Tube free... if only for a minute!

So... for just a moment today Nate looked like a real boy! ;-) haha (We always tease Nate that someday he will be without tubes like a real boy) I can't believe how horrible I was today. We had an appointment for Nate at the doctor because Tuesday when the home health nurse came she thought she heard something in his lungs. He always sounds like his chest rattles because he doesn't swallow his saliva. She had me freaked out. We were in a hurry as usual because I had to pick Kailee up from school and get into town to the doctor. I had taken him off the pump and thought the tubing was all wound up and on top of him in his carseat. I got the kids out of the car and pulled his carseat out of the base and the tube caught. Somehow it had slid down and got caught between the base and the seat. I am always so careful and cautious. But nope... the whole darn tube came out! I was so upset. But at least we were at the doctor and didn't have to sit hours in the ER this time.

I am still just so frustrated with the health care we are getting. I love our pediatrition, but she is a hometown ped who specializes in just that... pediatrics. So this specialized care is a little out there. They ask if I have another tube. Another tube??? Is this something I should be packing around? And nobody has the adhesive remover so that we don't have to pull skin off from the tape. They don't even have the tender grips to hold the tube in place under tegaderm tape. They called every medical supply store in town. Nobody has one!!! She called Dr B at Primary's and they said that they could use the old one since it had only been in a week. I go over to radiology and they get us in and start inserting it under x-ray. Of course he is not happy and is thrashing around. I was sick to my stomach watching and trying to hold him. Finally the tech tells me that it's curled in his stomach. I said, "Great, but it's an NJ tube and can't be in his stomach." They asked ME where it was supposed to be. HUH? So I told them. They ask me if I have the wire thing that is with the new tubes so it can be placed properly. LOOK............. do I look like a medical supply store??? NOT! If I had it all I am pretty sure I would have offered it up. So they had to go looking to find what they need. Finally it is in place only what do we do to tape it down???? Seriously, this is what they ask me!!! I told them just to give me some tape to temporarily get me out the door and home and I would take care of it.

But, for a few precious moments he was tube free. Cute as a bug and without any trace of a problem. So Kailee and I were snapping pictures on the cell phones in the doctor's office. Hyrum and Kami thought it was great and were up on the table with him giving him loves and kisses without that darn old tube! Oh I can't wait for the day when he is tube-free for good. He is such a precious little man and I want nothing more than to nurse him and pack him around and be, well...just normal. Whatever that is!!!

More answers.... more questions....

Nothing about Nate's situation seems to be easy. We finally met with the GI clinic yesterday and while we got some questions answered, we left with even more questions. He is in the 1% for his weight/height and age. Gee, really? This is no shock to me. He is finally the size that Garrett was when he was born! (To be fair, Garrett was HUGE when he was born, but that is for a newborn, not a 3 month old.) But we met with the nutritionist who was able to help us get the right amount of food for him and she taught me how to re-evaluate after each weight check to make sure he is getting enough. It is so frustrating. I have asked and asked and only once did his doctor up the amount. So, while he is only in the 1%, I am going to make sure he keeps growing and gets to where he needs to be! We also will have to watch his medicine amounts since those have to be adjusted as he grows! I felt like we at least made progress there. The thing that bothers me is when I was talking about his FEES test they asked what that was!!! WHAT???!!! This is an absolute necessary test to determine when/if he can have the tube removed and they don't know! She said that they get a little narrow sighted in specialized fields. That seems a little too narrow sighted if you ask me. Shouldn't you work with ALL areas in order to best care for a child? What do I know, I'm just a mom! It's hard to find doctors that seem to actually care about the individual. Our family practice doctors in Utah always cared about EVERYTHING but they are overworked and probably feel underpaid (though Dr S joked that he got to add an extra wing onto his house just from our family's business!!!).

