The Adjustment Bureau

We went to The Adjustment Bureau the other night...

It seems like there have been some really depressing,

really not so good movies lately.

And we manage to go to them!

So I didn't hold out much hope that I would leave feeling glad I went.

But I am glad we went.

I wish that they didn't have to add that one word that I detest!

It's rare to get a movie without it anymore...

but that word aside,

I loved that I walked out of the theater happy!

My favorite quote of the entire movie:

Most people live life on the path we set for them.
Too afraid to explore any other.
But once in a while people like you come along
and knock down all the obstacles we put in your way.
People who realize free will is a gift,
you'll never know how to use until you fight for it.
I think that's The Chairman's real plan.
And maybe, one day, we won't write the plan.
You will.

Free will...
Free will is something that means a lot to me.
It is something that we believe we fought for long before we came to this earth.
We believe it is the reason we are here.
So the concept of this movie was really interesting to me.
That you'll never know how to use it until you fight for it.
It's something worth fighting for.
We have the right to decide how we will live our lives...
we decide how we will choose.
The interesting thing in the movie,
and in real life
is how many people give up their 'free will' and let others lead them this way
and that way...
how often decisions are made that will take away the agency we have been granted.
We get to make decisions,
but we don't get to choose consequences.
Every choice leads us to somewhere.
Last night at a youth meeting, of questions and answers
the question of why we shouldn't try drinking, or drugs...
what's the harm?
I tell my kids they might be one that it really doesn't affect.
But then they might... just maybe,
be the one where those things become bondage...
maybe they will be the one,
Who's body is made up in just the way that they become addicted.
And they become enslaved,
and they lose their 'free will'...
they lose the right to decide what they do with their destiny.
Free will IS a gift.
And I will write my own destiny!!!

I loved the movie,
because in the end they decided what they were going to do.
How they were going to choose.
How they were going to live.
There are always forces that try to take us away
from the destiny that is supposed to be ours.
It is a fight, in every way
to live our lives in a way that will determine
our forever!

20 weeks already

I can't believe how quickly the weeks are flying by.

I am really not okay with it.

I cannot wait to hold this baby in my arms

but for now I am loving every moment of this miracle!

I love feeling his kicks.

It won't be long before Thayne can feel them too.

I really popped lately but I am really okay with it.

I feel so happy and so good!

I went for my check up and the student doctor kept asking

if I was sure I had no problems.

I don't know why that is so surprising.

Isn't that what we hope for?

I want to cherish every second of this pregnancy.

I want to remember every kick, every hiccup.

I know the time will come soon enough that I will be uncomfortable

but for now...

I love being pregnant.

I love to dream about who he is,

what he will look like.

I can't wait to see the kids with him.

They are so excited and are already kissing my belly good night.

There are so many things I want to get done while I still can.

I love buying the little clothes.

Nate walks around holding them,

telling me how cute his 'brudder' is going to look in them.

The kids love looking at baby stuff in the stores

and tell me what we have to buy for him.

Usually I want the time to fly by.

But not this time.

I want to hold on to now!

They grow up too fast.

I can't believe that this little guy will be over a year old when Tallin

comes home from his mission.

It's funny that in one way I want time to fly,

to see Tallin again.

But I mostly want to enjoy the here and now!

Less than 17 weeks left!

WOW!

I will just hold on and love every second of this wonderful time!

Making others smile!

I have thought about this so often,

but I thought about it again on our trip yesterday to Utah

for my doctor appointment and for the girls' ortho appointment.

I am blessed to be a mother of such amazing children.

I hear people complain about teen girls...

and I can say in absolute honesty that I have never, ever

had a problem with my teen girls.

Ever!

They are so fun...

they are so amazing.

They are so full of life.

They bring people JOY!

They ARE a joy!

My little girls are awesome too!

I love that they love 80's music...

and that we can turn it up and laugh and sing.

I love that we laugh and play and have so much fun together.

And that they can sing the words to every song that I grew up listening to!

When we went to Kimi's last weekend,

Kailee and I laughed and sang and talked and laughed some more.

Yesterday Kassi and I laughed, and sang and talked and laughed some more!

I love how they love to bring joy to others.

They want people to be happy.

