Random thoughts from a confused, tired mind...

Sometimes I wake up very early in the morning when it is quiet in my house... more often than not I receive answers to prayers in the early morning hours. Sometimes I just get more questions.

I have been thinking lately about the idea of being quiverful, the idea of fertility, of having children, of not having children... if you know me, you know that I love babies. I love having babies. I love being pregnant, even when it is horrible and miserable. But, contrary to a few that have said behind my back (it's amazing how we think we can ever get away with saying something behind somebody's back... it always gets back to the person you are talking about!) that I only have them to replace the baby... that I only like babies... that is completely false. I love my kids!!! All of them. I love newborns, can never get enough of newborns, but love every single stage they go through, from babies, to toddlers, to preschool clear through high school and on into adulthood! In fact I find great joy in the journey of my children growing up and especially enjoy my teens, and finding even greater joy in my adult children. It's all pretty amazing! I love watching them discover life. I love watching them show me what they are discovering. I love watching them become adults with hopes and desires of their own.

The miscarriage has brought out many feelings that I would rather not deal with at times. Should I be done? Am I done? Do I want to be done? Thayne seems to believe that I will never feel complete and that it is my call in life to be a mom, and he thinks that because I have such a strong testimony of the role of mother that I will always have the desire to have another. I told him I am not sure that is fair to ask of me... but I know that we are an eternal part of Heavenly Father's plan, to bring His spirits to the earth. We are here to be tested, to be tried, and to find joy in the journey of becoming like the Savior, and being a mother is the greatest way to accomplish that.

But... what does that mean? I hear the 'quiverful' theory, and though it may appear that I live my life by that theory, I am not sure that I even believe it! I do not believe that the Lord expects us to go through life without making decisions... I know that the Lord is bound by natural laws. That is who He is. So if the conditions are right, you will conceive. It isn't just that it was because He wanted you to get pregnant. I believe that we are supposed to make our decisions based on thought, prayer and action... non action doesn't count. For instance, I hear about a large family on tv that says they let the Lord decide, that they are 'quiverful' minded... only she stops nursing her newborn at a certain point in order to regain her fertility. So technically she isn't leaving it open to God, because she is taking matters into her own hands! Her actions determined what she would do... choice and consequences. For the most part, I allowed my choices to dictate my consequences. But we went into having our children through thought, prayer and often fasting. We did not just say "If I get pregnant it must be meant to be..." because again, I believe that the Lord is bound by natural laws... since they are His laws, and He will not overstep and stamp out our agency! I do know however that sometimes it isn't always the case. There have been times that I shouldn't have gotten pregnant and did... but I also know that all things will work together for our good and sometimes the things we expect the least teach us the most. That doesn't mean it is always the easiest... I have never known ease to be a good teacher. Some of the greatest learning experiences came from the worst experiences. But I KNOW... I know that no matter what, ALL things work for our good if we allow it! Sometimes allowing God's will means to know when He says 'no' or even 'enough'... though that means something different for everyone! I wonder why some people I love deal with not being able to get pregnant when they want. Why do they go through that? I don't know. But I have come to know in my heart that we were sent with our own personal package of trials, and those trials are to make us become like the Savior... like our Heavenly Father. I read a quote by Orson F. Whitney that said: "No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God... and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to aquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in Heaven." I know that it doesn't matter WHAT we experience, it matters how we walk through the experience. So that means that we have to take accountability for our actions, not do nothing and say that it is God's will! I think that sometimes we are more righteous by asking the Lord what He wants us to do, and then, even when the answer is no, or maybe especially when the answer is no we need to be obedient. I think often of the blessing that my brother in law was given before he died. He did NOT want to die. He had a wife that he cherished and loved and 4 boys that he wanted to raise. At the end, he was told through a Priesthood blessing... "You have been obedient in life, now it is time to be obedient in death... well done, thou good and faithful servant!" I think more than anything that taught me that sometimes we walk through things that we don't want to go through, and that more important that being obedient when the answer is yes, we need to be obedient most especially when the answer is no! And then understand that all things will work for our good and nothing will be denied to us! I think we are in a mindset that everything must be now... when we want it, how we want it and without very much effort! In the end, isn't it more important that we hear the words, "Well done..."

