Memories

While I was going through pictures I found an envelope of pictures we had taken of Nathaniel a couple of days before he was flown to Salt Lake. It was a little bit eery to see them. There was a note on the envelope saying that there had been a family emergency and that we would pick them up when we got home. It's funny that one of the first thoughts that came to me when I climbed on the life flight plane was that we were supposed to pick up his pictures and would he even be alive when I picked them up. They are hard to look at even today. At this point he weighed less than 5 pounds. I had taken him to the doctor numerous times and the answer was mostly that he had jaundice and to feed him more. Not knowing that feeding him could have killed him. I look at these pictures now and see how sick he looked. He had just eaten before these pictures were taken and had stopped breathing again and I had the worst feeling during the session. All of the things we normally enjoy during the first few weeks of life seemed like there was a cloud hanging over. I find it amazing even now how I knew without a doubt that there was something wrong and begging the doctors to please tell me what it was. Just looking at these pictures makes me feel that anxiety and fear all over again! Within days his poor little hands would have needle marks all over them where they had tried and tried to get an IV line in. In a few days he would have a feeding tube and oxygen and we would learn how to live a new way. Looking at these pictures brings back the absolute fear of losing him and the absolute gratitude that he lived. It is interesting that the only 2 times we had professional pictures taken in a studio were the 2 times that he was flown out of here frantically fighting for his life. I am so grateful for the miracle of his life... he has brought so much to our family. He is so cherished and so loved. For now these pictures will go back in the envelope. One day I will take them out and do something with them, but not today. Today I will just hug this little man, and hang out with him and Kami and be grateful for all the miracles we have seen in behalf of this little man!