When I worked in the grocery stores,

I loved to try to make grumpy people smile.

I loved to do that when I worked at Curves also.

It was my goal to make others smile.

I see my girls doing that now too.

Yesterday at the stop lights

Kassi danced!

Crazy, wild, dancing.

People in the cars next to us were just sitting there

some looking really grumpy.

And then they saw Kassi...

they watched,

and they smiled...

some laughed.

A truck driver with long white hair and a long white beard

sad with a frown on his face.

And then he saw Kassi...

and the smile started, and got larger

and pretty soon he was dancing himself!

Another guy, probably my dad's age

started laughing and gave me the thumbs up.

The old guy sitting at the bus stop,

looking all alone...

and then Kassi started singing out the window to him,

"I want to marry you."

And he smiled, and laughed and waved!

Isn't that what life is all about...

just make somebody smile...

even if it is just for a minute.

One kid slumped against the light pole waiting to cross the street,

and Kassi sang to him too...

and told him she liked his hair.

His hair was really cool...

but he walked across the street like he owned it...

she made his day!

I love these girls.

They love others...

they love life.

And they find joy in living it!

Love you girls...

Thanks for being such a great example to me!!!

Kassi said to make a thinking face...

whatever that is! ;)

I was just trying to hold up my double chin!!!

Road trip to Utah!

Road trip to Kimi's....

Going to Kimi's

We headed out to Kimi's first thing Saturday morning...

It was fun seeing the hot air balloon across the road as we were leaving

and I looked forward to the time we would get to spend with Kimi.

The kids were looking forward to going and were excited to get

to go swimming while we were there.

Kimi lives in a whole different area than we do...

we live in the boonies, or so it seems

compared to the cute little neighborhood Kimi lives in.

The pool was a huge hit with them.

The kids love to play Wii with Kimi and Matt also so lots of time was spent

competing on the Wii!

We ate at Applebees TWICE...

because well...

NATE insisted!

I know...

we have ruined him.

He loves the spinach artichoke dip

and eats it by the spoonful!

I am fine with it because it is one of my favorite places.

But the kids were teasing us because we went

saying it was because Nate was having a melt down.

What can I say...

we are older parents now

and it is our job to spoil the younger kids

so the older ones have something to complain about!!!

We loved being with Kimi and Matt.

Even if it ended up being a quick trip.

I decided it was better to see Kimi for 2 short days

than to not see her for another month or two!

Nate kept going out to the back yard and then would come and get me

and tell me that Kimi's yard is pretty cute...

he would take me around the side of the house and tell me

that it is cute on this side too!

Love you Kimi...

Can't wait to see you again!!!!

Kimi's surprise!!!

Keeping a secret in this family is like...

I don't know...it is like a miracle...

we managed to pull of the biggest surprise for Kimi ever.

I am proud of Matt for not saying a word.

He in turn is very proud of the kids for not giving it away on Facebook

since he thought for sure that they would slip!

To add insult to injury Kailee told Kimi that we were going to Utah my cousin's'daughter's wedding.

Kimi was heartbroken thinking we would drive that far but not go to other way to see her.

I told Kailee that was beyond mean but you know sisters!!!

What ever it takes to get a rise out of her.

We finally made it and told Matt to meet us at Applebees!

Once she saw the cars it seems she punched her poor husband!

Really... she punched him!

But it was a surprise for her... she shouldn't be upset about that!

In the end she wasn't mad...

she was very excited and happy that we were there.

We couldn't be there very long but I am so grateful that we had time to hang out,

time to be a family.

The kids were all excited that they got to see their Kimi... AND MATT!

We set Kimi up a couple of times and told the people it was her birthday so she got sang to

and loved every second of it regardless of how she protested!

I love you Kimi Nichole!

I am so happy to be your mom and I am so happy to see how much

you love your family!

Wishing you the gift of your heart's desire!

You are precious to me...

so amazing, so full of lofe,

and have so many wonderful things to give!

5 years?

It seems impossible to believe the early morning phone call came

5 years ago this morning.

Jace...

calling to tell me that late the night before

his best friend took his own life.

I knew that things would never be the same for Jace again.

For anyone who knew and loved him.