Now... on to the questions. Nate was given a test to determine if he had CF. It came back negative. However they also sent a blood sample in for DNA testing. The results came back that he is likely a carrier. But nobody has been able to tell us if that has anything to do with his problems or if it just so happened that since they tested for everything it showed up that he is a carrier but the problem still comes from his reflux/dysphasia. We now get to go for genetic testing. The doctor first made the comment about how his future siblings would likely have problems. HUH???? ;-o We said he has 14 siblings and none of them have problems!!! After she went through the whole shock and awe thing she said there wa no way this could be genetic if NONE of the others had the problem. She gave us copies of the reports which we will follow up on since if he does happen to have it he will need to treat it also but SHEESH! This is really a pain. Why can't we just get in and get the answers we need without being told it's all a waiting game??? The doctor's report said:

"Laboratory results sent to me as a CF Medical Director. Patient is at the very least a carrier for CF. Patient could be affected. Mother should have testing done at AMBRY to evaluate for presence of the two known mutations as well as the novel variation. If all three are not detected in the mother, the child may be an affected individual. If the mother carries all three, this does not preclude the possibility that the family could have other affected children if the father is a carrier. Genetic counselling is recommended for the family and children. This information was shared with the attending of record... Dr was also told to contact our office if family felt they needed further evaluation and treatment."

Since nobody seems to know what any of that means, and since none of the other kids have any signs of problems, they are basically dumbfounded and want to test everyone (at great cost I might add!). Funny, my dad is being seen by a tourette's specialist who said she would give anything to be able to study my family since I have several kids that have different tendancies towards tourette's though not a severe case of it at all. So, I think if they are all so blasted desperate to do a case study on my family... then they can get some kind of funding and do it themselves!!! ;)

So basically we have answers to the very basic questions of what should we do in order to help him gain and thrive. But we have more questions than answers when it comes to what is really causing this, is there more problems than we can see and what should we do about it all!!! ARGH! How did we dodge the bullet 14 other times and then get one that tests us in more ways that I dare count. Yet... I would do it all over in a heartbeat! He is the most incredibly beautiful baby with the sweetest spirit. He is a gift to our family in too many ways to count. His name means Gift from God and he shows us in everyway possible that he is truly a gift and we wouldn't trade a moment of it! For whatever reason he was sent to us, it was to teach us and help us grow and stretch beyond what we thought we could. I realize that in the beginning I thought I could never do some of the things that I am now doing without even thinking about it. I know that each life that touches ours is for a reason and I am grateful that he gets to be part of our lives! He is so loved, so cherished and so protected. He has brought more to this family than I ever believed possible. So while he has brought us challeges, he brought us growth and the ability to love and serve beyond ourselves. What an amazing and special little man!!!

Just an update...

