Love between siblings...

From the beginning, I have always been amazed at the love my kids have for each other. The first time Garrett climbed up on the couch to talk to and hold Jace just left me amazed. And then when Garrett thought he could nurse Kimi to quiet her when she was crying. I just love watching kids together. Big kids with babies are especially sweet. One night when we first brought Nathaniel home Tanner had come in from a movie. He was the only one up and I still hadn't gotten ready for bed so he asked if he could hold Nate. I came out of my room and saw him just staring at his sweet little brother and rubbing the ear that looks just like Tanner's ear. I was amazed when I saw Garrett holding Kami when she was a newborn with a tear in his eye, or the day he left on his mission while she was playing with his hand and smiling up at him, he was crying at the thought of being away from her for 2 years. I love to watch the girls as they giggle and conspire and hang out together. I love to watch the boys out building a fort or playing 'walkie talkie' or them sledding together coming to a stop at the bottom of the hill in a heap of legs, arms and laughing! Or how Hayden always called Kami, "My precious". I was especially touched when Jace came over to the hospital to bring our car after we were taken by life flight to Salt Lake. He would stand over the bed for hours watching Nate. Anytime the monitors went off he jumped up and would tell Nate to get better and come home. He texted me one day and said to send him a picture of Nate. Amazing how modern technology makes it possible to send a picture through a phone in an instant. He told me that Nate wanted to come home to him. I told him he needed to pray harder to get him home and he said he couldn't, that there was only 24 hours in a day for him to pray. The first place he goes in the morning is to Nate, and the last place he goes at night is to say good night to him. I am amazed at how every single one of the kids are obsessed with watching over Nate. The school teachers say they get daily updates on him. Yesterday Kailee was at a doctor's office and the nurse asked her if she wanted kids since she came from a large family. Kailee said she was going to have 15 but now will have 16 because she was going to have one more than me! :) This is the child that can single handedly run the house while I am gone. My mom always tells me I have given my children the greatest gift, and the greatest challenge in their siblings. A gift because it is apparent how they adore each other... the challenge, because they are truly so connected that it is hard for them to want to leave!!!! I love how they cherish one another and hope that they always stay that close!

The reason why I am MAD!

There are some things about having a large family that are frustrating! And my kids wonder why I am mad today. Really, I am doing well at keeping control of my frustration but it must have been showing when Tanner walked in and said, "Are you alright mom?" What do I say? Sarcastically I could have said, "Oh yes son, I am just wonderful... I love washing clothes that were never even worn and then dumped onto the laundry room floor because it was easier than doing it right the first time!" But I just glared at him and told him I was tired. That was the truth... I AM tired and it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I only slept for about an hour and a half last night. Today I am tired of LAUNDRY! Now, I have to admit that I have not been at the top of my game lately. December was crazy because of Christmas and being very pregnant. January started out okay but I wasn't back into the swing of things before Nathaniel had his problems and quite honestly, my life seems to revolve around him, pumping and keeping up with kids and not much else. So I have not been in control of the laundry like I should be. But could somebody please explain to me why my laundry room always has to look like the shock and awe bombs exploded in it??? Why do we live like piggies even though we are as human as the family next door? What makes a child decide they want to walk in, open a drawer, dig through to find what they want and then dump everything else on the floor? Oh, and let's not forget that we will then throw a wet towel on it or something! Forget that... I get it, they are kids. But it is so frustrating to me that sometimes I want to scream.... nope, I take that back. Sometimes it makes me so mad that I DO scream!

So... here is what I did today between pumping, taking care of babies, trying to actually clean the house also, and even going to town to have lunch with Jace because he called and asked me to meet him since he got picked for jury duty again! :) Oh, and the socks, well, I just dumped them on the floor and am slowly working on matching the FOUR laundry baskets of unmatched socks. Yes... this is exactly what my mom warned me about!!! Laundry! Gotta love it! And sadly, this is not even a fraction of what ISN'T done downstairs! I can't wait to get my second set!

