Emmett turns one

 

Our little Emmett George turned one!

This kid is AMAZING!

He has the sweetest personality,

and is a beast!

He is a giant, just like his daddy was at his age!

He's not quite walking yet,

but doesn't seem to really be in a hurry to do it.

He is also loves cuddles.

Happy Birthday little (big) man.

We love you and are so grateful you are part of this

big, crazy family!



April Catch Up 2014

 

April Catch Up...

 

Found us celebrating Hayden's 14th birthday

and Emma's first birthday.

We went to visit Kimi and be there for Emma's party.

It happened to be Easter weekend.

Cute grandsons in matching outfits,

cute granddaughters...

Visits with my aunts.

Kids making redneck, dangerous teeter totters,

and homemade stilts.

Maelynn has been hanging out with us

while her mom does finals and gets ready to graduate.

Visits to Delta to fix clean up the yard there and

little boys riding the horse that I rode

when I was probably the same age as them.

Fire pit in the back yard resulting in lots of s'more making!

 

Nothing real exciting.

I mean, except the wreck that totaled my car.

At this point, we prefer boring!

Yay!!!

 We got some really, really awesome news.

Tiffany and Garrett had their ultrasound

and found out their new baby is going to be a girl!

A girl!!!

With three very excited big brothers

who are going to love her so much.

Probably more than she will want to be loved.

Gabe is so excited.

He has wanted a baby sister for SO long!

 

I am kind of looking forward to doing some serious girl shopping!

She is due around Thanksgiving!

Can't wait to see her sweet face.

She already looks like she has those big, adorable lips

like all of her brothers have!

Yay for girls!!!

 

End of the School Year 2014

 The 2013-2014 school year seemed to fly by.

It's probably because the older I get, the faster the kids seem to grow up,

often, much to my dismay!

It was a good year!

Nate graduated from Kindergarten!

Which still amazes me.

He will never cease to be a miracle in my heart and mind.

He finally seems to have caught up to the other kids his age,

and is getting taller and taller.

He is doing really well in his speech therapy and is reading and doing great!

 

The end of the school year is always filled with fun.

The 5th graders have their annual rocket launch.

Hyrum painted his pink in honor of his grandpa.

Maelynn was hanging out with us because her mom was in the middle of finals.

I'm not sure how impressed she was,

but she loves hanging with her grandpa.

Hayden had his 8th grade social.

He went, he danced, he said it was fun!

The theme was Old Chicago.

Kami was in the talent show.

She loves to perform!

Hyrum and Kami both made the honor roll in elementary school.

They have such great teachers.

It is going to be so strange to only have two kids there...

It makes me sad.

They have the best school!

And now Hyrum moves up to middle school,

Hayden moves up to the high school.

Kalli is going to be a big 8th grader,

upper classman in the middle school.

Wyatt will be a sophomore  and Willie a senior.

It's really crazy to think about how quickly we are winding down.

We had the older kids so quickly,

and in the middle of the madness it felt like things would never change.

Yet here we are...

So many are grown up and the rest are growing way too fast!

 

Everyone was ready for summer though...

And before we blink,

it will be time to school shop and get back on the crazy schedule

that comes with the school year.

 



Prom 2014

One day I won't be playing catch up...

I don't know when, but I'm sure one day I will be all caught up.

But for now,

Here is prom, 2014.

Willie's first prom!

He said it was a lot of fun,

and he looked very handsome in his tux!

They all looked great!

Now on to his senior year.

Not sure how THAT happened,

but he is incredibly excited.

7 Months

I have looked at these three pictures so many times over the last seven months that sometimes I see them in my dreams.  Every single time I see the picture of my dad walking away I think of the words to the song, 'This is where the cowboy rides away' and sometimes it hurts so bad I can barely breathe.   The day these pictures were taken was so precious to me.  I had some pretty deep, meaningful conversations with my dad as we walked around the desert, without realizing that 5 short months later his life would end here.  He was in so much pain.  Both physically and emotionally.  And I wonder why he didn't let us carry some of that pain for him.  I understand.  At least I think I do.  But oh, how things could have been different.  Oh. how I wish things were different.  Though I am not sure how I could have changed anything. I only wish I could.  What's more, I wish I would have been given the chance to try.

