Love him for Always

 Love.  It’s a choice.  The initial attraction, the connection, might happen out of the blue and take your breath away.  It’s the day to day choices that keep you breathlessly in love.   Life is hard, and messy, and sometimes painful.  Sometimes the storms rage and you feel like you are going to drown in the waves, and you lose sight of each other.  Sometimes we let each other down and break each other’s hearts because the grief and pain is unspeakable.  Yet love is still a choice.  A conscious decision to remain steady, and fiercely loyal, and find comfort in the lifetime of steadiness you have provided one another.  Love is a commandment.  If we are commanded to love, it must certainly mean we have power to do so... that we have the agency to either be in love, or be out of it.  We get to choose whether we let the storms raging break the love, or strengthen it.  Sometimes, for a moment, you can’t see the other side of the storm.  But love can definitely be the life preserver that keeps you afloat.   It’s buoys you up and keeps you from losing yourself in the raging sea of pain.

In over 33 years, there hasn’t been a day that I haven’t allowed my love for him to be front and center in my life.  There hasn’t been a day in all of these years that I haven’t remembered the moment we met and the overwhelming feelings of love for him.  In the moments I haven’t felt “loved” by him, I have prayed to know, and been overwhelmed by love for him.  I have been reminded of the breathless love, the steady love, the enduring love, and the promise of eternal love  when all is said and done.   At the end of the day, he is my person, and I am his.  I can do hard things when I have him by my side.  I don’t know where I end and he begins.  I am grateful every single day that I get to walk through life with him!

These pictures make my heart almost burst.   We have walked through some pretty hard stuff, but oh how we love.   I look at these pictures and know the battles he, and we have fought.  I know the demons he’s conquered behind that smile and I know how much he loves  us.  I love his tender heart, with all of mine.  I will love him for always because forever will never be long enough.

Weary

Tonight I went through Nate and Noah’s room to clean and organize it.  At one point the chaos was great and my poor Nate just stood there frozen with tears running down his face.  I found it ironic that I was struggling to not do the same thing.  It happened to me the first time I deep cleaned the kitchen cupboards after Hayden died.  I think it had been a year.  I had basically opened the door and stuffed whatever groceries were bought for far too long, and the day finally came that I had to do something about it.  Many times I stand by the dryer in the laundry room with tears running down my face.  Don’t ask me why.   Many times I would go down to do laundry and find Hayden’s clothes in the washer.  So I would dry them, fold them and set the basket in his room.   Always as I did it, I hoped he knew how much he was loved and how amazing I knew him to be.   The laundry room always makes me think of him.  Yet for some reason I could barely breathe cleaning their room tonight and Nate felt it too.  Unfortunately I know my closet is waiting for the same tender loving care, and I can barely breathe thinking about doing it.  

To be completely honest, I am weary to the bone.  I’m tired.  I’m sinking as I think about the holidays.  I just don’t want to.  My ideal would be to just go.  To a beach.  To my happy place.  Ignore       Pretend we aren’t celebrating another holiday with a piece of us missing.  But we have little kids.  We have grandkids.  We have people expecting normal.  Whatever that is.

I spend a lot of time okay... I have peace.  I find comfort.  But I am riding a wave of grief unlike any to this point.  I’m tired of expectations.  I’m tired of everyone else’s grief being more important.  I’m weary of worrying about how Hayden’s death affected everyone else.  I’m weary of having no soft place to fall.  Because whether anyone admits it or not, there is an expectation, and even a judgment of how I am supposed to be. I’m tired of feeling alone in a room full of people I love.  I’m tired of looking out for everyone else’s feelings and reactions but nobody checks in with me.  Or worse, is mad that I need my feelings to be seen.   I’m tired of being the doormat to everyone else’s feelings.  I’m simply tired.  Tonight I’m tired.  I have sat here alone in the hot tub and watched the trucks go up and down the back road and fought the demons screaming inside me.  Imaging what it would feel like to know the next truck I see go by is him, coming home.  Tonight I’m tired of the silence.  Tonight I’m angry that nobody sees me or my pain.  Tonight I’m angry at the choices that took him away and left anxiety, PTSD and utter heartbreak behind.  I’m weary of wondering if Nate is going to have a good night, or a night full of horrible dreams and listening for him to come racing through the house not even awake but in panic mode.  I’m weary of listening to Thayne’s  nightmares and whispers of “no, no, no” and trying to comfort him while he sleeps. I’m weary of hoping each morning will be an okay morning for Noah to go to school without a fight, or worse, a complete meltdown.  I’m weary of waking up at 2 a.m. wishing someone was listening for my bad dreams.

