He Felt My Pain

Today I am thankful for this picture and all it represents to me. Almost 15 years ago I was preparing for the birth of my 13th child. It was to be my 8th c-section and I was more than a little nervous. I was staying in Elko to deliver with a doctor that I not only didn't like, but I didn't trust him either. But circumstances made it nearly impossible to go to my normal doctors in Utah and every time I prayed about going I had a very clear "No" answer. I had a feeling it was going to be a "growing" experience whether I liked it or not. As we prepared, prayed and received a Priesthood Blessing I was told clearly that through this experience I would come to know and understand more of what the Savior went through for me. That scared me even more. Because let's be real... it is the Savior!
The c-section was more traumatic and horrifying than even I imagined. The baby was stuck sideways and high in my ribs. I was cut vertically and horizontally trying to get him out. I was black and blue from them trying to physically force him out of my ribs. To top it off, the epidural only worked on one side. The doctor was rude and offended that I had so many kids. He was sloppy and the mess he made almost cost me my life during the delivery of my youngest child several years later.
After delivery they did not bring me pain medication. I have an extremely high pain tolerance and I couldn't even breathe because it hurt so bad. Throughout the day I begged the nurses to bring me something. They couldn't get authorization from the monster doctor. Then they forgot. I could barely breathe from the pain. I lay in the bed as still as I could be because any movement shot the most horrendous pain through my body. I finally started praying. Instantly I had a vision of sorts open up in my mind. I saw the Savior in the Garden, suffering for my sins, for my pain, for every heartache I had ever, or would ever experience. And I forgot my pain and cried for Him. I don't know how much time I was able to witness the scene in my mind but I know that my heart, and my life was changed.
I had never seen a picture depict the scene I witnessed that day. The excruciating pain He was in. For me. I have looked for years for a picture that represented everything I witnessed. After losing Hayden, while we were changing the living room, the thought occurred to me to look again for a picture of what I witnessed that night so many years ago. As I googled pictures of Gethsemane, I found this one. I cried again. Because that night so long ago, the Lord knew exactly what I would be feeling today. He wanted me to know He understood. That even now He will carry it if I let Him. I look at this picture dozens of times a day. It's where my eyes go to first thing in the morning. And where I look any time I feel like my heart is hurting.
I can honestly say that I am forever grateful for the struggles in my life. There is no way I could know Him so well without the hard times. He is not an abstract idea to me, or a hope that the Bible stories are true. He is my friend. He is my brother. He is my Savior. He knows my pain. He carries it. He lifts my heart whenever it gets too heavy or hurts too bad. I will never forget that night, in that dark hospital room, with my beautiful son tucked under my arm, witnessing the greatest gift mankind had ever been given. I KNOW that my Redeemer lives. Because He lived, and died, and lives even now... I have perfect hope.

Somedays I See You Everywhere

 I drove down a random street in Utah the other day, and there was your truck.  Even the same interior.  It startled me.  I knew it wasn't you.  My head knew it.  My heart wished it.   I see your truck everywhere.  Who knew how many old Ford trucks are around.  Around town, out of town.  Everywhere I go, there you are.  Every morning I come back from the gym and expect to see you climbing into your truck getting ready to go to work.  Sometimes I look outside expecting to see your truck parked outside, next to the garbage cans, facing up the hill so you don't have to back it up when you leave.   Every once in a while, sitting on the porch, I see an old black Ford on the back road and I remember how much I hate that back road.  The back road that took so much from us.  I have ALWAYS hated that back road.  I hate it even more now.  

I can't imagine how bad it hurt you.  The physical pain.  Your grandpa's truck.  Your pride and joy.  I can't comprehend how horrible it must have been.  I wish I could have comforted you.  I wish I could have held your hand and told you it would be okay, that we would all be okay.  I wish I could have made it alright.  Sometimes Nate has dreamed about you turning on the back road and has cried out for you to go the other way.  If only we could go back in time.  If only!  I wonder, will I always expect it to be you when I see an old truck?  Probably.  Because I know there will never be a day that I don't miss  you.

My Broken Heart

He held my hand for 17 years. 

He will hold my heart for all eternity.  

His beautiful heart stopped beating at 11:05 pm. 

I am grateful he was never too old to hold my hand. 

I am grateful for his beautiful smile and his gigantic heart. 

I'm grateful for the incredible way he loved me as his mom.  

And that I got to be his mom.  

I would take 17 years of having him, and have to give him back

To his Heavenly Father,

Than a lifetime of never knowing him.  

I am grateful to have witnessed his adventurous spirit

And the way he lived life at full throttle. 

I am grateful to have witnessed the way he loved the babies in our family. 

In any family. 

He just loved. 

I don't know how we move beyond this moment.

