Mother's Who Know...

You just never know how you are going to feel on any given Mother's Day. At least that is how I often feel. Will it be a day to remember? Or will it be a day to just get through and be done with for another year? Or somewhere in between?

I often hear women talk about how bad they hate this day... that they feel like they are not doing enough, that they feel they are failing. Or some hate it because they can't have children... or can't have another child.... or that they feel they have messed up on the children that they have.

I have felt so many of those feelings... I'm not good enough, smart enough, patient enough. And then there are other times when I feel like I am far from perfect, but I kind of have this job figured out. Sometimes!

But this year I feel like I struck gold!!! Not just in the amazing gifts I received... and they were GREAT! But I also felt like while I fall on my face quite often... and sometimes I get a little crazy and yell at the wrong kid... or just that I yelled... even if it was the right kid, or I mess up... I still GET UP again and again and keep on trying! And that is enough! I always tell the kids that I am grateful for the atonement of the Savior because He will make up for everything I fall short on! We went to church and had a wonderful program with amazing music from the youth choir (that is absolutely amazing. The bishop asked each youth in our ward to please participate in the choir and they sing 2 or 3 times a month and it's AMAZING!)... the choir that 4 of my kids are involved in. And music from my little kids too. And Wyatt, Hayden, Kalli and Hyrum were asked to sing a special part in a really beautiful song. Hayden asked why people always asked our kids to do stuff like that. I laughed at his attitude and the face he made when he asked and told him it is because they are amazing and people know they can count on them so don't let them down! He didn't!!! None of them did! They were awesome!!!

I loved the talks that were given. And a couple of the speakers used the conference talk by Julie Beck called Mothers Who Know. And I thought about the things that she shared during conference almost 3 years ago. That there is 'eternal influence and power in motherhood' and that mothers who know desire to bear children. She spoke of how the world doesn't value children as much anymore and that in the eternal scheme of things children --not possessions, not position, not prestige -- are our greatest jewels. She spoke of how mothers who know nurture, who teach and who lead and who do less of the unnecessary activities out there to pursue. But my favorite part is mothers who know stand strong and immovable. That it is my responsibility to prepare a righteous generation of sons and daughters - who know the Lord and bear testimony of Him and who do not give up during hard or discouraging times. And we have been asked to stand strong and immovable for that which is correct and proper under the plan of the Lord. And on Mothers Day I decided that I will not look at my shortcomings, but rather I will look at what I do manage to do right... and that I will feel good about standing strong even when times are especially hard or discouraging. I realized that I may not have a whole lot according to the worlds idea of being successful but I can be successful in the Lord's eyes because I strive to be a mother who knows. And when I fall short, or simply just fall on my face, I can get up and start over and learn from the mess ups that have already happened. I see in my children the ability to nurture... to love others and who adore children. That is a rare thing today!

I am especially grateful for my husband and children. For all that I am because of them! For all that they teach me! For the love that they give me!

The day was simply wonderful because of that... and that would have been enough. Exept I got spoiled also. I got flowers and plants, and a beautiful black hills gold/diamond necklace from Tanner... and an iPod that now has somewhere around 11,000 songs on it... so far! Tiffany and Garrett came out while we were in church and made twice baked potatoes to go wth the 2 turkeys roading and the whole day was really greatl! This was really a wonderful day and I am so grateful to be the mom of this incredible family! They are the best!!!

Busy day...

What a day! I wasn't expecting it to be quite so full. Thayne got up first thing this morning to go exchange the door at Home Depot and wanted to get an early start on the house. I turned him down flat when he asked if I wanted to put a hat on and go with him and then go to breakfast.... sorry, but NO! :) But it wasn't long before I had to get moving because Jace told me I was going with them to check out where we will be celebrating HIS wedding day..... so I went! It's going to be beautiful there that's for sure! We got back to town just in time to get to the church so I could open the door for the cake to be delivered and to let the DJ in for Stetson's wedding reception and raced home to get ready to go back to town for the reception. It was so fun, excited to see Tracy and Buffy and their family celebrate the marriage of their son and share their day with them! The kids had fun and I even got Thayne out dancing with me which was a little piece of heaven all by itself! Then it was clean up time... why in the world does it take so long to set up and then in an instant all of the hard work can be undone! And now we are home and I really should clean up tonight but hey, it's mother's day tomorrow and I have a migraine so I think I will just hang out watching Jaws on tv with my hubby! That's more fun anyway!!!! It was a really wonderful day and we are so happy for Stetson and Heather!

