Dear Noah

Dear Noah,

I am trying to hold on to ever second of time right now. I take mental snapshots of every yawn, every stretch, every smile... wanting to remember everything about having a newborn. I find myself sitting much more than normal, holding you and thanking my Heavenly Father for giving me such an incredible blessing. I remember with the older kids being so busy, feeling so busy, and unable to sit down for long periods of time. I suppose it is just because I have seen how quickly days turn into years that I have realized that nothing is quite so important as soaking up every moment we can, because we will blink, and time will have moved forward at such an incredible speed. No fair! I want it to slow down.

It seems like every child has taught me something... or many somethings. You are no exception. I feel so blessed to have you. I am grateful for all that you have given me, for all you have taught me.

You strengthened my belief that Heavenly Father is ALWAYS aware of our needs, and our desires, and our hopes and that He hears an answers prayers, and that He ALWAYS keeps His promises. Sometimes that answers to our prayers are immediate, other times they come after years of struggle, of heartache and of pain. Sometimes the answers aren't exactly what we wanted them to be. But they are always what we need them to be. Life isn't supposed to be easy. The struggles are what brings us closer to the Lord. We are here to learn, to grow and to stretch beyond what we would do ourselves. I truly believe that our lives are special made for us as individuals to become greater than what we think we are. So many people curse God when things go wrong, instead of leaning on Him with the belief and faith that He wants us to become like Him. I held onto the promise that I would carry another child to term, but that it would not come easy and there would be pain along the way. The losses I had before you only made me appreciate you so much more than I could ever put into words. I mourned each time, but I had absolute hope that I would see the promise fulfilled. Sometimes I look at you and my heart feels like it cannot contain the joy inside!

You taught me that we never run out of miracles. After seeing so many miracles in the past, I wondered if I had my quota of miracles already... I wondered if I had pushed the limits and that I had finally ran out of miracles. It was scary knowing that I had to have you so early. I wanted to do what was best for you, but also knew that after 10 other c-sections, we had to go forward with getting you out before something really bad happened. I argued with my doctor about the days. I finally won! But it literally was at the very last second and for a moment I wondered if I had pushed too hard, and would the consequences be more than I wanted to live with. It came down to the fact that minutes mattered, as in life or death... and as your dad put his hands on my head to give me a Priesthood blessing, I was praying that I had not used up my limit in miracles. I cannot describe the peace I felt wash over me. When your dad opened his eyes and looked into mine, he told me to relax, I would be fine. And I believed him. I knew! I learned that we need to have faith, and believe that we will be able to get through whatever we are asked to walk through.

You healed my heart. You have brought joy beyond description to our home. You brought heaven with you when you came. Your spirit is so calm, so peaceful and so content to be here. I guess you waited a long time to get here, so you are in no hurry to do anything but enjoy each moment. I love to watch your siblings with you. You are loved. Adored. Don't ever doubt that. I love how they all call 'dibs' on you, and they can tell me who held you last, who has held you the most and where they are in the line of when to hold you next. There is nothing like it in the world. I feel so blessed to be the mother of this family.

Thank you sweet Noah for your sweet spirit... for teaching me things that I never knew I needed to know. Thank you for coming to our home, to bless our lives with your sweet personality. I am grateful for you.

I love you so much,

Mom

Kailee's Bucket List

Kailee has dreamed of skydiving for a very long time. And to her credit, she waited until she was 18, AND after I had Noah (because she knew that while I am pregnant I have the worst panic attacks!) but days after getting home she told me that she wanted to do it FINALLY... AND she wanted me to be there waiting for her at the bottom!!! I teased her that she is a little too young for a bucket list! But she insisted and what mom can say no to a girl so anxious and excited about jumping out of an airplane??? Not me! I am a sucker for saying yes to their dreams! :) And she does come by it honestly since her grandpa thought jumping out of an airplane seemed like a perfectly good thing to do... 101st Airborne, screaming eagles... and we were even more excited that grandpa wanted to be there to watch this crazy girl jump!!!

I teased her that I couldn't believe she was going to do this to me... everyone seemed to be worried that I was going to freak out or something. But in truth I was very excited for her and couldn't wait to see her live out one of her big dreams! This girl has no fear. She was so excited that there wasn't even a second of hesitation or nervousness. She was on fire, grinning from ear to ear before we even got to the airport and looked like she was walking on air before she even got into the airplane! Even better was that she got the BEST instructor. He was so happy to see how excited she was and I knew he was going to give her a jump to remember!