My dad was a cowboy you know.  A real cowboy.  The kind you find on a ranch, or a farm.  Doing cowboy things.  I wish I would have known that side of him.  He had long given up that way of life before I was old enough to know about it.  And enjoy it.  Because I think I would have very much enjoyed watching my dad do cowboy things, like breaking horses.  In my 'zone' room I have two horse shoes that my grandpa had used years ago... before I was even born.  I loved how proud my dad was of his dad, and how very much he wanted to make his dad proud.  I loved hearing about his dreams to be a rodeo clown.  Oddly enough I could really see him being a rodeo clown.  No doubt he would have been the best.  He would have probably made a name for himself, just like he did in mining.  I would have loved to see him sitting on his saddle that he cherished his whole life, with his spurs on.  The man lived and died in his cowboy boots.  I used to be a pretty fast runner.  My dad was faster.  Man was he fast!  And he always ran in his cowboy boots.  I see two of my boys in his boots now.  I catch my breath as I walk up to the door and see a pair sitting on the porch.  I will forever love a man in cowboy boots.  Because my dad was the first love of my life, and real men wore cowboy boots.  So was it any surprise when Thayne walked out of the office at the grocery store, and the first thing I saw was his cowboy boots, that I was hooked right then?!  How grateful I am that my dad was a great example to my husband.  How to be a dad, a husband, a Priesthood holder...

I think I am saddest that my younger kids will not really remember the great things about my dad.  Except of course the stories that we will continue to tell.... because a man as great as he was should always be remembered, should always be honored, and loved.  And he was loved.  I hope he knew that... I hope he knows now the hero he was in our eyes. 

I wish that there was some way that I could make a difference in this life.  That I could find a way to help others that are struggling.  I wish I could help those who are hopeless, find hope, and understand that the pain suicide leaves behind is relentless, and heavy, and leaves an ache that just goes on, and on.  I wish that never, ever has to be an option.  I read a blog post not long ago about how the person is just out of options to relieve that pain.  I agreed with many things she said in her blog, but I wanted to stand up and scream.... but what about the rest of us????  What about the guilt left for everyone to figure out???  What about the pain that simply never leaves, never lets up, never fades.  The what ifs are the worst.  What if?  What if!  The peace in knowing he is ok, and out of pain helps a little bit.  I am grateful for the knowledge of the Lord's tender mercy, and the gift of the atonement.  But that doesn't take away the thoughts that creep into your mind in the middle of the night.  That doesn't take away the fact that somebody had to find you, and deal with the scars that come from that.  That doesn't take away all of the decisions that must be made going forward.  It's true... I know the atonement is real, and true.  But the pain is still so real, and so raw.  And while you are trying to deal with the reality of the situation, you still have to deal with the pain your children and others are feeling. 

Mostly I wish I could make people understand that their actions matter.  How we treat each other MATTERS!  How we speak to each other MATTERS!  I think that we are very accountable for the way we shun others, or for the way we make others feel.  In the end we are all responsible for our own actions.  But what we do MATTERS.  Do we heap more pain on another, not understanding where their mind is?  Do we make their burden heavier because we choose to judge, or not be involved, or don't have time, or can't be bothered?  I have witnessed so much pain lately.  It seems our town has an exceptionally high suicide rate.  Too many.  Too much pain.  We matter.  We are responsible too.  As long as I live, I never want to walk away from somebody who is hurting.  I don't want to be too busy.  I don't want to think someone else will take care of it, and most of all, I don't want to miss the signs, or believe it won't really happen.  I mostly just don't want anyone to suffer this kind of pain.  I look around and wonder about the masks put on to hide ourselves from others.  Why do we do that?  Why are we afraid of being vulnerable?  I have struggled with a fear that nobody is who they appear to be.  For a while I wondered if anyone was 'normal'.  Though what is normal?  I don't think that is even real.  Normal.  Normal is a lie.  And lies hurt. 