But I know that we will. 

Because Heavenly Father's plan is not about the here and now. 

It is, oh, so much bigger than right now.  

I will honor his beautiful life by living my life

The way the Lord has asked me to, and cling to the promise

That families are forever.  

Because it isn't something I hope for. 

It is something I know to be absolutely true!

Oh my beautiful Hayden Robert. 

I already miss everything about you.  

Rest In Peace Buddy. 

Until I get to hold you in my arms again,

And see those beautiful eyes and that incredible smile. 

My heart will never be the same.  

Long Arm of the Law

 We were hanging out in the back room,

Thayne's office,

when we heard someone walk into the house.

Looked up to find

the long arm of the law

peeking into the room!

haha

Josh loves being a cop!

Blue lives MATTER!!!!

God bless the men and women who put their lives on the line!

Learner's Permit... oh my!

Stay off the sidewalks...

Kalli is learning to drive!

haha

Just kidding!

But wow, my 12th kid is starting to drive.

How crazy is that?

I have survived 11 other drivers.

Some were better than others,

by better, I mean some didn't terrify me,

while others had me 'white knuckled'

hanging on for dear life,

each and every time I had to get in the car with them.

While others just took to it naturally.

Let's hope she is the latter,

because I am getting old!

She worked hard to pass the test.

She gets so anxious when she has to take tests,

so it took more than once to get it done.

She was SO happy to get it done!

Now we have 6 months of practice before she goes for the real thing.

Don't worry,

I pray hard for guardian angels.

I think they get paid hazard duty when they are assigned to our family!

Grateful for my blessings!

We ran to town early so Kalli could take her test for her learner's permit.  When we got home, these two little boys were outside playing.  They coordinated their shirts, and were playing in the dirt pile together.  I kind of got a lump in my throat when I saw them there, together.   I had one of those moments that took my breath away as I realized what these two little boys represent to me, and to our lives.  Sometimes I am reminded of the magnitude of the miracles I have been given in my life.  Like these two little men.  Each one of them in different ways have shown me that miracles of Biblical proportions still happen.  Both have taught me about sacrifice, about forgetting what I want, and handing my life over to God.  Because in reality, it is Him whom has far grander plans for my life than I do.  These two taught me about life, and death, heartbreak and joy.  They have taught me all over again that faith can move mountains.  Because of their lives, I have greater hope than I believed possible.  They give me a million reasons to smile.  They changed me.  They changed my personality.  They helped me see that life moves quickly, and that nothing is guaranteed.  They gave me the opportunity to step back and enjoy the things that used to give me stress.  They gave me second chances.  Something I don't want to take for granted.  And for that, I am eternally grateful.

Kinzee, Josh and Carson

 Lots of big changes have happened in their lives this year also.  It's been a big year!  Josh decided he wanted to be a police officer.  After a whole lot of hard work, he graduated this past Thursday from POST Academy and starts work on Monday. 

 

For the past 16 weeks, Josh has been at POST, while Carson and Kinzee did their best to stay busy at home so they wouldn't miss him quite so much.  It was a lot of hard work and sacrifice, but they did it!

 

We were able to go down for the dinner and graduation to celebrate with them.  We are so proud of them.  They are so excited to start on the next part of their journey.  And I will only worry a little bit that he is a cop! 

 

Carson is getting so big.  He is such a character.  Lots of personality and charm.  He brings so much joy to all of us.  He is old enough to go to nursery at church!  That's a big deal!  It's hard to believe how quickly time has flown by.  I just adore this little boy!  Kinzee loves being a mommy, and I love seeing her be Carson's mom! 

 

I can't wait to see what the future holds for this little family as they begin this new chapter of their lives together.  I love them so much!



This is one of my most favorite pictures ever.  It shows Carson's personality so perfectly!!!

I couldn't help it.  I had to steal this picture.  This little boy is so full of sweetness and smiles!

Chris and Kassi... and Thea makes Three!

 

 

 

What a year this has been for Kassi and Chris!

They found out they were expecting a little avocado while in Hawaii,

Chris finished his time in the military and they came back home.

Chris works at the shop for Thayne.

Everything was going smoothly,

until they found out Kassi's membranes had ruptured at 29 weeks. 

The next thing we knew they had life flight called,

and we were watching her be loaded in an ambulance,

ready to be flown to the U of U.

It looked like she might have to deliver immediately,

but they were able to get things stabilized and everyone settled in,

hoping she could make it a few more days, or best scenario,

a few more weeks.

Which meant she was stuck in the hospital until Avocado was born.

 

At 31 weeks, Kassi felt like something was going on.

Something was different. 

We got the call that the baby was coming.

We headed out but about midnight she text saying they didn't think she was going to be born yet, and they were taking her back to her room.

