Prom for Celeste....

I have neglected keeping up to date... Tanner took Celeste to her senior prom and she looked absolutely beautiful... he was pretty cute too, but this is all about Celeste! She is such a wonderful young woman and I feel so blessed to know her! Tanner said they had fun and she looked gorgeous so what more could you want for a senior prom!!!

Happy Birthday Hayden

Things got a little crazy and I didn't take the time to wish my sweet Hayden Robert a happy 10th birthday. It doesn't seem possible to think that he is 10. I remember so clearly holding him for the first time and falling completely in love with him. I had a lady tell me that he had to be my first because I looked at him like I was a first time mom holding my baby and looking like I was completely in love with him... I told her he was my first Hayden!!! He has the strongest personality and is such an incredible kid! He loves to read nonfiction books (much to the dismay of his teacher who doesn't seem to appreciate his knowledge of facts about just about everything!!!!) and thinks deeply about everything... how it all works! He is so sweet, and I am so grateful that I get to be his mom!!! We had fun celebrating his birthday and he really liked his cake and presents! He got new clothes and lots of 'cowboy' stuff.... which is really what he wants to be! Happy Birthday sweet Hayden... we love you so much!!! Hayden and Nate waiting to blow out the candles...

Nate was being silly and had Hayden laughing.....

Nate thinks he is boss and helped Hayden blow out the candles and then went to work taking out the candles....

Yum, yum, the icing is good!!!

Silly Tiffany and Kami... your tongues are black!!!!!

Tanner and Celeste came to visit too!

Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes no!

We asked for 2 miracles today. We got one... that's pretty good. Yesterday during general conference there was an amazing talk that said, "Never let an earthly circumstance disable you spiritually." I realized that we have had a whole lot of earthly circumstances that have encouraged us to turn to the Lord and to tell Him, "Thy will be done" even when it hurt us to say it. Last week things looked scary and we all felt that we could be dealing with something very serious with Kailee... there were a whole lot of prayers and a couple of beautiful Priesthood blessings. Today we got to the doctor's office and I felt like I wanted to throw up. I asked Thayne if he would say a prayer before we walked in and he did. I went into the bathroom and prayed again and instantly I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and that we would see our miracle with her. It has been interesting to see Kailee during this time. She said that no matter what she knew that she would walk through it and be fine. I know that she meant exactly that... whether the answer was that she would be fine, or if she wasn't. Her faith is amazing. But I saw in my mind a wonderful miracle. We also have the sweetest pediatrician who rushed the tests through and called us immediately with the results. And after all of this... the results are that this sweet, precious, beautiful girl is completely healthy! It's weird... the bruises literally disappeared, even though they lasted weeks before. Everything we worried about was better and there was no sign of anything wrong! I know you could call it a coincidence, but we know better... we know the miracle that took place and we are grateful that this time, the answer was yes!

I wish it would have been for everything... we were so excited with the knowledge that #16 was on it's way. A few days ago I started spotting. It's not getting worse, but it is just there... so today we finally got to the ER... after waiting forever, we had blood work done, an ultrasound and some other tests. The doctor is trying to tell me that I am just not as far along as I know I am and said that I need to come back in 2 days for more blood work... that everything looks perfect for a 5 1/2 week pregnancy... even though I know that is impossible. I hate that he didn't listen to me... that he didn't hear what I know... that I KNOW it isn't possible. Why give false hope. I didn't lose a month... I am losing this baby! I feel heart broken, sad, and yet, I have felt the comfort that only the Savior can give me... I know that there are some that think it is their right to judge our lives, and feel they know what we should or shouldn't do... but I know that we have always tried to live our lives the way the Lord would have us... and I know that we are where we are supposed to be with the Lord. And that there is something to be learned even in this!

So today we got one yes answer, and one no... and I am okay with trusting that for whatever reason the Lord is guiding our lives and teaching us to trust Him even when the answer is no. We are so blessed... I am so blessed to be the mother of these children that are so kind, so good... with hearts of gold. I have the most amazing husband who carries my burdens with me, and who has blessed the lives of our family in ways I cannot even begin to put into words. His heart is so pure, and his goodness is beyond measure... he is a man with faults and fears, yet he has a humility that always allows him to grow. I have a Heavenly Father that shows His love for us in so many ways, everyday. So while I may mourn that the answer was no right now... I will trust that no experience is wasted, and that I will stand firm in the knowledge that I will not allow any earthly circumstance disable this family spiritually. They will see us standing firmly planted in the knowledge that Heavenly Father has a perfect plan for our lives and is in control when we allow Him to guide us! And I am so thankful for so many friends that prayed for us... for those that brought this miracle into being. Thank you!