Caitlyn also too engagement pictures for Kimi and Matt today and I can't wait to see them. I need to HURRY and get their invitations done, and also the invitations to her bridal shower. I am pretty sure the next few weeks are going to get crazier!

Here's Kinzee and Gabe hanging out and dancing at the reception tonight! Hunter and Thayne looking good....

Even the chairs were dressed for the occassion!

Nate loved the fountin and wishing well... he kept making Thayne and Jace give him pennies to throw in the fountin!

The cake....

The first dance....

And of course Gabe, just because he is so adorable!

Buffy sharing a dance with her son... they looked like they were having so much fun!

More pennies for the wishing well!

Stetson and Jace... it's so fun to watch all of these boys together. They have grown up together and now they are all starting their own families. So many memories of them on the soccer field together... so much laughter. This is the pay off, watching these boys grow into great men! Can't wait to see what the future holds for all of them!

Feeding each other the cake... looks like Heather got the better end of the deal! These two couldn't be more perfect for each other... same sense of humor and lots of fun!

We had lots of fun dancing... the kids really had a great time and I even got to dance with my little boys! What a great day!!!

Dancing....

Buffy and Thayne (her Thayne, not my Thayne!) were very impressive together!!!

Good times....

The groom teaching the younger boys a few moves!

We are so blessed to have such amazing friends and be a part of their lives. I can't imagine what our lives would be like without them. Congratulations Stetson and Heather. Hope you have many, many wonderful reasons to laugh like you did today!

The Lord is ever mindful...

Today

I was made aware,

once again of

just how mindful the Lord is...

of our joys

of our tears

of our pain.

And prayers are answered

before we even utter the words.

Even before we know what to pray for.

Today

I was having a bad day.

No, not a bad day.

Just a bad moment.

I came home from helping set up for the reception.

And everything was falling apart.

I felt like crying

but instead just got mad at the things that were broken.

And then the doorbell rang.

A box was dropped off.

Flowers.

From somebody that I have never met...

at least not in real life.

I realized that because of modern technology

I have met, and been touched by

people that I may not ever meet

in real life.

But today I realized that somebody listened to

a prompting.

They probably didn't know why.

Or that their gift would come

at the most perfect time.

Flowers from a friend

that I have never met.

But I hope to.

A card that reminded me

that Heavenly Father has not forgotten me.

Who knows my dreams

Do we really understand what it means to act...

act when we feel like we should do something.

Do we understand that our actions

MATTER?

I hope I can be better.

I hope I can reach out even if I don't know why.

So Jamie...

THANK YOU!

Your act of compassion gave me reason to smile

through the tears, as I read your note.

You will likely never really understand what it meant

to me.

To my entire family...

thank you for sharing yourself

and your hope.

I hope that you see all of the ways

that the Lord is also mindful

of you!

Stetson and Heather are married!!!

We got to share Stetson and Heather's amazing day yesterday... we have watched Stetson grow up... he's like one of our own. His parents are our best friends, our family. It's funny how sometimes people come into our lives and instantly become part of us, and that is how their family has been. Brother and sister, friends, the ones that we know will be there no matter what, to share the good times and the bad and we were so grateful to be able to share such an amazing day with them.

Stetson and Heather couldn't be more perfect for each other. A friend of mine took their pictures at the temple and she told me that they were such a fun couple, and that the people we surround ourselves with laugh SO MUCH! That struck me for some reason. Because I realized it is true. While they have always been there for us for everything, and have cried with us a few times, they really do make us laugh. We go out with Tracy and Buffy and we laugh, and our kids are very much the same way. In fact their kids and ours are very much alike... and so, we find lots of reasons to laugh!

