I don't have to like this if I don't want to....

My little boy is grown up. And I don't think I like it! Tallin is 18 and took his very first, all by himself road trip to Montana to take a car to his aunt. But I worried all day long! I know how he felt... I have felt that feeling before. I know the excitement and the freedom he must have been feeling, and even the fear. He got turned around at one point and told his dad that it was a little bit scary (especially since he likely has his mom's directionally challenge mentality!) but he made it, he found his way and he got there safely... even being responsible in his driving! And even though I understand, and even find joy in it, it doesn't mean I have to like it!

I have said before that my love wasn't split in smaller pieces like a pie when I had my children...I tell my kids that I feel like I grew a new heart for each one. It truly is possible to love each one unconditionally. I love them all so completely, yet the love I feel for each of them is all for them, for that one child, like somehow as I became their mother I learned how to love that child with my whole heart! Each one has a special place in my soul for different reasons. Each one has etched their place in my life so completely and so fully that I can tell each one of them with all honesty that they are my favorite child!!!

When I found out I was pregnant with Tallin we were not in a good place in our lives. We were homeless... yes, HOMELESS with 4 little tiny babies. We were living in motel rooms following the jobs for Thayne to work. We went to Globe Arizona, and then back to Price, Utah and then off to Wyoming. While we were in Price I found out I was pregnant, but started bleeding and assumed that it must be that I was going to miscarry. We loaded up and headed to Wyoming, first in Green River and then Lyman, living in a little motel where Thayne worked night shifts while I tried to entertain 4 little ones during the day so he could sleep. And I continued to bleed. And I was scared! We knew the job was coming to an end, and we had what little money was in our pockets and I decided that the Lord just knew our circumstances and it wasn't time to have that baby. But oh how my heart ached as I bled day after day! Finally I told Thayne that I needed a Priesthood Blessing, that I just wanted it over with, because I couldn't just stay down and do nothing and I couldn't continue to bleed. That blessing was amazing... but it was not what I was expecting. It told me that this child needed to be born at this time, through our family in order to do the mission he was being sent to earth to do, and that the Lord knew our circumstances and He would let us decide, but if we trusted Him, we would be blessed and the answers would come! I finally went to a doctor for a blood test. They told me there was no way I could still be pregnant as I had passed clots and everything. My numbers were supposed to double... they called me back and they had tripled! They do believe that I lost a twin but for 3 weeks we did not know if Tallin would make it or not. After Thayne closed the blessing he told me, "Hold on to him!" We moved back to Utah and then felt strongly that we should go ahead and go to Milwaukee, Wisconsin even though we didn't have a job, just a promise of one when the strike was over. It took us almost 3 months before the strike was over and Thayne got a call to go to work that day. I had mono, and then pneumonia and still couldn't find a real doctor. I did go to a couple, but knew they would not work. We had complications with the other kids and I was worried. I even sat in a doctor's office as he SMOKED a cigarette and had the nerve to ask if I smoked! I told him, "Just yours!" And left!!! 6 weeks before he was due, I managed to get into a really amazing doctor who told me that I was a strep carrier and that the other kids likely were strep positive at birth and that was why they were so sick. Sure enough... I was positive and this doctor told me that he would make sure we had a wonderful delivery. I had to be induced which is the norm for me, but I was only on the pit for 12 hours. He was sunny side up and I had pushing pains for 2 1/2 hours and finally said I was done, going home or give me drugs. The nurse told me anyone that could laugh through transition was not getting an epidural. Finally we were ready to push, and I got to, for the first time watch a baby be born. There was something about Tallin. I was in a teaching hospital and had a dozen people standing at the door watching, but there was something about Tallin, like he was a 9lb 9oz 22 1/2 inch giant! It was like his spirit was so much bigger than his body and there were quite a few tears in the delivery room! And that is how it has always been with him! There is just something about him. And I am not sure that I am okay that he thinks he can go out and take on the world on his own! I mean... I am glad that he is ready, I am glad that he is not afraid... but I still see him as my little Tally Bop! My special little man who seems to fill a room wherever he goes! He is preparing for a mission and I know that I will have to let him go for 2 years without seeing him... but my heart is having a hard time knowing that he is no longer that little boy with the great big eyes who could melt my heart with just one look!

Have fun Tally Bop... and be careful! You are headed into an amazing life and I can't wait to see what you do with it! Love you so much!