One set just isn't enough at our house.

Happy Birthday William Kade!

11 years ago today my sweet Willie Kade was born. He is amazing! He is one of the original 'bandit boys'.... in fact he IS the original bandit boy! It's hard to believe that the kind hearted, sweet young man he is now was the cause of most of my daily stress for years! We joked that anyone that would name their kids, Willie, Wyatt and Hayden deserved to be tormented they way they tormented me. The first time I knew I was really in trouble with him was not long after we brought Wyatt home from the hospital. I was in my room making my bed and talking to a friend in Montana. Willie had walked into my room and then into my bathroom that is open and connected to my bedroom. There wasn't much he could do to cause trouble in there and I could see him most of the time anyway. But then it got quiet. Any mom knows what it means when a child is 'too' quiet. I walked around the corner and there he stood with his hands at the bottom of a once brand new, now completely empty Vaseline jar. A LARGE jar! His head was covered. He had brand new Osh Kosh overalls on and a brand new cute, black and white flannel shirt on. I couldn't believe my eyes. I knew it was going to be a MESS to clean up. I told my friend and she laughed and said I had to get a picture. Of course since I take millions of pictures I was already thinking that and I told Willie, "Don't move... I am going to get the camera to take a picture of your LAST DAY on earth!" He just smiled and didn't move a muscle. I came back in with the camera and that little stinker looked up, smiled at me and said, "Cheeeeeeeeeessssssseeeeeeeeeee!" Really, you can't even be mad when a one year old is that adorable! It took some scrubbing, but we finally cleaned him off! And, in case anyone ever needs to know how to get Vaseline out of new Osh Kosh overalls and a cute little flannel shirt.... spray it with a stain remover and then dump baking soda on it. Let it sit, rub it in and then wash in hot water. :) That was just the beginning of my madness with him. There were days that all I did was clean up messes he made. I remember one long horrible day in particular he had dumped a gallon of milk and red kool aid and a 5 lb bag of sugar on my kitchen floor. I had just cleaned that up when he smeared himself in shortening and dumped the flour bucket over him. I was so angry I put him in my shower to play while I cleaned up that mess. After he was clean, I stood him on a chair, walked literally 20 steps, around a corner to get a diaper for him and came back to find him with his hands at the bottom of a large peanut butter jar, with peanut butter from head to toe. I LOST IT! I picked him up, stuck him back in the shower, cleaned him off, put the diaper I still had in my hand on him and hauled him to his crib, told him I couldn't take any more that day and it would be better if he just STAYED in the crib. There was peace in my house for a couple of hours and I managed to get some things done that day. But I won't tell you what I found in his room after I went to get him out from his nap... let's just say he was diaperless again!!! He managed to find every mud puddle available anywhere in our yard and come back into the house dripping mud from head to toe. He was my challenge! But he is oh so sweet. He has pretty much grown out of his bandit days. But he is still quite the joker. Now he is growing up. I am not ready for that either, but he is sure sweet. He takes care of me and always checks on me to see if I am okay. The night we almost lost Nathaniel he stood next to me, patting me on the back and making sure that I was okay also. I am amazed by him.

Willie was named after my uncle Willie. Willie was 17 months older than me and passed away December 29, 1986. I loved Willie. My mom said that my first words were about Willie. She said we had been at the park riding on the merry-go-round and when my dad got home that day I told him, "Daddy, daddy, me and Willie went round and round." Willie also had the biggest heart. He didn't always make the best choices but his heart was so good. I miss him even today and wonder what his life would have been like had he lived. I was pregnant with my first baby when he died. Willie was so excited about me having a baby and used to take me out for strawberry shortcake. I know Willie would have loved my Willie! I had this strong feeling that one day I would have a Willie of my own. But each time I was pregnant with a boy my mom would ask if this one was Willie and I always knew it wasn't.... and then my grandma got cancer. We knew it was getting close to the end. About 2 1/2 weeks before she died I was able to be with her, tell her I love her and tell her goodbye. I told her to tell Willie to hurry and send my Willie to me. She told me she would tell him. I found out the day that she died that I was pregnant. I KNEW it was my Willie the second I found out I was pregnant. And he has been a joy from the day he was born!!!

