Not the year I ordered...

What happened to the order I put in for an amazing year free of stress, heartache and pain. I was very specific about it. I was even nice... just please let this year, be a year of healing for the heart and soul... a year of happiness, because after all, we have weddings to look forward to and that should bring joy! A new decade. The beginning of something wonderful, I mean really... 2010... just the way it sounds should be amazing. So no tears except happy tears... that was the plan!!!

So who messed up? Who got the order wrong? Who fell down on their watch? Who wasn't doing their job when I ordered a year without stress, pain or worry???

Why then, after my absolute knowledge that this would be a wonderful year do I have to get the phone call that starts our world reeling all over again? And why, when my sister is just getting to a place where she feels joy again in living, after losing her husband almost 8 years ago... why did she have to feel the same lump, in the same place on her 15 year old son? Why are we now waiting on doctors and biopsy results and the same feeling of dread that seemed to control our lives for so long is starting all over again. Was it only 15 years ago that we were walking the halls of another hospital... waiting? We had such faith, such hope and such desire for it to be something other than what it was, but it was just that. Cancer... that dreaded word. Melanoma... it even sounded worse. He had every reason to live. Yet in the end, the cancer won...

Or did it? It won, it took his life. Yet we believe that life is eternal... forever... there have been too many things that have proven that he is still there, that he is still their dad, that he still takes care of them in ways that only he can. But still... he is not here to hold her tonight as she cries for her son, and worries, and hopes, and prays that this time it turns out differently. And it will turn out differently this time... it will!!! We were innocent back then... we believed somehow that we had the ability to make things the way we wanted... that our desire alone was enough to keep somebody alive...

And still...this son makes her laugh, telling her that homework is not on his bucket list... this son who is so much like his dad... will make her laugh as they go through one of the hardest things they will go through, again... waiting, for news. Please don't let it be cancer. Let it be something different, but not cancer. Let this nightmare end. Let us wake up and wonder why our heads hurt, why are eyes ache from crying, and wonder, "Why were we crying?" Let it be a bad dream. Let him have some say in heaven.... let him pull some strings. Anything but this..

But I think of a great man, who suffered the worst sufferings a man could... and when he cried out to the Lord, hoping that the Lord would see his side of things... that He would take action and make the suffering stop, instead came the answer:

"My son, peace be unto thy soul: thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; though shalt triumph over all thy foes." Everything we go through gives us experience, and makes us understand that there is truly only One that we can depend on. And His purposes are perfect. This life is not about getting out of it alive... we are here to gain experience and lean completely on our Heavenly Father... who's plan is perfect always. So whatever is to be, we know we have angels walking beside us. We have seen miracles before, we will surely see them again. This is a fight that is the same, yet different... and we will still have faith that it will turn out differently this time... that health will be restored and that he can live a long life, constantly making his mom laugh!

So this is not the year I ordered...not the year I wanted at all. But the Lord, with his infinite wisdom has something for us all to learn again. I guess He isn't as interested in us having a simple year, free of stress, free of growth... because I believe that through trials we grow, and stretch and become the person that Heavenly Father desires us to be. And I want to be that person... I really do. I just wish so much pain wasn't involved!