Sometimes life is just tragic...

And there is nothing you can do about it. I went to a funeral today. For a 6 year old boy. To see the casket that small is heart wrenching. We know the grandparents, who basically raised him. They were in so much pain. His 15 year old sister was driving the car. She barely had her learner's permit. It was at about 1:30am and another kid that we know had serious head and neck injuries. There is peace in the gospel and knowing that he is fine. But even with the peace, there is the matter of living day by day without him. Isn't that always the case? You can know and believe something with all of your heart but living it is something completely different. I know when I am struggling with severe depression I feel like there are two of me. One has absolute hope, absolute faith in the Savior and the atonement and all that I know is very real and true. But the flesh is weak. While my soul is happy, my body is aching. It makes no sense, but makes absolute sense just the same.

The same day this little boy was killed in the accident, there were 2 other accidents on the intersection we have to cross all of the time. It's only a matter of time before somebody is killed there. I always hold my breath when I know my kids are driving through it. Anytime I see the lights and hear the sirens I take a mental tally on where everyone is. I don't relax until they are all accounted for. There was peace in knowing I could lock the door at night and know that all of my children are tucked safely into bed. That doesn't happen very often anymore. I never believed I could hurt for one of my own so much. We are watching one of our children go through some personal struggles. Fighting his own demons right now. If I let myself think too deeply I would curl up in a ball and cry. My heart aches every minute of the day for him. I can't reach him. I can't fix things for him. He has the ability to hurt me more than I believed possible. Children, at times, are horrible for your self esteem, even when you know they are way off base. I have always wondered, even as a teenager, why we all too often make life complicated. I guess my problem is that I see the world in black and white. I always have. I used to say the words, "I have to learn on my own" to my parents but even as I said them, I never, ever believed them. I listened to them and learned from them. And though I might at times walk through shades of gray, you will never hear me justify my mistakes, because again, I believe that life is black and white and it's only my imperfections that make the shades of gray happen. Believing that everything will work out fine doesn't mean that living in the moment isn't a horrible and painful thing at times. I used to have people tell me when I had 6 kids 5 and under to wait until they were all teens. I would shrug it off and wonder how it could be harder.... those 6 kids were not easy. I didn't sleep in years. I actually really enjoy my teens and my adult children (that seems so weird... I went to lunch with Garrett the other day and he carried Nate in and I had this weird flash back when I realized that this was Thayne 21 years ago!!!). But it is SO much harder emotionally to have teens. It was physical work when I had little ones. It is mentally and emotionally hard to be the mom of older kids. You can't control them. Really you wouldn't want to because it is good to watch them grow and learn on their own. But they go through some really hard stuff and there are some things they just have to walk through themselves! Oh to still know everything we thought we knew at 21. I recently had a conversation with my 21 year old. I finally told him that he simply does not have enough life experience to tell me how to parent his siblings... so when he has a few of his own, come back and tell me how it's working for him!!! :)

Here's where the 'life is to be enjoyed, not just endured' comes in. There are lots of moments that try our souls. There are terrible moments that stretch us beyond what we think we are capable. But there are those sweet moments in between that we need to remember to just enjoy. Because we never know when it will be taken away from us. I was watching Nathaniel sleep in my arms yesterday and his little face was so sweet and so amazing. I thought to myself of how I wanted to remember that moment forever, take a snapshot in my mind and keep it in my heart. Because overnight they grow up. Overnight they change before our eyes and we can never get those moments back. It broke my heart to see this family have to bury their sweet little boy. It made me want to come home and hug my own 6 year old, and hug them all a little deeper, a little longer. It makes me want to remember all of the sweet, precious times. Because we never know when our time is up!