Just a number?

Today in church a sweet older lady shared her testimony. As she shared her thoughts I couldn't help but relate to it in a very different way. She was #15 in her family and she talked about always feeling like a number. She said that she often felt like her mom didn't know her, that people at church only recognized her as just one of that family and how because of that she didn't feel like her Heavenly Father truly knew her either. She said that when her mom was mad she would yell at them without getting their name right. I heard my kids laugh and I wondered to myself what they were thinking... interesting though, my first thought was kind of laughing to myself that I ALWAYS get it right when I am mad at them! Funny, that was the same thing they said when we were talking tonight during Family Home Evening. That I always get their names right when I am mad at them! One of my first thoughts was a little annoyance because that is such a typical thought that members of a large family are somehow a number, or not remembered or known. I have friends with far less children that sometimes call their kids by the dog's name! I sometimes mess up the names, but it is not because I don't know the child... it's because I am human! But I understood her pain. I used to wonder when I was young how Heavenly Father could know me personally, and I wondered how I could do enough to have Him recognize me and accept me. To me, I learned a very clear lesson that Heavenly Father knows me personally and loves me, because of my large family. Thayne and I were talking about this and he said that when she said she felt like she was #15 that he had to think, "Who IS #15??? Oh, yeah, that is Nate and he is sitting on my lap!!!" He said he hasn't ever felt like they were numbers, but that he knows them each individually, how they will react, how they will feel, how they will think about something in any given situation. It is true. I know that Garrett and Jace will react to a situation in completely different ways, that Kailee and Kassi will handle being scolded completely opposite of the other... not that anyone is better or worse, just that each of our children will react to a situation in a different way because they ARE different. They each have different strengths and weaknesses and they are each on the path in a different place! I learned by knowing each of my children that a perfect Father in Heaven knows me perfectly! For me, the greatest gift I have ever received by having this family was the knowledge that I am loved by my Heavenly Father. I remember how I felt when a lady thought that Hayden was my first because I looked at him like a mom looks at her firstborn child... it hit me so clearly that he was my first Hayden... that I was never having the same child over again, that I was getting the opportunity to know a whole, brand new person for the very first time. That is such a gift! I think the secret is that you have to accept that you are having a child, to raise them as someone who will have their own dreams, their own hopes and their own experiences. I see parents who try so hard to hold on to their children and make decisions based on what they expect of them, or maybe more accurately they expect their children to live the life that they, themselves have chosen to live. I watch my kids grow up, start lives of their own and it isn't my place to demand that they do, or do not do something because I think it is best. We are here to gain experience and to grow by living our lives the way we each think we should... not live through someone else. We can't gain experience if we aren't allowed to grow on our own.

I guess the one thing I want my kids to always know is that I have never seen you as a number... I have seen you as an individual with your very own personality and with your very own set of strengths and weaknesses and I am also very grateful for all that I have learned by being your mom! I think that you have taught me far more than I will ever teach you... and because of each of you I have a greater appreciation for my Heavenly Father, and am so grateful that because of each of you I have learned that He knows me personally and loves me perfectly. That is such a gift, to know that you are loved. And I want you to know that you ARE loved, as completely and perfectly as it is possible with my imperfect self, I love you! I understand what this sweet lady was saying, but I mostly feel sad that anyone ever has to feel that way in a family and that I hope to never leave any of you feeling that way! Thank you for teaching me about unconditional love!!! I am blessed to be your mom!