Who would have thought a heart could break in so many ways....

I guess I should have known that being a mother would absolutely, with certainty, break your heart in so many ways. I love the quote, "Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." By Elizabeth Stone. I have always held the belief that you do not split your heart when you have another child, you just grow a new one for each one. We don't split our love. The heart has the greatest ability to grow love.

I have a child that is trying to find himself. Or maybe he doesn't believe he is lost. He has some serious issues that will need more help than I can give to resolve. And until he wants the help I cannot do anything for him. Except pray. And I do that. Every night I fall asleep praying for him. I pray for him while I am brushing my teeth, while I am folding the laundry, while I am driving to town.... you get it... I pray for him! But I cannot fix him. I cannot carry his pain. I cannot make him see the answers to his quest for peace. I cannot make him see things rationally, because right now it is impossible for him to be rational. I cannot get through the wall that he has built around him. That wall, he believes, is for his protection. What he does not understand is that instead, it is hurting him. The pain is so unnecessary. Or is it? I don't know. Maybe the only way to grow is to hurt. But it hurts to watch him grow. It causes me physical pain to see him keeping himself on the outside. It hurts me to watch his pain as he feels he is missing out on something. Isn't it funny that we are the ones that hold ourselves back, but in order to justify our pain we blame others instead of digging in to fix ourselves? The only person that can ever truly hurt me, IS ME! That's how it always has been. I am willing to stand beside him, hold his hand, walk through the fires of hell with him if that is what it takes. But I refuse to allow him to verbally or emotionally injure the others that live in my home. He jokes that he is like the wind, he blows in and blows out. His joking is another way to cover the pain. He has to joke, because if he felt the pain too deeply or for too long, he may have to examine why he feels the way he does and admit that he needs help. Until he admits he needs help, there is nothing we can do but love him, and pray for him. He is part of me. I carried him in me for 8 1/2 months. I watched him fight to live in those first few days of his life. I prayed for him then. I held him at night when nobody else was around. I watched him grow. I knew even then that there would be pain for him, that he would have to deal with emotions and feelings that others would not always understand. I knew even then that though I would want to protect him, save him... I wasn't the one that could do that. I will just love him, and cry silent tears after everyone is sleeping and I am alone with my heart and hope that someday he will understand the true man waiting inside him to come out.

And still more pictures

just adding more pictures....

Just more pictures!!!

Just wanted to add more pictures from the other day.... nothing new to say.... well, there is because I am ready to knock my 21 year old on the head but it is probably better if I take my own advice.... "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all!" :) :) :) :) :) :)

I may lose it before my kids are grown....and pictures! :)

I have decided that I am not the best mom to my adult children. Lately I think back to when the older kids were younger and I have decided that I was a much better mom back in the day! Maybe it's because my adult children have no desire to be adults!!! Hmmmm... that could be the problem!!! I feel like for the past 6 months my life has spun out of control and I have been living in a fog. That may be because I had my 15th baby and 10th c-section, my husband was contemplating a new job that would require a move, while dealing with a pretty new job that was/is time consuming and extremely stressful, and then, oh, I don't know, throw in some major health issues for the newborn, feeding tubes, oxygen, doctor appointments, doctor BILLS, postpartum depression, a few health issues of my own and sheesh, that might explain things!!! Is that why I can't get any of the baby fat off??? Stress??? I don't know! And then add my oldest coming home after being gone for 2 years, and trying to readjust to one more personality and some pretty major issues with him being home again and I am ready for the funny farm! My mom always warned me that I might go crazy. Should I just tell her 'you told me so' right now and save her the trouble? I have a constant knot in my neck from stress. My big kids don't want to be big. They want to live at home and have to be mothered like my little ones do. Well... that's not entirely true. They have big hopes and aspirations. They just aren't following through and they think that they have no accountability and responsibility while they live in the home. I'm sure it isn't as horrible as I feel it is in my horribly out of control existance but it seems like one big elephant sitting in the room that we dance around without actually discussing!!! Until recently... the discussion pretty much stinks for them because they have learned that they ARE accountable and they DO have some responsibility and while they are free to plan their own lives, they will account for the things now that they need to and they will have goals and they will work to get on with those goals. In my moment of madness I let them know that till they turn 18 and graduate from high school it is a RIGHT to live in our home. AFTER graduation it is a privilage and I will NOT have them speak to me as if they were a child, they will NOT speak to their siblings as if they are the parent and they will NOT try to tell me how to parent said siblings because they simply do not have the experience to do that and when they have a few children of their own they will be free to come back home and tell me how it is working for them!!! I am exhausted pumping around the clock for Nate though I am grateful I still have my milk. But it is getting harder and harder to keep up and I can't lose weight while I am 'nursing' (so to speak!) and I do not do well with extra weight hanging around (quite literally!). That could be part of the depression??!!