I realized, after reading journals, that there were demons in my dad's mind, and I am amazed at all he gave to his family to give us 'normal'.   Again, I wonder how things could be different if so many people weren't afraid of anything not in their 'norm'?  I wonder how different the world could be if we understood the silent pain, and were willing to step out of our comfort zone and help each other.  Why so judgmental?  Why are we so caught up in expecting people to be better than they are... and more important, why do we expect people to be better than we are ourselves?  I have someone that I once considered to be my best friend, a sister, I love her still... yet she judged a situation and demanded action that she herself was not willing to give when she found herself and her child in the very same situation.  At church, she stopped my daughter and asked her how I was doing.... and I was standing RIGHT NEXT to my daughter.  The pain was still fresh in my heart, and I felt like she plunged the knife in and twisted... and does so every single week, and I wonder, what is causing her so much pain that she would treat another person so badly, in a place where there should be love and acceptance and a hand up? 

I don't know... there are so many emotions and so much pain wrapped up in this whole thing that I wonder when I will ever feel 'normal' again.  I have said over and over that this seems to be our normal... that nothing is EVER normal, and that we just keep going forward, breathing, hurting, aching, but standing upright.  I don't ever, ever want my children to think this is an option.  We lost another family member the same way not long ago.  Who lost his dad the same way.  I want to scream STOP!  The kids have hurt enough.  Recently Kami's friend told her she wanted to kill herself.  She was NINE.  Nine years old.  Why???  Thankfully Kami told us and we were able to talk to her teacher, who with the principal and her parents were able to help her.  But why in the world does a nine year old feel like this is an option?  What can we do to change this?  My heart hurts so bad... so, so bad!

31 Sundays

Thirty one Sundays.... And every one, every single one, I think I am going to go about the day, get ready for Church, enjoy the entire day and not cry.  Yet here I  again.  Crying. Feeling the pain.  Wishing things were different.  Wishing the phone would ring.  Wondering how long it will take to stop feeling the gut wrenching pain because I will never hear my dad's voice again in this life.

Thirty one weeks ago yesterday our world changed.  Thirty one weeks ago today we planned a funeral and tried to figure out how to make sense of anything.  Yet the one thing that hurts the most is knowing that every Sunday from now on is another Sunday without talking to him, laughing, trusting that all will be well in the world because of him.  And my heart continues to break. 

I think it's added upon because of all of the heart ache and losses we, and others have experienced lately.  It seems like the world is out of control.  Spinning, and I don't know how to stop it, to get some kind of control back.  Not that we ever had any to begin with. But I struggle feeling like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't like feeling this way.  I have faith.  I have even felt tremendous peace.  It still hurts. I realized something that I've always known, yet had to be reminded again, that even though we have perfect peace in a situation, doesn't mean we are free from feeling the pains of mortality.   It is how we gain empathy, sympathy, and a greater understanding of what the Savior suffered for us.  It makes us better.  It softens us. It allows us to lean on The Lord.  

I suppose the thunder and lightening and gloomy skies didn't help today.  It probably doesn't help me to come home from church and try to nap listening to the Merle Haggard radio station. I want to cry though.  I have to be tough but I don't want to be.  I want to feel the pain. I want to feel it until the tears bring me fully to peace.  I want to cry until the hurt is cried out and only joy in the life he lived is left.  I want to forgive.  I want to let go and no longer feel alone even in a room full of people.  I want my broken heart to mend.  

Thirty one Sundays.  It seems like so many.  Except it feels like it just happened.  I wish there weren't so many other emotions attached to my dad's death.  I wish there weren't so many other issues all wrapped up in it... But then that would be easy wouldn't it?  I wouldn't have so many opportunities to grow, and stretch, and trust, and believe. I wouldn't have to use my faith to know that it really is ok.  We are ok.  And one day all of this will be ok.  So for now I will allow my heart to feel everything it needs to feel, cry every tear and count the Sundays and miss my dad.  Because truly, everything really will be ok.   

