is. After 14 other kids, the 15th can still make me sit back and be amazed at the miracle of life. What a great time of year to be having a baby. A time of year when we celebrate other miracles. This is the best! 14 children, and I always wanted a December baby. The 15th, a complete surprise, and we finally get that December baby. A miracle. Nathaniel.... a gift from God. And he most certainly is!!!!

Where are the elves????

I want to know which union Santa's elves are working for because they certainly aren't doing their job!!! If the little men/women are the workers, why do I feel like I have been hit by a truck, my back is so sore from walking, (the term shop till you drop comes to mind) and then sitting to wrap all of the gifts, for hours yesterday?

Wednesday was my doctor appointment so off we went to Salt Lake. And then we hit the stores. We figured we really were pushing it by not having Christmas ready and it was time to get something done. By the time we got home it was almost 2am Thursday morning. We had shopped, walked, picked out the best deals, and finally I waddled my way to the car and thought I was going to pass out. Thayne and I took turns driving home because we were both so tired. Thankfully the little kids were spending the night with a friend of ours so we got to sleep in until 6:30am. It was blissful. I don't remember sleeping 4 full, continous hours in a very long time. Which only made me more tired!

So, yesterday we hit a couple of more stores here in town, and then I came home to start making my lists, checking them twice, knowing that even if the kids are naughty they are not being left out! :) Heaven forbid they wake up Christmas morning and one have too many gifts to open and another not enough. On top of it all, we had not gotten Garrett's packages sent off to Puerto Rico yet so I spent a good part of the day getting that ready and it only cost $60+ to send it! Couldn't we have just sent pictures???? :) But... back to the wrapping. I wrapped, and wrote down everything I wrapped. And then I wrapped some more. There were times when I needed to get up and couldn't, so I would call Thayne to either pull my poor pathetic self up, or get me whatever it was I needed. My hips hurt. My back hurts. My feet hurt! I need an elf to rub my feet while I do this! They obviously weren't coming to wrap the gifts. I'm just not so sure about the whole Santa thing. He is not the reason for the season, that's for sure. But he sure gets a lot of credit for something he doesn't do!!!! :) I am going to make a complaint. Where I will send it, I'm not sure.... but it will make me feel better just writing one! Kind of like those lists I make. Now I have to watch my lists and hope that I am sneakier than my mom, who made the lists but then my brother and I found them and knew everything we were getting for Christmas anyway! Live and learn... that's what we need to do!!! :)

One week and counting.....

One week to go. Almost to the hour. I can't believe I only have a week left and I will be holding my newest little boy. If I can make it that long. I've had contractions all night. Even staying down isn't stopping them. One week, I can do this! The problem is that I have such a busy week that I wonder how I can get any of it done feeling this way. I haven't even been nervous about the c-section yet. Usually I am awake at night terrified. I'm not yet. I am just so very excited to see this little man, to hold him, to love him. To have him in our home, to be loved by everyone. His brothers and sisters are so excited. His dad is so excited. I am so excited! To be able to celebrate Christmas with a newborn baby is going to be amazing.

One week... we can do this!

100 Santa bags....

Done! Tomorrow is our party at the church. I have got all of the turkeys handed out and my 3 are cooking (we slow cook them all night and they fall apart when it's time to eat... YUMMY!), and got the bags that Santa will hand out after the program all done! Oranges, candy canes and all kinds of chocolate! All I have left to do is decorate, make gallons of gravy, mix up the instant potatoes (hey, I have to peel 20lbs just for my family... there is no way I am peeling enough potatoes to feed 250+ people) and make some pies. I am getting closer to crossing everything off my "Need to do before the baby is born" list. I even packed my hospital bag today. I did NOT get my house cleaned like I wanted but I have a few days to worry about that. Besides, it won't really matter since I will leave home and the kids will still be here so it doesn't matter that it is not the way I want it anyway, right??? I'll keep telling myself that and maybe, just maybe I can be convinced.

Now, if only I could sleep tonight! That would be a real treat!

