Kailee Anne... sweet 16!

Has it really been 16 years since this sweet girl joined our family? What an amazing gift she has been to us. I had a miscarriage shortly after Tallin was born and we started to wonder if I would ever get pregnant again. We were thrilled when we knew she was finally on her way. The pregnancy was full of ups and downs and for a while there we thought we were losing her. For years Kimi had prayed every night that Heavenly Father would send her a baby sister and she was with us when we found out that He had indeed granted her the prayer of her heart... a baby sister was on her way!

She was due on Thanksgiving, but Thanksgiving came and went and nothing! We went to the doctor 5 days later thinking that they would induce me and that we would finally get to hold the little girl we had been dreaming of for so long. After an exam and an ultrasound the doctor told us that she seemed to be stuck, kind of sideways, but not quite and that he couldn't get her to move, so would we like to go forward with a c-section that night or the next morning. Let's see.... have her almost immediately, or WAIT another day. Yep, that was an easy one so we headed over to the hospital and got prepped for my first of many c-sections. She was indeed STUCK! They got her body out, but had a hard time manipulating her head out. It was kind of comical... in a weird sort of way. The second she was out I commented on her ears and her nose... she was definately her dad's daughter. My grandma was there with my mom waiting. My dad's mom. She would never fly so as we moved around the country we could never get her to come and visit us. Finally my dad called her and asked her who she loved most in the world. She told him of course he was... and my grandpa, who had been gone for many years. He died before I was born. So my dad told her that she had a plane ticket waiting and either she would see him, and us, or she would see grandpa, but either way, she would be with someone she loved more than anything in the world!!! She got on the plane!!! They were in the hall waiting as they wheeled me out of the OR and were taking me to recovery. They had given me some drugs that had me pretty loopy after the surgery, and then, real brilliant, they put a newborn baby in my arms! I remember thinking first, "Hold on to this baby or it's going to fall on the floor!" and second, "Stay awake, you are being rude, your grandma is here and you keep closing your eyes!" Yes, even when I am drugged and out of it, I still feel the need to entertain and make other people happy! :) Our sweet Kailee was such a wonderful addition to our family. She has the strongest spirit and is so 'old' for her age. She has skills beyond her years and can run our home as smoothly as I can. She is our other 'mamahen' and has a mother's heart. She teases that she will have one more baby than we have, so whatever number we stop at, she will have one more! I don't doubt that she will manage to accomplish just that if it ends up being her heart's desire! She is my daughter and she is my friend and I love watching her grow into the beautiful young lady she is now. She brings joy everyday and I am so very grateful to be her mom!!! Happy birthday sweet girl!!!

If at first you don't succeed.... oh heck, just give up! :)

It's that time of year again... family pictures for the Christmas card. I managed to get through the day without any tears thinking of all that is changing in my life! Everything is changing now. Garrett is getting married in January. Tanner leaves for boot camp next month... and sadly we won't be announcing #16 on the cards like we thought we would this year. But I was determined to enjoy this day. We had a great time, got a thumbs up from an elderly couple taking a joy ride in the canyon and enjoyed each others' company... though I have to say that we can depend on at least one child having an attitude any time we get our pictures taken. This was no exception... Thayne had to bribe Kami with his debit card, and then Jace bribed her with his cell phone, and Kassi was mad because somebody was being a 'jerk' to her though we could never determine exactly who was being the jerk... but it was a BLAST today.

Behind the scenes it ain't fun and games!!! The children are quite obnoxious! ha ha

Some good news to balance out the bad...

It's now official... he's talked to her dad, the ring is now on her finger, and my son is getting married!!! Garrett asked Tiffany to marry him, and she said YES!!! Right now they are talking about January 16th... yes, of 2009... It's not set in stone, but they are talking about being married in the Manti Temple which thrills me completely since that is where Thayne and I were sealed. I am so excited for them! Today the girls said she yelled at them from across K Mart... "Hey Church girls!" And they yelled back, "You'll be one soon!" And she laughed and said "Yes!" I get another daughter very soon... how COOL is this???!!! This is going to be absolutely amazing!!!!

