Sad

I feel so sad today.

I'm sure the wind and clouds have nothing to do with it.

Or maybe it does.

I just have no drive to get up, and clean, and fold, and match

and do all the things that I should be doing today.

I exercised.

That helped.

For a minute!

But today I just want to cry... alone... in my room

and not have to worry about anything else.

This month we should be celebrating the first birthday of the first baby we lost

in this horrible series of losses.

Sunday I held a little boy exactly the age that my little boy would have been.

He fell asleep in my arms...

and a tear fell down my cheek.

Nate would love having a little brother.

They would have been the best of friends.

I should have delivered a baby last month

if the pregnancy had survived.

I would start feeling my baby move this month

if I had not lost another one.

Why has my body betrayed me?

Did I do something I shouldn't have?

Could I have done something different?

Or is it just another test...

Another trial that I get to endure?

The reasons don't really matter.

How I endure it does.

It's hard....

because so many people have an opinion.

So many people want to tell me I have enough.

I have even heard someone almost rejoice over the losses.

Weird.

Some understand.

I especially love those that understand.

If I am done... I want to feel done!

Thayne tells me I am not like other women.

I am unique.

Is that his nice way of telling me I am a freak?

ha ha

I told him I am sorry he married a freak!

I love to have his babies.

I love to create life... with him

and feel that life grow and become another wonderful,

amazing human being.

Like all of the other lives we have created

and that I have the privilege of calling mine!

I love being Gabe's grandma.

I should be done... and be okay with being done!

And yet... I have this deep desire

This burning that while I recognize the blessings...

I feel another

waiting on our bench.

Oh, the bench story.

How many lives that story has changed.

My bench should be empty right?

But I don't feel it.

The peace and absolute knowledge that others have felt

has not come to me.

I have felt peace that at some point I will understand the losses.

But I don't feel the peace

and my arms ache for those that are gone.

I have so many reasons to smile.

I know that.

And I love the ones I have.

I will love those that come to our family through the children I adore.

But I hope

and I pray

That the emptiness goes away.

And I find the peace

that I know can

come.

But today, and just for today I am

sad!