Life's journey is not traveled on a freeway devoid of obstacles, pitfalls, and snares. Rather it is a pathway marked by forks and turnings. Decisions are constantly before us. To make them wisely, courage is needed: the courage to say no, the courage to say yes. Decisions do determine destiny... It is the sweet assurance that can guide you and me -- in our time, in our day, in our lives. Of course we will face fear, experience ridicule, and meet opposition. Let us have the courage to defy the consensus, the courage to stand for principle. Courage, not compromise, brings the smile of God's approval. Courage becomes a living and an attractive virtue when it is regarded not only as a willingness to die manfully, but as the determination to live decently. A moral coward is one who is afraid to do what he thinks is right because others will disapprove or laugh. Remember that all men have their fears, but those who face their fears with dignity have courage as well.
-Thomas S. Monson
A wise man once said, "In all living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured." We have weathered storms that tried to break us, but through it all, we have always tried to find the joy in our journey. Watching our family grow has given us more joy than we ever thought possible. There is joy in the journey, even in the middle of the storms!
I never knew how much love a heart could hold, until they called me mom
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
Tanner
I can do this... I know I can. But I am already crazy emotional so this isn't helping matters. I am thinking good thoughts and trusting that this will be a wonderful move for Tanner... but he is moving to Montana. He will be there with my sister and her 4 boys, and I know that getting out of here for a while will be a good experience for him, but he's still my boy... he's still the son that I always worry a little more about... he has so much potential, and so much that he can accomplish. If only he learns to see himself for who he is, what he can be. Oh how I love him. Only a mother's heart knows the pain of letting go, yet the joy of watching them fly! I guess I can be glad that there's a... girl. Celeste is a doll and we can only hope that her influence will bring nothing but very positive things. But still, tonight I cried, and cried, and cried when he said good bye. I hugged him tight. Yet if truth be told, he held on a little tighter, for a little longer. He has always been one that could see a little more clear my emotions, understood a little deeper when I struggled with depression. How funny is it that tonight I clearly recall the moment I held him. The moment I looked at him and fell in love all over again. It's amazing how I can love so many people so deeply. People that are a part of me... but I don't divide that love. The love just grows and grows!
Poor little Hyrum did not realize when Tanner told him good bye that Tanner was moving to Montana. When he found out, he just clung to Tanner... he held on and didn't want to let go. I hope more than anything, Tanner takes that with him. The love that his family, his parents and his siblings have for him. No matter what... through it all, we are there for him! What a week this has been. An emotional roller coaster!
I love you Tanner... you are so precious to me. Good luck and may you begin to see all of your dreams coming true! I will pray every minute of the day that you are safe and happy!
Bummy realized that Tanner was really leaving... not just leaving for the football game!
Oh how the heart can break....
We recently went through another miscarriage... My heart aches at the knowledge that we lost another baby. It's not bad enough that we have to go through the loss, but enduring the comments sometimes cause as much pain as the loss itself.
On a baby board I have been on for many years, as many, many people I consider friends were wishing us well and sending prayers and positive thoughts as we waited for the results of the blood work. But then a comment was made by a woman who claims she had been on the board before saying that it isn't prudent for people to have so many children. Even going so far as to suggest that there are others that struggle with infertility and that perhaps some of us are selfishly taking up all of the unborn children so that others have to do without. She went on to tell me that Heavenly Father would never willingly burden a woman by expecting her to have 15, 16 or more children. Or perhaps this is Heavenly Father's way of saying no more.