How’s that for a pity party.  I know I’m not alone. I know it. But I’m going to ride this wave tonight and just feel it.  And tomorrow I’ll get up and face the world and find a million reasons to smile.  Tonight I’ll be weary.

Hayden and Wyatt graduated together!

I am quite certain the school was more than a little bit excited to get these two boys out of there!  In fact that will likely be the last of our kids to graduate from that high school because so far the rest of the kids have decided to homeschool through high school.  I can't say I feel bad about it.  I had quite honestly come to believe that getting Hayden through high school would be next to impossible.  We pulled him out the end of his freshman year after some serious issues with a couple of the teachers.  We had tried everything and hoped that homeschooling with be beneficial to him.   But he was a square peg in a world full of round holes.  We pushed and begged and prodded him in hopes of him doing the work.  That boy just didn't fit any molds and he wanted to do things his way.  So Thayne put him to work, mostly to keep him near and help him figure out what he wanted to do with his life.  He left his freshman year with, I think it was 4 credits.  Despite his brilliance.  I felt lost for the next couple of years trying to figure out how hard to push.  The beginning of what would be his junior year, he met a teacher that was running a new program to help kids like Hayden finish high school. Within a few short weeks he moved through his freshman and sophomore year and by his birthday we learned that he would be graduating a year early.  Which meant he and Wyatt would be graduating together.  Poor Wyatt.  Not only did Hayden get to walk with him, but since his name started with an H, he would be receiving his diploma ahead of him!  If I was going to lose Hayden a month later, I am forever grateful that I got to watch those two boys walk together and receive their diplomas together.  I think maybe Wyatt may have been annoyed when he first found out.  But I know he is grateful now that he got to share that night with his brother.  They were two of the three original bandit boys.  They were the best of friends and enemies at times.  But they got this night together.  It will always be one of my best memories.  I was so happy that night.  I love these boys so much.  It wasn't easy to get here, but they did it, and I am grateful they did!

Catch up

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Is it possible to even begin to catch up the past 2 1/2 years in one post?  Or a dozen posts?   I have missed blogging so much.  I really can't use just one thing as an excuse; not even losing Hayden.  I have been lazy when it comes to opening my computer.  Social media is so much faster I suppose, and right there on my phone.  Yet I have really missed keeping up with my blog.  I have thought for a long time that it is time to start again.  To catch up.  We have done so much living since the last post.  In fact sometimes I am amazed at all of the living we managed to do, even though part of our heart is missing.  We still managed to live.  We have managed to smile, laugh, and sometimes cry.  Always together.  Hanging onto each other for dear life.

This picture was taken in September...  and it is almost out of date already.  We are only missing Matt.  He had to work.  And Hayden.  We will always miss him in our pictures.  The life he would have brought into every picture will be missed for the rest of our lives.  But life continues and we just keep growing.... and growing.  This is the group picture taken at the end of the reception for Wyatt and Mariah.  They got married for real in May.  We teased that this is their 'faux-wedding'.   We have 21 grandbabies and they were all here for this fun, crazy weekend.  We took pictures.  We laughed.  We stressed and laughed some more.   A sweet friend came and took pictures (just wait for that overload to come!), and as strange as it sounds, it was so healing.  We have learned we can do hard things.   Really hard things.  We are better because of it.  