12 Days to go.....

In 12 days I will be holding my new little boy. 12 days. Not even 12 days because the surgery is scheduled for noon. It is the 5th of December already. Where did the last 11 months go? Who said time could go so quickly? I have done nothing today. I was contracting all day and since I really need to make it 12 more days, I just did nothing. Of course my house shows that I really did NOTHING. Thank goodness for Kailee. She helps me... she makes me take care of myself. But these last 12 days are the busiest of the year. I have a 1st grade program tomorrow night. This is after another important meeting that we have to attend earlier. I need to be on the phone right now following up with plans for the Christmas party I am in charge of on Friday. Calling to make sure everyone that signed up is bringing the pies and salads, making sure Santa has his outfit cleaned and ready, making sure the 100 bags of candy for good (or bad) little boys and girls are ready for Santa to hand out. I have 4 turkeys to cook, decorations to get ready. Saturday is a baptism we are going to, and then Thayne's company party (I am so glad my sister and her husband are going to be there!) and nothing to really wear since I will be 9 days from delivery and getting bigger by the day but no real need to buy any more maternity clothes. The next week will be just as crazy since I still need to shop and pack, finish Christmas shopping (yes, AFTER we get paid again but BEFORE we have the baby... this will be interesting), get the house in order, figure out what we are doing with the kids, make another trip to Utah for my doctor appointment, which will take all day of driving and nothing accomplished but see that I gained 2 more pounds and yep, see ya on Monday, scout pack meeting to which each boy volunteered to take crepes, becauseit is one of our family Christmas traditions, and sugar cookies because that is another tradition. I have to get the video store ready, the new releases in the computer early, the hours sent in to the owner, the laundry caught up, decisions made on what we are doing with the kids while we are gone. I need to get all of their gifts for school parties bought and wrapped and sent in. I still have a blanket to finish. And a bed to get, and a stroller to put together, and don't get me going on how I still need to put together a Christmas box for Garrett in Puerto Rico and get it sent so he will have Christmas there.... does the list ever end???

Is it any wonder why the days pass so quickly and I still feel like I have accomplished nothing???? I think I need to send the kids on vacation and let me get the house cleaned and then spend the next 12 days in bliss of a clean home and no responsibilities. I have people offer to help me all of the time and then say I don't let anyone help. I wonder what they would do if I actually said, "Oh sure, come on over, take the kids, here's my laundry, shopping list, things to get done list, and could you make sure dinner is on the table at 5:30pm?" They would flip. The offer to help is one thing... :) Living life out loud is something completely different!

I'm tired, but I can't sleep. My mind is tired, but it never shuts off. Thayne tells me I need to concentrate on one thing and not stress myself out with so many things at once. Is this just a man thing? Because every man I know makes his list and concentrates on one thing. Don't bring up too many things, just that one and life will be grand. Women think of 6, 7 or 15 things at once (usually depending on how many children they have!) and know that you cannot do just one thing.... it's not possible.

And knowing me the way I do... I won't even take time to relax in the hospital. I just don't. I stay awake looking at the new baby. I can stare forever at a newborn face. I can't sleep because I will miss those precious moments that I will never get again. And I know the minute I walk in the door I will have to share that newborn with more than a dozen other people who will love and adore that new baby. So, I have decided that in about 18 years I might be able to rest again. But I won't count on it! Because by then I could have 18 grandkids to love and spoil!

Choices..... changes......

Isn't it interesting how we resist change? I used to be a 'fly by the seat of my pants' kind of girl. Thayne had been out of work for several months and got word that he may have a job in Milwaukee. MAY! Not for sure... he was told he MAY have a job. We had 4 kids, the 5th on his way. 4 kids 3 and under. And we loaded up the truck, a small U-Haul, the car, and off we went. We were somewhere in the middle of nowhere when I freaked out and stopped him. I asked him what we were doing. He told me it just felt right. Yes, it did! So we got back in and drove. We were there 18 months and it was an experience that made our lives better. We learned things we wouldn't have learned otherwise. We grew together. It was fun. We ate out a lot. It was really cheap to eat out with 4 kids under 3... they ate free everywhere we went! :) haha We moved again to Illinois without a care in the world, and then back to Utah. And then we moved to our current home 14 years ago. And here we have been. And now, the opportunity to change is here. And it sounds tempting. I told Thayne if we only had 6 kids we would have been on the road already. It sounds fun. It sounds scary. All of the things you have to think about now. All of the responsibility. As if 5 kids wasn't real responsibility. Add 10 and everything changes!!!! We lived in motel rooms and moved to several states in one year, but here we are now... stuck in a rut, or at least it feels like that right now. What used to feel like home now feels something similar to a ball and chain. But choices are scary. The what if's are very real. Too many things to look at. Grown up stuff that wouldn't have mattered back in the day when we loaded the few things we actually had to our name and left for lands unknown. Is it right? Is it wrong? Wouldn't it be nice if the answers were always so clear, the future always predictable? Or maybe not. We learned so much when we had to just go and do. Maybe it's just that I am a tramp miners daughter, it's in the blood. The thrill of the change, new job, new life, new friends. So I wonder how it is that my husband inherited that same blood. It's not a good thing when both of us have gypsy blood. Although for 14 years I have kept it under control. Now the gypsy in me is coming out again. Mabye I just am in the last 12 days of pregnancy and I want to do something different with my life. The last year has been tough in many ways and maybe the lure of a fresh start is inviting. Who knows.... maybe nothing will change. Maybe everything will change. Maybe I stay right where I am and make changes in my life that I have been feeling I need to for a long time. Maybe not... who knows. Choices.... changes.... life!