It was going to hit Hayden hard too since Kevin and Jace picked him up

everyday from kindergarten.

5 years.

It is so much easier to hurt as a mom, than to watch your children hurting.

There is nothing you can do but stand beside them,

cry with them,

and pray.

And we prayed. Some nights it felt like I fell asleep praying

and woke up praying.

I watched something break inside my son.

I was afraid for him.

His brother, who was his best friend also, was in the MTC

ready to serve a 2 year mission,

and now the other friend, who was like a brother also,

was gone.

After all he did to try to save him.

And he tried!

He was the kind of friend everyone would hope to have.

And my heart breaks even now thinking about the scars left on Jace's heart.

He defied the principal who wouldn't let them in any way recognize Kevin.

I knew he would.

They had jerseys of kids hanging on the gym wall of kids who died while drinking

and driving...

but Kevin committed suicide so his friends weren't supposed to recognize him.

Jace did.

Some of them wore black armbands

but Jace took Kevin's picture across the stage with him.

I wish there was a way...

to have made him understand the pain he would leave behind.

I wish that he could have seen the tears that were cried for him.

Would his decision have been different if he knew he was ripping the hearts out

of all of those who loved him?

How can we make others see that the pain we feel now will get better.

When you make this choice,

that's it.

You can't take it back.

Depression is real.

It's dark and it hurts...

it's a monster.

We can't judge from the outside who is suffering on the inside.

The popular athlete... cute, talented, friendly, outspoken...

can be carrying pain that few others can see.

Sometimes you only recognize it if you have the ability to look inside...

few people care enough about others to really see.

Few care enough to put it all on the line and love and be willing to carry

the burdens of another.

And sometimes even that isn't enough.

It was hard on Jace.

He felt like he failed.

He didn't!

In the end we all are accountable for the choices we make...

and thankfully we aren't the one that will have to judge

the heart and mind of another.

But I know that when Jace faces the Lord,

he will be able to say he did all he could and loved all he was able and the Lord will

tell him that even though the pain was horrible,

it made him a better man.

He is more compassionate,

more sympathetic and caring and is more able to love others.

He learned character... he gained integrity.

One night while Jace was in the hospital he was short tempered...

he was suffering and had reason to be frustrated.

But I told him as we left that our true character has nothing to do with how we behave

when everything is going right.

We show our integrity,

we show our character

when everything is going wrong.

When we hurt.

When we are suffering.

How we treat others then

is what we are really made of.

The things he has gone through, the pain, the loss...

it has refined him.

After that night in the hospital almost 2 years ago

I rarely see him act out,

I do not see him act unkind.

I see that the fire has truly refined him and while he will always grow,

he walked through the heartache and the pain

a better man.

He will miss Kevin forever.

March 13th will always be a day when he pauses and thinks of him.

He will forever be changed because he knew him.

But I think he will be better in the end because of it.

I think where Kevin is he is learning and growing also...

and I know that now Kevin is watching out for Jace.

I know it!

Jace did all he could to take care of Kevin...

Kevin will do the same for Jace now too.

That's how friendships work.

We all miss him.

It's hard not to wonder where they all would be today...

5 years later.

Wish we could have helped Kevin see that life is worth living.

I hope we all learned from him.

I hope we all love better...

that we are all willing to show that we will carry the burdens of others.

We need each other!

We all have scars on our hearts that the eye can't see.

