21 Years Ago Today....

I became a mom. At 2:01am on the 26th of February, 1987 I gave birth to a bouncing baby boy weighing in at 9lbs 10oz and 21 1/2 inches long. I had been in labor for days but the morning of the 25th I started having serious pains. Thayne was working for a title company as an escrow officer. He had gone to the banks and stopped by to check on me before he went to the office 30 miles away. I had started having pains that took my breath away and asked him if he would rather take me to the doctor. I was delivering at a hospital about an hour and a half away and after the doctor checked me he sent me to the hospital. It always amazes me that I can go back in time just like it was yesterday and remember everything about the day my children were born. My parents had come to the hospital and my dad and Thayne were eating KFC and teasing me while I sucked on ice chips. My mom was not handling the fact that her daughter might be in pain and was in the hall looking for somebody to take away my pain. I was just so excited to be having the baby that I didn't care about the pain. I just wanted to hold that baby!!! They had become concerned that the baby was large and weren't sure if I was going to be able to deliver him, so when it came time to push they had given me an epidural and moved me to an OR in case we needed to have a c-section. By the time they told me to push I was going to do what I had to in order to get that baby out! The doctor used forceps, but told me I was a pro at pushing and out came this big eyed, brown haired 'big' little man. I will never forget the look on Thayne's face. He was so proud I thought his buttons would pop right off his shirt... talk about a proud daddy. I can see that moment as clearly as the picture I have of Garrett in his arms. He couldn't wait to show his son off! Giving Thayne a son was a joy to me. We had talked about having a large family from the first time we went out. Thayne was so excited and such a good dad. I loved being a mom. It was everything I had dreamed of and then some. It is amazing to me how much you can truly love another human being. I was more deeply in love with Thayne because of the life we had created. And I fell so completely in love with Garrett... I grew a new heart that day. I loved dressing him up, with a baseball cap and sun glasses as we went for a walk around town. I loved showing him off. I loved everything about being his mom.

I look back and am amazed at how quickly the time has gone. I was younger than he is now when I became his mom. The years have flown by so quickly. Garrett has been gone for 2 years serving his mission. I sent out a child. In 9 days he comes home. I look forward to getting to know the man he has become.

Happy birthday son! You taught me what it means to love somebody so completely that you would give your life for them!!! I was so young, and so naive about being a mom. The moments pass so quickly and because of what I learned by being Garrett's mom, I try to enjoy each moment, each stage of life as my children grow up. I learned that I can't blink... one moment they are tiny newborns in my arms for the first time. And then I am sending them off and watching them start lives of their own.

To do... to do... so much to do!

Why is it that when you have the most to do, something comes up.... like a MIGRAINE! I have not had a migraine for months. There are times when I have them daily for months on end, but I have not had one for months. And now, when I have a million things to do, I have one!!! Garrett comes home next week. NEXT WEEK. My oldest son has been gone for 2 full years. And now he is coming home. And we will be blessing Nathaniel. Which means we will have a house FULL of people and my house is out of control. It looks like I haven't been on top of my game for oh, 2 1/2 months or so! Maybe since before Nate was born... definately since we started having problems with him. I expect to get things done and then I get side tracked. Like pumping. I pump so Nate has my milk. But that means I stop everything and pump. I realize that I would be nursing if Nate could nurse, but that's different... why? I don't know. It just is! This week will be gone. It's a crazy week. Deb is staying with me from Tuesday through the end of the week. I will get nothing done, I know it. We have pack meeting tomorrow night and somehow I got the assignment of making food for it. I didn't even want to go!!! Aren't I a horrible mother? And I will be late for it which means another night of divide and conquer because Kalli has an appointment for her last Hep B shot she has to have for school that somehow got overlooked. And Thayne has a complete physical for tomorrow night also. So I get to make the food and make sure it gets there and make sure the kids get there and then rush back for the meeting after the doctor appointment and of course they are never running on time. And I will have to find time to pump in between all of the running. Thank goodness I can pump in the car! :) Don't tell anyone. I'm sure the truckers would get an eyeful if they knew what I was doing. Thank goodness for electric pumps that you can just plug into the car and go! Probably not a good idea to do it while driving but well... multi-tasking is a must sometimes! I am working on laundry again. When don't I work on laundry? I'm just tired. Overwhelmed.... down right maxed out. My sister gave me a massage and facial for my birthday. YEP... I am calling tomorrow and setting it up. I need some relief. My neck aches like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I'm really not, but sometimes it feels like it!