Except things were changing...

I told Thayne we should just stop and get some sleep and head back out the next morning.

 

Sure enough, things were happening,

and they moved her back to labor and delivery.

Initially they decided to give her an epidural

in hopes of slowing down the labor

so they could get her another dose of steroids.

Kassi had a horrible pain in her side.

They found out she had an infection,

and the plan to stall suddenly changed to a need to hurry things up.

 

The nurses explained that the baby will decide how things would happen.

If she cried, they would let us see her.

If not, they would hand her right through the window to the NICU.

 

The delivery was...

I don't know how to describe it.

At first we were scared. 

There are a lot of things to be scared about.

Yet we felt an incredible amount of peace.

Thayne had given her a blessing and we all felt really positive about everything.

But we knew we were still looking at some pretty scary stuff

with a 9 week premature baby.

 

It came time to push.

This was all new to Kassi.

It was hilarious.

She kind of blew out her breath twice,

and there SHE was!

I almost panicked.

She wasn't breathing and I didn't want Kassi to witness the trauma

of seeing your baby your baby go through all it took to get her breathing.

I looked at her again and it was almost shock...

I felt her.

It was like she was stunned...

"What just happened???"

And then she opened her eyes,

still not taking a breath,

but for a split second I felt the room fill up with light,

and I FELT her little spirit say,

"Don't worry... I've got this!"

 

She was beautiful.

So perfect!

 

They handed her through the window and started to work on her.

Chris said,  "Is that it?  That wasn't nearly as scarring as I heard it would be!"

Kassi said, "Am I done?"

I laughed and started to tell her she still had to deliver the placenta,

but then it was done, before I could finish.

So I told her she was done!

Or maybe she was just beginning!

Life would never be the same!

And we still didn't have a name for that sweet little Avocado.

 

Eventually they decided on Thea Jayde.

They name fits her perfectly.

Our little warrior princess. 

3lbs 10oz and 17 inches of perfection.

Grandpa was able to get in and give her a blessing right away,

and in no time at all she was off oxygen,

and showing everyone what a fighter she is.

 

7 weeks later she was able to come home.

Kassi spent her days pumping and holding that baby girl.

Chris worked here and spent the weekends there.

We were all so happy when she was able to be released!

Kassi had promised Noah that he would be the first one to hold her when she came home, because they wouldn't let him in the hospital to see her.

(He thinks it's 'ridiculous' that they won't let little kids in to see babies!)

He was SO happy to finally get to hold her.

 

She started out a tiny little thing, dropped down to 3lbs before she started gaining again.

She is now a healthy and happy little thing.

About 9lbs now.

But boy is she mighty!

We are grateful every... single...day that she is here and healthy.

She is a miracle!!!

The two big bags by Thea's carseat are full of breastmilk.  It was hilarious hauling them out of the hospital!

 

 

Kassi had to have a picture of Thea in the dress she was blessed it!

 

Two Days of Heaven

Kailee has been talking about going to the temple for quite a while.  When Tallin and Jerica decided to get married, she decided she wanted to be there for their sealing and moved forward with going herself.  It seemed like the week leading up to going was full of nothing but stress and darkness.  Of course!  When you are on the path of something so amazing, it seems like you have to walk through the darkness to get there.  But on October 5th, when we walked into the Bountiful Temple, the tough times were put quickly behind us and it was the most incredible experience ever!  Kailee was beaming, smiling from ear to ear and where there was stress and darkness, it was suddenly replaced with nothing but light.  It was nothing short of amazing to be sitting next to her as she experienced so much wonderful! 

We turned around the next day and went with Jerica to the Logan Temple.  Thayne and I got to be the witness couple while she went through and again, it was as close to heaven as we can get on earth.  We had amazing friends come with us and I am so very grateful for the peace that comes when we are in the Temple of God.  It was perfect.  The temple is where heaven meets earth.  I told Kailee I am so excited that I now have a partner to run away to the temple with.  I hope we get to take advantage of it and get to the temple often!

The Wedding! Tallin and Jerica

Tallin and Jerica met quite a while ago. 

 In fact they dated a short time clear back then. 

Life happened, circumstances changed,

 and Jerica felt inspired to reach out to Tallin again. 

We could end the story there...

 

 The rest is history! :) 

 

They started dating again,

 and soon decided that forever sounded like just enough time to be together. 

 On October 14th, 2016 they were married in the Salt Lake Temple. 

 For time and all eternity.

It was a beautiful day.

A beautiful ceremony.

And they deserve nothing more than to be in love, for always!

Tallin graduated from ITT Tech in June and is still working for our company.

Jerica recently started at a local car dealership.

They have an apartment not far from us.

 

I cannot wait to see what the future holds for them!