Trying to let go...

Today I walked into the grocery store and one of the ladies that works there was walking out and said, "I thought you were pregnant!" It took me a minute to get it together... I see her almost on a daily basis since I spend so much time in the grocery store. Twice today I was asked that question. Both times I simply said, "I was, we lost the baby." But it's really hard today because I would have delivered that baby probably on Satuday, if not today. Every day for 29 weeks I have ached for that baby. Everyday for all those weeks I have watched at least 8 other women grow their babies, and now are all giving birth. It doesn't matter that I have 15 children... it still hurts when I think of what could have been. At least once every month I cry, and sometimes get angry.... it doesn't get easier... it doesn't go away. I don't wish any less happiness on everyone else, I just hurt for the loss and hurt for what would have been... the life that we would be rejoincing in right now. I don't know why it happened, I have no answers why anyone has to struggle, with infertility, with miscarriage, with loss. I heard yesterday a quote that said something to the effect that if we have faith we will be able to walk through our trials, and as we walk through those trials we will gain more strength for going through them. I guess I am still waiting for the strength to get over the pain of losing the baby that was so deeply loved before he ever had a chance to experience it on earth. My kids ask almost daily if we can have another one. I wish I had the answer for them. I just don't know. But I know that every May I will think of the baby that we never got to know, that we never got to hold. I don't know why this one hurt so much more than the other times. I don't know why I got pregnant when we weren't trying, and then lost it after everyone was so excited. Maybe I will never know... but I know I need to find some way for closure, some way to accept that it happened for a reason, and move on.