Other than that, life is a peach! But I did want to show off more pictures!!!!

Our life... a circus!

Yesterday was crazy. I ran all day long. Had friends coming that will stay the week. It was as mentioned before, Tallin's birthday. Promised him his mashed potatoes and gravy and ended up doing steak with those. We were also taking his cake into town to a park where we were going to take family pictures. Thayne was a little late, I was still trying to 'bake' the ribbon for the bows for Kami and Kalli! Hair still needed to be done and I couldn't find the camera. I managed to have everyone shirts out and Thayne and the older boys were teasing me about them. As I was trying to run out the door Jace and Caitlyn were helping me find my camera (Caitlyn had hers, she was taking the pictures) and Jace started laughing and said, "This is like a circus, maybe we should sell tickets??!!" Ahhhhhh... he's funny!!! It was even more comical when we had kids in several different cars, and we loaded up the rest in the van. We don't drive the van except to church and Sunday Thayne went early to a meeting so he took the car. I took the Tahoe because I was taking care of a last minute baby issue! (Okay... getting my pump ready to take to pump on the way to church) and Tallin drove the other kids in the van. They forgot to mention that it was on EMPTY!!! So Thayne looks down and says, "Ummmm... I hope we make it to the gas station!" Well... let's just say we DID NOT MAKE IT!!! :) So, Jace doubled back, took Thayne home to get the Tahoe. Kimi stopped and loaded as many as could fit in her car. Jace stopped and loaded up his seats and we filled the Tahoe with the rest and off we went. We were only 10 minutes later than I hoped we would be. Only to find the park unbelievably packed!!! So again we were a side show in the circus with people standing around watching, and oh, the kid in the green shirt that thought he was cute climbing up with all of our red and blue shirts! Not!!! But we had a good time and hopefully today I will have the pictures to show off (if any of them turned out!!!)

Tallin Scott

Tallin turns 17 today!!! I was teasing him last night that I was so miserable waiting for him to be born. He was 4 days past his due date and it was hot, hot, hot and humid in Milwaukee. We lived in a tiny, horrible two bedroom upper flat with Indians living below. Real Indians, drums, feathers, and I'm pretty sure they were smoking a peace pipe most of the time because you could smell it through the vents! :) The drums would play into the wee hours of the morning. It was 100 degrees and we had no air conditioning. He had been breech until AFTER his due date. But he was such a blessing and I was so excited to be able to have him. We found out we were pregnant with him while we were in Price, Utah getting ready to go to a short term job in Wyoming. I had gone in for a blood test only to realize I was bleeding. So I figured I wasn't pregnant. Then I got the positive pregnancy test. We moved into a horrible motel in Green River, Wyoming and Thayne was stuck working night shifts while I was stuck alone with 4 little ones in a motel where the guys in the next room partied all night long. Those parties sometimes led to fights and it made me even more uncomfortable to see the hole in the wall from a gunshot. Life has never been boring with us! I kept bleeding and the doctor told me to stay off my feet and be careful. Not an easy thing to do with a 3, 2, 1 year old and an infant and not even a bathtub, but a tiny shower to clean them in. The bleeding went on and on to the point that I knew I could not be pregnant. I was so upset. I finally asked Thayne to give me a Priesthood blessing so I could just finish bleeding and get on with life. That's not what it said though. It told me how important this baby was and that it was his time to come and though the Lord knew our circumstances, if we chose to go forward there would be great blessings. The first four babies had been so sick. We didn't know what was wrong with them and if we would have the same problems. We also had no insurance, a short term job coming to an end and a mountain of medical bills from Kimi and Tanner. But we believed that it would work out. We ended that job, and heard that there would be work in Milwaukee and that Thayne would be able to go to work there once the strike ended. So off we went. I remember being somewhere in the middle of nowhere, and we pulled over and I asked Thayne what in the world we were doing. He said it just 'felt right' so off we went. We were there 2 months before Thayne got hired. He had finally said if he didn't get hired by December 7th we were moving back to Utah. On the morning of December 7th I was packing stuff up and he was headed to get a U-Haul when the phone rang. They asked him if he could be in at 2pm that day!!! For the next year and a half he worked 2pm to 2am sometimes 6 days a week. Our insurance didn't pick up right away. I tried going to several different doctors but they were horrible. One doctor smelled like he drank way too much of Milwaukee's finest and while he sat asking questions in his little tiny office I thought I was going to gag from the smoke... yep! He was SMOKING! When he asked if I smoked I said, "Only yours!!!" Then let him know I wouldn't be needing his services. I was getting desperate. I didn't feel right about the doctor I had been seeing. My friend told me to try her doctor. She had to wait 6 weeks to get in for some precancerous results but I decided to try anyway. They happened to have a cancelation THAT DAY and wondered if I could come in. It was 6 weeks before he was born. The doctor knew immediately that he needed to test for strep which was positive and said that was why my other kids were sick and they would take care of that. All I needed was an antibiotic! 2 weeks later our insurance picked up and because I was already a patient of the doctor the insurance would pay 100% of the birth! The birth was perfect. I had him completely natural and got to watch him be born, healthy and strong. All 9lb 9oz 22 1/2 inches of him! There was the neatest feeling in the room when he was born. Several of the nurses mentioned it. He had the sweetest personality and has been a joy since the day he was born.