After running behind schedule, they were finally ready to get on the plane. Kailee was so excited. Full of nervous energy ready to get the show on the road. The instructors had been fighting over who got the 'pretty' girl. They kept teasing her, and saying, "You know you could die." But she didn't care. She has big brothers, so she gave it back to them as well. They kept asking if she was nervous, but she wasn't! In fact when it came time to jump she was looking down instead of holding her head back and her instructor had to push her head back!!! He told her she was the best first time jumper he had ever had. Her theory was that she was going to be falling through the air anyway, might as well relax and enjoy it!!!

My dad and I were out on the runway watching to see if we could figure out which one was Kailee. We knew she would be jumping first... but we couldn't tell which one was her. There were already people landing when my dad pointed out one of the jumpers doing flips in the air... it looked like a ferris wheel going around and around! I laughed and said that if anyone would be doing that... it had to be Kailee!!! Sure enough... It was Kailee!!! Avery (her instructor) had asked her if she wanted to do a 360... of course she said yes! Then he asked her if she wanted to do a 780... she asked what that was and he laughed and started spinning! He said that nobody spins anymore and was thrilled that Kailee was all for the adventure!!! But the wind picked up... and by the time they were ready to land, the big smiley face was out of the question and they landed on the landing strip... with a plane ready to land! She told him to get her off FAST! It was so funny to watch. They landed, and then she fell backwards onto him... he pushed her up and onto her feet and she ran off, a little afraid that she lived through the fall only to be crushed by the airplane! :)

Her first words to me were, "THAT WAS THE FUNNEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE!!!" Avery told her to ask for him next time she comes back, that she was the best student he had ever had!!! It seems she and grandpa are planning a jump as soon as they can. It's been a while, but her grandpa still dreams of jumping from an airplane. This will be something to see!!!

August 3rd, Noah's due date!

It seems impossible to think that we have had this sweet little boy for almost a month already, and it is barely his due date... He is such a blessing to our family. He has the sweetest, most laid back spirit and he is truly a joy to our family. It is amazing to watch the other kids with him. A woman who works at the bank the kids go to has stopped me in the grocery store more than once to tell me she is just amazed at how the kids love this baby, and how she has never seen teen boys so excited about having a new sibling. She said that Willie and Wyatt have told her all about Noah and how much they love him. It is true... I will find them with Noah cuddled on their chest, or they are talking to him telling him how much they love him. We feel so grateful, so blessed to have him in our family.

Our sweet Noah Grant... he is named after Thayne's great uncle, who sealed us in the Manti Temple. He had told us that there were many, many, many spirits waiting to come to our family and that we shouldn't put it off for any reason. Through the years we would see him when we went to our hometown to visit. One time he counted the kids and with a smile told us we were getting there. The last time we saw him alive, he was with his sister who had 16 kids, and he told us we shouldn't stop until we had 16. So, it seems only right to name our sweet 16th after the man who saw a vision of our family, even before we fully saw it ourselves.

I have found that the more kids we had, the more I found myself sitting back and appreciating the little things. I find that I care less about getting everything done, and more about sitting back and taking in every second of the moment that I can. It was hard with Nate because every moment was just keeping him alive... but this time it is about savoring every second of this precious time. It's about soaking up every baby breath, breathing in the smell of him... memorizing every stretch, every yawn, every little smile. I want to take advantage of every second of his newborn stage. My heart aches thinking that I could never have this again. There will be more newborns... but even grandbabies are not the same as your own child snuggled to you in the middle of the night when there is nobody in the world but you and this tiny human being who depends on you for his every need. My heart is so full that at moments I feel like it will explode. I prayed for him... I trusted that loss after loss I would eventually have the joy of carrying another baby and I promised myself that I would cherish everything about it. I loved being pregnant with him. The end came far to quickly and I find that I miss it so much... but I have put aside things that really don't matter, and find joy in holding him hour after hour! I am so grateful. I feel so blessed. I love this little boy and am so thankful that I get to be his mom!

Uncle Noah

One of the best parts of bringing little Noah home was seeing how Gabe reacted to him. And his reaction was perfect!!! The first time he got to hold him he looked so serious, like he wanted to do it just right and was so sweet with him. Now he loves to come in and wash his hands and hold his uncle!!! How perfect is that? To have pictures of him holding his little 'uncle'... I vision the trouble these boys are going to get into in the future! I loved having an uncle so close to me in age! Gabe was holding him a couple of days ago and patted his face so softly and gave him kisses. Tiffany says that he now insists on seeing pictures of Noah that she has on her phone. I love these little boys. I love how protective Nate is of both Noah and Gabe. I can't wait to see what the future holds with these kids. Noah will be an uncle to 3 by the time he is 6 months old!!!