Thanksgiving....

This day has been so bittersweet and I am struggling with feelings I just don't understand. I realize that much of it is grief, mourning, anger... all of the things that go along with being human, even when you believe that there is more to life than just what we see. I struggle with the fact that there are those that I love, that always seem to let me down. It's not even really their fault. There are circumstances that prevent them from being what I need them to be. And that is alright. Most days I know that, and understand. But I wish that at the deepest, darkest moments, instead of causing me more pain, they would help carry the burden, lift them and let me believe that I am not as alone as I feel. I realize that I expect too much sometimes.... but since I have not yet overcome all of my human emotions, I fall short and allow the pain to consume me.

But I also have much to be grateful for. Thayne is my greatest gift, my other half, the one person that will be by my side, even when he doesn't understand, or comprehend the depth of the pain I carry. He has always been the half that makes me whole. We have walked so many crazy paths together. He has made me smile, even while the tears are falling. We so often seem to be on the same page, even while we are apart. I am not sure I can think of one single thing that we don't come together on and forge a path together, even when it is contrary to popular opinion or when plain old common sense would say otherwise. He knows my hurt. He may not completely understand it, but he knows it. And I have 15 amazing blessings that call me mom. I hear people say that you can't be friends with your children... but I don't completely agree with that. There are boundaries to being a mom. I am mom first, but as each child grows, those boundaries change and the lines often blur, because they become my friends. I will always mother them, but with age and maturity comes the fact that you have to mother each child different according to their age and needs. I am watching one child prepare to embark on the path that Thayne and I started on over 22 years ago. And I rejoice with him. I smile as I watch them interact and dream of all that will be theirs together. I am still his mom, and will give advice as he asks, as I feel directed, but in a way that cannot be overbearing, or... that won't cross boundaries that are quickly changing from parent/child, to one of a couple that will have to grow and learn and figure it out for themselves. And we move comfortably into a role as friends because as I have often said, I am not raising children, I am raising adults. I am truly humbled, and amazed at the way they protect me, care for me, worry for me and stand fiercely beside me through life. We walked in from a very long day, 3 hours each way to the doctor, a long wait at the doctor's office and devastating news there... and not only is the house clean and the fire burning... but the warmth of the fire could not compete with the warmth of the love and concern they had for me. I stood in the kitchen explaining to my little kids what happened, and holding them as they cried. I had children's arms wrapped so tightly around me that I could barely breathe, and yet, they were holding me together. They ached for the life that we had rejoiced in, and they ached for the pain that I, as their mother, was feeling! They wanted to make me better. Each one of them. They all had questions according to their ages, and according to their need to know and understand. But what hit me so hard was that we had accomplished the very goal that Thayne and I vowed to accomplish! We wanted a strong family, bound together in love, that came together in the best and the worst of circumstances. No matter where they are, or what they are doing with their lives, they all migrate back to 'home' when the storm is raging. So while my heart was aching for what isn't to be, what won't be because of choices or circumstance, I had to rejoice for all that IS in our home right now. This has been a year of trials. I am grateful that Heavenly Father chose to give us miracle after miracle with Nathaniel. If anyone doubts the miracles of the Bible, when the Savior lived on the earth, I could show them those miracles simply by showing them our baby Nate. There have been personal challenges in the past year that have been mine alone to bear. Knowing that I have to overcome my feelings doesn't make them any less real, or any less painful. Just one more thing that the atonement will make up for, one more shortcoming that caused the Lord to suffer, but that He was willing to suffer for makes me all the more grateful. Often I have felt let down by important people in my life this year, but it is my problem, not theirs, and I know that we are all human, and that we are all trying to be the best we can be.

So, while this Thanksgiving was not what I planned it would be... I recognize that we have so much, and that even in the trials we need to be thankful. The moments when I feel most alone, and feel the most pain, I know that the Lord is beside me, that my Heavenly Father knows me, and understands my pain more than anyone else ever could. I am thankful to have each child... and that in less than a month our sweet Nathaniel will be celebrating his first birthday... a birthday that we often wondered would be. I am thankful for friends and family that are there to share the good times, and the bad times... and I do know that there are many good times ahead of us!