I guess I am no closer to the answers I am searching for... except that I know, through the quiet whisperings of the Spirit in the early morning hours that the choices I make are mine to make. Living our lives in accordance to the Lord's will is what matters... but often the decisions are ours alone to make, and the consequences are what will make us either more like the Lord, or less... choices have consequences. Now, only if I could see the end from the beginning and know how my choices will end up!

Romo is home....

Romo escaped yesterday. Thayne took him outside before he left for work at around 3:30am and let him run around but when he brought him in the house again he was so hyper and wound up that Thayne put him in the garage. Sadly when the kids went out to get him when they got up, he wasn't there. The door had been left partially open and he was no where to be found. Which was odd since he doesn't usually venture far from home!

Everyone (as in all of the kids) whined and cried about him all afternoon and all last night. They were all so upset. The pound was closed when we called yesterday afternoon so this morning at 10am when it opened Kailee was on the phone asking about the dog!!! YEP... it sounded like they had him. He was picked up probably 2 miles from the house late last night. The little party animal!!!! Kids are jumping for joy and Thayne has been properly reprimanded for allowing the door to get opened and $87 later we have the dog that I am still not convinced I wanted, home safe and sound!!! Hyrum is thrilled and Nate was so excited he gave him hugs and kisses.

So Romo old boy... we're glad you are home... but if you do it again, I might not be so generous to go looking for you!!!!! ;)

Nate was thrilled he was home, gave him loves and hugs and let him know he would be tied up constantly if he thinks he can run off!!!

He said yes....

Kailee was waiting on an answer to SOIS... the dance where girl asks the guy to go. She was beginning to wonder if he wasn't going to answer.... and then last night she got a text message from him to look outside the door. There was a pizza with his answer on it! HE SAID YES!!! Now it's all about finding a dress. We are going to have to make a quick trip to Utah to find her one! She's really excited to go!

Lunch with Caitlyn....

Well... lunch with Caitlyn and Jace cuz I am sure Jace pretty much invited himself or something!!! :) It's Caitlyn's 19th birthday! It seems like she has been a part of the family forever... Can't believe she is 19 now! Hope you have a wonderful birthday Caitlyn!!!! And thanks for sharing the yummy brownie and ice cream!!!

Edited to add a picture of her TODAY because I only had one on my computer of when she graduated!

And still more...

Still more pictures of the newleyweds! They are doing really good and are happy as clams being married! Tonight we went into Shayne and Kerry's for taco night and they came and hung out with us for a long time. Tiffany was very cute holding little Ella and it's easy to see how excited they are for a baby of their own. It was fun having taco night at Shayne's too. We used to have taco nights a couple of times a month with them... of course we had quite a few less kids when we did it that often, but it's not a big deal since everyone works so well together.

Something to blog about #3

Thayne pretty much talked Tiffany out of going to San Diego to the temple.... talked her into going to Bountiful so that it would be easier, less travel and less time. He told her he would take them to San Diego later this year.... so Garrett gets an invitation to one of his missionary companion's wedding in April... in San Diego! Tiffany said she was going to sit on Thayne's lap and ask how much he loves her and then remind him of his promise to take them to San Diego this year! We laughed and told her she wouldn't dare, but she said she DID dare and she WOULD do it on Friday. So they came out to visit before we went to dinner and she went over and took the lap top away from Thayne and then sat on his lap and asked how much he loved her! Garrett and I were laughing so hard because we KNEW it would embarrass Thayne and knew his ears would turn red from embarrassment! Sure enough... he was and they did!!! It just so happens that Thayne should get his bonus in March so it looks like we are going to San Diego in April!!! And it was so worth seeing her sit on his lap and embarrass him so bad!!!

More wedding pictures....

Just because I can... :) (and does it look like they even noticed that it was only 19 degrees outside while these were being taken?) (more to come.... just getting started... did I say today how happy I am about this marriage???!!!)

I thought I was okay...

I really thought I was doing okay moving beyond the miscarriage. I thought I was doing good... I thought it didn't hurt as bad anymore and that I was doing fine. I found out tonight that I am not.

