God Chooses the Crucible In Which We Are Tried

Tonight I was watching one of my favorite LDS movies, Emma Smith: My Story. I could watch it every week. But tonight something really hit me at the end of the movie. It was a quote that said that God chooses the crucible in which we are tried. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't know exactly why it hit so hard... I have said before that I have never felt the need to blame God when we are going through trials because I feel strongly that we are sent here to be tried. But lately I have felt, well, I guess I have felt the weight of depression and sometimes I wish it is something that could be cast aside forever... never to come back! But I have felt for a long time that this may be the one thing that I deal with forever in one form or another. I asked Thayne one time what I could do to get rid of it, to be done with it! He said that maybe I wasn't supposed to get over it because it gives me sympathy, and compassion for others who deal with it in one form or another. I guess that is what is important about our trials... that we aren't supposed to pick what they are, we just get to keep walking through them trusting that the Lord is working to make us the best we can be. So, after I heard the quote, I 'googled' it to see what I could find... and I found something written about Abraham, and his trials. That was a pretty big test. Take your son, the one that you waited years for, and sacrifice him! "Take now thy son." The thought was 'now'... and how we debate, how we know that something is right but how we find a million reasons to argue about it or put it off. It talks about how we have to have our will in line with the will of God and that every test is a test of will before we actually follow through. So how did Abraham react? He acted NOW. He didn't argue, and really, what parent wouldn't. I think had it been me I would have been standing there demanding an explanation. WHAT? How could you promise something and then demand that I give it back. Oh wait... isn't that what we are all asked? I am given agency... and then, the only thing really asked in return is to react 'now' when I am asked. I was 'talking' to Tallin through emails today and he spoke about how we do not receive our miracles until a trial of our faith. Faith proceeds the miracle. Faith comes first. Miracles do not give us faith. Faith brings miracles! Abraham got up and went where the Lord told him, he didn't argue and he didn't try to understand through the eyes of 'flesh'. He just did! I have seen in my life when I just trust, that the Lord knows best. I felt that peace that day on the life flight trip with Nate, when I realized that I was nothing and that the Lord was everything and that He had greater plans than I did for both myself, and Nate! There was peace in that moment, even though there were storms raging around me. I didn't know the outcome of the situation, but I knew the real outcome was the only one that mattered. I don't get to choose my trials. God chose the crucible in which I would be tried. But I get to choose how I will react to those trials. This quote is what really hit me....

"Abraham did not choose the sacrifice. Always guard against self-chosen service for God; self-sacrifice may be a disease. If God has made your cup sweet, drink it with grace; if He has made it bitter, drink it in communion with Him. If the providential order of God for you is a hard time of difficulty, go through with it, but never choose the scene of your martyrdom. God chose the crucible for Abraham, and Abraham made no demur; he went steadily through. If you are not living in touch with Him, it is easy to pass a crude verdict on God. You must go through the crucible before you have any right to pronounce a verdict, because in the crucible you learn to know God better. God is working for His highest ends until His purpose and man's purpose become one."

I realize that my purpose isn't as 'high' as God's. So in order for my purpose to become one with His, it is probably me that needs to look at things differently. If I were the one to pick my 'crucible' I surely wouldn't make of myself what the Lord wants me to be. We often pass that crude verdict thinking that what is asked of us is too hard. But I am slowly learning that nothing is too hard... when the Lord is in charge! I guess I am needing to be refined more... I know that one day the darkness that often descends will be gone for good. But for now I am grateful for those moments where the sun shines through the dark clouds and I get to see the beauty of the light shining through... it gives me hope that one day I will be what I am supposed to be and that one day I will not doubt when I am told 'now'.