Babies, Depression, Hope and other Random Thoughts

I think my thoughts and feelings are kind of random and all over the board

and have been for a few days now. For a million different reasons.

I am working hard to stay out of a deep depression.

There are days when I can barely see to climb out of bed.

Is that where the hope comes in?

I was reading back through some letters I sent to Garrett on his mission

through dearelder.com and got to the one I wrote

right after Kevin died.

I told Garrett that I had learned more than anything that we become

what we think.

We tell ourselves over and over what we think and soon

we act on those thoughts. We become, or we do,

the thing we think about the most.

And I realized when I read it again that it is true.

I am in danger of becoming the things I think...

and I am telling myself that I will and can beat this depression.

I also told him in that letter that Satan speaks most to us

when we are depressed. It's true.

When we remember, even KNOW (or maybe especially that we know) who we are

the voice of the evil one isn't very loud and is rarely even heard.

It's easy to dislike myself when I am depressed.

It's easy to see the negative in myself and others when I am depressed.

One of the thoughts shared at Time Out For Women

was that change is not a bad thing. That we should change

what we are doing and see what thoughts come to us.

And so...

I am trying to change what I am doing and see what thoughts come to me.

I have a plan.

And new thoughts come. New ideas. New energy.

Not easy. Some days are like I am starting from scratch...

even when I made it through yesterday, the new today can be hard to face.

I tell myself again that everything I do testifies of something...

and I ask myself what I am testifying of to my children

by what I am doing today. If I can't climb out of bed

I am not really testifying of hope.

And I want my kids to know that hope isn't something the government can give...

It isn't something that any man or woman can offer.

Hope is a gift from God...

by and through the Holy Ghost.

I will not find hope if I do not get up and put myself in a place

where I can hear the Holy Ghost.

And so I will hope for a time when I do not struggle with being depressed,

because I know that the Savior offers the only true hope.

And He has promised hope in the end.

And that my small efforts to move a little higher on the path

is enough!

I am enough!

My efforts ARE enough!

If I tell myself enough I will move beyond the hopelessness

and feel true hope.

I see it is true... that little seed of hope

as I held newborn babies this week.

My heart aches, and so do my arms

for the baby I should be delivering next week.

I cry for the soul I loved so much

without ever really knowing...

How does that work?

To have a piece of your heart ripped away without even knowing.

To hold those new babies brought pain,

and blissful peace.

Funny how that works isn't it?

To know that our pain is still significant and real,

yet we are allowed peace when we remember that

the Lord has an expected end for all of us and that He

wants us to have joy...

Joy, even in pain! Seems like an oxymoron doesn't it?

Because the world tells us we need everything our way in order to have joy!

Joy comes in living life with the faith, and yes HOPE

that come what may we can have peace even as our empty arms ache...

Hope that can overcome depression

even if it doesn't happen today... or tomorrow...

But knowing that I can give the Lord the only real thing that I have to give...

my will.

I can show my kids that I have hope even when everything seems

hopeless.

I can have peace when my world is falling apart.

I can rejoice in a new life without feeling bitter...

because how could I be bitter about that new life?

Just because my path was different than I thought it would be

or even wanted it to be

doesn't mean there isn't a plan set perfectly in place for me,

and for my family.

The struggles make us stronger and more able to mourn with those who mourn

or share the joy of another.

My pain is no worse than another person's pain.

My hope is no more or less valuable.

Isn't it funny that we seem to compete when it comes to our pain?

We sometimes try to tell ourselves that nobody knows or understands

our pain. As if our pain is more special, more real?

My dreams are not ignored.

Even when the answer is no it is for my best...

even if I don't understand why.

I just have to know that things will be okay eventually

but for here and now the Lord can save me.

Elder D. Todd Christofferson said,

In times of distress, let your covenants be paramount and let your obedience be exact.

He goes on to say,

Then you can ask in faith, nothing wavering, according to your need, and God will answer.

The thing I have to remember is that His goal is to make me stronger and

more like Him. His thoughts are not mine.

So I cannot assume to know His will without asking.

And I cannot assume to know that I know what is best for me.

Because being human, I would take away the opportunity for growth.

Like I sometimes want to do with my children.

I don't want them to 'suffer' and yet often in suffering comes the greatest growth.

So tonight I will go to bed with hope...

Hope that tomorrow I will remember the peace I felt as I looked into the faces

of the newborn babies,

and know that all things will be made right in time.

And remember if I allow depression to rule my life I will be showing

my kids by my actions something that my heart doesn't believe...

that I haven't got faith to keep walking

even when I am bogged down in the sand.

I will trust that just for today I will be able to endure.

And as I keep up the enduring

I will become what I want to be...

that I will tell myself, and KNOW that I am enough

to all of the people that I love. I cannot let the fear of change

control my life.

I can have joy even in the midst of chaos and pain.