He is the hardest working, fun loving, amazing person! He works construction with his brother and also works at the video store. He had the greatest personality and some serious six pack abs!!! :) (he loves to show those off!!!) He has been a blessing to our family since he was born and it is amazing to think that he is 17 years old! Where did the time go. Our once round little butterball of a boy is a tall skinny young man now! We love him so much!

Happy birthday Tallin!!!

Weird!

By the first of July I could be 2 less children in my home. Garrett finally got an apartment in town (for the 1st of July). Jace doesn't want to move into town. He works out here and with the cost of gas and the driving he would do it really wouldn't make sense to do it. But Kimi and Garrett were talking and it looks like Kimi may be moving into town too. They will share a 2 bedroom/2 bath apartment and Kimi is hoping to get a new job in town that will give her bennefits (we could only carry her if she was a full time student on our insurance). Soooo... it is weird that 2 kids could be gone. Tanner is semi-gone right now too. He is staying at a friends house which is okay. He doesn't like to do anything here but will work for them and help out. Which is good. He needs to do that. It's not officially moved out.... but he's out most of the time. The strangest thing is that only 12 kids in the home seems like a small number!!! How does that happen??? It's just strange. It's something that is so good for them. They need to become adults. Garrett is working at the mine, will be working for Thayne. He loves mining. Must be something in his blood! And HEY... the kids are all so attached to each other that they were all joking about sleep overs at Garrett's (he only works 14 - 15 days a month!) and we are thinking, "OH YES!!! Let there be sleep overs!!!" Mom and dad time here we come!!! :)

Another weird thing. Garrett started dating a girl that has a little boy Kami's age. Talk about WEIRD!!! Ummmmmm.... hmmmmm.... wonder where this will go. Since Garrett's whole mission in life right now is to find the right girl... I guess I better practice calling myself grandma!!!! Hmmmm... again.... that's just WEIRD!!! ;)

22 years ago today!!!

22 years ago today I married my best friend. It amazes me to think how quickly time has flown! I look at him and am taken back instantly. My heart still skips a beat when the phone rings and I see it is him. I still get butterflies when I hear him pull into the driveway! I am amazed at how quickly we fell and how it has only gotten stronger over the years.