I guess sometimes I should just forget what I 'plan' to do and just realize that I will never get the things I want to do done. EVER!!! It's just not in the cards for me to make a to-do list and actually do anything on it! I had great plans on Wednesday to get my house really cleaned. I had nothing to do but an appointment at 3pm. That should give me lots of time to get everything finished, dinner done and celebrate Jace's birthday before Tanner and I took off to Salt Lake so we could be there for Nathaniel's 8am FEES test. Nope... it wasn't in the cards! I decided to get started on the kitchen that was still a mess from the night before because, it seems that Garrett and Jace thought we were joking when we told them they were on the chore chart for Tuesday night to do the kitchen. I mean, they eat here, but why would they believe they needed to CLEAN anything! ;-) Kailee wanted to get Nate bathed and dressed. She kept commenting that his feeding tube looked more yellow. As we are getting him ready for the bath, we realized that it looked more yellow because the purple mark that is supposed to be at his nose was down to his knees! Somehow it had come out during the night. We think it was from all of the coughing and gagging he had going on from the sickness/gunk! Of course that meant turning off his feeding and heading to the ER to have it put back into place and an x-ray to determine if it is in the proper place. And you know going to the ER means WAITING, WAITING and more WAITING!!! When they finally got around to putting it back in (which wasn't fun to hear him gagging and screaming... I don't know, call me crazy but as a mom, listening to your child cry is NEVER fun!) we had to wait an hour before they would x-ray to make sure it was placed right. And then we waited to have the x-rays read and then FINALLY, several hours later we were free to go. I have to pump every few hours so I rush home to pump and then race back to town for the meeting I had to be at. Spent an hour there, got home and pumped again and tried to pack while dinner was going. Of course that was one of those days when the 19 year old wanted to be 9, the 3 and 5 year old had the run of the house and life was complete chaos. I had asked them to dry some clothes and they didn't. I was not in a happy mood. We finally got to Utah, and got into our hotel room by 1am. I got a couple of hours sleep before I was up and headed to Primary Children's for Nate's appointment. And I have to be honest and admit that I HATE these appointments. I just feel like I have to fight for every tiny step forward we make with him. Like digging into info on the internet and learning that his meds needed to be adjusted as he gained weight. I had to call the doctors and fight for it to be adjusted. And when he stopped gaining weight. Everyone blew it off... wait till next week, probably a fluke. Ummmmm... NO, it is because he came home a 6lb baby so they adjusted his food amount by how much he weighed. No he was a 9 1/2 lb baby and stopped gaining. Maybe, just maybe he needed more food????? A no-brainer to me, but maybe when they became doctors instead of parents they lost their brains??? I don't know! But I had to insist that they re figure his amounts. He went from 22 ml/hour to 27ml/hour. That seemed to do the trick and he is gaining nicely again! He didn't pass the FEES test but his tube had come out several inches again. He did not pull it out. It came out in the night while he slept and his hands were covered. He coughs and gags from the mucous in the night. I'm sure that has NOTHING to do with it. After his FEES test they take us to x-ray. A 20 something year old tech who I'd be willing to bet has NO children asked me about his tube. I told her that three times in the last week the tube has had to be replaced. She then tells me in that voice... "I'm going to give you some pointers so you can be a good mommy and keep him from pulling his tube out." Okay... so maybe I am just hormonal, or maybe it was because I had had maybe 4 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours, but that GOOD MOMMY remark just bugged the heck out of me. Before she could say another word I said, "Well, for the record, he DID NOT pull the tube out. I have long sleeved t-shirts that cover his hands and not once did he pull on the tube, but the coughing and gagging may have had something to do with it.... and second, he's my 15th and I can honestly say I have never been accused of being a bad mommy!!!!" She stared at me for a minute and then had me put him on the table for the x-ray. Then she tells me that some of the 'good mommies' will safety pin the sleeves of the shirts to the pants so the children can't move their arms up to their face to pull on the tube!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told her that THAT did not sound like a good mommy to me!!! Okay, call me stupid but to me, he is going to have enough to deal with learning how to eat again, to swallow, to do normal things... why would I pin his arms down and cause even more developmental delays. SHEEESH! Then, THENNNNNNNN.... it's our turn to go in and see the doctor who will not put the tube in the proper place, but replace it with a new one! I didn't know this. The guy getting things set up tells me that this doctor likes the babies to be wrapped. He got a board out, and then proceeded to wrap Nate's legs with a big Ace Bandage. Then he wants me to hold his arms above his head while he wraps those too. I have to admit my emotions were on the edge and I was not happy about it. So Nate is crying and I am going to give him his binkie because I knew he would settle down. Before I know what the guy was doing he had said something about knowing just how to calm babies down and he plops his binkie in strawberry syrup. HUH??? He had more on the binkie than they had given him during the FEES test that he had FAILED... meaning the milk had gone down onto his vocal cords and he was aspirating it into his lungs. And this MEDICAL professional was no dumping strawberry syrup into my baby's lungs??? I said, "He has dysphasia, he cannot have anything orally!" Before I even finish my sentence he does it AGAIN!!! By now Nate is kind of gagging and breathing hard! He then asks me why the tube, is it for nourishment. NOURISHMENT? Was he for real. Um yes, you see he can't have anything by mouth so it's either this or he starves! REALLY... do they usually give people NJ tubes for the fun of it? I turn to put his clothes and my jacket on a table and he gives him more strawberry syrup. I finally just hold Nate's binkie and calm him by rubbing his belly. Trying to pat his back and help him get everything cleared out. The doctor comes in and talks and can tell I am really upset about this and tells me it would be fine to wait out in the hall. I did, and hear Nate screaming bloody murder! I am not happy about any of this. Pretty soon doc comes out, says it is fine and I go back in to find this man sticking Nate's binkie back in his mouth DRIPPING with this syrup! Nate is gagging now and I jerk the binkie out and tell the man that he CAN NOT, absolutely NOT have anything like that, that he aspirates!!! He says, "I probably put too much on his binkie." Ya think???? I am scared out of my mind that I would have to haul him upstairs and insist they put him on oxygen till he clears his airways. I had left the oxygen at the hotel. I was shaking by the time I got out of there!

We go Monday to the GI clinic and to speak to a dysphagia specialist. I hope we get some answers and some kind of idea about what we are going to do for him. My heart aches. I want him healed. I watched really sick kids in Primary's and my heart aches for every sick child, every parent who has to take their child in knowing that sometimes the cure is worse than the disease! But this is MY baby, and though we have so much to be grateful for... it doesn't make the desire to have him completely well any less!