Appointments yesterday...

We made the run to Salt Lake yesterday for appointments for Kassi and Nathaniel... Kassi will be getting braces in 2 weeks. And we had Nate's follow up with the ENT about his upper GI and swallow study. We got a lot of information but again we were told that he has the most horrible reflux. You know it's bad when they say it's the worst reflux they have seen in a 2 year old at a major children's hospital! We are now headed back to the GI specialists to follow up on his medication and possible to see the surgeons to see if we will need to go forward with surgery to help him. The acid is damaging his lungs because he is constantly aspirating. We will see the pulmonary doctors again to see if we can strengthen his lungs too. All in all it was a successful trip, we found some great deals at the AE store, got the imprints so Kassi can go back in 2 weeks for braces and got Nate on 2 more meds to help with the reflux... guess we'll see what happens with the next few appointments!

Monday...

Monday at 1:30pm Kailee will be going to see the doctor for a complete physical and blood work to find out why she bruises for no reason. We are concerned... we are sometimes scared. This is the reason I want to wrap us in the cocoon and protect them from the world... I don't want to see my sweet daughter go through this. In some ways I just want to close my eyes, and pretend it isn't happening. There is a concern. But I want to say this... no matter what, we will all be fine. Life isn't about getting through it without trials... we believe we were sent here to be tested. And it isn't what the test is, but how we get through that test. So while I have moments of wanting to circle the wagons and demand that we not have anything hard thrown at us, that isn't the way life works. So while we may want to stomp our feet and demand a do over, we can't do it and we know that every challenge makes us better if we face it with courage and with dignity. We know that Heavenly Father will carry us through with His love, and with the peace that comes when we completely rely on Him. I think of being a mom, being a parent to these incredible children and I find that while I will never understand what it took for Him to allow His perfect Son to die for me, when I watch my own children suffer I have a greater understanding and a greater appreciation of that sacrifice and the love that it took to do it. And I love the Savior for what He did... because I know that He felt everything I am feeling, and that He will offer perfect compassion, perfect empathy for what we face now. I don't just believe in miracles... I expect them, because I have seen them many times in my life. Of course there are moments when the deceiver whispers that we have used up our miracles... as if there is a certain quota when it comes to miracles... and I have to push those feelings away and remember that we will never be alone and that no matter what, all is well. So while we will be praying, and praying, and asking for prayers... we know that we will face whatever comes and trust that we will be better because we have walked through it.

I will not dread Monday... I will have faith that Monday will be a wonderful day!

A moment in time...

There are moments in life when you wish you could go back... just reverse time to the second before everything changed and your life started spinning out of control in a way that could terrify you if you let go of your feelings for just one second. That second before, 24 hours before... the day before your world changed in such a drastic way that you feel like you have been sucker punched, like you are falling in a black hole, grasping for the sides, begging for a rope to stop your fall, wanting so badly to wake up from a nightmare that keeps playing over and over in your mind... tightening it's grip on your heart until it feels like you can't survive another second. Thinking of all of the ways life could possibly change. Stopped cold when somebody says it sounds like Job... and yet, not quite like Job, because our friends have not betrayed us, but wondering if we have the faith, the courage to keep moving forward and not look back. Yet, for a moment turning into a pillar of salt sounds almost better... less painful than what you know you must face. Wishing to wrap our family in the cozy cocoon that our home has always been... like a cold winter night, with the storm outside raging, yet we are warm and cozy inside with the roaring fire...keeping the cold away. I want that cocoon right now... I want to circle the wagons and demand that the outside world leave us alone... let us go back to the moment before everything changed... before we have to face the cold dark night. We won't be alone... we have each other and we have the knowledge that sometimes the storms will rage around us and the only peace we will be able to find is within our own hearts... holding on tight to each other and praying for the winds to stop blowing, for the nightmare to end, to go back to that second, that moment before the storm began.

Yes, that is what I feel right now... and it hurts.

So grateful to be their mom....

I love being a mom to these amazing people... I joke that I can never take credit for them being good because I am not going to take credit for them being bad... but honestly I am in awe of the amazing spirits they were blessed with. Yesterday I went with Kailee, Kassi and Kinzee to the young women's broadcast. As I listened to the talks, I thought of what amazing young women these girls are. They do arise and shine forth and stand firm in the things they believe. They don't feel the need to fit in. Instead they accept everyone, without judgment. They love to pull anyone and everyone into their circle and they love unconditionally. The light of the Savior truly does shine in them. Recently Kassi asked a girl in school who claims to be one thing, but acts a completely different way why she felt the need to criticize and cut everyone down behind their back. This girl had hurt a lot of people and Kassi wanted to know why! This girl then told her that she didn't realize that was what she did and that she would try to change. I am grateful that they don't feel the need to fit in with the crowds, or have to change who they are to accepted. They are who they are, they do not sway with the wind and they are beautiful inside and out because they know who they are and what they believe! After the broadcast we went to dinner with Shelly and Bri and had a great time.