The bad part is that before they were on their way to the temple Tracy was very sick and ended up in the hospital instead of in the temple where he should have been. Our hearts ached for him because we know he would have moved heaven and earth to be there if he could have been. He's still very sick! Very sick! And we hope that he starts getting better very soon.

We are so grateful for these wonderful people who let us share their lives... and who share our lives too! We look forward to many, many, many years of sharing such special events!

Congrats Stetson and Heather... may you have a long, happy, wonderful life with more reasons to laugh than to cry!!!

Did we mention it was freezing outside and the wind was blowing like crazy!

Frank, Jessica and Myles... Heather and Stetson, Tiffany, Garrett and Gabe!

It's been amazing watching these boys grow up, now they are married and starting families of their own and nothing in the world is more exciting!

Partners in Crime... these 4 could always keep life interesting!

One amazing family... minus Tracy who was so sick and in the hospital...

Sad

I feel so sad today.

I'm sure the wind and clouds have nothing to do with it.

Or maybe it does.

I just have no drive to get up, and clean, and fold, and match

and do all the things that I should be doing today.

I exercised.

That helped.

For a minute!

But today I just want to cry... alone... in my room

and not have to worry about anything else.

This month we should be celebrating the first birthday of the first baby we lost

in this horrible series of losses.

Sunday I held a little boy exactly the age that my little boy would have been.

He fell asleep in my arms...

and a tear fell down my cheek.

Nate would love having a little brother.

They would have been the best of friends.

I should have delivered a baby last month

if the pregnancy had survived.

I would start feeling my baby move this month

if I had not lost another one.

Why has my body betrayed me?

Did I do something I shouldn't have?

Could I have done something different?

Or is it just another test...

Another trial that I get to endure?

The reasons don't really matter.

How I endure it does.

It's hard....

because so many people have an opinion.

So many people want to tell me I have enough.

I have even heard someone almost rejoice over the losses.

Weird.

Some understand.

I especially love those that understand.

If I am done... I want to feel done!

Thayne tells me I am not like other women.

I am unique.

Is that his nice way of telling me I am a freak?

ha ha

I told him I am sorry he married a freak!

I love to have his babies.

I love to create life... with him

and feel that life grow and become another wonderful,

amazing human being.

Like all of the other lives we have created

and that I have the privilege of calling mine!

I love being Gabe's grandma.

I should be done... and be okay with being done!

And yet... I have this deep desire

This burning that while I recognize the blessings...

I feel another

waiting on our bench.

Oh, the bench story.

How many lives that story has changed.

My bench should be empty right?

But I don't feel it.

The peace and absolute knowledge that others have felt

has not come to me.

I have felt peace that at some point I will understand the losses.

But I don't feel the peace

and my arms ache for those that are gone.

I have so many reasons to smile.

I know that.

And I love the ones I have.

I will love those that come to our family through the children I adore.

But I hope

and I pray

That the emptiness goes away.

And I find the peace

that I know can

come.

But today, and just for today I am

sad!

Holding on for dear life...

A lady at Curves asked me how life is going. I told her it was good... but crazy. We decided that the world is spinning out of control and we are just holding on for dear life right now. She told me not to let go... that as long as I keep holding on I should be okay! Whew, that's a relief. I was worried! So I will just keep holding on and enjoy the crazy ride!

Tallin's appointment for his physical is on Thursday. One step closer to submitting his papers. He still has to get his wisdom teeth removed. But we are on our way!!! I can't believe we are getting so close. It will be hard to send him out for 2 years but I know that it will be the most incredible thing for him and it's what he should be doing!

Kimi has her appointment with the stake president to get her temple recommend signed and wants to get to the temple as soon as she possibly can! She is so excited and I am so excited for her! It is going to be amazing being with her in the temple. I am looking forward to seeing their engagement pictures. It's good we have Caitlyn to take the pictures for them since they have been so slow getting them done! I cannot believe she is going to be married next month. Or that Jace will be married too!!! WOW!!!

