One year ago today....

Wow what a year it's been. I was just thinking as I was making cupcakes for Bummy's kindergarten class to celebrate his birthday that it was a year ago today that we almost lost Nate and rushed into the hospital....

It had been a snow day so the kids didn't have school. Katie called me and said that her kids were driving her crazy and could she come over to let them sled with my kids. I had so many emotions going on that day. I knew there was something really wrong. I was exhausted and worried and trying my best to ignore it all. Katie, Kimi and I went to lunch and I kept holding my little Nate wondering why he looked so gray and so sick. I couldn't get him to eat and I was so scared. I had a call in with the nurse and had an appointment scheduled because I told her that I didn't believe that there was nothing wrong! She told me if it got worse before tomorrow to take him to the hospital. He would start doing okay, and then not knowing that feeding him was literally killing him, he would eat a bit and start all over.

After dinner the whole family was in our room sprawled out on the floor or bed watching Deal or No Deal (have I mentioned that I have never again been able to watch an episode of that show again?) and I was ready to call it a night even though it was only 7pm. I was trying to nurse Nate and he acted like he wasn't breathing... I tickled him a bit and told him to stop doing this to me. He kept getting worse until I was really scared and told Thayne I needed him. I have NEVER seen Thayne lose control like he did that night. Our little man scared us so bad! I always stay in control when Thayne is gone, but when Thayne is home I will lose it if there is blood or something. I told Thayne this was no time to flip out, that I needed him and couldn't do this if he wasn't in control too. Thayne gave him mouth to mouth, was breathing for him while Jace started giving him a Priesthood Blessing. Thayne finished the second part of the blessing and we ran out the door to go to the hospital. By then Nate was breathing on his own and had pinked up again. I had called my sister on the way and she met us there and then Buffy and Tracy showed up and Katie came in with some things that we needed. When we raced in and told the receptionist that the baby had stopped breathing they took us right back. The nurse in the ER started asking questions and then checked his oxygen level. It was 98% again and she said, "So, your first baby huh?" Yes, she said it in a way that made it perfectly clear she thought I was a new mom freaking out about nothing. I told her he was my 15th... she said, "NO, REALLY... your FIRST right?" I said, "MY 15th!" My sister then told her that her reaction was pretty normal but that this WAS my 15th baby and if I say there was something wrong she better darn well find out what it was!!! Imagine her surprise when minutes later Nate stopped breathing again, his heart stopped and Thayne went running down the hall giving him mouth to mouth and trying to get help. I can't even express my disgust at the doctor that stood doing nothing as Thayne took care of him. They hurt him so bad that night and finally Thayne lost it and told them ENOUGH... to not touch him again until the life flight team got there! That was one of the darkest nights of my life. Even now thinking about it makes me cry. Looking back, it seemed that many people didn't believe he would even make it. I remember the ambulance ride to the airport, the absolute fear in my heart over my baby boy. Wondering how we were going to deal with losing him, how were the other kids, and the fact that it was Hyrum's birthday on the 10th and that I wouldn't be there to celebrate with my mama's boy! I think of all of the people that helped, all of the prayers that went up in our behalf and the miracles that we have seen since that dreadful day. That night was so dark.... that was one of those moments when I had to step back and ask myself if I really believed what I had always said I believed. I found that I DID believe, and I knew that no matter what, I would be comforted as I walked through that trial... but that I had to walk through it to make me more than I was before. We have seen so many changes in the past year. Our family has grown in ways that I can't possibly begin to express, but I know that had we not gone through it, we would have missed out on the growth that came by allowing our will to bend to the will of our Heavenly Father's and learn that though we can't always have our way, we will find peace as we go through the hard times!