March birthdays

I am ever so slowly catching up this year! 

Yay me!

March is a busy birthday month.

Kassi turned 20 this year and Tanner turned 24.

They weren't able to celebrate together because Tanner was gone,

so she insisted that Wyatt take his place for their 'fridge' picture!

Of course Wyatt took full advantage of the situation.

We had Tanner and Chris share their day at work.

Chris works for our company now and will be Jace's brother in law in October.

He is marrying Caitlyn's twin sister.

Tanner and Chris have the same birthdays.

Of course we didn't get to celebrate with Kimi (turning 25) because she was too far from home...

and Caitlyn had a birthday party at our favorite pizza place for Jace, who turned 26.

Everyone is getting too old and have grown up way too fast!



Snapshot of March 2014

March found us busy with a few remodeling projects.  We were finally getting new carpet for the upstairs bedrooms.  We turned one room into my zoning room and another into an office and all of the kids are moved downstairs now.  Big changes.  For a few days it looked like hoarders had taken over our home.  It also looks like all Noah does is climb on things and sleep... oh wait, that's pretty much all he does!

We took the tv out of our bedroom and moved it to the zoning room.  I must say it was a wonderful thing to do, and our bedroom feels like it's only little retreat from the world again.  Now if I could figure out a way to get the kids to stop using my bathroom as their own personal place to do hair and make up, and to borrow my toothpaste and lotion, life would be nearly perfect!  Okay, maybe that's not true.  As much as it completely drives me crazy that I have provided them with everything, I suppose one day I will miss having them come in and invade my space.  Be careful what we wish for, right??? 

We also got to spend extra time with Mae Mae while her mom was preparing for finals and finishing up her schooling in preparation for graduation.  It was so fun.  She is a grandpa's girl though, which is really fun to watch.  He ends up packing her around almost the entire time they are together. 

The other two pictures in the collage.... well, I always get teased that I am preparing for the invasion of aliens because I always have water bottles around.  Some of the kids and I went to Delta with a friend to practice foot zoning and as I gathered up my water bottles I realized I probably needed an intervention.... that, or you will all be wishing you were around when the invasion finally happens.  (Signs)   And the feet... well, they are shoes.  I went to work one day and looked around the office and realized Thayne had three pairs of shoes there!  As much as he teases the rest of us, it was nice to have something to bug  him about!

So there we have it.  March 2014.  Hard to believe how fast the months are flying by this year.  It feels like the world is just spinning out of control some days!

Willie is 17

Willie turned 17 in February and I felt like he deserved to be bragged about,

just a little bit!

Because I am his mom and it is my prerogative to brag when I want!

 

This kid is amazing.

He is a hard worker.

He has worked, either for the video store, or the pizza place

since he was about 12 years old.

He also does side jobs for people,

doing yard work.

His work ethic is really quite amazing and his zest for life is, well, exhausting!

Exhausting to me that is, because he is in constant movement!

He has such a huge heart and cares so much about others.

Always has.

But sometimes he just goes above and beyond,

and I am humbled by his goodness.

 

Willie was very concerned about my mom after my dad died.

We all were.

But he put his money where his mouth was and truly gave his all for her.

I have no doubt my dad is very proud of him.

He was worried that my mom wouldn't have much for Christmas,

so Christmas eve he went to town and cashed his paycheck,

and spent the money on gifts for his grandma.

He worries about her a lot and tries to get to town to take her to lunch.

At his brother's wedding, when they played the song for the parents and grandparents to dance,

Willie knew that grandpa wouldn't want her to sit out,

so he made her get up and dance with him.

That is who he is.

That is the kind of young man he is.

His heart is so soft, and so kind.

I love him, and am proud to be his mom.

I can't believe he is 17.

The time is going so fast and before long he will take off

and live out his dreams.

I wish I could turn back time...

hold on to the precious moments.

Why do they have to grow up so fast???