So we are just hanging on, holding on, enjoying the ride. Life is going to change so much but so many wonderful things are happening. Yep, we'll just enjoy this wild ride!

How am I going to do this???

I am starting to get a little stressed when I think of all that needs to be done in the next month and a half. How am I going to do this all and continue working my 2 shifts at Curves? I only work Thursday from 3 to 7 and Friday mornings from 5:30 to 9:30am and yet, those days feel like they might suffocate me right now. This Thursday Stetson is getting married so we will be in Utah for his wedding. Next Thursday I am supposed to work but need to find someone to cover since Kassi is supposed to get her braces put on and then we would need to race back and be at Wyatt's 5th grade program. Friday I am supposed to work but we were asked to go to the temple with a really awesome couple who are going to be sealed. Thayne works Monday through Thursday and they are very long days usually starting at 3 to 3:30am so Fridays are the days we are going to have to get stuff for this wedding done. Soccer is on Saturdays. Kimi will be going through the temple very soon also which will be another trip to Utah and in the middle of all of this planning we will be getting Tallin ready to go on a mission. We are working to get his physical and dental taken care of and then he will be ready to go to the temple also. Not to mention that Caitlyn's year anniversary of her baptism is July 31st and they should be able to go to the temple anytime after that! The weekend before Jace's wedding will be shopping and preparing for the rehearsal dinner the night before while we set up. We will be having a big barbecue for family and some close friends. I need to take at least one trip to Reno before Kimi's wedding to get cake and other things ordered there. Kimi's bridal shower is going to be May 29th here, and holy cow we have work to do! The outside of the house is torn apart ready to get ready to paint. We need one piece of siding and today Thayne called and told me there was a class action law suit on the same siding we have on our house which means what??? Holy cow!!! We have Kami's kindergarten graduation on one Friday so we are really running out of options here. So... again, how am I going to manage working those measly 8 hours a week at Curves and keep my sanity??? Cloning sounds good!!!

Quick Get Away!

Sometimes life is all about the stress. All of the things that need to be done. All of the demands that must be met. Thayne seems to be more stressed from work. Oh I don't know... something about being 9,000 ounces behind schedule or something... I mean really, in the big scheme of things, what's 9,000 ounces of gold behind schedule... it's not like 9,000X $1,100 or so has anything to do with what his paycheck will be so why does he worry? Except that he is a perfectionist when it comes to his job and that 9,000 ounces behind will likely dwindle and become a few hundred ahead of schedule! But sometimes life is stressful, and sometimes reconnecting and getting rid of the stress sounds a little bit like heaven. We had already got tickets to a concert in Wendover. My brother and his wife and her mom and dad were going with us....but when Thayne got stuck late at work yet again, his way out of being in trouble (as if he would be in trouble... I get the need for him to be there when they are dealing with obnoxious things like MSHA) was to text me a quick note that he is still at work and won't be leaving for a while, but hey, what do you think of getting a hotel room for after the concert! Oh, he knows how to play me! Or is that the other way around??? I told him I could probably manage it... and by the way it is the jacuzzi suite!!! So we went to dinner with my brother and his wife and her parents and completely enjoyed the company! And then we went to the Ronnie Milsap concert... which we also completely enjoyed. In fact more than enjoyed.... it is funny that we love all kinds of music... my kids are the same way and on an Ipod you can find old classic country to the 80's rock and roll and right on through to Pink and anything in between. But I have a soft spot for classic country. It takes me to a happy place from my childhood and I often can see in my mind my dad asleep on the floor with the speakers from the record player on either side of his head. Or the countless hours in a car driving to wherever we were moving next and country music on the AM station. Or even to junior high with my best friend Tracey... we would go from Loverboy to Ronnie Milsap. And so I can never hear a Ronnie Milsap song without remembering running around with Tracey! And listening to him in person was absolutely amazing! Could have stayed there all night listening to him. But I have to say that his tribute to the soldiers, and to being an American, and then singing America The Beautiful was absolutely beautiful. To see everyone in the room stand up, and most singing along... I am pretty sure that everyone there had chills!!! I hated it to end.