Level 3 ultrasound

I have been looking forward to, and dreading this event since the day I found out I was pregnant. There is nothing I love more than seeing my unborn babies. Every ultrasound is like the first time. It's funny that you can be so excited about something time after time after time! But I was also nervous. Scared silly is more accurate! I am always nervous before an ultrasound but this particular ultrasound was extremely nerve wracking to me. Because I am 'advanced maternal age' and because I have had 10 c-sections, I know that there are a million little things to worry about. Since before I got a positive test, I had a feeling I might be pregnant and I was already praying that if I was, to please, please let the placenta implant at the back of my uterus. With some of my last few pregnancies I had an anterior placenta and besides the risk of bleeding when they cut through it, I knew that there was an incredible risk of placenta accreta or placenta percreta. Worst case, but depending on what and where you read the chances are really high! So I have prayed, and prayed that the placenta would be in the back. I had a feeling it probably wasn't anterior because I heard the heartbeat so early, before my first appointment even. But still I was concerned. Also knowing I am well beyond when they start saying you are AMA... there are risks to the baby. Before we went to the appointment I asked Thayne for a Priesthood Blessing. I love my husband! I love that he knows me so well the he knew I would need one, and I love that he honors the Priesthood so much that he is prepared to give me one. The blessing was absolutely amazing. I felt like the Lord was talking straight to me. It told me what a gift this child was, that we had been willing to walk through the trials and that this ultrasound would be a witness of the Lord's hand in our lives and in this pregnancy and that we will find such great joy with this baby! Peace settled over me and while I was still anxious and a bit nervous to get the show on the road, I was very excited! The ultrasound tech wasn't awesome, but definitely wasn't terrible. She was at least willing to talk... I asked her where the placenta was and she said in the back of my uterus. I felt like jumping up and down and screaming for joy... all I could think to do was say "Thank You!" to my Heavenly Father for answering that prayer!!! We then went on to see a 3 vessel cord, 4 chambers of the heart, no cleft, 2 kidneys, liver good, brain good, spine good, 10 fingers, 10 toes, no markers for downs, although we know that this is no guarantee we are taking all of the good news we can get. Thayne asked how we would handle it if the baby had downs... I said the same way we handle all of them... love him! But so far everything looks wonderful! He has Thayne's nose... like so many of our kids do. It always makes me smile when I recognize the nose in the ultrasounds since I love his nose! :) Then the doctor that reads the scan came in to go over it with me. I was really grateful that we didn't have to wait to officially hear the results. She said everything looks AMAZING! She then asked me to go through my pregnancy history. It seems she also thinks I am a freak of nature and that I have defied every law when it comes to pregnancy and c-sections. Thayne and I were both very happy with our conversation with her. We mentioned that we were concerned at another 37 week or earlier delivery and we wondered about me staying in Salt Lake for a week and trying to get closer to 38 weeks. She said of course we need to talk to my doctor but she wouldn't recommend it. That at this point delivery at 36 weeks may even be best... that the risks of carrying later than 37 weeks are likely not worth it. I asked her thoughts on steroid shots since every doctor I have talked to say that past 34 weeks they aren't effective and aren't used. She said it was funny that I asked, because there is actually a study through U of U right now that is trying to determine if steroids are worth it later in the pregnancy, as in 36 and 37 weeks and that she would make a note to my doctor to recommend getting me in the study. I was so excited about that. She said either way she would send a note to my doctor recommending we go forward with them anyway. I have had 3 vertical uterine incisions. I know that going beyond 37 weeks is not worth it... but as a mom I want to do EVERYTHING possible to give this baby the best advantage starting out! I told her I was relieved about the placenta being in back. She was actually shocked that I knew the importance of that and that I knew so much about accreta and percreta. As we talked she said that most paitents don't know as much about risks/benefits and that she really had nothing to tell me that I didn't know... of course she doesn't know the smart friends I have on my large family and uterine rupture boards! :) She told me again that whether it was chance, a blessing or what but that I defied odds and that obviously she can't tell me odds when it is apparent that I beat the odds constantly. I told her it wasn't fate, and it wasn't beating the odds, it was a true blessing that we have prayed constantly for! I know that anything can happen... bad things happen everyday... but I DID see the hand of the Lord through the ultrasound and I recognize the great blessing we have been given. This baby is a miracle! The gift of this pregnancy is a miracle! We have been given a gift! I was promised during the first miscarriage that if I was willing to walk through the pain that would come, and learn what the Lord had for me to learn, that He would bless us with a healthy pregnancy and that I would be able to carry that baby to term... I will hold onto that and trust that the Lord doesn't lie... EVER. I will do my part and He will do His! I can't thank my Heavenly Father enough!!! I will forever look at this baby as a gift and a miracle! We have had so many in our life... but I won't take them for granted! I look forward to talking to my doctor now and going forward with making this baby as healthy as possible. We grabbed him a few more little pairs of pajamas and a cute little pair of shoes and I look at them and just want to hold this little man. I love to see how cute the kids are when they see the little clothes and how excited they are! And the funnest part of it all is that while we got to see the 4 chambers of the heart, he kept putting his hand up in front of the heart so they couldn't get the pictures they needed so we get to go back on April 8th and see this sweet baby again soon!!!