Gordon Jace

On March 19th at 7:11pm during a BYU basketball game my sweet Gordon Jace was born. I know it was during a BYU basketball game because the nurses wouldn't let me push because the doctor was involved in the game. Maybe that is why he loves watching the game now. It was going in the background as he was born. As I recall... I think BYU won!!! He was so precious to me from the moment of his birth. His big brother Garrett had barely turned 1 and loved him from the moment of birth. They still are the best of friends. I don't think Jace smiled like he does now for the entire 2 years Garrett was on his mission. And now he is 20. WOW! He's always been my friend. From the time he was very small he just had this ability to lift my spirits and the desire to do just that. I suffered from terrible postpartum depression after Tanner was born and there were days that I wondered how I would function with a barely 3, 2 and 1 year old and a newborn. I think that Jace was blessed with the ability to speak so early (he was speaking sentances before he turned one) for me. There were mornings it hurt to climb out of bed. Those mornings Jace seemed to know that I wasn't okay and would come running into my room, climb on my bed and tell me in his squeeky, sweet voice, "I love you mommy... you are sooooooo beautiful!" How could you not be okay when a little man told you that every morning???



The first time Garrett and Jace wrecked our car they were 2 and 3.... they wrecked another car at 18 and 19. I should have known back then that life would never be dull with them in my life! They were too smart for their own good. When their baby brother Tallin was born they snuck into our room one morning and snuck him out of bed. I found them playing forts. They had made a fort under their bed and had Tallin under there with them. They've always been so amazing with their siblings!

The stories I could tell about Jace.... :-) Like the time we were going with grandma and grandpa to visit them in Canada. We lived in Milwaukee then and Jace was 3. He decided he really liked Kerry-Ann. Kerry would later become his aunt but at the time she was a very innocent 16 year old girl! We were on the road and he had to use the bathroom. He's a boy, he can pee anywhere right? No, he needed to go clear down in the trees so no cars could see him. But he didn't want just anybody to help him, he wanted Kerry to help him! Poor Kerry, she was dying thinking she needed to help him, but she was a trooper and walked him off the road and helped him make sure his pants were buttoned up when he was done. Poor girl. We still tease him about that!


It has been such a joy raising Jace. We named him 'Gordon Jace'... Gordon after his grandpa. Jace loves soccer and we had so much fun watching him all through school playing soccer. I've had some fun roadtrips with Jace. He has always been my protector, my friend, and an amazing son. In January when we went by life flight to Salt Lake with Nathaniel, Jace drove the car over the next morning. He sat with us in the hospital room watching over Nate, standing over his crib and helping us in every way. It was such a comfort to have him there with us, and then to know he was home with the kids watching over them while we couldn't be. If I weren't in the room with the baby, he was watching over him and is extremely protective of his tiny baby brother. The first place he goes in the morning is wherever Nathaniel is and the last place he goes at night is to wherever Nate is to say goodnight. He is an amazing young man, an amazing son. And my life is blessed because I got to be his mom!

The Crud....

I am really sick of the crud! Everyone has it. If they don't have it, they will be getting it! You know it will happen. At our house, no matter how much we try, we just can't get by without passing it to somebody. It's just the love we have for each other that makes us want to share everything. We share the good, and we share the bad. This bad started out two weeks ago. Tallin brought it home from the high school (and just wait till I find out who shared it with him!!!) and then proceeded to cough on me. And Nathaniel. I got sick. Very sick. I don't usually get so sick. And you know what happened next.... Nate got it. Luckily his doctor got him right in and got him on meds. I think because we acted so quickly it didn't get as horrible as it would have. But we did have to put him back on oxygen when he started choking on the gunk. Hayden got it, Kailee got it, Garrett got it (of course he did, he just got home in the middle of winter after thinking it was cold when it cooled down to a freezing 71 degrees one day in Puerto Rico.) Willie got it, Kinzee got it... and until last night, I thought maybe Kami would avoid it, but nope, it hit and she is down very sick. She had 105 degree fever today. I told the kids to quit sharing. I hate to turn them away when they want to kiss me goodnight. But I do. More lysol, more handsizer (hand sanitizer) and PLEASE let this pass. I don't have time to be sick! Now if we can keep Thayne healthy. He doesn't have any time to be sick!!! I think I want to run away until the crud passes!