So, happy birthday my little bandit boy. I love you! I am enjoying watching him become a wonderful young man. He is amazing with wonderful qualities that will make him a wonderful man one day. I love watching him grow. He is the one that came home from school one day and asked me if I would be mad if he only had 6 kids one day. I teased him but told him that it was up to him how many kids he had one day. He got very serious and said, "Oh NO mom, I want LOTS of kids, but the girls these days! I don't know if I can find one that will have more than 6!" I laughed so hard. I told Thayne later I didn't know what was funnier.... that we had made this child believe that 6 kids was a small family... or what in the world was a 2nd grader doing, going around asking girls how many children they would be willing to have?!

It's just going to be one of those days!!!!!!!!!!

You know the type... the days when as a mom you are just going to lose what's left of your ever loving mind!!!! Yep, that's me. It's a snow day. 'Nuff said! We went years without ever having a snow day. Just this week we have had 2 days of 2 hour delay starts, and yesterday they got out 2 hours early, and today is a snow day! The second snow day of the year. It snowed. Is that a reason?? Sheesh. It's only 9:30 in the morning and there is screaming, running, pounding, and I think somebody got their fingers smashed. Obviously not enough that blood is present or medical intervention is necessary, but I heard about it all the same. They were up when the phone started ringing at 5:30am telling us it was called off. So really, half the day should be over now instead of just starting, and I am ready for bed. There are moments when I absolutely adore having every child under the same roof. More often than not that is the case. Very rarely do we have real fights in this house. But today... oh today, I am ready to blow. Today is not one of those fuzzy, warm, "I love being the mom of a mega sized family" kind of days! Today is one of those days when I wake up thinking, "Did I really think having 15 kids was a good idea????" :) Okay, I know I will get over it, but if Bummy doesn't stop crying, if Kinzee doesn't stop tattling, if they use all of my hot water before I get a shower, I am just going to check myself into the funny farm when I go to town. And I have to go to town because I have to return my brother in law's big truck. Thayne and I met my sister and bil, and brother and sil in town for dinner. And the snow started, and it fell, and fell, and fell. The problem with that is we live over the summit, a very HIGH summit, that we have to go over in order to get home. And it was blowing, and drifting, and snowing. And we couldn't get the car through it, so we turned around and took their truck home. But hey... I can say it is probably fair to assume that right now my kids have driven me to drink and I am headed to the store to get a Pepsi and some Excedrin!!! I'm pulling out the big stuff today. Caffeine! Yep, I've gone over the edge! :)

Tomorrow will be another day and I will count my many blessings and be grateful for each and every one of their amazing personalities. But today I am crazy!!! :)

They HATE it when I'm right!!!!!!!!!

I always wonder why kids think they have to learn everything the hard way. I guess when I was younger I told my parents I had to learn for myself, but in my heart I always tried to hear what they had to say because I never really wanted to learn anything the hard way! In fact I listened to them about most everything except when my mom didn't think I should marry Thayne. Oh, she was fine with him when she met him, but she had not met him when I called to tell her I was getting married. She lived in Canada and I lived in Utah and had only known him a matter of weeks when we decided to get married. Once she met him she was okay with it. But it was just scary for her thinking I was making such a big decision that she wasn't a part of.