The Castle!

Thayne and I knew we had to go to Salt Lake for my level 3 ultrasound

and it was early so we decided to go the day before.

We needed to get to Costco and do some shopping too and looked forward

to going the day before.

I also decided to surprise Thayne with a nice room...

though in the end I couldn't keep it a secret!

We decided to get a room at the Castle Creek Inn...

a Bed and Breakfast that I hope to stay at again very soon!

We stayed in the King's Lodge room...

The whole experience was absolutely terrific!

We went to the temple first.

Such a nice way to start out the day.

Then had lunch in the cafeteria at the temple before heading out

SHOPPING!

We hit Costco and the mall.

In the mall we walked past Motherhood Maternity.

Thayne told me to go check it out and see if I wanted anything.

A youngish girl came up as we were looking at some pants and

asked who we were shopping for, a daughter or somebody else?

Thayne says, "Me, we are shopping for me!"

I laughed... the girl looked confused.

I am pretty sure had she really looked she would have noticed MY maternity shirt.

I hope she would have known...

Thayne says he is teasing and that he will sit in the comfortable chair outside the store.

And told me to have fun.

Hmmm... at first I thought perhaps I look too old to be pregnant??!!

While I am looking this girl asks if she could take the things I picked to try on.

She said she would put them in the changing room.

When I go into the room there are STACKS of clothing.

Weird.

She tells me she picked out some of her favorite things for me to try on.

Only she brought in size X-LARGE pants.

Again... hmmmmmmmm!

Well, I am trying on my selections and she is standing outside of the curtain

telling me she has some more shirts for me to see.

She is talking to me like she thinks I am having my first baby.

Why would someone assume that?

First she thought I was shopping for my daughter

(which of course I will be pleased to do)

but then she thinks I am a first time mom.

Nothing in between???

She asks how far along I am.

I say 19 weeks and she says how exciting because next week I can find out the sex.

I tell her that I found out 3 weeks ago that we are having a boy.

She is shocked that I knew!

Then asks about names but before I could say anything she goes on to tell me how

hard it is to pick out names.

I finally give up...

I tell her we have a name, and that this is my 16th baby!

Gasp!!!

If I thought it was bad before...

she didn't stop after that!

She went on and on about how she thought 6 kids was a lot and she was having 6 and

is it even possible to really have 16.

It seems to be possible...

but what do I know???

There are 2 other women behind the counter talking to me now also.

We were talking about how cute the clothes are now...

so much different than what I had when I was pregnant with Garrett.

I said it would be a shame to not be able to wear these clothes again after this baby.

And the girl pipes in and says,

"Oh, I have a ton of cute maternity clothes I wear all of the time...

and I don't even have kids yet!!!"

Okay, never mind... this explains everything!

She had no clue that I had a cute maternity shirt on because she wears maternity clothes

and isn't even pregnant...

she must assume we all do!!! :)

It took me 45 minutes to get out of the store.

Not because I wasn't ready and didn't want to leave...

this poor girl just couldn't talk and ring me up at the same time.

Every time she started to tell me something new she stopped working

and talked.

I kept glancing out at Thayne...

possibly hoping he would see and come and save me???!!!

She told me about her first conversation with a mall cop...

told me she told her husband shew wants 6 kids...

told me I really should subscribe to a parenting magazine just for the coupons...

told me she couldn't believe I had 15 other kids...

and still I waited.

I got some cute clothes...

but I think we will hit the OTHER mall

and the OTHER Motherhood Maternity next time!

We went to the Outback for dinner.

We laughed, we played pool in the room.

We laughed mored...

We talked and enjoyed every single second of being able to just hang out!

The Inn had movies and treats...

Sugar cookies with powdered sugar frosting in Thayne's words...
"Exactly like yours!!!"

They were delicious.

The jetted tub... awwwww... HEAVEN!

It was lighted and the lights would change going through the colors of a rainbow!

It was just a fun day... fun to be with my best friend. Fun to have nothing to do

but be together.