Another special day....

Sunday, March 9th, was Nathaniel's blessing and Garrett gave his homecoming talk in church. It was a really wonderful day. Nathaniel has touched so many lives and it was a very special and sacred day to be able to witness the blessing of this amazing little man. Usually the men stand in a circle and hold the baby in their arms for the blessing but there were so many special men we wanted to share this day with us that it ended up being an oval. What was really fun was seeing Garrett, Jace, Frank and Stetson standing in. Frank and Stetson recently returned off missions also. We have watched them all grow up, and now to see them grown, as honorable men who hold and honor the Priesthood, it was amazing to see them standing in and sharing such an awesome event. Frank's dad and Stetson's dad also stood in and it was just amazing. It was so reverant you could hear a pin drop (that isn't an easy thing to accomplish in a church full of small children!). Nate looked so handsome in his little white tux. Thayne's mom and sister and brother in law were able to come which made the day even sweeter.

Garrett did an excellent job with his talk. Amazing what a bold speaker he has become. When he left he could barely get it together enough to speak, but now it seems to come easy and be something that he enjoys. This truly changed him. He is still the same Garrett, only better now. Just as I hoped he would be!

We then went home and had around 60 or so people over for lunch. The house was packed but it was fun and an all around incredible day. The two families that moved from Puerto Rico were here and it was fun to hear Garrett be able to speak Spanish with them. He speaks it perfectly and I only laugh a tiny bit when I think of how adament he was at not having to learn Spanish in high school. Pay backs are sometimes sweet!!!

Garrett's Homecoming (March 6th)

Things got crazy so it's time to update on Garrett's homecoming! We were late!!! Of course we were late. Why wouldn't we be late? We had what felt like 37 people we were trying to get to the airport on time! :-) Okay...so we were late but it wasn't OUR fault this time! We will blame it on the pilot this time since he left the airport in Salt Lake over 20 minutes early. We were supposed to pick him up at 5:47pm. We had signs and everything. As we came over the summit into town I saw a plane fly over us. We don't live in a big city so planes aren't flying in all day long and I said, "Look, there's Garrett's plane... it's early and we are now late!" It was 5:04pm. We raced through town, which during rush hour (it was) feels like we live in a big city. And Thayne dropped us off at the curb and we all ran in to see him! He looked so good!!!! So grown up and mature. He was tanned and healthy and happy to see us too! His little brothers just grabbed him and wouldn't let go. Kalli did the same. Kami had told us when we were getting in the van to go that she was going to give Garrett the biggest hug. She was only a year and a half when he left but we talked about him a lot and had his pictures out so she talked about him too. But when she came face to face she hung back for a few minutes just watching. I guess kissing Garrett in theory is fine, but kissing the actual person left her wondering what she was thinking!!! She finally warmed up to him though. The next morning she climbed into his lap everytime he sat down.

After the craziness at the airport we were supposed to go to the church and he would be officially released as a missionary and then give his report to the stake president and the high counsel. He was pretty emotional. Which was pretty expected considering he had been off the plane for an hour and had loved being a missionary. He gave a beautiful report. I had wondered what kind of missionary he had been, and if he had grown the way I had hoped while he was away. He wasn't the best letter writer so I didn't get a lot of those warm, fuzzy, missionary mom experiences. And I had worried about that. Let's just say that when he left I was ready to kick him out the door... so I wasn't so sure what he had become. But he had become the man I had hoped, and so much more. He grew up. He gained a firm, strong testimony of the Savior. He gave of himself. He learned to love the people he served. He was powerful in speaking! It was amazing. I cried. Of course I cried, I'm his mom. It's a requirement to cry when your son gives his missionary report! ;-) So it was all worth it. 2 years without seeing my son, but in that time he became a pretty incredible man. And for that I am grateful!!!