But my children are just, well.... dumb sometimes! I mean, they are really actually very smart. But they are dumb. And it doesn't seem to hit them until their later teen years. We breeze through puberty, and even 16 doesn't seem to be all that difficult. But about 17, almost 18 they lose all common sense or something. At least for a while. And you would think that by now when mom has a 'gut feeling' they really should listen to it. A few years ago my oldest two boys wanted to go to Utah to Lagoon. I had let them go before. It wasn't a big deal. I trusted the boys they wanted to go with. But for some reason that day I felt like they shouldn't go. They were mad. They went on about how horrible I was to not let them go and was I trying to ruin their lives and all the normal stuff teenagers say at times like that. I looked them right in the faces and said, "I tell you yes as much as humanly possible! There is very little you don't get to go and do. If it isn't immoral or illegal I always tell you yes... so WHY are you fighting me when I tell you that I just have a bad feeling and don't want you to go?" Well... they had learned enough to know that mom's bad feelings usually are for a reason. So, they said sorry and went off to do something not so fun but equally entertaining I am sure! That day there were more than one fatal accidents on the road between here and Lagoon. Maybe it meant something, maybe it didn't. But I am glad we didn't find out.

Another time, right before Christmas, I was worried about those same two boys. They were working. Thayne and I had to go shopping. We were eating when we got a phone call. Garrett had been driving his truck. Jace was driving my car. Garrett slammed on his breaks to avoid deer. Jace didn't slam on his breaks fast enough to avoid Garrett's truck. After a frantic race from town out to a block before our house, we found out that the car was a total loss, but Jace wasn't injured. Bad feeling. Accident... hum!!!! 2 weeks later, the boys were going out with friends. I had told Garrett to NOT take his truck off the road. He wasn't that wonderful at driving though he thought he was amazing! :) I was even less enthusiastic about him driving in 4 wheel drive on a muddy off road outside of town. That day I had a horrible feeling about them going out. I asked them to PLEASE stay in town. Of course they argued with me. Jace said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, we hear it all the time." That acutally hurt my feelings. Since they DIDN'T hear it all the time. I know a mom should not get her feelings hurt but I just told them whatever, I wasn't going to fight. Well, Garrett used to think he knew everything. Jace warned him, I have to give them that... Jace told him that mom had a bad feeling. To which their friend Kevin said, "If MOM has a bad feeling you better turn around." Again, Garrett used to think he knew everything. So off they go, on the very road I said I had a bad feeling about. It wasn't too bad. He only ruined the door on the truck I told him not to buy anyway! To his credit, he was terrified to tell me! This is only one of the many.... like when they got caught with an egg, outside the principal's house, out 15 minutes past their curfew, when I told them IF they were late something would happen. Something did! :)

This same son went on his mission to Puerto Rico. Most son's send their mom a post card or something. Oh no, my son sent me Puerto Ricans. Yes, as in people! I told him next time he sent me avacodos to shake the Puerto Ricans loose first!!!! :) Well, they came and lived with us until they were able to get a place of their own. They borrowed our car to go to Salt Lake. All day I was sick about it but thought it was petty to say I had a bad feeling about them using the car and could they please just not go! I was not surprised however when they called and told me they had hit a deer. Not only did they wreck the car, but they killed Bambi too! I told them I had a bad feeling all day. They said I should have told them. But really... they would have reacted just like my sons did!

So tonight the winds are blowing, drifting snow, freezing temps, and I wanted to close the video store early. It wasn't likely that we would have enough business to justify paying to keep it open. (Um... I won't even go into the fact that I was RIGHT about that!) Tanner and Tallin were supposed to close. I had it worked out that the girl there would close, her mom would come and get my key (since she had lost hers!) and we wouldn't worry about it. Tanner and Tallin insisted that they needed to go help close. I told them I didn't think it was a good idea, that I didn't want them out on the roads. Another bad feeling... they should know better. Tanner of course was telling me how great he drives. I of course have driven with him and know better!!!! I tell them it's taken care of. They tell me they will go and if it is dead they would come home at 8pm. I tell them they don't need to. They insist and for some dumb reason dad gives them the okay. REALLY DUMB! Jace (who apparently has learned) says, "If you are fighting with mom you are going to learn that something bad will happen!!!" So, 8pm comes. They are not at the video store. Hmmmm.... Jace calls and says the roads are even worse and he will go looking for them. A little later Jace calls again and out the door Thayne goes. I finally call Thayne and he says they are almost home. So, some guy who thought he could drive simply because his truck says 4X4 on it cut them and others off the road and my two brilliant sons are sitting in a ditch. Unhurt, but in a ditch all the same!