The most horrible 50 minutes of my life...

Today I had a horrible 50 minutes of terror! The school lost my daughter! My 14 year old daughter! You would think they could keep track of a child that old, but no...it would seem that they really haven't known where she is all year, but that's another story!

Kassi texted me this morning saying that they were watching the inauguration all day and wouldn't that be a good excuse to come home??? I ignored her the first 2 times that text came through. The 3rd time I caved... after all, I wouldn't want to be forced to watch it, so why should she??? So I told her I was going to call the school and then send Kailee to get her and she was thrilled, and with the promise to fold the laundry when she got home since I am still fighting a horrible migraine and a bad sinus infection now! So I called the school to tell them she would be picked up. Kailee called and asked me to text her and tell her to get to the office.... NOTHING! Waited, texted again... then Kailee calls and asks where she is. I am getting a little concerned since she had been texting me. Then the school calls. It would seem they misplaced my daughter! Fear started racing through the heart of everyone involved and a search began. Kids were sent to the parking lot, to the bathroom, the hallways... still no Kassi. I called her phone. Nothing! I text Tallin and he leaves his classroom in search of his sister. I talk to them again at the school.... NOTHING! They have kids searching every car in the parking lot, bathrooms are searched. I called Thayne and he reassures me that they will find her. I called Jace and he yells that I should call the police! I didn't know it then but he took off to get out here and find her. He said he was so scared he doesn't even remember getting in the truck and leaving to get out here! 50 minutes later they tell the principal they are calling on the intercom over the school for her... and there she was, in her class, waiting for us to come and get her. The problem you may ask? They don't have any record of her being in the class... the computers lost her, have her in a different class, have all year!!! Oops! But for 50 minutes I waited, wondered and had imagined the most horrible of things that could have happened to her! Even the secretary was terrified. She told the kids she didn't want to let on to me how scared she was because she knew I was REALLY scared! I was so relieved when I knew she was okay! Now I hope they finally fix their computers!!!

The Reception....

The reception was great! We had a lot of fun and had a lot of friends and family show up to support the bride and groom! We are so grateful for friends that have become more like family in our lives and are always there to support us and help us in any way! You all make our lives more wonderful because you are part of our family!

The bride and groom were glowing and we had a great time visiting and celebrating the love that they share! Have I mentioned how blessed I feel to have such an amazing woman join our family? How could I not love a woman that loves my son so completely? I truly look forward to watching them create a family of their own. I have pondered the type of mother in law I want to be... I definately know how I do not want to be, but I think that we have raised our children to become adults. We have taught them our values and our beliefs and our hopes and then allow them to live their lives making their own decisions and choices. I believe that they know that we will be here for them, rejoice with them, cry with them, lift them and support them... but allow them always to live by the choices they make. The moment they married, they have created a family all their own. It is no longer my right to do anything but love them and support them as they go through the challenges and joys that come from being a family! But I do know that I will always be their friend. That is where we are now... we will enjoy them and watch them fly!!!

Tiffany told Thayne a while ago that they were going to dance. If you know Thayne, you know that he can handle a room full of important business people, run a mine, handle the madness of his job and a house full of kids... but dancing... yeah, THAT little word through him into a tail spin the likes of which I hope to never see again!!! :) hahahahahahaha! He worried, to the point of being sick! He hates to stretch beyond his personal comfort zone... which is my personal mission in life... to stretch that poor man! And it would seem that it is now Tiffany's job too! :) It was the most rewarding experience when I got to dance with my son, a man now, and an amazing one at that! And it was so sweet to see Thayne dancing with his new daughter! It was a fun night all around! And I want to thank everyone who made it so wonderful!

(these are pictures from my camera that happened to be giving me problems... the kids changed the settings and we couldn't get it to work right! Hopefully tomorrow we will have th CD of pictures Caitlyn took!)

My girls....

These two have been best buds, brothers, partners in crime... you name it they have manage to get into it or out of it!

Tiffany and her nieces....

Boys will be boys... scheming the attack of the car!!!


Garrett sending his brother to get him an energy drink.... :)

My boys!

The cake.....





The fun.....
Tanya and Kalli