And then we were able to hang out together and relax in a beautiful hotel room.... to just hang out, knowing that our amazing kids had everything under control and get to de-stress and talk and laugh and just let go of all of the ugliness that the world sometimes tries to throw at you and regroup. I sometimes wonder how it is possible to fall more in love than I already am with my husband... but then I do! Being married to my very best friend is everything dreams are made of. Laughing with him makes everything better and I am truly so grateful for his goodness and all that he has blessed our lives with! Driving home from church today Kimi and I were able to talk a little about her upcoming marriage and I told her that it is so important that she never put anyone above Matt. Unselfishness is an absolute must in a marriage, but if they constantly make each other a priority then there will never be a need to feel insecure or threatened. It's important that even when the babies come they keep their relationship first, and on solid ground. I find it interesting that our kids actually encourage us to go out or have a little get away. I believe with all of my heart that they enjoy the knowledge that mom and dad are rock solid. It gives them the confidence and the strength to be all that they should be, and they want the same things as they grow and prepare for marriage! We are one in our marriage, and because of that we can concentrate on taking care of the sometimes crazy-ness of having this family! I had a glimpse of what it will be one day when Garrett, Tiffany and Gabe came out here to go to church with us, and Caitlyn and Jace, and all of the kids... it took up two pews at church and as I climbed in over all of the feet Tanner whispered that we would need our own ward to fit our family! But I thought about it and how amazing it will be to be in the temple with them all... as they grow, marry, become adults! WOW! And all because 2 people fell in love! Thayne recently bought me huge glass and wood plaque that says "Once in a while right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives you a fairy tale." Our fairy tale started 24 years ago... and I love watching my kids get fairy tales of their own!

And so, I completely enjoyed our little get away... just enough time to recharge and remember all the reasons we like being together and to give us that little boost to deal with real life again! We came home to dinner cooking, the house cleaned and kids ready for church... did I mention that we have the most amazing kids ever??? And while I look forward to these brief get aways... it's always fun to come home to our little bit of heaven here on earth!

Meeting the in-laws... and the dress!

Kimi has spent the last 10 days with her new in-laws. She went with Matt's mom and sister to women's conference and had a great time and finally she got home today! And we had lunch ready for them when they got here. It was fun to meet Matt's parents and sister Michelle and her 2 kids. I am happy to say that they fit right in and she is getting a wonderful mother and father in law. Matt of course is wonderful because he loves Kimi the way I have always wanted Kimi to be loved! They are so excited to be starting their life together. Katie and I were joking about what a fairy tale this is. Kimi got a house and a ring in the very same month AND all of Matt's toys are paid off!!! That IS a fairy tale though she probably won't understand how much of a fairty tale it is until she is in the middle of real life! I am SO happy for her!!! Have I mentioned that lately???

And today we saw our daughter in her wedding dress! I cannot believe it!!! WOW! She was beaming. It was so fun to see her at church today getting to show off her diamond ring. And to see her in her dress! WOW!!! Oh, I said that already! She is going to be going to the temple soon and this is so exciting!

I am so grateful for the wonderful people that will become Kimi's other parents. They love her. They accept her and they see the amazing person she is and love her for it. And for that, I love them too! There is nothing more wonderful to a mom than to know that the people that will be such a huge part of her life from now on love her and appreciate her for everything that she is!

So for now we are just excited to be wrapped up in the whirl wind of Kimi's fairy tale! These moments are moving so quickly but it's all so wonderful. And while she knows that life will not always be easy... she knows that she will have forever after!

Random-ness blogging...