Kimberli Nichole

It's hard to believe that 19 years ago we were able to welcome our beautiful baby girl.... Kimi was born on March 13th, sharing her birthday with her aunt Tammy. After 2 boys I was thrilled to know we were having a girl. We have seen so many miracles in our lives. Kimi was definately one of them. She was born with the cord wrapped 3 times around her neck. She was black when she was born, not breathing and completely lifeless. I remember the silence for minutes in the delivery room. I finally asked, "Was it my little girl or not?" I didn't believe she was alive, I just wondered if it had really been a girl. For some reason my doctor then started working on her minutes after birth and finally they were able to get her going. She kept having problems and they told us she had a heart defect and an infection (later learned that she had strep, it was before they tested for it, now it is easily treated with antibiotics while in labor). I remember thinking how badly I wanted to raise this little girl, and how scared I was that I wouldn't be able to. It was decided that she would go by life flight to Primary Children's. We lived in Price, Utah at the time. I was all alone in the room with her praying. I remember praying that she would be fine, and then I realized that I needed to pray for what was right, not for what I wanted. I was watching her and I remember telling the Lord that I wanted to raise her, but if it wasn't to be, let her not be in pain. And then I told the Lord, "Thy will be done..." and peace washed over me. Funny... at the time I didn't know if that peace was that she would live, or that I would be okay if she didn't. I just knew I felt absolute peace. Thayne and my dad rushed home from the mine to give her a blessing and it was beautiful. It spoke of the tests coming back negative and that she would be healed. Thayne and I waited for the helicoptor to take off but my mom and dad had left early and met the helicoptor there. The first thing that doctor wanted to know was why they had sent a healthy baby there. Apparently from the time she left, to the time she got there, her heart was healed, or something. All we know was it wasn't the same heart. They said maybe the hospital messed up on the x-rays. As if they sent the wrong x-rays. We knew it was a miracle. After every test imaginable they sent her home with a healthy heart. They did tell us that she would likely never function normally. She had gone without oxygen for so long that they believed it had caused some brain damage. Aside from a few minor learning disabilities, she is amazingly normal and wonderful! She has to try a little harder than some, but she is always willing to work hard and do what she needs to do to overcome. She learned to walk fast in order to keep up with her brothers. She learned to ride a 2 wheel bike at 3 because she wanted to keep up with her brothers. She is amazing in every way! And now she is 19. The time has truly gone by so quickly it amazes me. One day we wondered if we would ever see this day... and the next, here she is! She has so many gifts and talents. People are constantly amazed at how she is with children. They are drawn to her, they love her and she loves them. She has an ability to love and accept others no matter what or who they are. She has been a joy to watch grow and we will forever be grateful that we got to watch her grow!

Tanner James and Kassi Shyann

Today has been a day of celebrations! Two very significant reasons to celebrate this day just happens to be 2 of my favorite kids' birthdays. :) Tanner turned 18 today. Kassi turned 14. Tanner always thought it was so neat that he got a sister for his birthday.

Tanner is another one of my miracle babies. He had some seriousl issues at birth. Breathing issues coming a month early and some pretty serious trauma surrounding his birth, and he also had the strep that they test for now days and is easily treated... but back in the day...18 years ago, they didn't just test for it. I remember after his sister was born less than a year before him and we almost lost her that I had felt strongly that there was another baby but she had scared me to bad. I didn't want to go through that again. But I kept feeling I had another baby and I finally told the Lord, "I WILL NOT go through seeing another baby life flighted out!!!" I think the Lord has a great sense of humor and laughs when we tell Him what we are not going to do. Because less than a year later, the same life flight team that took Kimi was now taking Tanner. But he is such a fighter he was better and home before he was a week old. Tanner is a great joy, and a great trial in my life. He is incredible. I hope someday he sees the incredible man inside the awkward boy he is now. He knows how to push every button I have, and then, just when I am ready to blow, he is the one that can read my moods and lift me out of the blues faster than anyone. I wish he could see what I see in him. I know he will one day, but it sure makes things easier when we figure it out in the first place instead of learning the hard way! He has always been a handful. Before he was a year old he was climbing on the fridge to get to the cereal. We wondered if he was part spider the way he scaled the walls. And for the longest time I thought we had the most talented mice in the world. I would get up in the morning to find a knife in the block of cheese in the mornings. I was determined to figure it out so I sat up one night to watch my little man swing out of his crib like a gymnist and help himself to a knife and open the fridge and get the cheese! He never ceases to amaze me. It blows me away the things he used to do. I am constantly amazed at how much a mother can love their child. I hope that he realizes that I love him more than life! Although the little stinker tonight asked if he and Kassi were both anniversary babies! So WHAT if they are????!!! :)

And Kassi came along 4 years later. She had been breech, but we got her flipped and I attempted a vbac. It was horrible because Thayne was not there, had to work and I was 4 1/2 hours away. I labored all day, doing great and ready to push when the nurse told me I didn't know what I was talking about when I told her that I was ready to push after only being a 3 a contraction earlier. She was not gentle when she attempted to check me and hit Kassi's head. Kassi flipped, I started bleeding and her heart rate dropped and it then became an emergancy c-section. The only good part was that Thayne had raced over and made it in time for the delivery. She is the most incredible young lady. She is a blonde! In the Legally Blonde sort of way! She's beautiful, fun and such a joy to be her mother.

