Nathaniel Adam....

Where did the year go? Our precious baby boy is one!!! What a year. It seems like only yesterday we were driving over to Utah to have him. What a day that was. We got to the hospital ahead of schedule. They had me prepped and ready to go. The talk of the day was the lady coming in to have her 10th c-section, 15th baby. I was there by 10am and we were scheduled to have him at noon. I was calm and ready, feeling very positive. But the best laid plans never seem to come together and 3 hours later it was finally time to go. By then I was a nervous wreck, scared out of my mind. So I started praying for peace, decided to exercise faith that the surgery would go smoothly. I could see the entire surgery in the light above me. I couldn't take my eyes off it, afraid that if I did something might go wrong. It felt so surreal... watching them cut me open without feeling it. It felt like I was standing over me, watching it all happen. My doctor said that the scars on my uterus were thin, but intact and holding and that she could not believe how well I was doing, that a 10th c-section should not be so easy. I told her that was because my doctor with the last c-section was so good. She said, "Hey, I WAS your last doctor!" I watched as my beautiful boy was delivered. I was amazed at how beautiful he was. He looked so much like Hyrum, their profiles were the same and he looked exactly like he did in his ultrasound. I heard him suck in fluid and was so worried. I knew he had aspirated and just made myself believe that all of the blessings and all of the miracles would take place and we would have our sweet boy home with us for Christmas. They took him immediately to NICU. I sent Thayne with him. I told him that I would be fine, go with our precious little boy and be with him. They started the surgery just a couple of minutes after 3pm, and Nate was here at 3:32pm and I was headed to recovery by 4pm. 7lbs 5oz and 19 1/2 inches long. My arms ached to hold him, but they wouldn't let me go downstairs to the NICU. He was in NICU until 9:30pm Tuesday night and then didn't leave our sight the rest of the hospital stay.

This year seems like a dream, sometimes a nightmare though... I remember leaving the hospital with him. There was just a feeling from the beginning that something was wrong. We left in a horrible snow storm and had to drive over a couple of really scary mountain passes. At one point trucks were pulled over putting on chains, many were going 15 miles an hour. The roads were horrible. We knew if we stopped, we wouldn't get going in the little car so we just drove, 15, 20 miles an hour. And I had such a scared feeling. But it was more for Nathaniel... but there was this feeling around him, like angels were watching over him, like he was never really alone. Over the next 3 weeks there were times that he was watching something, someone, his eyes would move like he was watching somebody there and he would smile. He smiled real smiles at 4 days old. Sometimes I relive those moments when he stopped breathing, when his heart stopped, I can feel so vividly how I felt on the life flight that night in January. I had no idea if we were going to plan a funeral or what we would be facing. I remember thinking about the pioneers coming to Utah, and how they had to bury their loved ones, their babies in the hard cold ground and how hard that would be, I remember crying for all those that had ever lost a little one and wondering how they found the strength and courage to go on. It was such a cold, dark night. I couldn't let him go. Hours and hours after getting to the hospital, going over what happened with several different doctors, several different times they finally moved us to a room. I am not sure that I had slept for 3 1/2 weeks, but I knew I couldn't sleep and risk putting him down. So I held him, took in everything about him. Afraid that if I took my eyes off him I would lose him. I think of those months with oxygen, and his feeding tube. I am amazed at how the kids love this little man. They learned a valuable lesson. They learned the value of a life, and they are fiercely protective of him, of each other. For every horrible, heart stopping, life altering second, we learned so much, we learned to appreciate the moment, appreciate what we have, hold on to the moments, pray for each other, we learned to love more completely. We learned to appreciate even more the saying that we have always lived by, that "Families are forever". We have seen miracles, over and over. The power of prayer, of fasting is real. I remember how it felt in July, wondering if we were going to lose him again, wondering if we would ever see him smile again, not knowing if he would live through the strep pneumonia. He was so sick and I just wanted to see him smile again. And then to hear Talitha tell me that their family had fasted, and that she had prayed specifically that he would smile for me. He did! To know that all over the country, the world even, people were praying for him, people that only knew him through the internet had prayed for him and loved him. Those prayers were answered. But I know that even if the prayers had been answered a different way, even if we hadn't seen the miracles that saved him, he would be ours forever. But I am so grateful that we still have him with us. He knows he has us all wrapped around his finger but it's okay, we can deal with him being spoiled... it's worth it!!!

Happy Birthday our sweet Nathaniel. Your name means Gift from God, and you have been a gift to us, He has blessed us, blessed you, and you are truly a gift from Him. We love you so much!!! We will just be having a small family party tonight but this weekend we are going to have a HUGE party to celebrate all of us getting through this first year!!!

The night before he was born

Waiting for Nate to be born!

These were preemie sized clothes, he lost so much weight that first 3 weeks from being so sick, we were so worried and trying so hard to get somebody to believe that there was something wrong with him!



I look back now at his pictures and can see that he was so sick. It makes me want to cry when I see some of the pictures and realize how hard he was working to stay alive. I am so grateful for the moments that it seemed I heard a whisper to pick him up, move him, wake him up... those times I am sure saved his life! They told us that had he ever been put down in the night that he would have died.