I will get around to making a post for all of the things that I didn't post about, but wanted to.  Hopefully soon!  But life is really, really busy.  That's a good thing!  There are days I am not sure which end is up, and never sure if I am doing an okay job keeping up.  But I am doing my best, and if that isn't enough, I don't know what else I could do!

We have had births and weddings to keep us smiling.  We have a brand new engagement.  Which will bring 2 more grandsons into the mix!  A new baby is coming in December.  Kids are growing up, becoming adults.  The numbers in our home are shrinking, but our family is expanding.   The business is growing and I am getting busier with my foot zoning/energy healing.   We celebrated our 33rd wedding anniversary in June.  I have spent a lot of time thinking about where life has taken us.  There are some things I never could have imagined when we started this journey.  What an adventure it's been! 

He Felt My Pain

Today I am thankful for this picture and all it represents to me. Almost 15 years ago I was preparing for the birth of my 13th child. It was to be my 8th c-section and I was more than a little nervous. I was staying in Elko to deliver with a doctor that I not only didn't like, but I didn't trust him either. But circumstances made it nearly impossible to go to my normal doctors in Utah and every time I prayed about going I had a very clear "No" answer. I had a feeling it was going to be a "growing" experience whether I liked it or not. As we prepared, prayed and received a Priesthood Blessing I was told clearly that through this experience I would come to know and understand more of what the Savior went through for me. That scared me even more. Because let's be real... it is the Savior!
The c-section was more traumatic and horrifying than even I imagined. The baby was stuck sideways and high in my ribs. I was cut vertically and horizontally trying to get him out. I was black and blue from them trying to physically force him out of my ribs. To top it off, the epidural only worked on one side. The doctor was rude and offended that I had so many kids. He was sloppy and the mess he made almost cost me my life during the delivery of my youngest child several years later.
After delivery they did not bring me pain medication. I have an extremely high pain tolerance and I couldn't even breathe because it hurt so bad. Throughout the day I begged the nurses to bring me something. They couldn't get authorization from the monster doctor. Then they forgot. I could barely breathe from the pain. I lay in the bed as still as I could be because any movement shot the most horrendous pain through my body. I finally started praying. Instantly I had a vision of sorts open up in my mind. I saw the Savior in the Garden, suffering for my sins, for my pain, for every heartache I had ever, or would ever experience. And I forgot my pain and cried for Him. I don't know how much time I was able to witness the scene in my mind but I know that my heart, and my life was changed.
I had never seen a picture depict the scene I witnessed that day. The excruciating pain He was in. For me. I have looked for years for a picture that represented everything I witnessed. After losing Hayden, while we were changing the living room, the thought occurred to me to look again for a picture of what I witnessed that night so many years ago. As I googled pictures of Gethsemane, I found this one. I cried again. Because that night so long ago, the Lord knew exactly what I would be feeling today. He wanted me to know He understood. That even now He will carry it if I let Him. I look at this picture dozens of times a day. It's where my eyes go to first thing in the morning. And where I look any time I feel like my heart is hurting.
I can honestly say that I am forever grateful for the struggles in my life. There is no way I could know Him so well without the hard times. He is not an abstract idea to me, or a hope that the Bible stories are true. He is my friend. He is my brother. He is my Savior. He knows my pain. He carries it. He lifts my heart whenever it gets too heavy or hurts too bad. I will never forget that night, in that dark hospital room, with my beautiful son tucked under my arm, witnessing the greatest gift mankind had ever been given. I KNOW that my Redeemer lives. Because He lived, and died, and lives even now... I have perfect hope.

Somedays I See You Everywhere

 I drove down a random street in Utah the other day, and there was your truck.  Even the same interior.  It startled me.  I knew it wasn't you.  My head knew it.  My heart wished it.   I see your truck everywhere.  Who knew how many old Ford trucks are around.  Around town, out of town.  Everywhere I go, there you are.  Every morning I come back from the gym and expect to see you climbing into your truck getting ready to go to work.  Sometimes I look outside expecting to see your truck parked outside, next to the garbage cans, facing up the hill so you don't have to back it up when you leave.   Every once in a while, sitting on the porch, I see an old black Ford on the back road and I remember how much I hate that back road.  The back road that took so much from us.  I have ALWAYS hated that back road.  I hate it even more now.  

