I was asked a question recently that has been on my mind constantly since she asked. For some reason the last couple of days have been really hard thinking about the baby that I lost and missing 'him' and thinking about where I would be in the pregnancy right now. I was signed up for a 'pregnancy update' that came weekly and as we left the temple yesterday I got an email update telling me about my baby at 16 weeks. I unsubscribed, but it still comes. I had been so excited thinking about having the big ultrasound in January.... now there won't be one.
But back to the question. A woman asked me how many boys I have. The immediate response, without thinking was 10. 10 came out of my mouth before I could stop it. I didn't even realize I said it, I just knew it, in my heart of hearts that I have 10 sons! And then I wanted to cry. And have wanted to cry since... I try to keep smiling, act like it doesn't matter, act like I didn't go through this and that it doesn't hurt my heart every minute of the day. But it does matter. I did go through it, and my heart DOES hurt every minute of the day. Yet nobody really remembers. Thayne knows when I am sad... but still I feel alone as I mourn for the son that I will never know, never hold in my arms, never watch do silly, crazy things that all of his siblings do. I will never really know who he would have been.... and it hurts. It hurts so bad I can barely breathe today. I didn't get to see him, or hold him. But I feel him... Rationally I know that there was nothing I could do to change the events that took him from us. But a mother's heart aches, feeling like I let him down. He depended on me, and I couldn't save him. He needed me for everything, and I let him down. It's not right, it doesn't even really make sense. But it is how I feel when I think of him.
I guess one day all of our questions will be answered. It's the waiting. Like Katie said last night coming home from the temple... it's the Lord's timing, and His timing can be frustrating! I am trying to have faith and understand... I am really trying.
A wise man once said, "In all living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured." We have weathered storms that tried to break us, but through it all, we have always tried to find the joy in our journey. Watching our family grow has given us more joy than we ever thought possible. There is joy in the journey, even in the middle of the storms!
I never knew how much love a heart could hold, until they called me mom
5 comments:
I can't say that I understand what you are going through--I never had those kinds of experiences after my miscarriages.
But, my heart goes out to you, and I hope you find peace and comfort as you heal.
My heart aches for you. You are such a special lady, your son's testimony today touched me so. What a fine young man....all your sons are fine young men....you will heal... maybe not soon, but some day..the savior will assist as he has a role in our lives. You are so loved...your love shines for all your children..love you Kim.
Me too Kim, Me too. Loves ya!
I do agree with Katie...the Lord's timing is FRUSTRATING sometimes...
I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I lost my baby boy in August at 19 weeks. I totally understand what you are saying and feeling. I wish I had answers but I don't and I still mourn the loss of my baby boy. Take it a day at a time.
Danielle (an old bbc'er)
I believe you WILL get to hold him and see him grow. It may have to wait until the millenium, but when it's over mortality is supposed to be like the blink of an eye. I do not mean to make light of your pain at all Kim. Go ahead and count your 10 sons. He is part of your heart, and will always be yours. Isn't the temple grand??
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