Last night we went cosmic bowling with most of the older kids and several of their friends. Kimi, Matt, Tanner, Kailee, Kassi, Kinzee, Willie, Tiffany, and their friends Bri, Tanner and Kenah. It was so much fun laughing and dancing and bowling and talking. It is such a blessing to be a part of their lives. It is such a blessing to have a relationship where they insist that we go with them! I imagined when I dreamed of having this family that it would be like this and I am so grateful that the dream has become a reality. I love having a houseful of people, laughing, talking, teasing and playing together. It is a blessing to have them just hanging out. It's fun to have Matt come over on the weekends and when Jace and Caitlyn and Tiffany and Garrett are here hanging out. I love to hear them laughing and interacting and you can truly feel love... it's something alive, and something very real! It is a blessing when they figure out that the things that you have taught them their whole lives really are true and when they want to be what they were raised to be! I know that we will have hard times and that life won't always be smooth but I am grateful to know that we will always have each other to lean on and that we can always count on our family to get us through!!!

So today, I count my blessings and find joy in the little things, like everyone hanging around in the kitchen and laughing and teasing while breakfast was made this morning... I am grateful to watch our family growing, seeing the kids find the love and joy that Thayne and I still feel and to see the joy on their faces as they find the things that matter most in their own lives!

All in a day....

There are some days when you feel like you want to just climb back in bed and start the whole day over.... like today!

I'm pretty sure the day started at 1:30am when Nate woke me up jerking my hand, stomping his foot and demanding, "MOM!!!" To which I stumbed out of bed to be taken to the kitchen, fridge opened and he hands me a Pediasure. No doubt he was starving since he had been so sick yesterday. I didn't really go back to sleep after that and just dozed until I really had to get up. That's where the fun began...

I had been asked to take dinner to a lady at church so I got the crock pot down and threw in all but one of the roasts I had bought because I decided to cook their meal in the oven. But decided to get ready to go first and get Nate ready to go, he had a doctor appointment early. Then got a call from Kailee saying that I needed to bring another key because the key she had wasn't opening the video store. Left to get to the store and found that none of the keys worked... the lock was jammed or something! But we had to run to the doctor. Got there and Nate was a bit scared thinking he was going to get another shot but we convinced him it was okay and the appointment went much better. Dr H said she was ready to admit him yesterday and was afraid he would be worse but thankfully he had improved a tiny bit (we had so many people praying for him I am not sure he could have done anything other than improve!!!) and that the pneumonia was breaking up, but that he is still a very sick little boy! Headed back out to the video store... went to ask the video owner if they happened to have a key to the back door... nope, they didn't. So we called one locksmith and got no answer. Called another and well.... let's just say that after much wait and stress the man left the door exactly how we found it this morning... thank heavens! His idea was not to actually FIX it, but to drill a hole in the door and break in! I came home because I had to get the dinner going and get Nate his medicine and breathing treatment and get a couple phone calls made and get things ready before I go to work at Curves. Thankfully Kailee was able to get in touch with the other locksmith and Kimi and Kassi were able to meet him over at the store and get it taken care of and oh MY, he was able to do it without drilling a hole in the door!!! :) I got the dishes done and a couple of loads of laundry finished and cleaned up a little bit and then got to work right on time!!! Kept busy there but thankfully was able to close a few minutes early since everyone had left and I got home exhausted and ready for bed... except the house was insane because Kimi was all wound up and H.A.P.P.Y because Matt is coming tomorrow. It's finally time for bed and I really need to sleep since I open tomorrow but now I am exhausted, but not really tired! Love days like this!!!

Pneumonia AGAIN....