Just a minute ago Tanner leaned down by me and said, "Sorry I didn't listen to you mom!" I would like to think he learned something. And he probably did. For right now. It won't last. It never does!

Mommy's boy....

We were in the hospital when my little mommy's boy turned 5. I missed his birthday and it made the whole situation so much sadder. Hyrum Craig turned 5 on January 10th. He has been my boy since the moment they put him in my arms. Actually before then, but from the moment I looked at his sweet face I knew he was supposed to be mine. From the beginning he made it clear that he was my boy. To this day he and Jace argue about who is the biggest mommy's boy. When Thayne asks Hyrum (or Bummy as everyone who loves him calls him) who he loves he says, "MOMMY... and you daddy, but MOMMY!" He tells people he is mommy's boy. I remember the day he was born. I was so stressed. The doctor was not real thrilled that I was having my 8th c-section. I didn't see any problem with it, but he was very put out that I was not willing to end my 'baby' days. He was mean and sloppy in his work and I was so stressed. Hyrum was very stuck inside me. He was stuck high in my ribs, sideways, and a big boy. 9 1/2 lbs and 22 1/2 inches. It took some work to get him out. Then they took him and Thayne out of the OR and I was left alone, scared out of my mind. My blood pressure went through the roof. By the time they got finished with me Thayne and Hyrum were up in my room. Thayne handed him to me and I fell completely in love with the little man in my arms. He's been my buddy ever since!

It's nice to be loved so completely. There are moments when a child can make you feel like you are nothing... especially teenagers. But he makes me feel like the greatest person in the world. I can do no wrong with Hyrum... and when I make him mashed potatoes and gravy you would think I gave him the greatest gift ever. I may not be able to make my teens happy all of the time, but I can ALWAYS make Bummy happy. Just a hug, or cuddle time and all is right with the world. He asks me if he will still be a mommy's boy when he is 55 and a million. I tell him he will ALWAYS be my boy. He promises me that he will ALWAYS be my boy. I will remind him of that when he is 17 and I tell him he can't take the car. But for now, he is 5, and I am still perfect in his eyes!

Things we take for granted....

I always try to have an 'attitude of gratitude'... but that doesn't mean that I always do! But tonight has me thinking how I take so much for granted. Like electricity. Yes, I know that it is great and wonderful modern technology and that it hasn't been all that long ago that people just didn't have it. But it has always been a part of my life and the only time I give it a second thought is when I get the bill, or express my displeasure when it goes off. We usually have a few power bumps in the winter. It's not so horrible now that we have our wood stove because the house stays warm and it usually only means that I will have 4 or 5 kids in my bed instead of the 1 or 2 that find their way there in the middle of the night. But tonight the power keeps bumping. The wind has been blowing all day and now it sounds like it is blowing in a storm. And the power keeps trying to go off. And tonight, the alarm on Nathaniel's oxygen tank starts bleeping and it hit me... this is no longer a luxery, this is a life sustaining necessity that I need for my son. Yes, we have a back up tank and it is right next to him, ready in case we need to change. The feeding machine has back up batteries and so does the oxygen monitor. But it hit me with such force tonight that I take things for granted that have always been in my life. Yet this one thing, electricty, is what keeps the machines going that sustain my son's life right now. And I am a little afraid. Yes, the batteries will keep going, and I can switch the oxygen, but I am still scared. What if something happens? The other night he was on the tank and he had some serious apnea episodes. It was the most frightening thing to hear my child's heart stop beating, if only for a second. That is a roller coaster ride that I never want to go on again. So tonight, I will pray that the power stays on, even though I am prepared with a back up plan. I will try to be more grateful for the world that we live in today. When I can flip a switch and have light. When I can hear the hum of the oxygen tank and know that it is giving breath to my baby. We have so much. I was thinking that had Nate been born several years ago he would not have the modern medicine that was able to save his life. I wonder how many mothers lost children to something so unexplainable as severe reflux and apnea? We have so much. We are so blessed. We have been given more than we could ever comprehend.