Interestingly enough, I spoke to a doctor about that very thing.... how maybe I should say it's the Lord's way of saying no more. He said very simply, "The Lord doesn't work that way." And I knew it was true. I thought about the idea of having children being a burden and I felt sad for that woman. A burden? How could having these children be a burden? Even when my heart aches at the normal everyday parenting of 15 children, it is never a burden! I consider it the opposite in fact. A burden is something to be dreaded, to fear even. With every positive pregnancy test, I felt absolute joy. I felt like shouting it from the rooftops! That is not a burden. And on top of that... my being a mother is nothing short of a miracle. Or many miracles. I was blessed to carry 15 children... 10 of which were born by c-section. That in itself is a miracle. And not only that, but I had 10 c-sections and was carried through them with ease. I have witnessed more miracles because of my children. I have watched life returned to more than one child... I have watched children healed, I have been given the strength to carry on when I didn't know where it would come from. I had the ability to stay up night after night making sure that Nathaniel was still breathing. When he stopped breathing I was there to breathe for him until his heart was going again. I was awake at those critical times when he would have stopped breathing had I not been awake to shake him and remind him to breathe. I had the ability to keep him alive when I didn't think I even knew what I was doing until the medical people in this town could figure out that I wasn't crazy when I kept telling them there was something wrong with my baby. Heavenly Father is bound by natural laws... He is the one that gave these laws to us. He sent us here to be tested and tried. I don't understand why I went through this, but I know that He walked beside me as I went through it. I talked to a friend about it one day and she said that Heavenly Father didn't want His spirit children to be born to drug addicted prostitutes, but He lets them... just like there are great people that truly desire children and aren't able to have them. It's not fair maybe, but it happens because that's what life is all about. Life isn't supposed to be fair. It's meant to stretch us, and make us grow. It's meant to teach us to rely on the Lord even in our very darkest hours... or maybe especially during those times. In the last year I have come so close to losing 2 of my children that I could see death lurking. I spent hours and days and weeks and months caring for and praying for and crying with those children and wondering which way it would go. When they took Nate the first AND the second time in life flight... we left with the opinion of the medical professionals that he would not live. Yet live he did. But I wore myself out. I was carried through... but it is no wonder that my body may be worn out right now. Losing a baby has nothing to do with the fact that I have X amount of children, or that I have reached a certain age, or anything else. I have friends that are just starting their families at my age! It means that there was some reason that we were meant to go through this. That there is a time to mourn... and we have mourned. But that there is also a promise of great things in our future. I do not have to understand this now, I just have to have the faith that at some time in the future I WILL understand, and it all will be made right. Nothing else matters but that. And I know as I pray that the Lord still has a baby in store for us... it's just that we have to trust Him and allow Him to work His miracles in His time. That is the peace I receive as I pray and ponder and wonder why. I don't ask the Lord, "Why me?" I never have. I do, however, wonder what it is I am supposed to learn, and that what I am given to pass through in this life is what will make me worthy to live with my Father in Heaven again some day.
But tonight I ache when I think of the baby we had to say good bye to before we ever got to say hello. I know that this baby knows of our desire, and our love, and that for now that is enough... and one day all things will be restored and we will get to know and love those that we lost again. I count my blessings in knowing that I have a house FULL of children that mourn the same as I do, that pray for the same things as I do. To be able to have Garrett and Tiffany take me to lunch, and give me a dozen red roses, and cry with me over the loss of this little one. Not many people can say that they have their big kids praying for a new little brother or sister, even as they contemplate and look forward to the birth of their own child! I am blessed. Sometimes I have to stop and look deep and count my blessings... but I know that they are there... I can count them one by one... Garrett, Jace, Kimi, Tanner, Tallin, Kailee, Kassi, Kinzee, Willie, Wyatt, Hayden, Kalli, Hyrum, Kami, Nathaniel....
On a baby board I have been on for many years, as many, many people I consider friends were wishing us well and sending prayers and positive thoughts as we waited for the results of the blood work. But then a comment was made by a woman who claims she had been on the board before saying that it isn't prudent for people to have so many children. Even going so far as to suggest that there are others that struggle with infertility and that perhaps some of us are selfishly taking up all of the unborn children so that others have to do without. She went on to tell me that Heavenly Father would never willingly burden a woman by expecting her to have 15, 16 or more children. Or perhaps this is Heavenly Father's way of saying no more.