I can't imagine how bad it hurt you.  The physical pain.  Your grandpa's truck.  Your pride and joy.  I can't comprehend how horrible it must have been.  I wish I could have comforted you.  I wish I could have held your hand and told you it would be okay, that we would all be okay.  I wish I could have made it alright.  Sometimes Nate has dreamed about you turning on the back road and has cried out for you to go the other way.  If only we could go back in time.  If only!  I wonder, will I always expect it to be you when I see an old truck?  Probably.  Because I know there will never be a day that I don't miss  you.

My Broken Heart

He held my hand for 17 years. 

He will hold my heart for all eternity.  

His beautiful heart stopped beating at 11:05 pm. 

I am grateful he was never too old to hold my hand. 

I am grateful for his beautiful smile and his gigantic heart. 

I'm grateful for the incredible way he loved me as his mom.  

And that I got to be his mom.  

I would take 17 years of having him, and have to give him back

To his Heavenly Father,

Than a lifetime of never knowing him.  

I am grateful to have witnessed his adventurous spirit

And the way he lived life at full throttle. 

I am grateful to have witnessed the way he loved the babies in our family. 

In any family. 

He just loved. 

I don't know how we move beyond this moment.

But I know that we will. 

Because Heavenly Father's plan is not about the here and now. 

It is, oh, so much bigger than right now.  

I will honor his beautiful life by living my life

The way the Lord has asked me to, and cling to the promise

That families are forever.  

Because it isn't something I hope for. 

It is something I know to be absolutely true!

Oh my beautiful Hayden Robert. 

I already miss everything about you.  

Rest In Peace Buddy. 

Until I get to hold you in my arms again,

And see those beautiful eyes and that incredible smile. 

My heart will never be the same.  

Long Arm of the Law

 We were hanging out in the back room,

Thayne's office,

when we heard someone walk into the house.

Looked up to find

the long arm of the law

peeking into the room!

haha

Josh loves being a cop!

Blue lives MATTER!!!!

God bless the men and women who put their lives on the line!

Learner's Permit... oh my!

Stay off the sidewalks...

Kalli is learning to drive!

haha

Just kidding!

But wow, my 12th kid is starting to drive.

How crazy is that?

I have survived 11 other drivers.

Some were better than others,

by better, I mean some didn't terrify me,

while others had me 'white knuckled'

hanging on for dear life,

each and every time I had to get in the car with them.

While others just took to it naturally.

Let's hope she is the latter,

because I am getting old!

She worked hard to pass the test.

She gets so anxious when she has to take tests,

so it took more than once to get it done.

She was SO happy to get it done!

Now we have 6 months of practice before she goes for the real thing.

Don't worry,

I pray hard for guardian angels.

I think they get paid hazard duty when they are assigned to our family!

Grateful for my blessings!

We ran to town early so Kalli could take her test for her learner's permit.  When we got home, these two little boys were outside playing.  They coordinated their shirts, and were playing in the dirt pile together.  I kind of got a lump in my throat when I saw them there, together.   I had one of those moments that took my breath away as I realized what these two little boys represent to me, and to our lives.  Sometimes I am reminded of the magnitude of the miracles I have been given in my life.  Like these two little men.  Each one of them in different ways have shown me that miracles of Biblical proportions still happen.  Both have taught me about sacrifice, about forgetting what I want, and handing my life over to God.  Because in reality, it is Him whom has far grander plans for my life than I do.  These two taught me about life, and death, heartbreak and joy.  They have taught me all over again that faith can move mountains.  Because of their lives, I have greater hope than I believed possible.  They give me a million reasons to smile.  They changed me.  They changed my personality.  They helped me see that life moves quickly, and that nothing is guaranteed.  They gave me the opportunity to step back and enjoy the things that used to give me stress.  They gave me second chances.  Something I don't want to take for granted.  And for that, I am eternally grateful.