Thank you for allowing us to serve you....???? huh?

The first of the bills started coming in ALREADY for Nathaniel's life flight and hospital stay. We got the life flight bill yesterday and after I caught my breath over the cost of the flight, I couldn't help but laugh when I saw on the page a note that said, "Thank you for letting us serve you." For real? Were they serious? I laughed again just thinking about it. As if we had a choice. As if it was a joyful thing to let them serve us. I guess technically I could have told them I didn't WANT their service. But really, they were the only one's that could get Nate to where he needed to be to get the help he so desperately needed. So it wasn't like I was going to tell them never mind, I don't want your service. I just thought it was a funny thing to read on a billing statement for a life flight trip. I guess I could look at it from a romantic point of view... it was the first time Thayne and I have flown together! And we did have 2 babysitters to watch the baby as we took our first flight together. And we had our own private pilot. Even if he doesn't like the Dallas Cowboys! And we did have door to door service, even if it WAS in an ambulance instead of a limo. But it does seem sort of silly and ridiculous to say "thank you for allowing us to serve you" when you really don't have a choice and would really prefer to never have that type of service rendered! Maybe they say that to soften the blow when they give you a bill for $11463.35 for the ride of your life. Did I mention that it cost $6673.20 for the mileage??? Thayne doesn't get paid that kind of mileage for work! For 201 miles. WOW! And I thought gas was expensive here! :)

Seriously, the crew was great and they brought a lot of comfort to me while we were worried about our little man. But you have to admit it just seems odd to have them thank us for letting them serve us!

Will I ever sleep again?

I have to wonder if I will ever get a good night's sleep again? At least anytime in the near future. My poor husband has been known to sleep though a minor earthquake or a major world war but he can't sleep anymore! We are awake constantly watching the monitor. The first night we had Nathaniel home I was awake all night worried that he would run out of food, or that I would miss his oxygen dropping. I was just worried! Last night I was feeling better about everything, or so I thought. I did sleep in between being awake, if that makes sense! :) He had a good night. But poor Thayne did not sleep well at all. And he had to get up at 3:30am for work. Everytime I moved, he looked up to check Nate's oxygen level. Is there hope of ever getting a good nights rest again? Will we forever be worried that if we close our eyes he will stop breathing? Will he grow out of this? Will he need oxygen long term? Will his throat heal? Will we get him healed enough from the reflux that he can eat normally again? Just questions that seem to go through my mind every second of the night. But then we all know that nights are worse than daytime. Everything seems scary and we blow it all out of proportion. But sometimes I feel like I am mourning all of the things I am missing out on... like being able to cuddle and nurse him in the night. I'm sure it is normal to feel this way. Maybe it is just the lack of sleep. I feel so tired that I am not even tired anymore. One day I will sleep again I am sure. Hmmm.... I wonder when that will be!

Moments that change you forever...

I think that I will forever remember the way I felt 10 days ago. I was sitting in one of our favorite places to eat with my oldest daughter and a good friend. School was called off because of snow and my friend and I had watched the kids sled and play hard all day so we snuck away to grab a bite to eat. But all day I had a sick feeling. I was worried about my baby boy. 2 days before he had stopped breathing. Enough that I had to breathe into his nose/mouth 2 times before he gasped for air. And then he was fine. The next day he seemed fine also. But this particular day he seemed different. His color seemed different. And I had a feeling that something was terribly wrong. But I couldn't figure out what. It was just a feeling. But I remember sitting there thinking I should be happy, I should be enjoying myself. Instead I had a horrible feeling of dread.