Fun shopping.

It is just fun to be with Thayne!

Can't wait to do it again!

I am so grateful for amazing kids who not only 'let' us, but encourage us to go

and to know that they are taking care of things here is such a blessing.

We are very blessed to have such amazing kids!

Thanks for all you did to make our get away possible!

Tanner and Kassi... happy birthday to you!

Another year, another year older...

times 2!

Tanner is now 21.

Kassi is 17.

Yes I realize that they are holding the wrong pan of brownies.

They thought they were pulling something over my head by doing it.

I just let them do it to make them feel smart!

Happy Birthday!!!

I was thinking that these two kids,

both born on the 6th of March,

4 years apart

both caused me some serious fear on the day they were born.

I had been in labor for days with Tanner.

When he was finally born I finally got to hold a baby first,

only to have him stop breathing.

It was terrifying, to say the least.

The life flight, the trip to Provo from Price and the fear of what would happen.

I remember just watching him for hours once we brought him home.

I love that boy so much.

I guess he isn't much of a boy now.

But I still look at him and see the little boy who stole my heart

and has always made me worry just a little bit more than normal.

And while he teases Kassi a lot,

he thought it was so awesome to get a sister for his birthday.

And the night she was born it was another emergency,

another time of uncertainty.

When I was pregnant with her I would lay awake at night and feel her moving

and imagine the little girl we were so excited to be meeting.

I felt like I knew her so completely before I ever conceived her

and could feel her personality long before she was born.

There were times in the next 3 1/2 weeks after her birth that I wondered if I would

even live to raise her.

I had bled internally for so long that I shouldn't be alive.

The doctors were amazed.

I would hold her, too weak to even walk from the the living room to the bathroom.

But I would look at her beautiful face and dream of who she would become.

She is so vibrant. So amazing! So fun!!!!

I love being around her because she makes life so exciting!

I feel blessed for all I learned because of them.

Every experience in those times taught me faith, and hope...

and I learned incredible love.

Happy Birthday Tanner!

Happy Birthday Kassi!

Thank you for the joy you have brought to my life.

Thank you for making me laugh!

Every year since we have lived in this house we have taken their picture in front of the fridge on their birthday... they always complain about it, but I think secretly they like it!!!

They are just... FUN! I love to see them laughing and enjoying each other's company!

Glad we didn't put 17 candles on the brownies... it took her long enough to blow the two out that were on there....

Little miss drama queen...

I love a Sunday like this...

I know that we often get out of, what we put into our experience at church. No, not often, that is just how it is. But some weeks it seems like I go through the motions of church and come home knowing I went, but didn't get my cup filled like I should have. But for whatever reason, maybe someone was trying to tell me something today, church was amazing. Well, the parts I was there for. I brought Kailee home early because she got hit with a horrible migraine before it was over, but I was so glad to be in Relief Society and Sunday School. I have been rereading a series of books that I really like... it is The Great And Terrible series and I just started book 1 again. A sentence in the book really stood out to me as I read this morning... "Each was alone in his battle to find the worth of his soul, each alone in his battle to make the right choice."

Then in Relief Society the lesson was taken from a talk given by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf called Of Things That Matter Most and I was asked to read this quote: "Some people can't get along with themselves. They criticize and belittle themselves all day long until they begin to hate themselves. May I suggest that your reduce the rush and take a little extra time to get to know yourself better. Learn to see yourself as Heavenly Father sees you - as His precious daughter with divine potential."

With Kinzee just getting her Young Women Medallion, and me deciding to work on getting mine, since I didn't have the opportunity as a young woman, I was thinking about how it teaches our girls to recognize their divine worth but I was also thinking about how many women do not recognize their own divine worth and how can we teach the girls if we don't know it for ourselves. So the Relief Society lesson was so amazing to me, to hear other women share their perspectives and their ideas on how to recognize their self worth. It is great to hear of others who are working to be the best that they can be also. One lady that I love and have always admired shared something I have thought about before, but she talked about how she married young, started having children right away and kind of put herself in the corner, locked away her hopes and dreams and took care of everyone else. I think that as women we kind of nurture everyone except ourselves sometimes... but I learned many years ago that if I don't fill my cup, I can't keep filling anyone else. Though I admit that I am better at it now than I used to be... it has taken me many years to apply what I already knew, and sometimes I still forget and have to step back and re-evaluate! She shared that she finally talked to someone that told her that wt.e are commanded to love thy neighbor as thyself, and how could we possibly love our neighbor if we don't first love our self? It's true. We often do not take the time to be alone with ourselves... to know who we are, and to love who we are. I think we all are our own worst enemies and judge ourselves to harshly. Yet I think that often we aren't doing enough of our best. It's a fine line to walk.

