It has almost been 3 years.

Time has gone by so quickly but Tuesday I was thinking that it has almost been 3 years since Kevin committed suicide. Kevin was Jace's bestest, best buddy. Kevin and Jace picked Hayden up from kindergarten every morning when they got out of school and so Kevin was Hayden's best bud too. His 'fire-pepsi'... though we aren't privy to why he had THAT name. It just brings smiles and laughter when we ask why he was named that! Knowing them... maybe it's better that we don't know! Kevin taught Hayden the important things in life... like hanging out the sun roof and woot wooing at the mail lady. You know, the really deep stuff of life! I always wished we could have made Kevin understand how deeply his death would affect the people that loved him. I wish he understood that it would change the dynamics of living for those of us left behind. I will never forget the phone call I received from Jace the morning of the 14th, 3 years ago. There are moments in a mother's life that you know you cannot protect them, you cannot save them from the most terrible pain and when you know that your child's life has just changed in the most devastating way, and there was nothing you could do! Nothing! I fell to my knees and sobbed, knowing the pain that everyone who loved Kevin would be dealing with for so many years to come. Those next few weeks were a blur. There were moments when I wondered if I would lose my son too. It was a nightmare. Except nobody could wake up from it...we were living it. Jace, Kevin and others had become a team on and off the soccer field. Kevin was one of those whose outward appearance didn't tell the story of what was boiling on the inside. To look at him, you saw a popular, handsome, fun loving kid. On the inside he struggled. A perfect example of how we should never judge, and that we should always treat others as if they were fragile and precious and in need of friendship and love. How many times have we added to some one's burden instead of helping carry them. But Jace knew. He saw, and he helped carry the burdens that others seemed to miss. I think that was why it was so hard. Jace felt like he failed. He had done everything to keep him alive, and the one night that he wasn't there, Kevin died. It has changed Jace. He seems stuck in time, unable to move at times, afraid maybe that if he does he will forget... maybe even angry that others seem to have moved on so easily? I don't know. We know how to fix it, but being human it makes action easier said than done.

So Tuesday... Thayne and I went to our favorite deli for a salad. Jace was there with Caitlyn and Chelsea (her twin sister). We teased them for a minute and then sat at a different table. I was watching this amazing, handsome and wonderful son and it suddenly hit me that this weekend was it... the one we dread every year. As I watched the 3 of them laughing and talking I wondered what it would have been like if Kevin were still alive. Jace had gotten Kevin a job with him too, building houses. So he could watch over and protect him. Would Kevin have been sitting there too? What would have happened over the past 3 years? And then a group of young guys stood up. One with red hair. Lighter than Kevin's but the same color of red. And I was sad... sad for Kevin and the life he missed. Sad for his mom... who had to bury her son far too early. Sad for Jace, because he is a great young man, but he is not the same young man he was before this tragedy. And then we went about our errands, and I never mentioned a word of what I was thinking and feeling to Thayne or anyone else. I filed it away, knowing that I needed to take some time with Jace later and hug him, and let him know that I haven't forgotten either and that I would be there when he needed me.

At 3:10am Wednesday morning I was awake fighting a migraine. Suddenly Kailee comes running into our room sobbing, crying uncontrollably and speaking incoherently. She literally threw herself onto her dad's chest asking him for a Priesthood blessing. She was saying that somone was in her room, someone was there, she heard them walk into her room and she turned and Kevin was there. Thayne said at first he thought, "Get off me so I can get down there and protect my family... let me get the gun!" I took a second to pray and see how I felt about things... I felt really calm so I told her to slow down... tell us what happened. She said that she was asleep, with her face to the wall. She heard someone come into her room. It woke her up. She turned over and Kevin was standing there. She said she could see him very clear and he told her, "Take care of my buddy this weekend, it's going to be rough." She turned her head and then looked back and he was gone, and that is when she freaked out and came running upstairs! I know how scary that is when it happens. It IS really scary!!! I have had things like that happen to me since I was very, very young. We brought her out into the living room and Thayne felt he should wake Jace up and have him help give her a blessing. He walked into the room quietly so he wouldn't wake Tallin up. He sat down next to Jace when Tallin sits up and says, "That is weird, this is so weird, Kevin is here for some reason!" It was so strange!!! After the blessing there was nothing but absolute peace in our home. I told Kailee that every 'good' message came from the Lord and it is obvious that Kevin is concerned for Jace. There was such an outpouring of love and though it scared her at first, we have felt so much peace... knowing that Kevin is okay, and that our love is what matters here and now! For whatever reason, it was real, it happened, and we need to continue to learn from the experience, to be willing to look outside ourselves and carry each other's burdens.