Thayne got home from work that night and I told him I was very concerned. We had dinner and everyone was hanging out in our room watching tv. I was thinking it would be nice to get to bed early since I hadn't slept much over the last few days. I had been feeding Nate but he really didn't seem to want to eat. For a second he stopped breathing again. I tickled his feet and told him not to scare me and he started moving around and fussing a bit, and I tried again to feed him. This time he completely stopped breathing. I told Thayne to grab him. I never see Thayne scared, but that day, I saw him terrified. It's not good when he loses it too... The kids were scared and crying and I was ready to start crying also. Thayne finally gave him mouth to mouth while Jace annointed him for a Priesthood blessing, Thayne then finished the blessing and we grabbed a blanket and ran. We knew we could make it to the hospital faster than help could get to us. By the time we got to the ER, he looked fine again. They took us right back though and the nurse wanted his weight and temp. While I was undressing him she said, in that tone people get when they think they know more than you do, "So, your first baby huh?" I knew what she meant. She thought I was a first time mom who freaked out about something that was nothing. I was so upset that I didn't even care to comment but said, "15". She said, "Your FIRST, right?" I said, "No, my 15th!" My sister was standing there and said, "I know, people always freak out when they hear that." The nurse said, "No really... how many?" Ummm... FIFTEEN! She takes us to a room and tells us that a doctor would be there soon. I asked her if I could feed Nathaniel. She said sure and that if he did it again to stick my head out the door and tell her. I won't go into how I felt about that. He ate for about a minute and then stopped breathing again. Thayne grabbed him and went running out there door with my sister and me following right behind. Of course upon seeing him that way the nurse immediately took us seriously. She and Thayne worked to get him breathing again. The doctor walked in, and told us that he would call Salt Lake. (I know we will see a very large bill for his prompt and expert attention) And that was the extent of his care that night! From here on out they only managed to torture my tiny son. They could not get the iv in on the first, second or even third try. When they finally got that in, they wanted to get blood. They poked, and poked until finally Thayne picked him up and told them no more! And we waited for the life flight team to fly from Salt Lake to pick us up. I am so grateful for friends that waited with us. They just kept telling me it would be alright. I didn't know how it would ever be alright again. Thoughts go through your mind wondering if he would even make the trip to Salt Lake. I wondered how I would tell the other kids. We had left them scared and wondering what was going on. I thought the worst for a while. We finally got to the hospital about 1:30am. And spent 3 1/2 more hours in the ER waiting. Doctors would come in, ask the same questions, look at him, ask more questions and then leave. Finally at 5am we got to a room. Thayne was able to sleep on the fold out chair. I held onto Nate for dear life. I couldn't sleep because I didn't know if he would breathe his last breath while I was asleep. I was terrified of what they would find out. They asked us about his heart murmur. We had never heard anything about a murmur. Was that the problem? Nobody knew.

Tests were scheduled throughout the day. First an ultrasound on his heart. Then an upper GI, then a swallow test. They also told us there would be brain scans and spinal taps and every blood test known to mankind. So I waited and worried and prayed for the best. They came in after the upper GI and swallow study to tell us that they found out he had significant reflux. I felt like jumping up and down with relief. That sounded simple enough. I asked them what they would do so I could feed him. They told me I didn't understand, feeding him would kill him. In my mind I thought that not feeding him wouldn't do much for his health either, but what did I know? And then they explained that there was a lot of inflamation and damage in his throat and they would be putting an NJ tube through his nose, bypassing his stomach and going into his lower intestine. I did not like the thought at all, but it would keep him alive and that meant everything to me. But while they were trying to get the reflux under control, he constantly stopped breathing. Apparently we never do anything half way, whether it is the size of our family, or how bad the reflux is! He doesn't just reflux. He aspirates on anything that went down his throat. And he did it silently. Instead of coughing or choking, he just stopped breathing. Did I mention that several times we went to buy him a bed, and everytime we were going to get it something happened? One time we actually had the bed, but for some reason though it was payday, and though the money had been in our account that morning, we went to check out and there was no money in the bank! He was never put down at night. He slept on my chest because I always had a sick feeling about putting him in a bed alone. The doctor told us that had we ever let him sleep alone he would have stopped breathing and we would have lost him. Add that to my list of miracles surrounding his birth!

