5 years?

It seems impossible to believe the early morning phone call came

5 years ago this morning.

Jace...

calling to tell me that late the night before

his best friend took his own life.

I knew that things would never be the same for Jace again.

For anyone who knew and loved him.

It was going to hit Hayden hard too since Kevin and Jace picked him up

everyday from kindergarten.

5 years.

It is so much easier to hurt as a mom, than to watch your children hurting.

There is nothing you can do but stand beside them,

cry with them,

and pray.

And we prayed. Some nights it felt like I fell asleep praying

and woke up praying.

I watched something break inside my son.

I was afraid for him.

His brother, who was his best friend also, was in the MTC

ready to serve a 2 year mission,

and now the other friend, who was like a brother also,

was gone.

After all he did to try to save him.

And he tried!

He was the kind of friend everyone would hope to have.

And my heart breaks even now thinking about the scars left on Jace's heart.

He defied the principal who wouldn't let them in any way recognize Kevin.

I knew he would.

They had jerseys of kids hanging on the gym wall of kids who died while drinking

and driving...

but Kevin committed suicide so his friends weren't supposed to recognize him.

Jace did.

Some of them wore black armbands

but Jace took Kevin's picture across the stage with him.

I wish there was a way...

to have made him understand the pain he would leave behind.

I wish that he could have seen the tears that were cried for him.

Would his decision have been different if he knew he was ripping the hearts out

of all of those who loved him?

How can we make others see that the pain we feel now will get better.

When you make this choice,

that's it.

You can't take it back.

Depression is real.

It's dark and it hurts...

it's a monster.

We can't judge from the outside who is suffering on the inside.

The popular athlete... cute, talented, friendly, outspoken...

can be carrying pain that few others can see.

Sometimes you only recognize it if you have the ability to look inside...

few people care enough about others to really see.

Few care enough to put it all on the line and love and be willing to carry

the burdens of another.

And sometimes even that isn't enough.

It was hard on Jace.

He felt like he failed.

He didn't!

In the end we all are accountable for the choices we make...

and thankfully we aren't the one that will have to judge

the heart and mind of another.

But I know that when Jace faces the Lord,

he will be able to say he did all he could and loved all he was able and the Lord will

tell him that even though the pain was horrible,

it made him a better man.

He is more compassionate,

more sympathetic and caring and is more able to love others.

He learned character... he gained integrity.

One night while Jace was in the hospital he was short tempered...

he was suffering and had reason to be frustrated.

But I told him as we left that our true character has nothing to do with how we behave

when everything is going right.

We show our integrity,

we show our character

when everything is going wrong.

When we hurt.

When we are suffering.

How we treat others then

is what we are really made of.

The things he has gone through, the pain, the loss...

it has refined him.

After that night in the hospital almost 2 years ago

I rarely see him act out,

I do not see him act unkind.

I see that the fire has truly refined him and while he will always grow,

he walked through the heartache and the pain

a better man.

He will miss Kevin forever.

March 13th will always be a day when he pauses and thinks of him.

He will forever be changed because he knew him.

But I think he will be better in the end because of it.

I think where Kevin is he is learning and growing also...

and I know that now Kevin is watching out for Jace.

I know it!

Jace did all he could to take care of Kevin...

Kevin will do the same for Jace now too.

That's how friendships work.

We all miss him.

It's hard not to wonder where they all would be today...

5 years later.

Wish we could have helped Kevin see that life is worth living.

I hope we all learned from him.

I hope we all love better...

that we are all willing to show that we will carry the burdens of others.

We need each other!

We all have scars on our hearts that the eye can't see.