I guess I should go start another load of laundry. But then I think I am going to forget organizing the bills and beat Thayne at a game of bowling on the Wii..... yep, that could relieve some stress!!! :)

Nathaniel's FEES test and other things that go bump in the night...

This has been a busy week. I'm glad it's Friday... DATE NIGHT!!! :) Tuesday Thayne and I went over to Salt Lake for a wedding. We came home and packed to leave the next day for Salt Lake. Nathaniel's FEES test was Thursday morning. I am not sure how I feel about the results. I could see great improvements. They put a small camera down his nose and we are able to see his throat and then watch him swallow milk with blue food coloring in it. We had prayed, fasted and Nate was given a beautiful Priesthood blessing on Sunday and I guess I just wanted him to be done with all of this. I wanted the tube to be removed and I wanted to be able to nurse my baby. Of course that didn't happen and there are moments I feel like I am spinning down into the depths of depression again. I am sure in many ways I just havae to mourn the loss of having a 'normal' experience with this child. I can't just cuddle him up in the middle of the night and nurse him. I can't pack him around the house with me as I go from room to room. I can't put him in a car seat and run to the store. I WANT to be able to do that. I WANT him to be able to enjoy the comfort of nursing. I want him to swallow normally and not hurt. I want him to be okay. My heart hurts to think how sick he was. How could we not have known? Is it something that I did? Could I have figured it out sooner? But then I have to turn it around and have gratitude that he is alive. That he was spared over and over while we figured it out. He is a true miracle. His is our gift. He has brought so much to our family. I know that in each trial there are so many more gifts. He is a gift to our family. The love the kids and Thayne and I have for him is overwhelming. He has taught his siblings things that he won't ever be able to understand.

But he is healing!!! It was like a night and day difference. The inflamation was gone and the damage was healing. Milk still was able to leak into the airways which puts him at a high risk of aspirating again or getting pnuemonia. So the tube stays. He is weaning off oxygen slowly but surely and did great yesterday off it for many hours. I see the blessings. They are real. He will be whole and he is strong and growing and doing so well. More miracles.

And while we were gone there was an earthquake about 40 miles from here. It shook the house. The kids felt it. The funny thing was that Kailee was in early morning seminary. They were discussing 1 Kings, aboout how the earth quaked, and then fire and then the still small voice. And they were discussing the last days and how the earth would shake... and the earth started shaking!!!! Talk about an object lesson they will never forget!!! :) I would have loved to see the kids' faces! The exact moment they said the earth would shake, and they feel it! Nobody was injured but there was a lot of damage in the little town it happened in . Last night while I was pumping there were some aftershocks and I could feel the bed moving 3 different times. All night Kami kept telling me if the earth shook again she would get in the doorway. She was so funny telling us about it! We really missed out on the excitement. It's not everyday you get to feel the earth shake!

Surprise!!!

In all the years I have known my husband he has never been able to surprise me. EVER! I knew when he was going to propose. I never have gotten a surprise gift... and quite honestly, I hate surprises. My brother and I used to open our gifts before Christmas and then carefully wrapped them back up and my mom never knew it until years later. People always say that finding out the sex of your baby ruins the surprise, like opening a Christmas present early. I laughed... because I DID open my gifts early and I am more excited about knowing than I've ever been not knowing. But TONIGHT he pulled one over on me!!!

A few years ago my dearest friend moved to Alaska. Deb and I have been through a lot together. We are like sisters. She is moving back to Washington but her son still lives here and is getting married next week. I was helping her son plan his wedding and teased him that he should tell his mom to come early for my birthday. (Today is my birthday.) He told me that if anyone could get her here early, I could. I had called her and told her to come early but she said she couldn't and I didn't think anymore about it. Thayne told me that he was going to be late because of meetings tonight at work, but to meet me in for dinner. I got there not long after he did. He was waiting outside and we walked in and he said he already had us a seat. We walked in and I am wondering where the seat was, all of the tables were filled. And then... he stopped in front of a table with somebody sitting there. That somebody was Deb!!! I have never been so shocked in my life! I couldn't believe it!!! She DID surprise me. She came early to take me out to dinner for my birthday. Finally.... after 21 1/2 years of marriage my husband actually surprised me!

All day I kept thinking it was just another day. But this time, my birthday was really special!!!!! Happy birthday to me! :)

Where do they learn this stuff?

I think my kids are just funny. But sometimes I think I am ruining them. They hear too much, they say too much, they act too much like ME! :) But they just crack me up and I am so glad to be their mom!

