Broken hearts...

We moved the appointment up with my doctor because I have been spotting for over a week. That isn't anything really unusual for me since I have done it for almost every pregnancy. But we didn't want to wait through the holiday weekend and another week on top of that. After my initial visit with the doctor I was measuring right where I should be but because of the spotting and knowing that I would have to deliver by 37 weeks she sent me for an ultrasound. I have tried very hard to stay positive but I just didn't have a good feeling about things going into the ultrasound. Now I know why. Our sweet baby stopped growing and there was no heartbeat. After discussing the results with my doctor, it was decided that I come home and wait for this to happen naturally... which is tearing my heart out.

I dreaded coming home and telling the kids. I knew how devastating it would be for them. And it makes me love them all the more that they love each other, including this baby that we never got to hold in our arms. I cried all the way home... and then I cried with my sweet children as we mourned together the loss of this life that was so new, and yet so loved and wanted. I can't stop the tears as I think of all that is lost, all of the hopes that are dashed, and how my little ones cried as we talked about this baby, and how Heavenly Father decided to bring His precious spirit back home to Him instead of letting it be born here, to us. I hope that our baby, and I will forever believe he was a little boy, knows how much he was loved, how much he was wanted, how much he was cherished for the very short time he grew within me. He will forever be part of our family. He will forever be missed. How can you know about somebody for such a short time, and feel so connected, so completely in love. Though the pregnancy was a surprise, it was embraced so completely, welcomed with so much excitement... I felt as disappointed in knowing how badly this would hurt the other kids as I did in the fact that I will not hold this little one in my arms. I will hold him in my heart, I will dream of what would have been... but I know that Heavenly Father's plan is a perfect one, and for whatever reason, it was enough that we accepted that plan without question, and embraced it and now mourn because of it. My love for my kids grew even more as I have watched them cry, watched them mourn, watch them love... they are truly amazing. I hope that the little one that was to be part of our family can feel the love that will always be his! I don't know how I am going to get through this right now... it seems like an impossible task to overcome. But I will, I know I will. I will trust the Lord, and know that He will carry me through this. And when I hurt, I have so many sweet sons and daughters to hold on to until I get through that moment. I will cry with Thayne, and hold onto the knowledge that we have forever to work through this together and that our love will continue to grow. But for now, my heart is broken... and I will trust that in time it will mend, though it will forever be changed because of the one that came into our life for such a short time, but taught us just how capable we are to love.

Good bye sweet baby... you will be missed, and you will always be loved.