I left home a week after I turned 18. We were living in Canada and I had already graduated early there and couldn't work so I was going back to Utah to work and go to school with my friends there. I walked into the grocery store where Thayne was the night manager. It seems silly to say it was love at first sight. But that's what it was. He walked out of the office and I looked into his eyes and it was like I knew him. I pushed up the sleeve of the jacket that had the other guys name on it and turned over my diamond. We talked like we had known each other forever and he called me a couple of hours later to have me come in and interview. I was hired!!! :) My grandma was so flustered watching us that she ended up walking out with a handful of birthday cards and we had to go back in and pay for them. Still today when I hear the song Walking On Sunshine, it makes me smile. That song was popular at the time and it always made me smile because that is how I felt from the day I met Thayne! He flirted, he made me take all of my breaks the same time he took his. He was always around. I could see him watching me through the mirrored glass windows of the office and my heart would go crazy! It took him a couple of weeks to ask me out. One night I was counting out my cash drawer. He was sitting in the office with me. He finally said, "I'm mad at you." I asked him for what and he said he was mad because I was engaged. I said, "Let's just say he wants the ring on my finger but doesn't want the commitment." He just kept watching me and then as I was finishing up he said, "So does that mean you will go out with me?" I had finished, pushed the cash drawer back and as I was walking out of the office I said, "YEP... I sure would!" We went out the next night after work. Just drove around and talked for 6 hours. It was like we had always been together, there was a connection that I can't even describe. It was like though we lived two seperate lives we were somehow connected. That night, we were listening to the radio and Feels So Right by Alabama came on. He told me he didn't want to scare me but he thought he had fallen in love with me. I told him I felt the same so he asked when I was going to marry him. We were married two months later. He has been my best friend since the day we met. He makes me laugh. We have gone through so much together and through it all, we have always been able to laugh. Together we can conquer the world! He is like breathing to me. I always feel like I don't know where I end and he begins. But not in a way that takes away from each other. I think we complete each other and make each other better. I have loved watching him become the man that he is. I always saw the great potential in him. He lived up to my every expectation and then some. I hear so many complain about their husbands but I really can't find anything to complain about. One friend told me that even when Thayne is a jerk he is better than most men! There have been times that I just want to be mad at him for a while and he does something like send me an email telling me how much he loves me and to please help him be better.... how can you be mad at that?



I always think I love him as much as you could possibly love a person, and then something happens that make me love him more. Each time we have a child and I see the look on his face as he watches them, each time I watch him with one of our children, I fall in love even more. I look at him and see the boyish face I fell so completely in love with and my heart beats a little faster. But I also see the face of the man that has given so much, worked so hard for his family and it amazes me. I see what he rose above to what he has become and I am in awe! I am so thankful to be his wife!!!


Happy Anniversary! I look forward to forever with you!!!

ARGH!!! I hate the first week of summer!!!

I woke up with a migraine this morning! Maybe it's because I didn't really wake up, since I am not sure I even went to sleep for real last night! Nate was really fussy last night which is completely out of character for him. I thought he was getting sick but he got up fine and happy as could be this morning. Kami came in about midnight and asked if she could sleep in my bed. I tried to convince her that if she wasn't going to sleep in her own bed, to sleep on the couch. She was having nothing to do with THAT plan! I wasn't even in bed yet so by the time I got there she was sprawled out on my side while Thayne was smack in the middle of the bed. I'm not sure when Hayden showed up and climbed in on Thayne's side because of a 'nightmare' (I'm not buying it! lol). So I am cramped, and uncomfortable. I moved Kami to the floor with a big, warm, fuzzy blanket. That lasted just long enough for me to think I was going to fall asleep. She had to sleep pressed against my back. Didn't matter where or how many times I moved her. Nate's monitor kept going off and he was fussy, wouldn't eat before bed. So I finally put him in bed to nurse him to sleep. He was happy with that. I wasn't, because now I had a baby in the front and a 3 year old clinging to my back. I kept kicking the quilts down because I was hot, but then would get cold. There was no winning last night. This morning, I was so hot from the quilt and Kami was still smashed against me and I hear her mumble, "Mama, your bumbum is HOT!" That is probably the only humorous thing I will have heard all day!!!!

Then I hear my usually emotionally stable 15 year old fighting with the 11 year old over CEREAL!!! Yes, FOOD!!! My 8 and 9 year old boys are downstairs fighting about, well, I am not even sure I know what they are fighting about. I put them both on the bed. My 6 year old sounds like she is starting the melt down she has at least once a day. Let's hope it is only ONCE today! Not to mention that at the moment it is 49 degrees, but at least it says it will be mostly sunny... which is a big jump from the SNOW we had yesterday! If I hear, "MOM... can you tell..." one more time today I think I will explode! My head is still throbbing. I need to shower and get over to the video store and I still have a mountain of laundry to fold and put away and another mountain to wash. It usually takes a couple of weeks for everyone to settle into a routine but I am not sure my sanity will last that long! My heart is aching over my 18 year old, but that would be a whole other post I am not sure I am ready to write!