Interestingly enough, I spoke to a doctor about that very thing.... how maybe I should say it's the Lord's way of saying no more. He said very simply, "The Lord doesn't work that way." And I knew it was true. I thought about the idea of having children being a burden and I felt sad for that woman. A burden? How could having these children be a burden? Even when my heart aches at the normal everyday parenting of 15 children, it is never a burden! I consider it the opposite in fact. A burden is something to be dreaded, to fear even. With every positive pregnancy test, I felt absolute joy. I felt like shouting it from the rooftops! That is not a burden. And on top of that... my being a mother is nothing short of a miracle. Or many miracles. I was blessed to carry 15 children... 10 of which were born by c-section. That in itself is a miracle. And not only that, but I had 10 c-sections and was carried through them with ease. I have witnessed more miracles because of my children. I have watched life returned to more than one child... I have watched children healed, I have been given the strength to carry on when I didn't know where it would come from. I had the ability to stay up night after night making sure that Nathaniel was still breathing. When he stopped breathing I was there to breathe for him until his heart was going again. I was awake at those critical times when he would have stopped breathing had I not been awake to shake him and remind him to breathe. I had the ability to keep him alive when I didn't think I even knew what I was doing until the medical people in this town could figure out that I wasn't crazy when I kept telling them there was something wrong with my baby. Heavenly Father is bound by natural laws... He is the one that gave these laws to us. He sent us here to be tested and tried. I don't understand why I went through this, but I know that He walked beside me as I went through it. I talked to a friend about it one day and she said that Heavenly Father didn't want His spirit children to be born to drug addicted prostitutes, but He lets them... just like there are great people that truly desire children and aren't able to have them. It's not fair maybe, but it happens because that's what life is all about. Life isn't supposed to be fair. It's meant to stretch us, and make us grow. It's meant to teach us to rely on the Lord even in our very darkest hours... or maybe especially during those times. In the last year I have come so close to losing 2 of my children that I could see death lurking. I spent hours and days and weeks and months caring for and praying for and crying with those children and wondering which way it would go. When they took Nate the first AND the second time in life flight... we left with the opinion of the medical professionals that he would not live. Yet live he did. But I wore myself out. I was carried through... but it is no wonder that my body may be worn out right now. Losing a baby has nothing to do with the fact that I have X amount of children, or that I have reached a certain age, or anything else. I have friends that are just starting their families at my age! It means that there was some reason that we were meant to go through this. That there is a time to mourn... and we have mourned. But that there is also a promise of great things in our future. I do not have to understand this now, I just have to have the faith that at some time in the future I WILL understand, and it all will be made right. Nothing else matters but that. And I know as I pray that the Lord still has a baby in store for us... it's just that we have to trust Him and allow Him to work His miracles in His time. That is the peace I receive as I pray and ponder and wonder why. I don't ask the Lord, "Why me?" I never have. I do, however, wonder what it is I am supposed to learn, and that what I am given to pass through in this life is what will make me worthy to live with my Father in Heaven again some day.
But tonight I ache when I think of the baby we had to say good bye to before we ever got to say hello. I know that this baby knows of our desire, and our love, and that for now that is enough... and one day all things will be restored and we will get to know and love those that we lost again. I count my blessings in knowing that I have a house FULL of children that mourn the same as I do, that pray for the same things as I do. To be able to have Garrett and Tiffany take me to lunch, and give me a dozen red roses, and cry with me over the loss of this little one. Not many people can say that they have their big kids praying for a new little brother or sister, even as they contemplate and look forward to the birth of their own child! I am blessed. Sometimes I have to stop and look deep and count my blessings... but I know that they are there... I can count them one by one... Garrett, Jace, Kimi, Tanner, Tallin, Kailee, Kassi, Kinzee, Willie, Wyatt, Hayden, Kalli, Hyrum, Kami, Nathaniel....
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Jace and Nate's fun...
We got our hands on a little motorcycle... and it's been the most fun thing for the kids. It's interesting to see how simple things make them really happy. You would think that it was the most amazing thing ever to watch the joy that comes from the kids just riding around on this little motorcycle! Jace decided to take Nate for a ride, and Nate would have rode, and rode, and rode! He loves the big helmet that weighs as much as he does and he walks around showing off every chance he gets. Jace had fun driving Nate around the yard, and Nate thought it was the greatest thing ever!!!