Kami is 3. She thinks she rules the roost. It probably doesn't help that everyone makes her think that she is incredibly wonderful. She's just spoiled! But she is so darn cute! The other day she asked if we got to keep all of Nate's doctor stuff! She thinks it is really cool that we have 'doctor stuff' in the house for Nathaniel. But she gets up in the morning and asks me, "Is this the day our home health nurse comes?" Apparently this makes us a really special home... that the home health nurse comes and weighs Nate and checks his feeding tube. We are really cool because we have our very own home health nurse! :) And when the phone rings her new favorite saying is, with a flip of her hand and head, "Don't answer that... it's just a toll free!" Obviously we are getting wayyyyy too many toll free numbered phone calls, and she hears us saying that far too often!

And Willie came into the computer room yesterday and told me that he couldn't wait for the big state test they have to take for 5th grade. I asked him if he is crazy and he said, "Nope... I'm just smart!" I told him to have some humility and he said, "But mom, it's true, I am smart. I am the only kid in my class that likes those tests, and I aced my math test when the rest of the class had to retake it but I aced it... you know, 100%! I AM smart mom!" Okay, so we can't argue with facts, but sheesh... humility goes a long way son!!!

Everyday they say something that just makes me smile. They are funny, and they really ARE smart. And they are fun. Hyrum asks me if he will still be mommy's boy when he is 55 and a million. I tell him even when he is 55 and a million he can be my boy. That makes him happy! And he said that since he will be 55 and a million, Nate will be 50 and a million and he can be a momma's boy too!!!

Kids are amazing!

Nate's FEES test and other interesting news! :)

We were able to schedule Nathaniel's FEES test. It is scheduled for the 21st at 9am. We are praying for miracles, that he has healed enough that he can get the tube removed. But right now we have absolutely no idea if it will happen, how long we can expect the tube in or anything else. He is slowly being weaned off the oxygen, but will likely have it for a while at least at night. We are starting to get some sleep. Though I napped for 3 hours yesterday so I am assuming I am still playing catch up from the lack of sleep I have had over the past few weeks. We are hoping everyone keeps him in their prayers so we can get him off of the tube and able to eat normally. I don't know what it means exactly but he has started burping, something he has never done since he was born. And he is sucking the life out of his binkie and looking for food. I can't imagine it would be very comfortable to always have an empty stomach!

On another note, Kassi and Tanner are counting down till their 14th and 18th birthdays... 24 days! Which means we only have 24 days until Garrett gets home from Puerto Rico. After 2 years, we only have 24 days until he gets home! WOW!!! In so many ways 2 years has gone by extremely fast. In other ways it feels like the world has changed in those 2 years so much. I have had some of my biggest ups, and my biggest downs in the past 2 years, but it will be so wonderful to hug my oldest son again! WOW!

Love between siblings...

From the beginning, I have always been amazed at the love my kids have for each other. The first time Garrett climbed up on the couch to talk to and hold Jace just left me amazed. And then when Garrett thought he could nurse Kimi to quiet her when she was crying. I just love watching kids together. Big kids with babies are especially sweet. One night when we first brought Nathaniel home Tanner had come in from a movie. He was the only one up and I still hadn't gotten ready for bed so he asked if he could hold Nate. I came out of my room and saw him just staring at his sweet little brother and rubbing the ear that looks just like Tanner's ear. I was amazed when I saw Garrett holding Kami when she was a newborn with a tear in his eye, or the day he left on his mission while she was playing with his hand and smiling up at him, he was crying at the thought of being away from her for 2 years. I love to watch the girls as they giggle and conspire and hang out together. I love to watch the boys out building a fort or playing 'walkie talkie' or them sledding together coming to a stop at the bottom of the hill in a heap of legs, arms and laughing! Or how Hayden always called Kami, "My precious". I was especially touched when Jace came over to the hospital to bring our car after we were taken by life flight to Salt Lake. He would stand over the bed for hours watching Nate. Anytime the monitors went off he jumped up and would tell Nate to get better and come home. He texted me one day and said to send him a picture of Nate. Amazing how modern technology makes it possible to send a picture through a phone in an instant. He told me that Nate wanted to come home to him. I told him he needed to pray harder to get him home and he said he couldn't, that there was only 24 hours in a day for him to pray. The first place he goes in the morning is to Nate, and the last place he goes at night is to say good night to him. I am amazed at how every single one of the kids are obsessed with watching over Nate. The school teachers say they get daily updates on him. Yesterday Kailee was at a doctor's office and the nurse asked her if she wanted kids since she came from a large family. Kailee said she was going to have 15 but now will have 16 because she was going to have one more than me! :) This is the child that can single handedly run the house while I am gone. My mom always tells me I have given my children the greatest gift, and the greatest challenge in their siblings. A gift because it is apparent how they adore each other... the challenge, because they are truly so connected that it is hard for them to want to leave!!!! I love how they cherish one another and hope that they always stay that close!

