And so it is done....

I'm not sure how I feel about today. I had my follow up appointment. I went for an ultrasound first and found that the miscarriage was not complete. I guess my heart wasn't letting go of the baby no matter what my body knew... that he was already gone. The ultrasound tech was so wonderful and sweet. People like her are a gift to the profession. She took results of the ultrasound to my doctor before I met with her. The options were clear. I could wait it out, for another week to see what happened, but after 3 1/2 weeks of nothing it wasn't something I was looking forward to, just hoping that it would happen. Another option was a D&C in the hospital, being admitted, put to sleep, not to mention that it is as expensive as giving birth. Or, she said that she felt comfortable now to do it in the office since my uterus had shrunk enough to not worry about complications from the high number of c-sections. Without going into too much detail, let me just say that the 'block' that was given didn't block much, and that a D&C while wide awake and without pain meds is not something I would recommend to anyone... EVER! That was probably the most horrible thing I have ever had done in my life! I told her I felt like she was taking part of my heart as she took what was left of my sweet baby. I wanted to revolt, refuse, find a way to make it be something it wasn't. Yet I feel oddly at peace. Maybe it's just that this has gone on for 3 1/2 weeks and as bad as I wanted to hope, there was no hope and I needed the closure. Poor Thayne. His heart was breaking for me as mine was for our baby. He isn't sure what to feel. He realizes that we lost our baby... a baby that was so real to all of us. But his immediate fear and concern was for me. He wants to protect me, keep me safe from anything that would hurt me. And I love him for that!

My doctor told me she would see me when she sees me, and that she would take care of me when the need was there... whatever that means! She is really an amazing doctor and I know that I would not have my last two babies without her. There was definitely heavenly intervention in finding her! She gave me some antibiotics and some pain medication. At first I thought I might need it so we went to ShopKo to get it filled. Thayne kept asking if I was sure I was okay. I really was. I felt fine. I saw the ultrasound tech there and she said, "So she decided to let you just wait it out?" I told her no, it was all finished and she asked how in the world I was up walking around. It really wasn't a big deal. I really felt fine! Once in a while I would feel a little crampy but all in all I feel fine and we were able to do a little Christmas shopping! I am just so glad that it is over... and still so very sad that it is over! My heart aches for our baby that wasn't to be, that we won't hold in our arms here and now, and adore like all the others have been.... I am just sad. One minute our baby was alive, growing, and then... gone! It just seems so strange... so odd at how quickly life changes.

To make the day even sadder, I had to miss the funeral of a sweet lady that we had loved so much. A dear friend... Thayne worked with her husband many years ago. He had passed away several years ago and I know that she missed him so much... I am sure there was a wonderful reunion between the two of them, they were so funny together, perfect match for the other. Again, it just seems like no matter what we have planned, we are not in control. And I guess it's not what happens, it is how we react to what happens. Being stretched hurts sometimes though, it really does!