It has been a long day... and I am tired and ready for bed. But I am so blessed and grateful to have them as my children. They teach me far more than I could ever teach them. Happy Birthday and I hope that next year, and all of the years to come we get the traditional 'in front of the fridge holding both of the cakes' photo that we have taken for years!

Where oh where is my husband?

Well... technically I know where he is. He is somewhere between New York and here! WHY he isn't home in bed right now is beyond me. Last week on Thursday he was informed that he would be going to Toronto. He called me with the whole good news/bad news thing. As if telling me he would be getting another raise was going to fix the fact that he would be leaving VERY EARLY Sunday morning and wouldn't be back until Wednesday. Why do men not understand the way a woman's mind works? (never mind, don't answer that, we don't want to offend any man that might read this!) How can this possibly be a good idea to leave the week before your oldest son comes home after being gone two years.... after 2 1/2 months of major medical stuff and one worn out mom, he is going on a business trip! But it just seems to be the way my luck goes recently that the ice storm that was hitting somewhere out there, was hitting TODAY! The day he was supposed to be home. After cancelled flights, rerouting and being stuck in the airport in New York for many hours, he was finally on his way to Salt Lake. Of course he wouldn't make it in time to catch the plane coming home... that would have been too simple. They are hoping to rent a car and drive the three hours home rather than wait till tomorrow and fly home then. The kids have sensed my stress, and like the animals that they sometimes can be (okay... just joking there) they sniffed out my weakness and pounced when I wasn't looking! I felt like I have been walking in circles. I get one thing done and turn around and two other things are undone. I realize that it really shouldn't matter if the house is spotless or not, after all, it's only Garrett coming home. It's not like we will be having visiting royalty or something... it's just Garrett!!! And really, when the 100 or so people come through the house Sunday after church for lunch, will they really care if my laundry room is no longer clean? Well... if they do I guess they aren't really good friends now are they?! But that doesn't matter. You see, I could have lived my life being an obsessive/compulsive shut in with my hangers all hanging one directions and the shirts facing the right way, drawers neat, socks matched perfectly with no holes in any of them, everything in it's place, not a picture hanging crooked. But NO! I chose to have 15 children and a husband instead. And I love them, I really do. And there are days that I purposely leave the picture hanging crooked just to prove to myself that life will go on. But then there are just moments, circumstances that stress me out and I have that insane desire for everything to be perfect! I notice the spots on the wall that were missed while they were touching up the paint. I can't help but notice like a blaring neon sign that it has been a YEAR since the tile project was started and STILL the trim is not done! And will I ever get new carpet? And most of all... what is Garrett going to sleep on? He has no bed. Darn those boys and what were they thinking when they shot up over 6 ft tall. Why can't you just curl up on your side and sleep in the old bunk beds that worked just fine a few years ago? We have to get a bed. We need to do a lot of things. But he was eating $100 meals and I made the old stand by... spaghetti. He suffered in a quiet $350/night hotel room. I didn't get to bed until 2am trying to catch up on laundry. He says it's rough on him being away from us. In truth, I know it is. But that doesn't make me feel better when I have told the kids 100 times in that many minutes that it really is time to go to bed! It's been one of those weeks. The baby has been fussy, kids have been busy and just when I get on a roll I have to stop and pump! I can't win!

But tomorrow (well, okay, in a fewe minutes it will be midnight) I will have my husband home, my oldest son home, and for the first time ever, all 17 of us will be under the same roof, if only it lasts for a moment. And I will be so glad to know that I chose a life of chaos over a life of peace and quiet in my little OCD world. I will celebrate Tanner turning 18, and Kassi turning 14, and I will know that this is my life, and I do enjoy it, and I will hold onto the memories and keep them dear to my heart because I know that it is only a short time that it will be like this before everyone starts flying away and building their own lives. And that's exactly what I hope for them!