And just because... pictures... our baby Nate has started getting into everything, and today he figured out how to open the cupboard and thought he accomplished something really terrific. He was so proud of himself! And a couple of my brother Shawdo feeding Nate a roll. He wouldn't hold it himself, he just rested his head on Shawdo's hand and sucked on it... not the best pictures, they were taken with my cell phone with too much sunlight in the background, but still cute....

Broken hearts...

We moved the appointment up with my doctor because I have been spotting for over a week. That isn't anything really unusual for me since I have done it for almost every pregnancy. But we didn't want to wait through the holiday weekend and another week on top of that. After my initial visit with the doctor I was measuring right where I should be but because of the spotting and knowing that I would have to deliver by 37 weeks she sent me for an ultrasound. I have tried very hard to stay positive but I just didn't have a good feeling about things going into the ultrasound. Now I know why. Our sweet baby stopped growing and there was no heartbeat. After discussing the results with my doctor, it was decided that I come home and wait for this to happen naturally... which is tearing my heart out.

I dreaded coming home and telling the kids. I knew how devastating it would be for them. And it makes me love them all the more that they love each other, including this baby that we never got to hold in our arms. I cried all the way home... and then I cried with my sweet children as we mourned together the loss of this life that was so new, and yet so loved and wanted. I can't stop the tears as I think of all that is lost, all of the hopes that are dashed, and how my little ones cried as we talked about this baby, and how Heavenly Father decided to bring His precious spirit back home to Him instead of letting it be born here, to us. I hope that our baby, and I will forever believe he was a little boy, knows how much he was loved, how much he was wanted, how much he was cherished for the very short time he grew within me. He will forever be part of our family. He will forever be missed. How can you know about somebody for such a short time, and feel so connected, so completely in love. Though the pregnancy was a surprise, it was embraced so completely, welcomed with so much excitement... I felt as disappointed in knowing how badly this would hurt the other kids as I did in the fact that I will not hold this little one in my arms. I will hold him in my heart, I will dream of what would have been... but I know that Heavenly Father's plan is a perfect one, and for whatever reason, it was enough that we accepted that plan without question, and embraced it and now mourn because of it. My love for my kids grew even more as I have watched them cry, watched them mourn, watch them love... they are truly amazing. I hope that the little one that was to be part of our family can feel the love that will always be his! I don't know how I am going to get through this right now... it seems like an impossible task to overcome. But I will, I know I will. I will trust the Lord, and know that He will carry me through this. And when I hurt, I have so many sweet sons and daughters to hold on to until I get through that moment. I will cry with Thayne, and hold onto the knowledge that we have forever to work through this together and that our love will continue to grow. But for now, my heart is broken... and I will trust that in time it will mend, though it will forever be changed because of the one that came into our life for such a short time, but taught us just how capable we are to love.

Good bye sweet baby... you will be missed, and you will always be loved.

Successful day...

I made it through the day so I will call it a success! 6 pumpkin pies are baking for the kids to take to school tomorrow and the baby shower is over and almost all of the things on my to-do list got checked off! Kerry got lots of fun stuff for her new baby girl due to make her appearance on December 12th, if not before! The girls had a great time being girls at the shower while Thayne handled the boys and the basketball game and if I am half way lucky Nate will have fallen back to sleep before the pies are done and I can just go to bed! He's in a horrible bad habit of not wanting to sleep in his crib! He napped for 2 hours today on my bed but the second we put him in the crib he is mad! We had a great time at the shower. We had the ladies play the... well, I guess you would call it the 'dirty diaper' game where you melt different candy bars in diapers and then pass them around and people have to guess what kind of candy bars are in each diaper. It never fails to make me giggle when this game is played at showers, to watch the women put the diapers up to their noses.... it's so typical female!!! It's fun!!! Now it's just waiting to see the new baby. Can't wait to snuggle a newborn again.... it's hard to believe this time last year we were planning Nathaniel's birth!!!