The next several days were a nightmare. We watched the monitors day and night. Many times his oxygen dropped and we had to remind him to breathe by shaking him softly, tickling his feet and giving him oxygen. In the middle of all of this, they had to suction the mucus/saliva from his nose and mouth. The doctors rushed in and decided he had RSV because it was the season for it. 3 tests later still didn't convince them. They were determined to say he had some viral infection and that was why he needed oxygen. The nurses and I all felt it was from the mucus because he couldn't swallow his own saliva. They wanted us to stay, and stay, and wait and see. I was torn, knowing he needed me here, and knowing that the kids needed me home. But I have to say that the kids were amazing. They took on running the house, taking care of each other and did an amazing job. I have to say that I have the most amazing children ever!!!

Today they finally sent us home. It was so nice to walk into my home and hug and kiss my kids. We came home with the feeding tube in and oxygen. But we are home! I wonder, like I have so often in the past several days, what the new 'normal' will be for our family. Tonight they delivered oxygen tanks and I learned how to mix up my breastmilk and put it in a bag that would feed my baby 24 hours a day. And I now have to plan how we will go anywhere, how much time I have between his medications, how much time between running out of food and having to pump around the clock to make sure he has plenty of milk. This is now my new normal. Teaching the kids that this tube needs to be watched so it isn't pulled out. Wondering how long it will take for Nate's throat to heal. Will he need surgery? What happens when he starts getting bigger, and curious about the tube in his nose? I think, and worry, and wonder. But mostly I am just grateful that he is alive. I am grateful that I get to be his mom, and I am grateful to learn something else.... to see other parents struggling with their little ones, and knowing that some aren't as 'lucky' as we were. As if luck had anything to do with it. I believe there is a plan for all of our lives. What is scary are the moments when you realize that no matter what you want or hope for, you really aren't in control and what will be will be. I am grateful for the peace that came everytime I didn't think I could go forward one more minute. I am grateful that my faith in family and friends was strengthened, knowing that there were so many there to help us through at our lowest times. I saw the wonder, the love, the gratitude in the eyes of my children as they saw their baby brother again. There is a love, a bond between siblings that will always amaze me. These kids would move heaven and earth for each other. It takes the hard times to make us appreciate the good. I am not sure that I would ever want to relive the past 10 days in anyway. But these are the moments that change us, and hopefully make us more grateful for all that we have. Hopefully it teaches us to have greater compassion and empathy for others when they struggle and be more willing to help each other along the way. I am amazed at those that were there for us. I met two nurses that haven't been able to have their own children, but who scooped up my baby and loved him, cuddled him, told him how handsome he is and made a difference in the lives of everyone they came in contract with. There is joy when you give of yourself. The one nurse told me that while she wanted children desperately, and was doing all she could to have her own, she could never begrudge others who had them so easily, because she knows how real the desire is. She took her challenge and became strong because of it. She said she never would have become a nurse if it weren't for her infertility and told me how she found joy and fulfillment in doing this. She made a difference. We can all take our hard times and find a way to turn it around and make a difference. There are moments that change you, and hopefully make you stronger. I don't know that I am stronger yet, but I do know that I will try harder to be more positive and find gratitude when things are going well.

There are moments that change us... I hope that I learn whatever it is I am supposed to learn and quickly move through this, but I hope I always remember what I learned!