I'm stressing the whole time telling him to be careful on the hill... be careful on the hill!!!
Nate telling me to look at him!
Caitlyn and Nate...
Bad baby.... he's bad!
Nate thinks he is so cool in the helmet!
I'm stressing the whole time telling him to be careful on the hill... be careful on the hill!!!
Nate telling me to look at him!
Caitlyn and Nate...
Bad baby.... he's bad!
Nate thinks he is so cool in the helmet!
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Weekend.... part 3
I won tickets to Reno to the Cowboy Poetry Gathering from our local radio station. They had a box at Curves and I thought, "What the heck?" and put my name in. When they called me last week to say I had won the package I couldn't believe it and thought that we probably wouldn't go. So I called Thayne and told him and he said, "Let's do it!" The kids said to go and have fun... and hey, when the kids are trying to get you out of the house you either think they are the greatest kids... or they are trying to pull something over on you! ;) I figured I would give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they are just the greatest kids! haha
We had rooms at the Silver Legacy Resort for Friday and Saturday night and tickets to the gathering for both nights also. Dinner included. The nights couldn't have been more perfect. I love rocking with my girls to the 80's music I grew up on. I even like a lot of what the kids listen to now. I love old country music, and I have to say that I have a soft spot for cowboy music! It reminds me of being a little girl at my grandma's house... in fact when I listened to Don Edwards sing Red River Valley it made me cry, because it always makes me cry when I hear that song... because it always makes me miss my grandma... I can always hear her singing along in my mind when I hear that song! Both nights were beautiful. A breeze blowing, perfect temp, perfect seats. Our favorite part was listening to Don Edwards. We could have listened to him for hours, and it was amazing to hear him sing on and on. And then Baxter Black closed the show with his poetry and his jokes. We went from complete relaxation listening to the music, to laughing hysterically at Baxter Black and his jokes. I love those times when Thayne and I are able to go away, get away from the stress of his job, and life in general, and laugh and talk and reconnect. It was something that we really enjoyed and it was so wonderful that we decided we are going to go again next year!
Baxter Black telling one of his jokes.... he was so funny!
Don Edwards singing about life as a cowboy!
We had rooms at the Silver Legacy Resort for Friday and Saturday night and tickets to the gathering for both nights also. Dinner included. The nights couldn't have been more perfect. I love rocking with my girls to the 80's music I grew up on. I even like a lot of what the kids listen to now. I love old country music, and I have to say that I have a soft spot for cowboy music! It reminds me of being a little girl at my grandma's house... in fact when I listened to Don Edwards sing Red River Valley it made me cry, because it always makes me cry when I hear that song... because it always makes me miss my grandma... I can always hear her singing along in my mind when I hear that song! Both nights were beautiful. A breeze blowing, perfect temp, perfect seats. Our favorite part was listening to Don Edwards. We could have listened to him for hours, and it was amazing to hear him sing on and on. And then Baxter Black closed the show with his poetry and his jokes. We went from complete relaxation listening to the music, to laughing hysterically at Baxter Black and his jokes. I love those times when Thayne and I are able to go away, get away from the stress of his job, and life in general, and laugh and talk and reconnect. It was something that we really enjoyed and it was so wonderful that we decided we are going to go again next year!
Baxter Black telling one of his jokes.... he was so funny!
Don Edwards singing about life as a cowboy!
Weekend.... part 2
These were the funniest pictures for some reason! Kailee told us that all of the kids wanted to sleep together... so they chose to sleep on the TILE... really they could have picked any number of places, including our bedroom to sleep. But they wanted to sleep in the living room to watch a movie and they decided to make their beds on the tile! I think we were all a little freaked out... or we had freaked ourselves out. Thayne had to suspend a guy that was a little, um, well, scary! And everyone was a little on edge about it. So Thayne had just mentioned to Tallin to keep an eye out and be aware of what was going on around them... and Kailee heard. It ended up being a wonderful party for them, and I laugh when I look at the pictures. I'm glad they like each other enough to hang out and camp out on tile... but I have to say if I were the one in charge I would have talked them all into camping out in mom and dad's room with CARPET and a big king size EMPTY bed! :) I love these kids... they really make me laugh! 