The reason why I am MAD!

There are some things about having a large family that are frustrating! And my kids wonder why I am mad today. Really, I am doing well at keeping control of my frustration but it must have been showing when Tanner walked in and said, "Are you alright mom?" What do I say? Sarcastically I could have said, "Oh yes son, I am just wonderful... I love washing clothes that were never even worn and then dumped onto the laundry room floor because it was easier than doing it right the first time!" But I just glared at him and told him I was tired. That was the truth... I AM tired and it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I only slept for about an hour and a half last night. Today I am tired of LAUNDRY! Now, I have to admit that I have not been at the top of my game lately. December was crazy because of Christmas and being very pregnant. January started out okay but I wasn't back into the swing of things before Nathaniel had his problems and quite honestly, my life seems to revolve around him, pumping and keeping up with kids and not much else. So I have not been in control of the laundry like I should be. But could somebody please explain to me why my laundry room always has to look like the shock and awe bombs exploded in it??? Why do we live like piggies even though we are as human as the family next door? What makes a child decide they want to walk in, open a drawer, dig through to find what they want and then dump everything else on the floor? Oh, and let's not forget that we will then throw a wet towel on it or something! Forget that... I get it, they are kids. But it is so frustrating to me that sometimes I want to scream.... nope, I take that back. Sometimes it makes me so mad that I DO scream!

So... here is what I did today between pumping, taking care of babies, trying to actually clean the house also, and even going to town to have lunch with Jace because he called and asked me to meet him since he got picked for jury duty again! :) Oh, and the socks, well, I just dumped them on the floor and am slowly working on matching the FOUR laundry baskets of unmatched socks. Yes... this is exactly what my mom warned me about!!! Laundry! Gotta love it! And sadly, this is not even a fraction of what ISN'T done downstairs! I can't wait to get my second set!

One set just isn't enough at our house.

Happy Birthday William Kade!

11 years ago today my sweet Willie Kade was born. He is amazing! He is one of the original 'bandit boys'.... in fact he IS the original bandit boy! It's hard to believe that the kind hearted, sweet young man he is now was the cause of most of my daily stress for years! We joked that anyone that would name their kids, Willie, Wyatt and Hayden deserved to be tormented they way they tormented me. The first time I knew I was really in trouble with him was not long after we brought Wyatt home from the hospital. I was in my room making my bed and talking to a friend in Montana. Willie had walked into my room and then into my bathroom that is open and connected to my bedroom. There wasn't much he could do to cause trouble in there and I could see him most of the time anyway. But then it got quiet. Any mom knows what it means when a child is 'too' quiet. I walked around the corner and there he stood with his hands at the bottom of a once brand new, now completely empty Vaseline jar. A LARGE jar! His head was covered. He had brand new Osh Kosh overalls on and a brand new cute, black and white flannel shirt on. I couldn't believe my eyes. I knew it was going to be a MESS to clean up. I told my friend and she laughed and said I had to get a picture. Of course since I take millions of pictures I was already thinking that and I told Willie, "Don't move... I am going to get the camera to take a picture of your LAST DAY on earth!" He just smiled and didn't move a muscle. I came back in with the camera and that little stinker looked up, smiled at me and said, "Cheeeeeeeeeessssssseeeeeeeeeee!" Really, you can't even be mad when a one year old is that adorable! It took some scrubbing, but we finally cleaned him off! And, in case anyone ever needs to know how to get Vaseline out of new Osh Kosh overalls and a cute little flannel shirt.... spray it with a stain remover and then dump baking soda on it. Let it sit, rub it in and then wash in hot water. :) That was just the beginning of my madness with him. There were days that all I did was clean up messes he made. I remember one long horrible day in particular he had dumped a gallon of milk and red kool aid and a 5 lb bag of sugar on my kitchen floor. I had just cleaned that up when he smeared himself in shortening and dumped the flour bucket over him. I was so angry I put him in my shower to play while I cleaned up that mess. After he was clean, I stood him on a chair, walked literally 20 steps, around a corner to get a diaper for him and came back to find him with his hands at the bottom of a large peanut butter jar, with peanut butter from head to toe. I LOST IT! I picked him up, stuck him back in the shower, cleaned him off, put the diaper I still had in my hand on him and hauled him to his crib, told him I couldn't take any more that day and it would be better if he just STAYED in the crib. There was peace in my house for a couple of hours and I managed to get some things done that day. But I won't tell you what I found in his room after I went to get him out from his nap... let's just say he was diaperless again!!! He managed to find every mud puddle available anywhere in our yard and come back into the house dripping mud from head to toe. He was my challenge! But he is oh so sweet. He has pretty much grown out of his bandit days. But he is still quite the joker. Now he is growing up. I am not ready for that either, but he is sure sweet. He takes care of me and always checks on me to see if I am okay. The night we almost lost Nathaniel he stood next to me, patting me on the back and making sure that I was okay also. I am amazed by him.