Kerry playing the dirty diaper game...

Cereta measuring Kerry's belly for the toilet paper game!

Cereta and Kami hanging out.... can you believe they are the same age?

Cereta and Kalli during the toilet paper game....

Kailee just cheesing for the camera:

Donna (Candice's mom) checking out the diapers....

Candice, her sister Tamara and Donna , hmmmmmm... what is IN this diaper???
Kassi and Donna cheesing for a picture too... we love Donna!

Kassi checking out the diaper mess! :)

To do, to do, why is there always so much to do?

Two days before Thanksgiving and I have a million things to do... plus a doctor appointment out of town tomorrow so it's even more important to get everything done today. Hopefully while we are over for my appointment we will be able to get the genetic testing done also. And I am supposed to take it easy because of spotting. I will have to be even more effective at directing everybody to get the big stuff done. Today is Hyrum's feast at school, they are doing pot luck and have to take something that starts with their first name so we are taking ham sandwiches. Hayden has to take two pounds of shredded cheese for their Indian Tacos they are making today, and Kalli needs pumpkin pie tomorrow for her class party, and we always take a pumpkin pie to Mrs. S because it has been a tradition since Tanner was in her class in 5th grade. Today is also Kerry's baby shower so I have to finish shopping for that, need the decorations, need to pick up the cake and make the relish tray, need to finish making hair bows for her gift, thankfully I finished the blanket last night. And need to get two prizes for the games. We have a mountain of laundry to finish though I will have the girls working on that nonstop and need to make sure the kids all get their rooms cleaned. Hopefully once the house is clean I can convince the kids to keep it that way for a few minutes.

Most important, I need to call the doctor back at Primary's since he didn't call me back yesterday to finally get the results from Nate's blood work. They were supposed to call the next week but didn't and I finally got through to them yesterday to ask about it. The doctor then called my house phone but I wasn't home. Definately phone tag since he wasn't there when I called back!

And of course Thayne is going to be late because of MSHA... they are double teaming them now but suddenly want to get the inspection done after dragging it on and on for the last week and a half! One more reason to dislike MSHA... the boys have a basketball game tonight, Tallin is working and the girls are supposed to go to the shower with me, which leaves us hanging until Thayne gets home to get the little ones! It's always a joy when everything seems to happen on the same day!

Sock day.... OH NO!

It's that time again... I can't put it off another day! I've ignored, made do, tried to convince myself that just starting over might be a good idea... but here we are, no getting around it... gotta be done! Socks!!! Yep, I have to break down and match socks. I knew I was in trouble when Thayne said in an oh so sweet voice, "I forgot to find some socks for work tomorrow." :) Oh the guilt! He is ever so willing to do it himself but hey, I'm his wife, what is a wife good for if not for matched socks for work! ;-) Well... I guess a wife is good for more than socks... hahahahaha... dinner is a good thing too! ;-) hehe! See... I'm procrastinating doing it even now.... but do it I will! I have some things on my to-do list before Thanksgiving and one of them is to match the socks and get the laundry caught up. Of course I am out of laundry soap so a trip to the store is necessary now but ugh... I'll get there! If anyone wants to come over and help match socks, I'll likely be here from now until... well... probably tomorrow morning!!!!!!!

Updated to say that 2 1/2 of the 4 laundry baskets are now matched, I gave up because I have too many socks downstairs in the laundry so I'll start over tomorrow but a couple of hundred pairs of socks are successfully matched now!!!!

Nate's first hair cut!

The first hair cut is always so bittersweet! A baby goes from babyhood to toddler in a split second! I have been threatening to cut his hair for a while. He was all fly away and baby hair. Thayne got the clippers out doing the other boys and before I knew it, there was a conspiracy to clip his too! He looks adorable and thought that it was extremely relaxing having big brother Jace holding him and dad buzzing his head! We can spike it up again... but gone forever is that sweet baby hair that looked like fuzz blowing in the wind! What a big boy!!!

Before

During After