I was 'reprimanded' for neglecting my blog... for a whole week! Whatever is wrong with me. One would almost believe that I have a life, outside of blogging.... almost! Because those in the know, know I love to 'blog' our life. It will cut down on the huge amounts of journal- ling I am so far behind on! It is a sad state of affairs when I get daily reminders, reminding me to write in my on-line journal. My 'paper' journal is kind of being neglected, though not as bad... but this blog won't be neglected for fear of Garrett, and Susan getting after me! ;)

There is really nothing going on... well, yes, there is always something going on. But it seems trivial at times. Until I think of what the next few weeks will bring to our family! Then it just kind of overwhelms the senses and throws me into panic mode. And I hate panic mode!

But... let's see.... Oh yes, we have Kimi's wedding dress in our possession. Too bad Kimi has been gone all week with her family-to-be so she can't try it on so we can see the finished product. Personally, her sisters and I find it rude that she would leave at such a critical time. But, I have to say that I am so glad that she loves her new family to be. I always had the innocent notion of thinking when you got married you were getting a whole new wonderful family and it is so fantastic to see that she is!!! So she will come home and the planning will begin in earnest! That's exciting. And a little freaky! But we HAVE the dress. Really, besides the groom and the ring, what else could a girl need!!!

Jace found an apartment...just down the street! Which will be great when Nate needs his Jace fix... or is that the other way around! It seems wedding plans are coming along great for them and really the only thing I have to worry about is the big family dinner the night before. So I will mostly worry about that the week before... because you know us, cooking for 50 or so people really isn't a big deal!

Garrett and Tiffany will be closing on their new home in the next week or so. It's gorgeous and brand new and we are so excited for them! They will only live a couple of miles away and I have seen glimpses of the future when we have to steal Gabe to play with Nate. I love watching Nate with Gabe. Nate adores him and is so kind to him always!

We are working on fixer uppers on this house. WHY does it take so long? Well... never mind. I know why it takes so long. My poor husband is constantly bogged down with work, and not the work that includes finishing the siding on the house so he can paint! He's busy! That means his days off include the normal everyday stuff that goes with being a dad to,um, a few kids! And a wife that likes to hang out with him. His life is rough... but I believe he is up to the challenge. Garrett and Tiffany come out and dug up my flower beds by the house and put new soil in it and hopefully... if ever we get the house painted I will be able to plant new flowers. I am still a little 'put out' that Thayne dug up all of my wild roses. Lucky I love the man so I will forgive him!

Nate is learning lots of new words and signs. He has a speech teacher coming 2 times a month and he is slowly but surely warming up to her. He won't talk loud but he will whisper his answers to her and he will also be getting 'help' with his OCD and sensory issues. He is such a sweet boy and he seems to steal the hearts of everyone he talks to!

So I of course had to add random pictures of Gabe, because he is growing like a little weed and his fun, sweet personality is coming out more and more every day... and well... because he loves his grandma almost as much as his grandma loves him! I love watching Thayne with him now. Thayne loves babies, but he mostly likes to take a nap with newborns... but when they get this age, where they recognize you and interact with you... THAT is when Thayne really gets interested! And Gabe knows if grandpa is around he is going to be making faces and talking to him so as soon as he sees him you can see the look of anticipation on his face! It's so fun! Garrett often sends pictures of Gabe to my cell phone (I love modern technology!!!) Soooo... here he is!

Gabe and Tiffany.... Working at the video store with his mom....

This is such a sweet picture of him... he is constantly sucking on those fingers and his dad is always telling him to stop, and he laughs at his dad because I tell him he can do anything he wants to do!!! This is going to be so fun to spoil this baby and his dad will have to deal with it. :-)

Tiffany said they told him they were packing him up to send him to me! I told him they were welcome to send him C.O.D anytime they wanted!!! It's going to be fun to have him out here even closer to us!

Gabe loves to cuddle with grandma... we spend lots of time hanging out this way!

It was a rough pajama day, in fact we both pretty much stayed in our pajamas since it was a yucky, cloudy, snowy day!!! Then he insisted on cold cereal and promply fell asleep!

Sweet Nate loves his nephew so much... Gabe was laughing so hard and pulling on Nate's hair and he just smiles and lets him do what he wants!