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Kalli Shai turns 8
Happy Happy Birthday Kalli!!! I cannot believe that you are 8 years old you darling girl! You were the most beautiful baby, and you have turned into the most beautiful 8 year old girl!
Kalli is so excited to be getting baptized on September 5th. We have a beautiful white dress already and we are looking forward to the most wonderful day! I remember so clearly the day I had Kalli. I was so excited, so exhausted and so thrilled to see her beautiful little face. She is a joy every day and I feel like a very lucky mom to have her as my daughter! Happy Birthday sweet girl... what a great life you have to look forward to!!!
Kalli is so excited to be getting baptized on September 5th. We have a beautiful white dress already and we are looking forward to the most wonderful day! I remember so clearly the day I had Kalli. I was so excited, so exhausted and so thrilled to see her beautiful little face. She is a joy every day and I feel like a very lucky mom to have her as my daughter! Happy Birthday sweet girl... what a great life you have to look forward to!!!
First Day of School....
I can't believe that summer is already gone and the kids started school yesterday! Where did the time go? I am especially amazed that my sweet Kami Dene started kindergarten. How in the world did she turn 5? She is my baby girl... and she is 5! The kids were all kind of excited about going back and it's amazing to me that we got up to rain and clouds and weather that felt more like the end of September, not August. It's strange having only Nate home for half a day. Yesterday Kailee and Tallin were gone and Nate was napping and I just sat there listening to the silence. It was deafening! I am watching Andrea and Janae while Katie student teaches for the next 10 weeks. Kami is really glad Nae Nae is in her class with her! It's also strange this year because they changed the starting times at the high school and middle school. Well, the high school only starts 15 minutes later, but the middle school used to start at 9am and they didn't get home off the bus until around 4:30pm everyday. This year the middle school and high school get out at 1:45pm and it is very strange to have all of the kids home so early in the day. I don't really like that the middle school kids have to ride the out of control high school bus, especially in the mornings when Kailee and Kassi have already left for seminary. Hopefully it won't be as horrible as I sometimes imagine it could be! But the kids are in school... I have signed a mountain of papers so far and am still trying to buy all of the crazy list of supplies they each need. Willie handed me his entire list today and I am afraid it's going to cost most of Thayne's pay check to buy it all! ;) Let's hope that it all goes smoothly and everyone settles in and is happy and ready to learn!!! I did have to laugh when I took Kalli
over to wait in line where the 2nd and 3rd graders were supposed to be. As I got her in line and took her picture 2 little girls asked if I knew where they went. There were several teachers and other parents there but I asked them who's class they were in. They told me and I saw one of the teachers so I took them over and delivered them safely to the teacher, who in turn asked me if I would take this other lost little girl back over around the building to where the 1st graders were. I laughed as I talked to the little girl, she told me her name, who's class she was in and I was glad to know that the teachers trusted me enough to hand over some unknown girl to take her around the corner to a different area of the school! :) I guess since they have had all of my kids they think they can trust me enough to hand me a lost child and know that I will get them safely where they need to be!
Kami and her teacher Mrs. J... every one of our kids that have gone to this school have had her and we love her. She is so good to the kids and they love her and think she is practically perfect and we hear a lot about how Mrs. J does this, or Mrs. J does that. It's good that we know we have such a wonderful kindergarten teacher!
Ready to go... she was not happy to learn she had to wait for afternoon kindergarten. She was up and ready to go at 6am!
Kalli being silly and ready for 3rd grade!
Bummy ready for 1st grade! How in the world did my little mama's boy grow up so fast???
No first day of school jitters here.... they were all ready to go! Except they were cold because it was around 48 degrees when we got out of the Excursion to walk into school!
Bummy, Wyatt, Hayden, Kalli and Andrea ready to learn!
Kinzee... our big 8th grader... big dog at the middle school now... and already looking at dresses for the end of the year 8th grade social! A girl has to have her priorities!
