Random thoughts...

It's amazing the thoughts that you think when you can't sleep at night.... some of them make absolutely no sense and other things seem to be perfectly clear.

Recently a sheriff's deputy was shot as he responded to a domestic disturbance call... he was shot several times, his vest likely saving his life. We know him from around town. We have had several opportunities to talk to him and really like him. I wondered what in the world a person must be thinking to get to the point where they would shot round after round at a police officer... or anyone for that matter. Thayne was at the Priesthood session of stake conference and I man that we respect a lot, who knows the man that did the shooting said that he is a good man, he just let alcohol and his temper get the best of him. The man that shared this is a man that we truly respect and admire and I know that if he says that this man was a good man, that it is true. The fact that he let alcohol and his temper control his life is what hit me! How many people give away their 'control' through alcohol and having no self control. I have heard people say, "I have a temper." as if it is something that they have no control over. I have heard people say that they have the right to drink, or smoke, or take drugs as if it had no effect on anyone but them. How many lives have been hurt, or even ruined by somebody thinking they are in control, when they simply are not! Lives were changed in the blink of an eye because a man let alcohol and his temper control the decisions he made... some lives will never be the same! His life will never be the same, but what about that officer who was doing his job and now will have to pay for another person's choice for the rest of his life? What about his children? Why do we forget to think of the consequences of our actions? It is something that I always, always try to tell my kids... think first, because sometimes you cannot undo the choices you make! We have seen it in many ways... sometimes in a good way, and sometimes in a bad way. I think that is something we will talk about for Family Home Evening... the fact that you can be a good man, or woman, but allowed something to control your life. I thought about what I allow to control my life. Is it good, or do I need to re-evaluate my decisions and see where I fall short?

And speaking of evaluating life... we had our stake conference and this time it was a broadcast from Salt Lake. I love stake conference. It happens 2 times a year and I look forward especially to the Saturday night session for adults, and of course dinner with Thayne, Buffy and Tracy. I was thinking about how grateful I am for their friendship. We laugh and tease that nobody else will have us... but it is so wonderful to have friends that are just there. If we don't see each other for a while, it doesn't matter, it's just what it is, they are there. They are the kind of people who drive over to Salt Lake when Nate was in the hospital on a Sunday night knowing that we had nothing there, no car, nothing except the clothes on our back when we were flown there, and took us to dinner, made us get out of the hospital and then put cash in our hand as they left to drive 3 hours home. To have a friend who does not judge... they don't judge how we parent, how we think, how we act, or react. They make us laugh, even sometimes when we want to cry. I am just grateful to be able to look forward to going out with them, and laughing, and knowing that they are there, true friends. Thayne and I were talking about this Saturday night. He said he feels a strong desire to be kind, and even forgiving to others. And I feel that so strongly. I struggle though... not with being kind or even forgiving. I just sometimes struggle to find a balance. I was betrayed by someone I considered a true friend, someone that I opened my home and heart to... and then to find out that I was being judged in a way that was not only inappropriate, but it wasn't even an accurate judgment! And I wonder, do I want that back in my life? I wonder about judgments...do some people judge so harshly because they are worried themselves about being judged? Sometimes I wonder about that... those that seem to judge others more often worry the most about being judged. The older I get, the less I seem to need to make everyone happy. And yet I care, sometimes too much about others. Or can you care too much? Maybe it's just that I don't have the energy to give so much to people now? I don't know. But I don't want to become... well, not bitter, I don't want to get to a point where I stop caring. It's all about balance. I just haven't found it yet. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf spoke in the broadcast. He asked us to evaluate where we are in our personal journey back to Heavenly Father. And then figure out what we need to do to put our lives where we need to be. I am taking that seriously. I want to find the things that I need to fix, change my attitude in some things, work a little harder in other things... but also recognize the good things that I am doing and not take away the things that I am doing right! He said that nothing can divide a family that will serve our Heavenly Father. I have seen that also. I love to see our family in a place where we are all moving in the same direction and making positive choices. We believe that families are forever. And I love to watch my kids working together to be that forever family! I love watching the kids work together to accomplish things. I love how they love each other. I love how they accept each other. There are moments when they don't get along, but that is a natural state of being human... we aren't always perfectly happy... but they take care of each other. They rejoice in each other's accomplishments and lift each other up when their world comes crashing in. I love watching them scoop up their nephew or little brothers, or little sisters and do whatever they need to do to take care of them. I love the joy they find in each other and how they pray for their siblings. Nothing can divide a family who will serve our Heavenly Father... we are taught that when we serve our fellow man, we are serving the Lord. I see them doing that.

I was thinking of how I see Tallin's old shoes that Willie sometimes wears now sitting on the porch and I come in the house expecting to see him. And I miss him sometimes so much that it hurts. But I am so happy that he is in Fiji, serving others, and serving the Lord.

I also thought about how grateful I am to be married to a man who takes time to pray. Thayne's schedule was changed and he was working rotating shifts. It was frustrating knowing he felt like he couldn't do his job as well as he wanted on this new schedule and quite honestly I hated the fact that he was now working a couple of weekends a month, which meant missing church or going to work on a Saturday morning and missing the time with our family. It looked like they were going to keep it that way. He was meeting with his boss and the other general foreman to decide what they would do. He told me that he was a little upset headed to the meeting and that he stopped and prayed for peace and for the choices that needed to be made. And that he felt the peace and was able to share his feelings in the way they needed to be expressed... and now is back on his regular Monday through Thursday schedule that works best for him, and for our family. I love that he is a man that prays for and about his family and that he puts the Lord first and loves us so completely and so selflessly!

And I think often of this miracle growing inside me. I am still so amazed at the gift we have been given. I love feeling the flutterings of this new life, and I feel so much joy... and gratitude that after so much loss we were given the opportunity to welcome another son into our family. Thayne and I were talking about it driving home Saturday night. He said that it is amazing how you can feel this little person's spirit, almost like his personality fills our hearts long before his birth. I have felt that so many times before with our children, but each time amazes me more! I feel so grateful for this blessing.

I really need more sleep at night so I don't feel like I am dragging through the day... but I am not sure how to shut my mind off at night... the random thoughts seem to dance through my mind every night. But I guess there will be plenty of time for sleeping when I am dead???!!!