Willie was named after my uncle Willie. Willie was 17 months older than me and passed away December 29, 1986. I loved Willie. My mom said that my first words were about Willie. She said we had been at the park riding on the merry-go-round and when my dad got home that day I told him, "Daddy, daddy, me and Willie went round and round." Willie also had the biggest heart. He didn't always make the best choices but his heart was so good. I miss him even today and wonder what his life would have been like had he lived. I was pregnant with my first baby when he died. Willie was so excited about me having a baby and used to take me out for strawberry shortcake. I know Willie would have loved my Willie! I had this strong feeling that one day I would have a Willie of my own. But each time I was pregnant with a boy my mom would ask if this one was Willie and I always knew it wasn't.... and then my grandma got cancer. We knew it was getting close to the end. About 2 1/2 weeks before she died I was able to be with her, tell her I love her and tell her goodbye. I told her to tell Willie to hurry and send my Willie to me. She told me she would tell him. I found out the day that she died that I was pregnant. I KNEW it was my Willie the second I found out I was pregnant. And he has been a joy from the day he was born!!!

So, happy birthday my little bandit boy. I love you! I am enjoying watching him become a wonderful young man. He is amazing with wonderful qualities that will make him a wonderful man one day. I love watching him grow. He is the one that came home from school one day and asked me if I would be mad if he only had 6 kids one day. I teased him but told him that it was up to him how many kids he had one day. He got very serious and said, "Oh NO mom, I want LOTS of kids, but the girls these days! I don't know if I can find one that will have more than 6!" I laughed so hard. I told Thayne later I didn't know what was funnier.... that we had made this child believe that 6 kids was a small family... or what in the world was a 2nd grader doing, going around asking girls how many children they would be willing to have?!

It's just going to be one of those days!!!!!!!!!!

You know the type... the days when as a mom you are just going to lose what's left of your ever loving mind!!!! Yep, that's me. It's a snow day. 'Nuff said! We went years without ever having a snow day. Just this week we have had 2 days of 2 hour delay starts, and yesterday they got out 2 hours early, and today is a snow day! The second snow day of the year. It snowed. Is that a reason?? Sheesh. It's only 9:30 in the morning and there is screaming, running, pounding, and I think somebody got their fingers smashed. Obviously not enough that blood is present or medical intervention is necessary, but I heard about it all the same. They were up when the phone started ringing at 5:30am telling us it was called off. So really, half the day should be over now instead of just starting, and I am ready for bed. There are moments when I absolutely adore having every child under the same roof. More often than not that is the case. Very rarely do we have real fights in this house. But today... oh today, I am ready to blow. Today is not one of those fuzzy, warm, "I love being the mom of a mega sized family" kind of days! Today is one of those days when I wake up thinking, "Did I really think having 15 kids was a good idea????" :) Okay, I know I will get over it, but if Bummy doesn't stop crying, if Kinzee doesn't stop tattling, if they use all of my hot water before I get a shower, I am just going to check myself into the funny farm when I go to town. And I have to go to town because I have to return my brother in law's big truck. Thayne and I met my sister and bil, and brother and sil in town for dinner. And the snow started, and it fell, and fell, and fell. The problem with that is we live over the summit, a very HIGH summit, that we have to go over in order to get home. And it was blowing, and drifting, and snowing. And we couldn't get the car through it, so we turned around and took their truck home. But hey... I can say it is probably fair to assume that right now my kids have driven me to drink and I am headed to the store to get a Pepsi and some Excedrin!!! I'm pulling out the big stuff today. Caffeine! Yep, I've gone over the edge! :)

Tomorrow will be another day and I will count my many blessings and be grateful for each and every one of their amazing personalities. But today I am crazy!!! :)