Willie blowing kisses to Nate because Nate was blowing kisses to him...
Willie the big 7th grader... ready to head back to school and see his friends!
Brother and sister, ready to take on the world!
over to wait in line where the 2nd and 3rd graders were supposed to be. As I got her in line and took her picture 2 little girls asked if I knew where they went. There were several teachers and other parents there but I asked them who's class they were in. They told me and I saw one of the teachers so I took them over and delivered them safely to the teacher, who in turn asked me if I would take this other lost little girl back over around the building to where the 1st graders were. I laughed as I talked to the little girl, she told me her name, who's class she was in and I was glad to know that the teachers trusted me enough to hand over some unknown girl to take her around the corner to a different area of the school! :) I guess since they have had all of my kids they think they can trust me enough to hand me a lost child and know that I will get them safely where they need to be!
Kami and her teacher Mrs. J... every one of our kids that have gone to this school have had her and we love her. She is so good to the kids and they love her and think she is practically perfect and we hear a lot about how Mrs. J does this, or Mrs. J does that. It's good that we know we have such a wonderful kindergarten teacher!
Ready to go... she was not happy to learn she had to wait for afternoon kindergarten. She was up and ready to go at 6am!
Kalli being silly and ready for 3rd grade!
Bummy ready for 1st grade! How in the world did my little mama's boy grow up so fast???
No first day of school jitters here.... they were all ready to go! Except they were cold because it was around 48 degrees when we got out of the Excursion to walk into school!
Bummy, Wyatt, Hayden, Kalli and Andrea ready to learn!
Kinzee... our big 8th grader... big dog at the middle school now... and already looking at dresses for the end of the year 8th grade social! A girl has to have her priorities!
Willie blowing kisses to Nate because Nate was blowing kisses to him...
Willie the big 7th grader... ready to head back to school and see his friends!
Brother and sister, ready to take on the world!
Quote of the week....the month, heck maybe for the next 4 years!
"You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend, is the beginning of the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."
Adrian Rogers, 1931
Adrian Rogers, 1931
Monday, August 24, 2009
Weekend... part 1
Saturday was the annual company picnic that the kids look forward to going to... they love being able to run all over the park, play the games, win the prizes and have a wonderful day. They always end up exhausted and ready for bed, but it's a great day of good food, fun games, and lots to do! They played and played and had a wonderful time!
Kalli slip sliding away!
Bummy slip sliding down the slide!
Hayden and all of his prizes!
My sweet Bummy!
Kalli going crazy!
Kalli!
Kami baby, whatcha pointing at?
Kassi!
Give me more food... can't you see most of what I had before is on my shir???
My sweet Nater's was so worn out!
Peak a boo!
Nater's... where did you come from???
Who is this??? Bummy? Could it be you?
Kinzee and Kami enjoying the day together!
Pretty butterfly!
Hayden and Wyatt loving this fun game
Face painting
Having fun....
Wyatt... having a 'ball' at the picnic today!
Nate trying to sneak off with Hayden's boots
Hyrum having a great time
Bummy helping Nater's...
Kassi and Naters
Kalli helping Nater's up the slide!
Kami-hen slipping down the slide!
Hyrum is handsome and ready to go to the picnic!
Kalli slip sliding away!
Bummy slip sliding down the slide!
Hayden and all of his prizes!
My sweet Bummy!
Kalli going crazy!
Kalli!
Kami baby, whatcha pointing at?
Kassi!
Give me more food... can't you see most of what I had before is on my shir???
My sweet Nater's was so worn out!
Peak a boo!
Nater's... where did you come from???
Who is this??? Bummy? Could it be you?
Kinzee and Kami enjoying the day together!
Pretty butterfly!
Hayden and Wyatt loving this fun game
Face painting
Having fun....
Wyatt... having a 'ball' at the picnic today!
Nate trying to sneak off with Hayden's boots
Hyrum having a great time
Bummy helping Nater's...
Kassi and Naters
Kalli helping Nater's up the slide!
Kami-hen slipping down the slide!
Hyrum is handsome and ready to go to the picnic!
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