President Uchtdorf said: "Let’s be honest; it’s rather easy to be busy. We all can think up a list of tasks that will overwhelm our schedules. Some might even think that their self-worth depends on the length of their to-do list. They flood the open spaces in their time with lists of meetings and minutia—even during times of stress and fatigue. Because they unnecessarily complicate their lives, they often feel increased frustration, diminished joy, and too little sense of meaning in their lives.

It is said that any virtue when taken to an extreme can become a vice. Over scheduling our days would certainly qualify for this. There comes a point where milestones can become millstones and ambitions, albatrosses around our necks."

Isn't that the truth... we feel like we have to be busier in order to validate who we are. I guess I need to continue to evaluate my life and see where I can improve and where I need to slow down and cut back.

Sunday School was just as wonderful. We talked about being a disciple of Christ. As we studied Matthew 6 I enjoyed the ideas of how we can better be disciples of Christ. The list included giving charity and service privately. How often do we hear about the 'good' someone has done, but it's those that go about doing good without the praise of the world who are being true disciples. Another is that we must forgive in order to be forgiven. I think the fact is that we all must forgive, regardless of if the other person deserves it or not (because let's face it, it isn't our place to decide!) because if you hold onto your anger and pain, it destroys your own soul. One that I love is that we need to be more concerned with our spiritual side than the wealth of the world, that we need to seek the kingdom of God rather than early things. And that we should serve God, not wealth. We see every time we turn on the TV or listen to the news those that are seeking wealth, or using their wealth for the most vile things. It is frustrating to see how the media idolizes people who are completely crazy... being involved in all kinds of sick and evil are getting air time but you rarely hear the really good! I don't want to hear the latest star ranting and raving about his treatment because he is a drug addict. I especially don't want my kids to think that this is okay!

Being a disciple means we judge righteously because let's face it, we all have to make judgment calls. But first we need to look at ourselves and see where we can improve ourselves first! The thing our teacher talked about was there is no wiggle room for sin. How many times do we all justify our little sins? Or how many times do we justify our UNrighteous judgment?! Too often! I think judging righteously means we are giving people the benefit of the doubt. I had a conversation with a daughter about a lesson they were given in church and she said that she felt like the teacher was looking at them and trying to insinuate that they were somehow doing something wrong. I told her that first, if you are ever teaching a lesson you can't have the spirit with you to teach if you are trying to 'correct' someone else, but also she had nothing to feel badly about because that particular lesson was one that they live faithfully and fully... but that she needed to give the teacher the benefit of the doubt and believe that she was not trying to do anything other than teach them about a concept that everyone needs to know.

The greatest thing is that as we recognize who we are, our own worth, we can weather the storms of life. And life seems to be full of storms, of being tossed and thrown back and forth. I always want to have the peace even in the middle of those storms. Too many people try to say that being a disciple of Christ is hard. It isn't hard... life is hard... doing the right thing is easy. Trusting, knowing who we are is what gets us through the hard things life throws at us and keeps us still smiling, and still standing when things crash down around you! I had a friend that always said she couldn't handle it if she ever lost a child. She was adamant that THAT would be too hard for her to handle. We had the conversation many times.... I remember telling her that I never wanted to say out loud what I could or couldn't handle because I didn't want the Lord to show me exactly how strong I am. I think I would rather say that with the Lord's help and with a deep understanding of the gospel of Jesus Christ that I could get through anything. After all, the purpose of this life is not to get out of it alive... the purpose of life is to get BACK to our Heavenly Father and be able to say to Him, "Thy will be done." I want to hear from Him when my life is finished, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant." I have a long way to go... but I am not going to give up!!!