Oh, the joys of summer! From 6am on I hear, "Can I have a popcycle, can I have a treat, can I have milk, can I have.... " fill in the blank! WAHAHAHAHAHAHA, the joy of being a mother!!! Is it Friday yet? I need a date night!!! Of course tomorrow is our 22nd anniversary so it better be a REAL date night!! I can't believe that 22 years ago today I was waiting to marry my best friend. I was so excited. I was so naive! :P Who knew having kids would be the greatest gift, and the greatest challenge???!!! Who knew that it was possible to love somebody so completely that it feels like breathing to be with them!

I guess it's time I find something to eat so I can take something for this migraine before it puts me down for the count!!! Wish me luck!!!

Sometimes life is just tragic...

And there is nothing you can do about it. I went to a funeral today. For a 6 year old boy. To see the casket that small is heart wrenching. We know the grandparents, who basically raised him. They were in so much pain. His 15 year old sister was driving the car. She barely had her learner's permit. It was at about 1:30am and another kid that we know had serious head and neck injuries. There is peace in the gospel and knowing that he is fine. But even with the peace, there is the matter of living day by day without him. Isn't that always the case? You can know and believe something with all of your heart but living it is something completely different. I know when I am struggling with severe depression I feel like there are two of me. One has absolute hope, absolute faith in the Savior and the atonement and all that I know is very real and true. But the flesh is weak. While my soul is happy, my body is aching. It makes no sense, but makes absolute sense just the same.

The same day this little boy was killed in the accident, there were 2 other accidents on the intersection we have to cross all of the time. It's only a matter of time before somebody is killed there. I always hold my breath when I know my kids are driving through it. Anytime I see the lights and hear the sirens I take a mental tally on where everyone is. I don't relax until they are all accounted for. There was peace in knowing I could lock the door at night and know that all of my children are tucked safely into bed. That doesn't happen very often anymore. I never believed I could hurt for one of my own so much. We are watching one of our children go through some personal struggles. Fighting his own demons right now. If I let myself think too deeply I would curl up in a ball and cry. My heart aches every minute of the day for him. I can't reach him. I can't fix things for him. He has the ability to hurt me more than I believed possible. Children, at times, are horrible for your self esteem, even when you know they are way off base. I have always wondered, even as a teenager, why we all too often make life complicated. I guess my problem is that I see the world in black and white. I always have. I used to say the words, "I have to learn on my own" to my parents but even as I said them, I never, ever believed them. I listened to them and learned from them. And though I might at times walk through shades of gray, you will never hear me justify my mistakes, because again, I believe that life is black and white and it's only my imperfections that make the shades of gray happen. Believing that everything will work out fine doesn't mean that living in the moment isn't a horrible and painful thing at times. I used to have people tell me when I had 6 kids 5 and under to wait until they were all teens. I would shrug it off and wonder how it could be harder.... those 6 kids were not easy. I didn't sleep in years. I actually really enjoy my teens and my adult children (that seems so weird... I went to lunch with Garrett the other day and he carried Nate in and I had this weird flash back when I realized that this was Thayne 21 years ago!!!). But it is SO much harder emotionally to have teens. It was physical work when I had little ones. It is mentally and emotionally hard to be the mom of older kids. You can't control them. Really you wouldn't want to because it is good to watch them grow and learn on their own. But they go through some really hard stuff and there are some things they just have to walk through themselves! Oh to still know everything we thought we knew at 21. I recently had a conversation with my 21 year old. I finally told him that he simply does not have enough life experience to tell me how to parent his siblings... so when he has a few of his own, come back and tell me how it's working for him!!! :)

Here's where the 'life is to be enjoyed, not just endured' comes in. There are lots of moments that try our souls. There are terrible moments that stretch us beyond what we think we are capable. But there are those sweet moments in between that we need to remember to just enjoy. Because we never know when it will be taken away from us. I was watching Nathaniel sleep in my arms yesterday and his little face was so sweet and so amazing. I thought to myself of how I wanted to remember that moment forever, take a snapshot in my mind and keep it in my heart. Because overnight they grow up. Overnight they change before our eyes and we can never get those moments back. It broke my heart to see this family have to bury their sweet little boy. It made me want to come home and hug my own 6 year old, and hug them all a little deeper, a little longer. It makes me want to remember all of the sweet, precious times. Because we never know when our time is up!