I don't think I have felt so afraid since the last time Nate was flown to Primary's as I felt today. He got up sicker than he has been in a very long time... we couldn't get him moving at all and I knew he was very, very sick. I called his doctor and told them that he is worse than he was yesterday, breathing extremely fast and still running a fever even after being on antibiotics since Monday. He was sick all weekend, and they told us when they did do the dental surgery that the breathing tube could make his respiratory problems worse. It definitely did! They told me to get him right in so I loaded up and ran to town. When our nurse checked his oxygen we knew we were in trouble... it was in the low 80's. When Dr. H came in and started her exam the fear I was feeling was mirrored in her face and I felt a little dizzy and sick! She listened closely and told me that his lungs were full and crackling and that we needed to act on this right now. He got a shot of Rocephin and changed his antibiotic since what he was on wouldn't break up the pneumonia... and that they would see him first thing in the morning to determine whether or not he would be admitted to the hospital. She said if he hasn't turned a corner tomorrow morning he would have to be admitted... but if he got even the tiniest bit worse tonight to get right to the hospital. I think she is a little more lenient on me since we have pretty much everything here to watch over him... I could monitor his oxygen levels and know if he was getting worse. We are doing constant breathing treatments and banging on his back to get the gunk broke up. Thayne tells him to cough and he does on demand which helps too since we HAVE to get that stuff out of his lungs! He is so sweet that he will sit and take the treatment and we told him that he needed to or he would have to go to the hospital.

Tonight Thayne, Garrett and Jace gave him a Priesthood blessing. I am always amazed at the faith of this little boy. He folds his arms and he knows, you can see that he truly believes that the blessing is going to make him better and it never fails that Thayne ends up in tears telling me what a strong spirit this little man has.... add that to the power of the prayers that go up immediately from friends from all over when they hear he is sick, and well... I guess I would have to say that anyone who doesn't believe in the power of prayer has never met our sweet Nater's. Because he is a walking, talking miracle and I feel so blessed to be his mom!

Hopefully tomorrow will bring nothing but good news and we can get this little boy on the mend and keep him healthy and well. I am still so frustrated that they didn't qualify him for the Synagis shots this year... last year through the winter he didn't have one respiratory illness... this year he has had bronchitis or pneumonia every single month since October. It is so frustrating. It is so hard to watch him suffer... but we are so grateful for all of the prayers that have brought him through the illnesses safely!

Sweet Relief for Nate...

This has been such a long haul waiting to get Nate's teeth fixed. The poor little boy... he had 4 deep cavities that we knew of for sure. The problem... we had to get definite answers about his reflux, was he aspirating, what was going on there before any dentist would even think of putting him under to fix the teeth... and it seemed the only option was to put him under. Finally we get the answers and get referred to another dentist, that we had to go to Idaho to see. After driving a little over 2 hours, and waiting over 2 hours to even be seen... yes they were running terribly behind... the dentist messed around with his mouth for a few minutes only to say that there was no way they were going to put him under with his history of breathing issues.... and referred us to Primary Children's! DUH! Why didn't we think of that in the first place??? So last Monday, after getting the message the doctor had left on Friday, called us and said to come in today. Now, the worry begins because, as been the norm, he had a fever late Friday night, all night Saturday and Sunday too, and was coughing horribly all night long. So I feared when the nurse came in to check him they would refuse to take care of him. Sure enough she left us to get the doctors to see what they were going to do. Thankfully, a sweet older man who was going to be the aneshesiologist said that with any other kid they would likely send him home, but it was obvious that we were constantly dealing with a window of opportunity with Nate and this might be as good as it gets. He told us his associates would most definitely decline to do the surgery, but he had a good feeling and he might be a cowboy but we were going to get the baby done!!! I didn't know if I felt absolutely terrified or completely relieved at that moment... was it possible to feel both??? He told me he would be giving him some antibiotics and would write a presciption too and then we walked back to the operating room. They told us to come in and shut the door so nobody could see us since we were breaking rules by not being in a sterile 'bunny' suit! Thayne helped hold him down while they gave him rootbeer flavored gas and then he was out. We were both a nervous wreck and ended up walking downstairs to get something to eat. I thought it was kind of funny when the nurse in the waiting room gave us instructions on how to get to the cafeteria... if only she knew the hours I spend there while at the hospital with our little man! They told us it would take about an hour and a half barring no complications... but even warned us with his respitory problems it could be an all nighter... so we walked down, came back up within about 25 minutes and no sooner sat down and here was our sweet cowboy coming out to tell us it owuld be about 15 more minutes and he had done just fine!!! I could have hugged him! Nate was not a happy camper about the iv in his foot and he was mad at the bandaid and the nurse bugging him. But he was in recovery for about 15 minutes and we were gone!!! We went to eat and then drove home while he slept comfortably in the car. He was so happy to be home and reveled in the attention he always seems to get when he walks in the door... he chased Jace around and showed off his new stuffed animal which is absolutely adorable.... and that is that! Our day is complete and now I would just love to crawl into bed!!!